...sigh....
So, its been 2 years since I've posted anything and probably about 23 months since I've read anything. Either way I really need to just let things out about life. As many of you know I have dealt with depression for my entire life. Apparently its genetic so yay for me. Feelings of happiness make feel sad and alone. Constantly living my life feeling like I don't deserve to be happy. I'm not good enough to get the most basic of human wants of love and comfort. Always alienating and sabotaging my relationships and friendships because any connection to others causes me to go into a nervous break down. To be happy is to be vulnerable and I can't be vulnerable.
I have spoken many a time to therapists that tell me depression is exasperated 10x fold with a troubled childhood. I don't remember anything about life before the age of about 9. I do remember small clips of places but nothing significant its never an event I have no recollection of spending time with my family or ever doing anything. On more than a few occasions I've been told by family that I am better off not remembering it. I have found out that my mother used to leave me in the car all night as an infant in NY so she could go out to the bars. Also that my mother used to have sex with me in the room as a small child about 4 or 5. Both my mother and father were pot smokers up until about 6 or 7 years ago. My father hid it from me in a way that it did not interfere with his relationship with me. Dad went out to the shed and that was Dad's time alone and it happened at night when it was time for me to go to bed. My mother on the other hand used to send me away in the middle of the day so she could smoke or she would do it with me in the other room and deny it after I questioned her. When I was about 11 I found my mothers stash in a container on the coffee table next to an identical container that held cookies(which is what I was looking for). Time after time I have had to deal with the outlandish guilt trips that just tear me down inside. I didn't do the dishes before she came home and i get an hour of "How dare you! How dare you do this to me! I give you everything and all you do is take advantage of me and all you want to do is use me and hurt me! How could you treat your mother this way!" I use quotations because that is literally word for word what I hear time and time again. Now once or twice its like yea ha ha moms overreacting again. This however, started when I was little.
I know I'm not perfect no one is. Its just that I can't seem to break the cycle of this. Every time I feel like I'm getting to where I should be as a human being I get torn down again. I'm 24 years old and I still live at home with my mother. I have a 2 year old son and I still get treated like a 15 year old child ever day. She tried to tell me when I should change is diaper and what and how I should feed him. The clothing he should wear and how to pack a diaper bag. Every single day. I want to get out but I'm a single parent with no help and its just impossible. The only fesiable option I've been able to come up with is that I find a place and Christopher stays with my dad until I can get back on my feet. That though is damn near impossible with the economy the and job market the way it is I would be working to pay rent, though now I'm working to pay day care. I need support in life. I just want someone there. I don't want to feel completely unwanted every single day. I don't think my mom ever really figured out how to be a real mom. She was never able to stop thinking about herself first. I don't feel like I have a home to go to just a place where my stuff is.
I have an incredibly amazing boyfriend who loves me more than pie but agian I find myself falling into the I don't deserve to be happy hole. I feel guilty that he loves me and hes too good for me and its jsut a matter of time before he figures it out and leaves like everyone else did. There's really only one that did but he was my heart and soul and I'm still a bit damaged from that. I know now why things happened the way they did and its nothing like what I have with Keith but I'm still afraid. Anyone I have ever really opened up to with the exception of like 2 people have all just left. I don't really know what I'm getting at here I just feel the anxiety and fear setting in and I don't know how to get it to go away. I feel lost and I don't know where to go. Well before I end this I have to share one picture with everyone. This is a picture of Christopher and Keith when we went to Dave and Busters in NY last week. Every time I look at it my heart drops a little and I know I love this man in a way that I can't explain.
i577.photobucket.com/albums/ss217/loveseses/01-31-09_1518.jpg
i577.photobucket.com/albums/ss217/loveseses/01-31-09_1610.jpg
i577.photobucket.com/albums/ss217/loveseses/02-01-09_2051.jpg
i577.photobucket.com/albums/ss217/loveseses/02-02-09_1744.jpg
I have spoken many a time to therapists that tell me depression is exasperated 10x fold with a troubled childhood. I don't remember anything about life before the age of about 9. I do remember small clips of places but nothing significant its never an event I have no recollection of spending time with my family or ever doing anything. On more than a few occasions I've been told by family that I am better off not remembering it. I have found out that my mother used to leave me in the car all night as an infant in NY so she could go out to the bars. Also that my mother used to have sex with me in the room as a small child about 4 or 5. Both my mother and father were pot smokers up until about 6 or 7 years ago. My father hid it from me in a way that it did not interfere with his relationship with me. Dad went out to the shed and that was Dad's time alone and it happened at night when it was time for me to go to bed. My mother on the other hand used to send me away in the middle of the day so she could smoke or she would do it with me in the other room and deny it after I questioned her. When I was about 11 I found my mothers stash in a container on the coffee table next to an identical container that held cookies(which is what I was looking for). Time after time I have had to deal with the outlandish guilt trips that just tear me down inside. I didn't do the dishes before she came home and i get an hour of "How dare you! How dare you do this to me! I give you everything and all you do is take advantage of me and all you want to do is use me and hurt me! How could you treat your mother this way!" I use quotations because that is literally word for word what I hear time and time again. Now once or twice its like yea ha ha moms overreacting again. This however, started when I was little.
I know I'm not perfect no one is. Its just that I can't seem to break the cycle of this. Every time I feel like I'm getting to where I should be as a human being I get torn down again. I'm 24 years old and I still live at home with my mother. I have a 2 year old son and I still get treated like a 15 year old child ever day. She tried to tell me when I should change is diaper and what and how I should feed him. The clothing he should wear and how to pack a diaper bag. Every single day. I want to get out but I'm a single parent with no help and its just impossible. The only fesiable option I've been able to come up with is that I find a place and Christopher stays with my dad until I can get back on my feet. That though is damn near impossible with the economy the and job market the way it is I would be working to pay rent, though now I'm working to pay day care. I need support in life. I just want someone there. I don't want to feel completely unwanted every single day. I don't think my mom ever really figured out how to be a real mom. She was never able to stop thinking about herself first. I don't feel like I have a home to go to just a place where my stuff is.
I have an incredibly amazing boyfriend who loves me more than pie but agian I find myself falling into the I don't deserve to be happy hole. I feel guilty that he loves me and hes too good for me and its jsut a matter of time before he figures it out and leaves like everyone else did. There's really only one that did but he was my heart and soul and I'm still a bit damaged from that. I know now why things happened the way they did and its nothing like what I have with Keith but I'm still afraid. Anyone I have ever really opened up to with the exception of like 2 people have all just left. I don't really know what I'm getting at here I just feel the anxiety and fear setting in and I don't know how to get it to go away. I feel lost and I don't know where to go. Well before I end this I have to share one picture with everyone. This is a picture of Christopher and Keith when we went to Dave and Busters in NY last week. Every time I look at it my heart drops a little and I know I love this man in a way that I can't explain.
i577.photobucket.com/albums/ss217/loveseses/01-31-09_1518.jpg
i577.photobucket.com/albums/ss217/loveseses/01-31-09_1610.jpg
i577.photobucket.com/albums/ss217/loveseses/02-01-09_2051.jpg
i577.photobucket.com/albums/ss217/loveseses/02-02-09_1744.jpg
