thoughts
I realized something yesterday. I'm never going to find someone to show me affection the way I want them to. I'm way too much of a bitch. I want my way as the only way. I mean I do make exceptions and try to be as understanding as I can and there for everyone all of the time but the people I love the most are the ones I hate the most. I mean is it just me? Am I incapable of love without violence or hatred. I love so much but I hate so much more. Such perfection leads to such thoughts of deceit(sp). I know where I want to be in life and I know what's gonna happen if I continue the way I am going. They are similar paths but one will lead to happiness and the other to a life of deception and non-trust.
I'm not gonna use names but flat out put I have to say this to you. Sometimes I really fucking hate you. I know your mental strength surpasses almost anyone else I've ever meet. But at the sametime with such beauty comes such destruction. Life is hard and it seems sometimes you make yours harder. I Know the ins and outs of some things that happen. Being the reason I say nothing when I feel my heart turn cold. I want your hands, your lips, your eyes upon me. Though sometimes not all touch is sexual and I feel it's hard to find the line. I want your strength, warmth, comfort, and protection. There is a serious connection that has been lost between us. Love grows stronger yet emotional intimacy lacks. I don't understand how I can be so happy and so unhappy at the sametime about the same people. The words I write fail my lips. The expressions I cannot convey. I feel a lose of time and space inside us. The continuation of things as they are will ultimately lead to the break of someones spirit and I fear it will be mine. I cannot handle my soul leaving me as it did once before. The knowledge that I found what I have because of that is the only thing that makes it bearable. I will not lose heart again but I will not tear out anothers. I am utlimately stuck between one another. What shall I do? Destroy the fragile soul of one who has given so much or give mine to those who have loved me best. Yet to mention the destruction of this soul could mean the lose of mine as well. I can't not continue as I have been. Again, my mind has fogged over to hide what I feel ony to make others happy. I want to get it out, to get it all out. Yet I can't a piece of me can't let go of the feelings deep inside, to the truth of my feelings.
Well, I had to get that out. Those who know, do and those who don't, won't. Bye for now kids. I wish I could express what I feel but those words can't do it.
I'm not gonna use names but flat out put I have to say this to you. Sometimes I really fucking hate you. I know your mental strength surpasses almost anyone else I've ever meet. But at the sametime with such beauty comes such destruction. Life is hard and it seems sometimes you make yours harder. I Know the ins and outs of some things that happen. Being the reason I say nothing when I feel my heart turn cold. I want your hands, your lips, your eyes upon me. Though sometimes not all touch is sexual and I feel it's hard to find the line. I want your strength, warmth, comfort, and protection. There is a serious connection that has been lost between us. Love grows stronger yet emotional intimacy lacks. I don't understand how I can be so happy and so unhappy at the sametime about the same people. The words I write fail my lips. The expressions I cannot convey. I feel a lose of time and space inside us. The continuation of things as they are will ultimately lead to the break of someones spirit and I fear it will be mine. I cannot handle my soul leaving me as it did once before. The knowledge that I found what I have because of that is the only thing that makes it bearable. I will not lose heart again but I will not tear out anothers. I am utlimately stuck between one another. What shall I do? Destroy the fragile soul of one who has given so much or give mine to those who have loved me best. Yet to mention the destruction of this soul could mean the lose of mine as well. I can't not continue as I have been. Again, my mind has fogged over to hide what I feel ony to make others happy. I want to get it out, to get it all out. Yet I can't a piece of me can't let go of the feelings deep inside, to the truth of my feelings.
Well, I had to get that out. Those who know, do and those who don't, won't. Bye for now kids. I wish I could express what I feel but those words can't do it.