[Fic] Error Code - 2/5
Title: Error Code
Author: Coley Merrin
Pairing: Zhou Mi/Kyuhyun
Pairing cameos: Tablo/Eunhyuk, Siwon/Hangeng
Rated: R
Genre: AU, sci-fi, angst, romance
Summary: A gift that isn't a machine, but much more than just an ordinary man. A place of safety where waiting to see, means waiting for danger.
In the same universe following Bolt and Strike, but not necessary to read to understand this.
***
Hyukjae was with them almost every moment that they examined Zhou Mi. And it was from him that most of Kyuhyun’s understanding of the evolution of who the androids had been - before and after. They had been trained and used as soldiers, guards, all variety of serving positions. Some kind of living sex dolls in some instances, or that was what Kyuhyun took from inference. His eyes considered the silent, blank faced Zhou Mi. He wondered which of those Zhou Mi had been. Clearly not all androids had been used for the same things. And his wondering about Hyukjae had ended up being right.
“I was an android for ten years,” Hyukjae told them. “So you’d think I’d have woken thinking as I had when I was 14 or so. But the integration between brain and hardware is sophisticated. Even if it was able to block our emotions and free will, there were aspects such as problem solving that were useful. It kept our brains from atrophying, because we were writing memories and learning, even if it was passively. Still it’s a shock to find you can choose things for yourself, down to using the bathroom when you want to. It’s harder than waking up 14 again, but at least we have a foundation to work from. Humans just aren’t as orderly and logical as our learning has led us to understand, which makes interaction difficult for some.”
Zhou Mi’s eyes kept darting, hand tight and sweaty on Kyuhyun’s.
“What if I never see again?”
“There are other people who can’t see,” Siwon said gently. “We can help you.”
“Just like you learned to walk, you’ll learn. But who knows what they’ll find?” Kyuhyun said, trying to be supportive.
Zhou Mi leaned into his shoulder, and he swore he heard Zhou Mi say, “But I’ll be with Kyuhyun.” And internally his brain spouted denials. And Hyukjae and Siwon with their constantly watching eyes.
This scan, and that scan. He got to see images of the parts inside of Zhou Mi’s head, scans of his brain. It was frightening. Terrifying, even. To think a human could be erased with no more than what he was seeing. And Zhou Mi was so quiet through it. Listening to their analysis, and Kyuhyun’s questions. One of those scans Hyukjae and Siwon needed to run on Zhou Mi required him to be out of the room, and Siwon explained it very thoroughly to the increasingly agitated Zhou Mi.
“Listen to me,” Kyuhyun said, his hands on Zhou Mi’s neck. “I am going to keep talking. You will hear my voice. I am not going anywhere. If you want to get your sight back, then they need me to leave so they can scan you. Please. Just sit still and listen to me.”
“You promise?”
“Promise,” he said.
And he talked about nothing. The sky, Zhou Mi’s pants, the fact that he liked snow, all sorts of random crap until Siwon indicated he could go back in. And then spent several minutes with a trembling man trying to hug him into pieces.
“Hey, it’s okay. I told you I’d be right back.”
Getting a little rest had put some perspective on the situation. He could’ve easily have left right then, just allowed Zhou Mi to let go and walked away. But Zhou Mi was among even more strangers. And the trust in Kyuhyun was clearly fragile enough without him being a jerk and totally breaking it. Besides, he had promised he would be there. At least after that scan. That promise wasn’t forever. No matter what Zhou Mi might think. If their positions had been reversed, he’d have been grateful for a little understanding.
And he sat, resigned, as Siwon told both him and Zhou Mi more about what they were doing. Human “androids” being controlled by circuitry in their heads. And after Hyukjae had been free of it, they had been determined to free as many people who had been in the same situation as possible. Recruiting first Tablo, who had been right there, and then Siwon to the cause. Siwon, a doctor, the human side to the electronics that Hyukjae was learning to understand.
“Unfortunately our reach isn’t very broad,” Siwon said. “We got a bunch out of the factory right at the start. But we’ve been tracking privately owned android humans for months now. And we know that there are more. Do you remember the age when you were turned, Zhou Mi? I know some do.”
Zhou Mi swallowed, squeezing Kyuhyun’s hand. “Fourteen. I think.”
“How old are you now?”
“According to my data logs… Twenty four.”
Kyuhyun’s stomach twisted. Ten years under the control of whatever machinery they’d stuck in his head. Two years older than Kyuhyun was himself, and they had ended in him as this. This frightened, unsure man.
“Hyukjae is the same age as you,” Siwon told Zhou Mi. “I don’t know how long they kept androids in service. In fact, we don’t know enough at all. Do you have any questions for me right now?”
Kyuhyun held his breath, wondering if Zhou Mi was going to ask again about his sight.
“What can I do?” Zhou Mi asked.
“We have videos. Walking through daily life, the city. You might not be able to see them right now, but you’ll be able to hear them. Maybe Kyuhyun can explain what you don’t understand. Hyukjae and I will keep looking into things.”
A day in the life of a human being, the videos could have been called. Work, transportation, free time, relationships. Zhou Mi sat very still, quiet, his hand still clutching Kyuhyun’s. He didn’t try and let go even though it was all kinds of humid between their palms. And he only fell asleep a couple of times. It wasn’t like Zhou Mi was going to tell on him.
“How does anyone make that many choices?” Zhou Mi asked when the video ended.
“Well, you don’t have to make them all at once.” And thank goodness for that. “Most people just start by getting out of bed and deciding what to eat, what to wear. You probably remember some of it from before, right?”
Scaffolding, he realized. Teaching humans unused to being able to decide anything for themselves how to function. How to live and breathe, and not be dependent on orders. It was an adjustment, and not an easy one for everyone. Zhou Mi frowned
“I remember playing in long corridors and lining up for meals. I remember my mother holding me, and I remember being taken away. She was crying. I don’t think… Where is my mother?”
The tension was rising in Zhou Mi, and it didn’t take a genius to figure it out. He squeezed Zhou Mi’s hand harder.
“It’s okay. We can look into it. For now, we can record everything you remember, and see if it leads us to your past, okay?
But it wasn’t enough for Zhou Mi to tell Kyuhyun of what he remembered. Precious little over the years, from when he was growing up. Barely his name, and his parents, and what his house had looked like. Young enough, or brainwashed enough, for much of that information to fade. Though Kyuhyun wondered with how much time that Zhou Mi might remember other things. Snatches, when he wasn’t trying so hard. When Zhou Mi was finished, holding onto Kyuhyun so tight that it was nearly painful, he wanted to hear of Kyuhyun’s own life. And at first he hesitated, consulting Siwon first. He didn’t want his own memories contaminating Zhou Mi’s. But it was Siwon’s opinion that Zhou Mi might be able to build from Kyuhyun’s. Perhaps triggering him to remember aspects of his own life. That wasn’t really a good enough excuse for Kyuhyun to feel comfortable with dragging out his summer vacations, and school bullies, and skinned knees. But he tried, when Zhou Mi held his hands and looked so blankly at him up and down as though just trying was enough for Zhou Mi to let him see Kyuhyun as he spoke. It was unnerving, was what it was. But he still tried. Over days, as Zhou Mi napped, still recovering from being half starved. Holding onto Kyuhyun, like the world’s largest security blanket.
And still, as Kyuhyun watched him sleep, the fine lines at the corners of Zhou Mi’s eyes, the unfurling of tense fingers. He wondered what else was in that head, behind those dark, unseeing eyes. And he told himself that wondering was normal, that it didn’t mean anything. That helping Zhou Mi on with his shirt, and seeing his back, or admiring the slim feet was all but expected. He dealt with it how he could. That was all.
***
It took five days for it to really get to him, the constant touching, Zhou Mi constantly needing to be sure he was there. He went with him from medical procedures, to life training instructions, to mealtimes. They couldn’t shower because he drew the line at getting naked with the man, and then potentially having to wash him? No. They made do with washcloths and washing up, and he absolutely kept his eyes on the floor and let Zhou Mi clean however and whatever he wanted while still being surgically connected to Kyuhyun. Well, almost.
But then he snapped. All he wanted to do was go into the bathroom, use the toilet, and walk back out. Seriously, a minute. Two minutes tops. Siwon was in the next room and he thought about calling for him, but he figured he’d get more of a lecture than any help about being patient and whatever.
“You cannot go with me into the bathroom. Okay? You’ll be fine. Just sit right here, and I’ll be right back. I promise.”
He molded Zhou Mi’s hands around the arms of the chair, and went into the bathroom. Locking it, because he’d made that mistake before when people had barged in. And it wasn’t like he deliberately took extra time. He did his business, and went back out. Only to see Zhou Mi had inched out of the chair, halfway to the bathroom door, and shaking like the proverbial leaf. Face turned as though sound itself could guide him to Kyuhyun.
“I told you to stay in the chair,” he said, and winced as Zhou Mi squeezed his arm tightly in both hands. “I told you I’d be right back.”
It took a few jerky steps to get Zhou Mi to the padded chair, sinking into the width of it together as Zhou Mi all but wound himself around Kyuhyun. Breathing against his neck, and softly chanting his name. He had never been needed so fiercely, and it was a heady rush. But he had never wanted to get away from the oppressive thumb of need so much, either.
Siwon walked in, quiet when he saw that Zhou Mi had fallen asleep against Kyuhyun. He sat, and even if he was smiling, Kyuhyun could feel the lecture behind it. He had probably heard the exchange.
“How are you?” Siwon said softly.
“Fine.”
“I know this has to be hard for you. You’ve been really good to be so patient.”
“I don’t know what to do about this,” Kyuhyun said, gesturing with his head at the hand grasped in Zhou Mi’s. “He won’t let me go.”
“We give all of them pillows, meditation pillows really. It’s so overwhelming at times, that is a place they can go to sit, and think, and center themselves. A place they be, where no one will bother them. I think you’re his meditation pillow.”
“But I have a life,” he said, pitching his voice low. “I have classes that are going to start up again.”
“When he gets back on his feet-”
“What if you can’t fix him? I can’t just drag a man around with me for the rest of my life. And it’s not going to take a day or two. I took in an android that maybe I could fix, but I didn’t sign up for this.”
“I wish I could give you some kind of timeline, but you know I can’t. I just hope you can be patient as long as possible. He needs you. We need you.”
Siwon patted his shoulder and left them alone. And several minutes passed before Zhou Mi stirred against his shoulder. It wasn’t fair for either of them, he thought. And he felt like some kind of demon. Even then as Zhou Mi’s head lifted and turned toward him, he couldn’t help but be caught on that mouth. And as repelled as he was by the need, the commitment of it, there were those random glimpses of something else behind the fear.
Like when Kyuhyun asked Zhou Mi if he wanted to go raid the kitchen for a snack. That glimmer of joy, just the tiniest tilt of Zhou Mi’s mouth that softened his whole demeanor. And avoiding those dark, unseeing eyes. But he couldn’t be attracted to a man who had only his name as his own. His life was messed up enough as it was.
“So what did you want?” he asked.
Almost always making Zhou Mi make the choice. Getting used to making even the small decisions for himself. Siwon said that was important. And if Zhou Mi could choose what to eat, then he could also start choosing to let go of Kyuhyun’s hand, and live.
“An apple?” Zhou Mi asked, with some hope.
And Kyuhyun could not repress the smile.
***
”I can’t just drag a man around with me for the rest of my life.” A breath. “I took in an android that maybe I could fix, but I didn’t sign up for this.”
No one knew how Kyuhyun’s thoughtlessly spoken words would fester.
***
The first hint he got that something was changing, was the morning he woke up to a very loud sound of pain. At first he thought the house had fallen down, or that someone had run into the wall, before he realized the bed was empty beside him. By the time he made it to the edge of the bed. Zhou Mi had gotten himself half sat up on the floor, and Kyuhyun scrambled down.
“Hey, are you okay? Did you fall out of bed? Did you have a nightmare?”
“I was trying to get up myself,” Zhou Mi said, the sound of it petulant.
And he didn’t quite comprehend it. This man who would barely let him go, trying to get out of bed on his own?
“Did you hurt yourself?”
“I fell. Nothing is broken.” And Zhou Mi proved it, awkwardly arranging himself so he could grab the edge of the bed and stand. “Where is my meditation pillow?”
Siwon had given one to them, for Zhou Mi, just in case he would want to start using it. They had, the three of them, placed it together. So that Zhou Mi would know it was there.
“It’s this-“
Zhou Mi jerked his arm away from Kyuhyun’s hand, where he had grasped to lead Zhou Mi to it.
“Just tell me.”
He adjusted Zhou Mi slightly, and told him. “Just walk straight ahead. Four, maybe five steps. Keep your hand out, and you’ll feel the wall before you trip over the pillow.”
The first step was unsteady, but he watched Zhou Mi’s back straighten. And when he wanted to open his mouth to assist, he stayed quiet. Another sound, as Zhou Mi’s hand found the wall. And he bent, feeling the pillow. Sitting down, experimentally on it, even if he partially missed it.
He waited in silence, standing and watching Zhou Mi feel around him, and finally sit still. He wasn’t sure what to do. If he moved, Zhou Mi would hear. And maybe think he was leaving, for all Kyuhyun knew. Zhou Mi maybe felt secure enough to try with Kyuhyun near. But it lasted no more than a couple of minutes, Zhou Mi searching out the wall and standing with a stumble.
“Kyuhyun?” Zhou Mi asked, holding out a hand as he walked forward.
Kyuhyun took it, squeezed reassuringly.
“I’m ready to eat,” Zhou Mi said. “I want eggs and rice. And tea.”
And Zhou Mi would not keep his hand. Instead, reaching to place his fingers on Kyuhyun’s shoulder as they walked. Steadied, guided, but not led.
And Kyuhyun wondered why he should be so bewildered by that.
***
Kyuhyun was used to sitting in the living area with Zhou Mi pressed against him. Listening to books, or to Kyuhyun describe the pictures on the video screen. Zhou Mi sat beside him for several minutes, as tense as could be. Kyuhyun could hear people moving, talking, in other rooms, and he wondered if that was what was putting Zhou Mi on edge.
“I want to learn this room,” Zhou Mi said suddenly. And scooted out until he could stand.
And Kyuhyun didn’t stand quickly enough, watching Zhou Mi make it not even five feet before nearly smashing his face in on another chair.
“Don’t help me!” Zhou Mi almost shouted, when Kyuhyun made moves toward him. And he watched helplessly as Zhou Mi bumped and stumbled his way around the couch.
“You’re doing good,” Kyuhyun said, wondering where his voice and his brain got to. And Kyuhyun saw Siwon in the doorway, watching.
The sound of Zhou Mi’s knees against the floor made him wince, and the expression on that face was terrible as he ordered Kyuhyun back again. His heart ached as Zhou Mi tried, and tried again. But it was the sound that stopped him, Zhou Mi catching himself from falling fully, but his hand catching at a sharp ledge. Even if Zhou Mi couldn’t see it, he could feel the blood welling. And Kyuhyun wouldn’t be held back then. Siwon went for the first aid kit and Kyuhyun settled, cradling Zhou Mi’s injured hand with both of his. A cut and a scrape, and not much more. But shocking enough to see the blood. By the time Siwon returned, Kyuhyun realized that Zhou Mi was crying silent tears. And he got an arm around Zhou Mi’s neck, hiding the snuffles in his own shoulder as Siwon patched up Zhou Mi’s hand.
Zhou Mi stayed close the rest of the day, and Kyuhyun found spots of Zhou Mi’s blood on his skin even hours after. And it was not the end of the trials. But just the beginning.
***
It was odd, amidst the confusion and worry, that Kyuhyun did not have less, but more episodes of catching sight of Zhou Mi from a certain angle, or seeing a glimpse of thigh as they dressed. And even when he swatted it away in his head, it lingered. To the point he was sometimes shorter, and less patient than he ever had been before. All he wanted was the comfort of his books, to sit in lectures where no one knew his name. Buying nutrition packs for his food processor, and trying not to duck his head to avoid all eye-contact whatsoever.
There was the one guy in his class the last time, who had actually sort of been eying him. He’d found that out kind of accidentally when a girl had tittered about him having an admirer. He’d looked up quick enough to actually see the guy looking at him. He’d not exactly run home after that, but the length of his strides had certainly increased. It was still forever until the next round of classes started, but if the guy was still interested, and they had a way of hooking up? It had been so long since he’d gotten sex in a normal fashion, much less dated. His awkwardness with people made it hard for anyone to know he was interested, much less into them. And virtual reality only satisfied so much. Skin, and the tang of sweat, in utter, total darkness. He didn’t feel like an awkward idiot as much when he was sliding against someone’s skin and feeling the ache of it.
Not that it did him much good to think about it. Because when he did, he still had a man attached to him, or falling over him. And what exactly could he do? Jerk off and try and hope that Zhou Mi didn’t notice. He had tried once when Zhou Mi was asleep, but the awkwardness of it had overwhelmed his urges. And with his luck, Zhou Mi would wake up at the most inopportune moment. And sexual education was definitely not part of his repertoire.
But they would sit sometimes, him combing over Zhou Mi’s legs, arms, back for new wounds from Zhou Mi’s spills. Soothing on ointment and checking to make sure Zhou Mi hadn’t broken something. When Zhou Mi in the shorts he slept in would draw up his knobby knees, resting a cheek on one, and speak haltingly of his past. A vague impression of his mother, a distasteful memory of life before he had been controlled.
“It’s weird that I remember having people there in the dorms. There were other boys my age, but we were all so scared. We ran, we ate, we slept.”
Little soldiers almost, Kyuhyun thought, and smeared cream on a particularly nasty bruise on Zhou Mi’s shin. It was strange, that even as Zhou Mi spoke of things that hurt him, that there was an expression on his face that belied it. An expression that was almost pleasant, just this side of a smile. He almost wanted to shake Zhou Mi, tell him that it was okay to be angry, to let it out. And he wondered how much that Zhou Mi hid from him, how must Zhou Mi maybe didn’t even know how to express.
“Are you angry at them for what they did to you?” he asked. “I would be. For doing that stuff to me. Taking me from my family.”
“I want to find my family. And I want to fix my sight. I don’t have any time for anger.”
“Yeah, but if you don’t deal with it, you’re just going to explode.”
Zhou Mi didn’t seem troubled by the fact that Kyuhyun’s hands were slick with the bruise cream, fishing for one and squeezing it anyway. “I think I am able to rationalize some emotions better. It was harder, just waking up. Because- Because of so many things. I’m angry at what they took from me, but I don’t want them to take any more. Does that seem logical to you?”
“Yes.” It did. They had taken too much already. Ten years of Zhou Mi’s life. Possibly his sight. “You’re doing a lot better than I would be. I probably wouldn’t have gotten out of bed.”
“There is so much life to experience.” And Zhou Mi’s lips curved, for real that time. “With you, Kui Xian. I was scared, but not with you.”
“Then you should not be scared in bed. It’s late.”
And he helped Zhou Mi to his feet, pointing him toward the mattress and chuckling as Zhou Mi bounced off of it a little. He ordered the lights down, and crawled under the covers. It took him moments to internalize the name that Zhou Mi had called him. But strangely wasn’t troubled by it.
“I won’t be trouble to you much longer,” Zhou Mi murmured.
And Kyuhyun tucked the words thoughtlessly away, sighing and falling asleep.
***
It was two days after, that Zhou Mi asked Siwon about devices for those who couldn’t see. People not even medicine could help. Vibrating sensors, and other things that Zhou Mi had reached into his memory banks for.
Siwon had assured him that he could get them. And seemed apologetic that he hadn’t already. But Zhou Mi asked him every day, until it was in his hands, and he could learn to use it. And it came with hits and misses. Unfortunately, most of those misses were at Zhou Mi’s expense, because he had become tenacious about refusing help. People learned to back out of his way, though Kyuhyun was always nearby. And kind of perpetually wincing.
Kyuhyun became an impromptu medic, cleaning more cuts and soothing more ointment on bruises. And on Zhou Mi’s thin frame, those bruises stood out. It looked like he was being beaten, shadows along his ribs, legs and arms. Though Siwon had seen Zhou Mi take enough spills to know it wasn’t Kyuhyun’s doing. The thought made him ill. If he had learned nothing about himself, it was that he was more giving than he’d assumed. Impatient and wanting his own life back, but stooping to hitting a man who was trying to figure out how live?
And there was a warmth to Zhou Mi, a softness, that was impossible to ignore. The way his face would brighten with a smile as they listened to audio books, or heard people talking around them. Zhou Mi had kind of become like his right arm. Maybe part of that was because it seemed like Zhou Mi was attached to his right arm all the time, but that wasn’t all of it. But they talked sometimes later than they should have, at night, or when they were alone. Kyuhyun telling Zhou Mi about his classes, about how he was looking forward to going back to them when they started up again.
He kind of missed his free time, but when he had someone constantly there ready to talk or listen, it was hard to dwell on what he was missing. Tracing the veins on the back of Zhou Mi’s hands and describing games he liked to play, or books he read, or museums he’d been to. And Zhou Mi was neither stupid, nor uninformed, having information on some of the things Kyuhyun knew about. Though even if it was technical knowledge, and not from Zhou Mi enjoying it, he thought they learned from each other about it. How many things Zhou Mi wanted, and was able to do. Listening to those books with awe. Not with the wonder of a child, but a man with a thirst to know, and live. Zhou Mi would probably be that guy in his classes who did all their papers early and aced their tests, and actually read all the assigned reading. Maybe in Zhou Mi’s case, just because he could. He thought he should bring that up to Siwon. That Zhou Mi might enjoy going to college.
But for right then, he was too busy dozing against Zhou Mi’s chest as the book droned from the speakers. But Zhou Mi did not seem to mind.
***
Author: Coley Merrin
Pairing: Zhou Mi/Kyuhyun
Pairing cameos: Tablo/Eunhyuk, Siwon/Hangeng
Rated: R
Genre: AU, sci-fi, angst, romance
Summary: A gift that isn't a machine, but much more than just an ordinary man. A place of safety where waiting to see, means waiting for danger.
In the same universe following Bolt and Strike, but not necessary to read to understand this.
***
Hyukjae was with them almost every moment that they examined Zhou Mi. And it was from him that most of Kyuhyun’s understanding of the evolution of who the androids had been - before and after. They had been trained and used as soldiers, guards, all variety of serving positions. Some kind of living sex dolls in some instances, or that was what Kyuhyun took from inference. His eyes considered the silent, blank faced Zhou Mi. He wondered which of those Zhou Mi had been. Clearly not all androids had been used for the same things. And his wondering about Hyukjae had ended up being right.
“I was an android for ten years,” Hyukjae told them. “So you’d think I’d have woken thinking as I had when I was 14 or so. But the integration between brain and hardware is sophisticated. Even if it was able to block our emotions and free will, there were aspects such as problem solving that were useful. It kept our brains from atrophying, because we were writing memories and learning, even if it was passively. Still it’s a shock to find you can choose things for yourself, down to using the bathroom when you want to. It’s harder than waking up 14 again, but at least we have a foundation to work from. Humans just aren’t as orderly and logical as our learning has led us to understand, which makes interaction difficult for some.”
Zhou Mi’s eyes kept darting, hand tight and sweaty on Kyuhyun’s.
“What if I never see again?”
“There are other people who can’t see,” Siwon said gently. “We can help you.”
“Just like you learned to walk, you’ll learn. But who knows what they’ll find?” Kyuhyun said, trying to be supportive.
Zhou Mi leaned into his shoulder, and he swore he heard Zhou Mi say, “But I’ll be with Kyuhyun.” And internally his brain spouted denials. And Hyukjae and Siwon with their constantly watching eyes.
This scan, and that scan. He got to see images of the parts inside of Zhou Mi’s head, scans of his brain. It was frightening. Terrifying, even. To think a human could be erased with no more than what he was seeing. And Zhou Mi was so quiet through it. Listening to their analysis, and Kyuhyun’s questions. One of those scans Hyukjae and Siwon needed to run on Zhou Mi required him to be out of the room, and Siwon explained it very thoroughly to the increasingly agitated Zhou Mi.
“Listen to me,” Kyuhyun said, his hands on Zhou Mi’s neck. “I am going to keep talking. You will hear my voice. I am not going anywhere. If you want to get your sight back, then they need me to leave so they can scan you. Please. Just sit still and listen to me.”
“You promise?”
“Promise,” he said.
And he talked about nothing. The sky, Zhou Mi’s pants, the fact that he liked snow, all sorts of random crap until Siwon indicated he could go back in. And then spent several minutes with a trembling man trying to hug him into pieces.
“Hey, it’s okay. I told you I’d be right back.”
Getting a little rest had put some perspective on the situation. He could’ve easily have left right then, just allowed Zhou Mi to let go and walked away. But Zhou Mi was among even more strangers. And the trust in Kyuhyun was clearly fragile enough without him being a jerk and totally breaking it. Besides, he had promised he would be there. At least after that scan. That promise wasn’t forever. No matter what Zhou Mi might think. If their positions had been reversed, he’d have been grateful for a little understanding.
And he sat, resigned, as Siwon told both him and Zhou Mi more about what they were doing. Human “androids” being controlled by circuitry in their heads. And after Hyukjae had been free of it, they had been determined to free as many people who had been in the same situation as possible. Recruiting first Tablo, who had been right there, and then Siwon to the cause. Siwon, a doctor, the human side to the electronics that Hyukjae was learning to understand.
“Unfortunately our reach isn’t very broad,” Siwon said. “We got a bunch out of the factory right at the start. But we’ve been tracking privately owned android humans for months now. And we know that there are more. Do you remember the age when you were turned, Zhou Mi? I know some do.”
Zhou Mi swallowed, squeezing Kyuhyun’s hand. “Fourteen. I think.”
“How old are you now?”
“According to my data logs… Twenty four.”
Kyuhyun’s stomach twisted. Ten years under the control of whatever machinery they’d stuck in his head. Two years older than Kyuhyun was himself, and they had ended in him as this. This frightened, unsure man.
“Hyukjae is the same age as you,” Siwon told Zhou Mi. “I don’t know how long they kept androids in service. In fact, we don’t know enough at all. Do you have any questions for me right now?”
Kyuhyun held his breath, wondering if Zhou Mi was going to ask again about his sight.
“What can I do?” Zhou Mi asked.
“We have videos. Walking through daily life, the city. You might not be able to see them right now, but you’ll be able to hear them. Maybe Kyuhyun can explain what you don’t understand. Hyukjae and I will keep looking into things.”
A day in the life of a human being, the videos could have been called. Work, transportation, free time, relationships. Zhou Mi sat very still, quiet, his hand still clutching Kyuhyun’s. He didn’t try and let go even though it was all kinds of humid between their palms. And he only fell asleep a couple of times. It wasn’t like Zhou Mi was going to tell on him.
“How does anyone make that many choices?” Zhou Mi asked when the video ended.
“Well, you don’t have to make them all at once.” And thank goodness for that. “Most people just start by getting out of bed and deciding what to eat, what to wear. You probably remember some of it from before, right?”
Scaffolding, he realized. Teaching humans unused to being able to decide anything for themselves how to function. How to live and breathe, and not be dependent on orders. It was an adjustment, and not an easy one for everyone. Zhou Mi frowned
“I remember playing in long corridors and lining up for meals. I remember my mother holding me, and I remember being taken away. She was crying. I don’t think… Where is my mother?”
The tension was rising in Zhou Mi, and it didn’t take a genius to figure it out. He squeezed Zhou Mi’s hand harder.
“It’s okay. We can look into it. For now, we can record everything you remember, and see if it leads us to your past, okay?
But it wasn’t enough for Zhou Mi to tell Kyuhyun of what he remembered. Precious little over the years, from when he was growing up. Barely his name, and his parents, and what his house had looked like. Young enough, or brainwashed enough, for much of that information to fade. Though Kyuhyun wondered with how much time that Zhou Mi might remember other things. Snatches, when he wasn’t trying so hard. When Zhou Mi was finished, holding onto Kyuhyun so tight that it was nearly painful, he wanted to hear of Kyuhyun’s own life. And at first he hesitated, consulting Siwon first. He didn’t want his own memories contaminating Zhou Mi’s. But it was Siwon’s opinion that Zhou Mi might be able to build from Kyuhyun’s. Perhaps triggering him to remember aspects of his own life. That wasn’t really a good enough excuse for Kyuhyun to feel comfortable with dragging out his summer vacations, and school bullies, and skinned knees. But he tried, when Zhou Mi held his hands and looked so blankly at him up and down as though just trying was enough for Zhou Mi to let him see Kyuhyun as he spoke. It was unnerving, was what it was. But he still tried. Over days, as Zhou Mi napped, still recovering from being half starved. Holding onto Kyuhyun, like the world’s largest security blanket.
And still, as Kyuhyun watched him sleep, the fine lines at the corners of Zhou Mi’s eyes, the unfurling of tense fingers. He wondered what else was in that head, behind those dark, unseeing eyes. And he told himself that wondering was normal, that it didn’t mean anything. That helping Zhou Mi on with his shirt, and seeing his back, or admiring the slim feet was all but expected. He dealt with it how he could. That was all.
***
It took five days for it to really get to him, the constant touching, Zhou Mi constantly needing to be sure he was there. He went with him from medical procedures, to life training instructions, to mealtimes. They couldn’t shower because he drew the line at getting naked with the man, and then potentially having to wash him? No. They made do with washcloths and washing up, and he absolutely kept his eyes on the floor and let Zhou Mi clean however and whatever he wanted while still being surgically connected to Kyuhyun. Well, almost.
But then he snapped. All he wanted to do was go into the bathroom, use the toilet, and walk back out. Seriously, a minute. Two minutes tops. Siwon was in the next room and he thought about calling for him, but he figured he’d get more of a lecture than any help about being patient and whatever.
“You cannot go with me into the bathroom. Okay? You’ll be fine. Just sit right here, and I’ll be right back. I promise.”
He molded Zhou Mi’s hands around the arms of the chair, and went into the bathroom. Locking it, because he’d made that mistake before when people had barged in. And it wasn’t like he deliberately took extra time. He did his business, and went back out. Only to see Zhou Mi had inched out of the chair, halfway to the bathroom door, and shaking like the proverbial leaf. Face turned as though sound itself could guide him to Kyuhyun.
“I told you to stay in the chair,” he said, and winced as Zhou Mi squeezed his arm tightly in both hands. “I told you I’d be right back.”
It took a few jerky steps to get Zhou Mi to the padded chair, sinking into the width of it together as Zhou Mi all but wound himself around Kyuhyun. Breathing against his neck, and softly chanting his name. He had never been needed so fiercely, and it was a heady rush. But he had never wanted to get away from the oppressive thumb of need so much, either.
Siwon walked in, quiet when he saw that Zhou Mi had fallen asleep against Kyuhyun. He sat, and even if he was smiling, Kyuhyun could feel the lecture behind it. He had probably heard the exchange.
“How are you?” Siwon said softly.
“Fine.”
“I know this has to be hard for you. You’ve been really good to be so patient.”
“I don’t know what to do about this,” Kyuhyun said, gesturing with his head at the hand grasped in Zhou Mi’s. “He won’t let me go.”
“We give all of them pillows, meditation pillows really. It’s so overwhelming at times, that is a place they can go to sit, and think, and center themselves. A place they be, where no one will bother them. I think you’re his meditation pillow.”
“But I have a life,” he said, pitching his voice low. “I have classes that are going to start up again.”
“When he gets back on his feet-”
“What if you can’t fix him? I can’t just drag a man around with me for the rest of my life. And it’s not going to take a day or two. I took in an android that maybe I could fix, but I didn’t sign up for this.”
“I wish I could give you some kind of timeline, but you know I can’t. I just hope you can be patient as long as possible. He needs you. We need you.”
Siwon patted his shoulder and left them alone. And several minutes passed before Zhou Mi stirred against his shoulder. It wasn’t fair for either of them, he thought. And he felt like some kind of demon. Even then as Zhou Mi’s head lifted and turned toward him, he couldn’t help but be caught on that mouth. And as repelled as he was by the need, the commitment of it, there were those random glimpses of something else behind the fear.
Like when Kyuhyun asked Zhou Mi if he wanted to go raid the kitchen for a snack. That glimmer of joy, just the tiniest tilt of Zhou Mi’s mouth that softened his whole demeanor. And avoiding those dark, unseeing eyes. But he couldn’t be attracted to a man who had only his name as his own. His life was messed up enough as it was.
“So what did you want?” he asked.
Almost always making Zhou Mi make the choice. Getting used to making even the small decisions for himself. Siwon said that was important. And if Zhou Mi could choose what to eat, then he could also start choosing to let go of Kyuhyun’s hand, and live.
“An apple?” Zhou Mi asked, with some hope.
And Kyuhyun could not repress the smile.
***
”I can’t just drag a man around with me for the rest of my life.” A breath. “I took in an android that maybe I could fix, but I didn’t sign up for this.”
No one knew how Kyuhyun’s thoughtlessly spoken words would fester.
***
The first hint he got that something was changing, was the morning he woke up to a very loud sound of pain. At first he thought the house had fallen down, or that someone had run into the wall, before he realized the bed was empty beside him. By the time he made it to the edge of the bed. Zhou Mi had gotten himself half sat up on the floor, and Kyuhyun scrambled down.
“Hey, are you okay? Did you fall out of bed? Did you have a nightmare?”
“I was trying to get up myself,” Zhou Mi said, the sound of it petulant.
And he didn’t quite comprehend it. This man who would barely let him go, trying to get out of bed on his own?
“Did you hurt yourself?”
“I fell. Nothing is broken.” And Zhou Mi proved it, awkwardly arranging himself so he could grab the edge of the bed and stand. “Where is my meditation pillow?”
Siwon had given one to them, for Zhou Mi, just in case he would want to start using it. They had, the three of them, placed it together. So that Zhou Mi would know it was there.
“It’s this-“
Zhou Mi jerked his arm away from Kyuhyun’s hand, where he had grasped to lead Zhou Mi to it.
“Just tell me.”
He adjusted Zhou Mi slightly, and told him. “Just walk straight ahead. Four, maybe five steps. Keep your hand out, and you’ll feel the wall before you trip over the pillow.”
The first step was unsteady, but he watched Zhou Mi’s back straighten. And when he wanted to open his mouth to assist, he stayed quiet. Another sound, as Zhou Mi’s hand found the wall. And he bent, feeling the pillow. Sitting down, experimentally on it, even if he partially missed it.
He waited in silence, standing and watching Zhou Mi feel around him, and finally sit still. He wasn’t sure what to do. If he moved, Zhou Mi would hear. And maybe think he was leaving, for all Kyuhyun knew. Zhou Mi maybe felt secure enough to try with Kyuhyun near. But it lasted no more than a couple of minutes, Zhou Mi searching out the wall and standing with a stumble.
“Kyuhyun?” Zhou Mi asked, holding out a hand as he walked forward.
Kyuhyun took it, squeezed reassuringly.
“I’m ready to eat,” Zhou Mi said. “I want eggs and rice. And tea.”
And Zhou Mi would not keep his hand. Instead, reaching to place his fingers on Kyuhyun’s shoulder as they walked. Steadied, guided, but not led.
And Kyuhyun wondered why he should be so bewildered by that.
***
Kyuhyun was used to sitting in the living area with Zhou Mi pressed against him. Listening to books, or to Kyuhyun describe the pictures on the video screen. Zhou Mi sat beside him for several minutes, as tense as could be. Kyuhyun could hear people moving, talking, in other rooms, and he wondered if that was what was putting Zhou Mi on edge.
“I want to learn this room,” Zhou Mi said suddenly. And scooted out until he could stand.
And Kyuhyun didn’t stand quickly enough, watching Zhou Mi make it not even five feet before nearly smashing his face in on another chair.
“Don’t help me!” Zhou Mi almost shouted, when Kyuhyun made moves toward him. And he watched helplessly as Zhou Mi bumped and stumbled his way around the couch.
“You’re doing good,” Kyuhyun said, wondering where his voice and his brain got to. And Kyuhyun saw Siwon in the doorway, watching.
The sound of Zhou Mi’s knees against the floor made him wince, and the expression on that face was terrible as he ordered Kyuhyun back again. His heart ached as Zhou Mi tried, and tried again. But it was the sound that stopped him, Zhou Mi catching himself from falling fully, but his hand catching at a sharp ledge. Even if Zhou Mi couldn’t see it, he could feel the blood welling. And Kyuhyun wouldn’t be held back then. Siwon went for the first aid kit and Kyuhyun settled, cradling Zhou Mi’s injured hand with both of his. A cut and a scrape, and not much more. But shocking enough to see the blood. By the time Siwon returned, Kyuhyun realized that Zhou Mi was crying silent tears. And he got an arm around Zhou Mi’s neck, hiding the snuffles in his own shoulder as Siwon patched up Zhou Mi’s hand.
Zhou Mi stayed close the rest of the day, and Kyuhyun found spots of Zhou Mi’s blood on his skin even hours after. And it was not the end of the trials. But just the beginning.
***
It was odd, amidst the confusion and worry, that Kyuhyun did not have less, but more episodes of catching sight of Zhou Mi from a certain angle, or seeing a glimpse of thigh as they dressed. And even when he swatted it away in his head, it lingered. To the point he was sometimes shorter, and less patient than he ever had been before. All he wanted was the comfort of his books, to sit in lectures where no one knew his name. Buying nutrition packs for his food processor, and trying not to duck his head to avoid all eye-contact whatsoever.
There was the one guy in his class the last time, who had actually sort of been eying him. He’d found that out kind of accidentally when a girl had tittered about him having an admirer. He’d looked up quick enough to actually see the guy looking at him. He’d not exactly run home after that, but the length of his strides had certainly increased. It was still forever until the next round of classes started, but if the guy was still interested, and they had a way of hooking up? It had been so long since he’d gotten sex in a normal fashion, much less dated. His awkwardness with people made it hard for anyone to know he was interested, much less into them. And virtual reality only satisfied so much. Skin, and the tang of sweat, in utter, total darkness. He didn’t feel like an awkward idiot as much when he was sliding against someone’s skin and feeling the ache of it.
Not that it did him much good to think about it. Because when he did, he still had a man attached to him, or falling over him. And what exactly could he do? Jerk off and try and hope that Zhou Mi didn’t notice. He had tried once when Zhou Mi was asleep, but the awkwardness of it had overwhelmed his urges. And with his luck, Zhou Mi would wake up at the most inopportune moment. And sexual education was definitely not part of his repertoire.
But they would sit sometimes, him combing over Zhou Mi’s legs, arms, back for new wounds from Zhou Mi’s spills. Soothing on ointment and checking to make sure Zhou Mi hadn’t broken something. When Zhou Mi in the shorts he slept in would draw up his knobby knees, resting a cheek on one, and speak haltingly of his past. A vague impression of his mother, a distasteful memory of life before he had been controlled.
“It’s weird that I remember having people there in the dorms. There were other boys my age, but we were all so scared. We ran, we ate, we slept.”
Little soldiers almost, Kyuhyun thought, and smeared cream on a particularly nasty bruise on Zhou Mi’s shin. It was strange, that even as Zhou Mi spoke of things that hurt him, that there was an expression on his face that belied it. An expression that was almost pleasant, just this side of a smile. He almost wanted to shake Zhou Mi, tell him that it was okay to be angry, to let it out. And he wondered how much that Zhou Mi hid from him, how must Zhou Mi maybe didn’t even know how to express.
“Are you angry at them for what they did to you?” he asked. “I would be. For doing that stuff to me. Taking me from my family.”
“I want to find my family. And I want to fix my sight. I don’t have any time for anger.”
“Yeah, but if you don’t deal with it, you’re just going to explode.”
Zhou Mi didn’t seem troubled by the fact that Kyuhyun’s hands were slick with the bruise cream, fishing for one and squeezing it anyway. “I think I am able to rationalize some emotions better. It was harder, just waking up. Because- Because of so many things. I’m angry at what they took from me, but I don’t want them to take any more. Does that seem logical to you?”
“Yes.” It did. They had taken too much already. Ten years of Zhou Mi’s life. Possibly his sight. “You’re doing a lot better than I would be. I probably wouldn’t have gotten out of bed.”
“There is so much life to experience.” And Zhou Mi’s lips curved, for real that time. “With you, Kui Xian. I was scared, but not with you.”
“Then you should not be scared in bed. It’s late.”
And he helped Zhou Mi to his feet, pointing him toward the mattress and chuckling as Zhou Mi bounced off of it a little. He ordered the lights down, and crawled under the covers. It took him moments to internalize the name that Zhou Mi had called him. But strangely wasn’t troubled by it.
“I won’t be trouble to you much longer,” Zhou Mi murmured.
And Kyuhyun tucked the words thoughtlessly away, sighing and falling asleep.
***
It was two days after, that Zhou Mi asked Siwon about devices for those who couldn’t see. People not even medicine could help. Vibrating sensors, and other things that Zhou Mi had reached into his memory banks for.
Siwon had assured him that he could get them. And seemed apologetic that he hadn’t already. But Zhou Mi asked him every day, until it was in his hands, and he could learn to use it. And it came with hits and misses. Unfortunately, most of those misses were at Zhou Mi’s expense, because he had become tenacious about refusing help. People learned to back out of his way, though Kyuhyun was always nearby. And kind of perpetually wincing.
Kyuhyun became an impromptu medic, cleaning more cuts and soothing more ointment on bruises. And on Zhou Mi’s thin frame, those bruises stood out. It looked like he was being beaten, shadows along his ribs, legs and arms. Though Siwon had seen Zhou Mi take enough spills to know it wasn’t Kyuhyun’s doing. The thought made him ill. If he had learned nothing about himself, it was that he was more giving than he’d assumed. Impatient and wanting his own life back, but stooping to hitting a man who was trying to figure out how live?
And there was a warmth to Zhou Mi, a softness, that was impossible to ignore. The way his face would brighten with a smile as they listened to audio books, or heard people talking around them. Zhou Mi had kind of become like his right arm. Maybe part of that was because it seemed like Zhou Mi was attached to his right arm all the time, but that wasn’t all of it. But they talked sometimes later than they should have, at night, or when they were alone. Kyuhyun telling Zhou Mi about his classes, about how he was looking forward to going back to them when they started up again.
He kind of missed his free time, but when he had someone constantly there ready to talk or listen, it was hard to dwell on what he was missing. Tracing the veins on the back of Zhou Mi’s hands and describing games he liked to play, or books he read, or museums he’d been to. And Zhou Mi was neither stupid, nor uninformed, having information on some of the things Kyuhyun knew about. Though even if it was technical knowledge, and not from Zhou Mi enjoying it, he thought they learned from each other about it. How many things Zhou Mi wanted, and was able to do. Listening to those books with awe. Not with the wonder of a child, but a man with a thirst to know, and live. Zhou Mi would probably be that guy in his classes who did all their papers early and aced their tests, and actually read all the assigned reading. Maybe in Zhou Mi’s case, just because he could. He thought he should bring that up to Siwon. That Zhou Mi might enjoy going to college.
But for right then, he was too busy dozing against Zhou Mi’s chest as the book droned from the speakers. But Zhou Mi did not seem to mind.
***