[Fic] Across the Line - 2/4
Title: Across the Line
Author: Coley Merrin
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Zhou Mi/Girl!Kyuhyun
Warning: Girl!Kyu, babies, medical stuff relating to pregnancy and babies, etc.
Summary: First came love, then came...an ultrasound? Somehow the order of those events got mixed up, and when she thought no one was there for her - someone was.
Warning: Girl!Kyu, babies, medical stuff relating to pregnancy and babies, etc.
***
Chapter One * Chapter Two * Chapter Three
***
15 weeks - January
***
Fifteen weeks, said her pregnancy book, was not quite even halfway through the expected pregnancy. She could count on one hand the number of people who knew she was pregnant. Two of those were doctors, and the rest were staff in the doctor’s offices. She went through most days actively attempting to pretend that nothing was wrong with her. That everyone was just joking with her. It was easy to forget some days, just getting up, going to work, doing what she had to. Shopping, cooking. If she looked at her body just right, she almost couldn’t tell. Her pants were a little tighter, though she didn’t look like she was super pregnant. She supposed she ought to be thankful for that. Something to be thankful for.
She was a lot less nauseated than she had been before, so she felt even better, if not a lot more tired. She passed out earlier, was hungry almost constantly. Worked herself towards understanding, or acceptance, or whatever it was that she was planning to feel inside eventually.
In the bad moments, she stared at Zhou Mi’s, Dr. Zhou’s, number in her phone. They hadn’t spoken, contacted each other since the second time they had met for soup. She had bought it for him, as she’d promised, evening them. He’d seemed glad that she was doing well. She’d even made some kind of mention that she intended to tell her friends and that she was feeling very well. To keep the conversation going, he had told her about where he had grown up in China, that his family had moved when he was still young. His hands moved naturally, fluidly, as he talked, and no matter how hard she sat on it, she saw what she had been unwilling to before. The strength of his jaw, the solidness of his fingers. His possibly too-wide but still appealing mouth, his straight nose and dark eyes. The sum of his features were not even, but together, as his mouth quirked and he laughed, almost rocking in his seat, she felt a flutter that she’d been pretty positive was illegal in Cho Kyuhyun land. She didn’t need to find her doctor appealing, as a man, not on any level. She was in the trouble she was in because of a man, she reminded herself vehemently. And it didn’t matter how many teeth he showed when he smiled, or how bizarrely peppy his ring tone was, Dr. Zhou was still a man.
He’d left after his pager had gone off with the promise that she could contact him if she needed to, or to call the office. Somehow while she’d been distracted admiring his face, she’d satisfied him that she wasn’t quite as much without an anchor as she’d begun. Of course, that had only partially been true. There had been intentions to tell her friends, and then to use that as a jumping off point to tell her family. But every time she imagined it, she ended up frustrated as she imagined all the ways it could go wrong, and then she had some of her secret chocolate stash and put it off another day.
What man would want her, knowing she was single with another man’s child? Rationally she knew even women with children married or remarried. But it wasn’t like she always thought about it rationally. It was entirely possible she was different than all of them, that she’d have to move to where her parents were. But then she started to breathe again. She could only do one thing at a time. She remembered the one hug Zhou Mi had given her, and let herself indulge in fantasies. She didn’t even know the man, besides the fact that he seemed like a nice person and a good doctor. But he was, and beyond all her temporary blindness, a good looking man. So if she allowed herself to dream of the only man who seemed to accept her situation, almost the only one who knew, then it didn’t hurt. But it was hard not to imagine him looking at her, finding her desirable. That he would want her despite the baby.
Any lingering illusions she had that becoming an adult meant having all the answers were rapidly fading.
But she had passed weeks that way, somehow.
***
Any normal lunch meeting with her group of friends was an event greeted with happiness. Ryeowook, who consistently looked like she was a mannequin come to grace them with some kind of real-life perfection. Eunhyuk, who even running late with her hair stuffed under some cap that should’ve been ridiculous but wasn’t, and who came creeping in sheepishly with a smile. She’d gone to college with most of them, but their jobs and lives kept them from meeting as often as they liked. No more meetings in the library and discussing the cute guy who happened to be sitting ahead of one of them in class, or how evil their professors were. It had been quite a few years since even the last one had graduated. Five years, for her. The circles of friends they had were different, but they still met. It was the closest relationship to any women that she had, really.
She nearly didn’t go at all, wondering if they’d see, if they’d somehow know. That she went at all, spoke to her trust them. That they wouldn’t shun her. To walk the line between expecting them to freak out, or lecture, or help and empathize. She was doing enough lecturing of herself to be able to handle much from outside sources.
But she saw their faces, and she was the next to last one to arrive, and felt better. Eunhyuk, Ryeowook on either side of her. No one asked if she’d gained weight. Maybe she wouldn’t just tell them in the middle of the restaurant. Maybe she’d wait, find some other kind of way to tell them. Maybe not all together. Ryeowook all but leaned against her as everyone chatted, and it calmed her. Maybe she looked more tense than she realized if Ryeowook was trying to comfort her.
It was easy to joke about her job, her boss. Something normal, defined and understood. Donghae was hoping for a proposal, Eunhyuk with the glow of just starting to date. Ryeowook content in her relationship of several years. So many hopes and dreams for all of them. They’d all been hurt in different ways, different times. She envied them, and put her chin up higher.
Her head turned as she heard a question being directed her way.
“Have you heard anything after the wedding, or…”
There were a few shifty looks as that question spun out. It was obvious who the question was about. If she’d heard from her ex, about his wedding, his new wife. When she’d cried after he’d broken up with her, they’d all cautioned her not to contact him or allow him to contact her. That he might try to use her in some way if he thought she wanted anything to do with him.
“No, of course I haven’t heard from him,” she got out. None of them knew. None of them. She gulped in a breath, Zhou Mi’s reassuring hand on hers swimming through her mind. “I’m pregnant.”
There was a collective hush, and she couldn’t look. Eyes on her half empty plate and trying to quell her rollicking stomach. There had to have been a better time, better place. Better way. Preparing them somehow. Tears prickled and she blinked them away as an arm came around her shoulders.
“His baby?”
She nodded fiercely, and got a surprise curse from her left side.
“And he married that other… Then what can you do? You haven’t told him? Your family?”
“And you’ve been broken up for months. Have you seen a doctor?”
She answered as best she could, knowing the questions would keep coming. That she had told no one, that she’d seen a doctor. There was concern, confusion. A little frustration when she admitted how long she’d known and hadn’t told them.
“What are you going to do?” one of them asked, looking as confused as she felt.
She shook her head, almost laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. “Have a baby.”
They bought her dessert, and talked. Tossing out ideas for after the baby was born, or thinking of men she could meet. That was met with a little less enthusiasm. They tried their best to understand, and she appreciated that. Mostly it turned into a planning session on how to tell her parents. She was an adult, capable woman, and it scared her to her core. It wasn’t like she’d grown up imagining just how she’d tell her parents the most unexpected news of her life. But she knew, as did they, that she had to tell her parents And putting it off only made it harder.
She felt as though she was nearly breaking Ryeowook’s hand as she listened to the phone ringing.
She gulped in a deep breath, and fought to keep her voice steady at the familiar voice over the line. “Mama?”
***
Week 16 - February
***
If she was grateful for anything, it was that her second appointment with Zhou Mi, and his given name sounded so much less stuffy in her head, went better. She hadn’t felt the need to run away or faint, and she’d gotten a welcoming smile from him as they’d passed in the hallway when she was on her way to the exam room. She blew out a breath as they breezed through the appointment, everything seeming to be well. He turned on his rolling stool and just considered her a moment.
“You seem to be doing really well physically, and you’re looking well. How are you?”
“Good,” she said softly, wondering how much time they had. Not enough. She wanted him to calm her even further, and didn’t know how that was possible. “I told my friends. And my parents.”
He nodded, encouraging her to continue. “And how did they take it?”
“My friends took it better. My parents were…upset? Concerned. Disappointed. I don’t know. We had to hang up so they could talk, before they called me back. But a couple of my friends were with me, so they kept me from freaking out. It was horrible, but at least I don’t have to do it again.”
He nodded, his whole focus on her. “That’s true. I’m glad you had someone with you. You’re healthy, the baby is healthy. There’s a lot to be thankful for.”
“I really wanted to thank you,” she blurted, unsure of where it had even come from. “I went over our conversations a lot when I just felt crazy, and I kept putting things off. You treated me like I was a person, and not some kind of walking mistake, and I never forgot that. So thank you.”
He smiled, and took her hand. Not dwarfing hers so much as gently holding.
“I’m glad I helped at all. You’re not the first woman in your situation that I’ve seen, and you definitely won’t be the last. To some, it’s a worse occurrence than others. There are those events, happenings, in life that are unalterable, terrible, life changing in the worst of ways. That’s the last thing I want you to feel like you’re going through.”
It was like he was trying to hand her right to accept everything. She closed her eyes, imagined the months stretching out in front of her. When the appointment was over, they’d schedule another one. And that knowledge comforted her.
“I wanted-”
A quiet knock on the door interrupted her, and he stood easily, opening it to speak to his nurse.
He turned back to her, smiling. “I have to go. I’ll text you, okay?”
She smiled back, thanking him. It wasn’t the white jacket, or his dark glasses, or his official title. It was his demeanor, and his gentle hands. He, quite conscientiously, rolled the stool out of her way, and waved again. And once again, left her feeling secure.
***
True to his word, Zhou Mi sent Kyuhyun a text. It made sense to meet at the same place they had before. Maybe he wouldn’t have, if he hadn’t been needed urgently, if she’d been able to finish what she’d wanted to tell him during her appointment. At least, that was the excuse he was giving himself for the moment. He was starting to get a certain feeling that he wasn’t sure what to think of. Or really, it was a feeling he hadn’t let himself consider the past few days at all.
The moment she stepped into the restaurant, he realized again the line he walked. Not professionally, but personally. Watching her unwind her scarf as she let the door close, her smile as her hair fell over her shoulder. Seventeen weeks pregnant, and she looked amazing. That glow that some women got was definitely in effect. And without the use of mascara, eyeliners, or even much makeup that he could tell, she was beautiful. It wasn’t like he lived in a cave. He saw beautiful women enough, but there was something about this one that drew him. If his boss knew about their meetings, he would probably lecture Zhou Mi long and hard about propriety. There was no law that people could not be friends with their doctors, but the simple fact that he was a man and she a woman immediately would make some people misunderstand. He watched her, trying to be subtle, as she told the waitress what she wanted. Probably more herself than he’d ever seen her, joking with him, lifted from some of the worries and secrets she had held. Until he figured out what he needed to do, he figured the lecture would be worth it.
***
Week 18 - February
***
He lasted almost two weeks before contacting her again, asking her to meet him.
And that wait was only because he had five deliveries, and was on call part of that time. It was hard to think of possible relationships and problems when he was coaching a woman to push. He certainly wouldn’t have wanted anyone working on him while distracted. He put it as cheerfully out of his mind as he could.
And when a friend texted him to know if he wanted to meet a girl he thought would be good for Zhou Mi, he immediately thought of Kyuhyun.
He drummed his forehead with his palms
Should he do the smart thing? Was there a smart thing? Here was this girl, woman, he amended. Smart, attractive. As much his type as he had seen after getting to know her a little better.
He knew there was a little baggage. He wasn’t counting that out. There was the idiot ex-boyfriend who had been two-timing her. That didn’t exactly just disappear from her psyche. But it was something she could work through. She would have loved the guy, would have expected that he would do the right thing if what had happened, happened. But he hadn’t.
And there was the baby. That was definitely the bigger of the two. That had him asking himself a few questions. If they started dating, if it got serious, the baby would always be there. He loved kids. He wanted kids, very much. It was one of the things he loved most about his job, being able to bring the tiny, strong and fragile creatures into the world. So it wasn’t that he didn’t want kids. The baby wouldn’t be his. And he hated himself that he even considered it, but he felt he had to. Now, before he got into any sort of relationship with her. Being sure that some kind of weird feelings didn’t pop up. He thought he was a person who wouldn’t care, that a child in need of love would be his child no matter what.
He had to be honest with himself, or risk hurting all of them. The child was an innocent, to whatever deeds had been done. And if he came to love Kyuhyun, to see her love the child she carried, to hold her hand when they learned if there was to be a boy or girl… He felt he could love the child. If he couldn’t, he wasn’t sure what he would make of himself afterward. And in a few years, perhaps another child. Biologically his, but also loved. Him, Kyuhyun. The child he would give his name, and the child he would give his blood. And all of them his heart. He could see it, too well. He’d been waiting for it.
His mother’s subtle pushes, and some not so subtle. Would they accept Kyuhyun? The baby? Even if he told them what had happened, what the baby’s father had done to her. They would be wary, of course. Who was this woman, and who was she to their son. He understood that. He understood it might not be easy, but if it came to that, he would find a way. It wasn’t as though, by asking her if she was interested in him that he was guaranteeing that they would marry. And he was not a good planner by nature. But he did have some blind faith that things would work out. And he would be able to do what they needed. If she wanted him. To have a wife, a child. To slide a ring on her finger, and know there was someone beside him.
His career was finally stable. There was no better time, really. But it was more than timing, and he thought it would be more just than lust.
He parked, hopping out to get the car door for her since she all but appeared out of nowhere, waiting for him. Dressed warmly, he saw, approving, since the February air was still very cool. And he grinned, getting the door shut as she got settled in the seat. He hustled around to his side of the car before he got into trouble for parking where he shouldn’t be.
“Good day so far?” he asked, clicking his belt closed, and waiting for her to do the same before merging into traffic.
“I’m thanking every morning that I don’t wake up nauseous,” she said, laughing, and he kept himself from looking over at her.
“And you’ve been doing okay since I saw you last?”
“Yes, Dr. Zhou. Sometimes I think I feel the baby moving, but I look on the Internet and I don’t know if I’m supposed to be able to tell?”
“Some can really early, and some can’t. Some women who’ve been pregnant before start to recognize it earlier. But you’re almost eighteen weeks or so? You know your body better than the Internet does.”
“True.” She paused significantly for a moment. “I hope you don’t think I’m asking you because I want to get out of going in for another appointment.”
“As long as you don’t ask me to get out my stethoscope,” he teased, turning so that the car was heading up into the hills. “Don’t worry. I’m happy to answer your questions. You’re thinking about you and your baby.”
“Are we going to the lookout?” she asked, leaning forward to peer out the window.
“Yeah. I thought it might be nice to get out of the city a little ways,” he said.
He’d brought some fruit, thinking they could have a little picnic, even in the car if the weather wasn’t cooperating. Potentially a little too cold, but he’d make due. Getting away with her was the one thing he really wanted.
“You mentioned that you’d told everyone. Did you want to talk about it any further?” he offered as he parked.
“I did tell everyone,” she said softly. “Everyone was together, so there were all the different reactions. It ended up being kind of good, because the ones who understood, helped everyone sort of calm down.”
He waited a moment, staring at her. “And?”
“There was concern. None of them want to see me lose my job, or… They were angry. At him. And that I didn’t do as much as I should have. Maybe I’ll be some kind of lesson to them. Know better when it comes to men.”
“But no one got upset with you?”
“Not like I worried about. We talked a long time.”
“I’m glad,” he said softly. “It’s good for you to be able to have someone to lean on.”
There was that small possibility that he would be one of those people for her.
They walked to take in the view, and he all but grafted his fingers onto the ledge. His only question really surrounded on whether she saw him as a man, or just her doctor. And that answer really decided everything.
“I know you said you had something you wanted to ask me about,” she said, leaning beside him. “But I really wanted to thank you again. With everything that’s gone on the last few weeks, I’ve really realized how much it means to me to have someone I can trust and rely on. As my doctor, you’ll be the one who delivers the baby, yes?”
“Of course,” he said, nodding at her. “There are obviously unforeseen issues sometimes, but in any normal situation, I would be there with you.”
“Good. When I think ahead to when the baby is born, and most days I can’t imagine that day ever getting here, I just really, really want you there. So don’t take any vacations or anything, okay?”
Her words were so teasing, but so serious.
“Of course I’ll be there for you,” he said, sort of hedging his words. There were so many ways he could be there for her.
“The thought of having to rely on any other doctor makes my stomach turn,” she admitted. “I’ve had panic attacks thinking of what could happen. So thank you. I just really wanted to be sure.”
“You won’t be alone,” he assured her. It was his cue to let what he had brought her to talk about drop, but he couldn’t. If he could assure her that he could be there, even in an unofficial capacity? He could still even deliver the baby. Some fathers did, and it wasn’t as though there was any law against it. "If me being your doctor is what is most important to you right now, then that's what I'll be. That’s all I can be."
"Yes," she said, looking down. "I think that might be best."
“Then I will be the one thing you can look to and depend on,” he told her. Eighteen weeks, almost halfway through her pregnancy. He caught his sinking heart and poked it back into place. It had been a wish, that was all. And the one thing he was guaranteed of was time. That he was someone she trusted was far more than many men had ever had.
***
It was not until after Zhou Mi had left her back at her apartment with a small bag of food he had taken with them that she really replayed their conversation in her head. And a sinuous thought made its way through her. At the time, she had known that he was making sure she knew that all he could be to her was her doctor. And she agreed fully, as both a patient and a woman. Logically, she didn’t need a relationship on top of everything else. She did need a doctor. Someone who told her to take her vitamins, and made sure she and the baby were healthy.
But when she thought of his promise to her, sort of gently hinting in his soft voice, she stopped dead still in the middle of her kitchen. She’d all but told him that she wanted him as her doctor and nothing else. That she saw him as not a man, but as some kind of service. And it wasn’t strictly true. She fully acknowledged him as more, knew that their little outings could have a lot of different meanings. She wasn’t a complete idiot. But there was sick fear behind it. That he might be like her ex, that he didn’t want her and her baby, that he might want her only because she was a vulnerable thing to be looked after.
But all those dreams? How did she discard them? The ones she imagined him hugging her and holding on. Something she might have had if she had taken a risk. She shook her head briskly, shutting the refrigerator door harder than she meant to. She couldn’t allow herself to think of it. Maybe he was interested in her, maybe he found her attractive. Somehow. For some reason. But then how did she bring it up? So, Dr. Zhou, that day you said you wanted to ask me about something? Did you still want to date me? She was stupid to even wonder.
And yet it still wasn’t too late to change her mind, if that was what she wanted. Even if it was the stupidest thing she could ever think to do. She had time, at least, to think it through before she saw him again. Though he’d probably chastise her for worrying and putting stress on the baby. She buried herself in a book, and hoped that she came to a decision almost by magic. That was about as much wishful thinking as she could conjure.
She had an appointment with him in just a couple more weeks. She could try, at least. To see how he looked at her. Maybe. Maybe.
But she didn’t talk to him at the appointment. Didn’t get a chance to as he stared with the ultrasound technician at the monitor. She heard a few grunts as the wand got moved around her stomach. Did that mean something was wrong? Maybe something was really wrong. Her head started to ache as her chest tightened.
“Uh,” she said, fishing for anything nearby. She needed to sit up. Needed to figure out what was going on.
Zhou Mi took her hands, helping her when he saw her distress. He smiled, squeezing her fingers, and that smile lit his entire face and for a moment, took her breath as surely as the panic had.
“Congratulations,” he said, motioning at the monitor and then at her belly. “You’ve having a baby girl.”
***
Week 27 - April
***
He had seen Kyuhyun only once since she had found out that her baby would be a girl. The image he had taken away from that appointment had been her surprise as she’d held his hand, staring at the ultrasound. He thought, by the way she had laughed, fingers against her stomach in the next seconds that a girl was what she had secretly been hoping for. It was strange, for people, that this little being growing inside of them suddenly became a real thing when they knew how to define it. And he watched her walk from the office with ultrasound images in one hand, and a cell phone to her ear. Calling her mother, perhaps. Or a friend. As it should be.
He let his friends set him up on several dates.
And cursed himself that he found them to be pretty, nice, intelligent women. And he was interested in none of them.
“Dr. Zhou?”
He looked up from where he was cramming his lunch into his mouth. There was almost never a down moment, if he didn’t eat, he wouldn’t eat, and by the look on his nurse’s face, he was about to get moving really fast.
“One of your patients was just admitted into the emergency room, she almost fainted, and has some vaginal bleeding. Cho Kyuhyun?”
He was glad he had just swallowed, or he would have started to asphyxiate on the spot, coughing as the shock ran through him. “Is she in labor, or…?”
“I don’t think they know, sir. But we got an alert since she stated she was your patient.”
“Okay. I have 15 minutes until I have my next appointment. I’m going to run over there… If it’s nothing, I shouldn’t be very long.”
“You got it, sir.”
“I’ll text you and let you know!” he called back as he jogged out. But once in the corridor, he broke into a run. The building bordered the hospital, connected to it by a network of tunnels and long hallways. He’d run this route before on the way to a delivery. He knew he didn’t want to be running to a delivery now. At 27 weeks, Kyuhyun wasn’t far enough along. The baby’s chances… They were possible. But he knew better than most, that vaginal bleeding could mean anything. Spotting wasn’t uncommon, and the causes were varied. If it was just that, spotting, they could check her for infection or placenta problems. If it was a flow of blood, then the problem could be beyond their control.
“Cho Kyuhyun?” he asked the intake nurse, buzzing himself directly back into the emergency room.
She led him halfway, pointing out which curtain to go to.
What he expected, he didn’t know. But a sheet white, shaking Kyuhyun wasn’t that. Her face froze, trying not to crumple when she spotted him, and he reached for her hand.
She was freezing.
“Just one second. One second.”
He could call for warm blankets and wait, or he could get them himself. He pulled two, going back to her, spreading one blanket over her legs, and the other over her torso, tucking her arms beneath it.
“Shh. Shh, look at me. Breathe, okay? In through your nose, slowly. Slowly. That’s good. Now let it out. Good. Keep doing that.” He massaged her shoulder, watching her breathe. “Remember when we went up on that cliff? We could see forever. Trees. Sky. Could almost see to the beach, even. You couldn’t keep your hair out of your face, and we almost used my watch to tie it back.”
He saw the corners of her lips curl, just barely, still breathing as he instructed. Against his fingers, her pulse was slowing, her body relaxing from the grip of panic.
“Good. Good. Kyuhyun… Can you tell me what happened?”
“I was laying on the couch,” she said, her eyes closed, face tight. “And I got up to get a drink and I was so dizzy… I think I half passed out because the next thing I knew I was on my knees. I thought I was okay… Maybe I just stood up too fast. But after I got my drink, I went into the bathroom, there was blood. I called a taxi, and had them call you.”
Her eyes were painfully dark, scared, wanting him to tell her that she’d done the right thing.
“That’s good. Getting checked out is the right thing for you and the baby. How much blood, Kyuhyun? Just a few little spots? Pink? Red?”
“Not bright red. More of a smear? More than I’d seen, though.”
“Okay. I’m going to take a look right now, okay? See if your cervix is doing something it shouldn’t be. If that’s okay, we’ll do an ultrasound, and take a look at your placenta. That it wasn’t super fresh, and that there wasn’t a lot meant that falling didn’t do it, okay?” He juggled her elbow. “We’ll take care of you. Just keep breathing.”
He tried to keep her engaged as he checked her, looking at her chart for her blood pressure, temperature. They’d taken blood and urine, run standard tests. Anything he’d want done if it was his wife, his child. To his relief, her cervix seemed normal. No dilating to indicate premature labor. It was one line crossed out on the things to worry about that was encouraging to him.
“How are you feeling now?” he asked her, squeezing her hand when he came back in with another warm blanket.
“Better.”
“Good. I have to get back and see patients. They’re going to take you to ultrasound in a little bit, and get you some food, some fluids. I think that’s why you almost passed out, because your tank’s a little less than full. They’re going to keep you and let you rest. But wait for me, okay? I’ll come get you, and give you a beating for making me worry, okay?”
She smiled at his smile, and he was pleased to see how much better her color looked.
“If you need me, have them call me, okay?” he said.
She nodded. “Thank you,” she said, hugging the warm blanket to her chest.
He waggled his fingers, letting the curtain fall back, and finding the nurse he’d spoken to on the way in. “Call if anything changes?”
“Will do, Doctor,” the nurse said, buzzing him out of the entrance.
He was only about 30 minutes late, which wasn’t bad, considering. And one of his appointments had cancelled, so he did eventually catch up, with apologies and smiles. He was able to put Kyuhyun from his mind, knowing she wasn’t far away, being taken good care of. He’d take her home, feed her. And they would see. He’d put off a lot of things, but they would see.
***
Author: Coley Merrin
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Zhou Mi/Girl!Kyuhyun
Warning: Girl!Kyu, babies, medical stuff relating to pregnancy and babies, etc.
Summary: First came love, then came...an ultrasound? Somehow the order of those events got mixed up, and when she thought no one was there for her - someone was.
Warning: Girl!Kyu, babies, medical stuff relating to pregnancy and babies, etc.
***
Chapter One * Chapter Two * Chapter Three
***
15 weeks - January
***
Fifteen weeks, said her pregnancy book, was not quite even halfway through the expected pregnancy. She could count on one hand the number of people who knew she was pregnant. Two of those were doctors, and the rest were staff in the doctor’s offices. She went through most days actively attempting to pretend that nothing was wrong with her. That everyone was just joking with her. It was easy to forget some days, just getting up, going to work, doing what she had to. Shopping, cooking. If she looked at her body just right, she almost couldn’t tell. Her pants were a little tighter, though she didn’t look like she was super pregnant. She supposed she ought to be thankful for that. Something to be thankful for.
She was a lot less nauseated than she had been before, so she felt even better, if not a lot more tired. She passed out earlier, was hungry almost constantly. Worked herself towards understanding, or acceptance, or whatever it was that she was planning to feel inside eventually.
In the bad moments, she stared at Zhou Mi’s, Dr. Zhou’s, number in her phone. They hadn’t spoken, contacted each other since the second time they had met for soup. She had bought it for him, as she’d promised, evening them. He’d seemed glad that she was doing well. She’d even made some kind of mention that she intended to tell her friends and that she was feeling very well. To keep the conversation going, he had told her about where he had grown up in China, that his family had moved when he was still young. His hands moved naturally, fluidly, as he talked, and no matter how hard she sat on it, she saw what she had been unwilling to before. The strength of his jaw, the solidness of his fingers. His possibly too-wide but still appealing mouth, his straight nose and dark eyes. The sum of his features were not even, but together, as his mouth quirked and he laughed, almost rocking in his seat, she felt a flutter that she’d been pretty positive was illegal in Cho Kyuhyun land. She didn’t need to find her doctor appealing, as a man, not on any level. She was in the trouble she was in because of a man, she reminded herself vehemently. And it didn’t matter how many teeth he showed when he smiled, or how bizarrely peppy his ring tone was, Dr. Zhou was still a man.
He’d left after his pager had gone off with the promise that she could contact him if she needed to, or to call the office. Somehow while she’d been distracted admiring his face, she’d satisfied him that she wasn’t quite as much without an anchor as she’d begun. Of course, that had only partially been true. There had been intentions to tell her friends, and then to use that as a jumping off point to tell her family. But every time she imagined it, she ended up frustrated as she imagined all the ways it could go wrong, and then she had some of her secret chocolate stash and put it off another day.
What man would want her, knowing she was single with another man’s child? Rationally she knew even women with children married or remarried. But it wasn’t like she always thought about it rationally. It was entirely possible she was different than all of them, that she’d have to move to where her parents were. But then she started to breathe again. She could only do one thing at a time. She remembered the one hug Zhou Mi had given her, and let herself indulge in fantasies. She didn’t even know the man, besides the fact that he seemed like a nice person and a good doctor. But he was, and beyond all her temporary blindness, a good looking man. So if she allowed herself to dream of the only man who seemed to accept her situation, almost the only one who knew, then it didn’t hurt. But it was hard not to imagine him looking at her, finding her desirable. That he would want her despite the baby.
Any lingering illusions she had that becoming an adult meant having all the answers were rapidly fading.
But she had passed weeks that way, somehow.
***
Any normal lunch meeting with her group of friends was an event greeted with happiness. Ryeowook, who consistently looked like she was a mannequin come to grace them with some kind of real-life perfection. Eunhyuk, who even running late with her hair stuffed under some cap that should’ve been ridiculous but wasn’t, and who came creeping in sheepishly with a smile. She’d gone to college with most of them, but their jobs and lives kept them from meeting as often as they liked. No more meetings in the library and discussing the cute guy who happened to be sitting ahead of one of them in class, or how evil their professors were. It had been quite a few years since even the last one had graduated. Five years, for her. The circles of friends they had were different, but they still met. It was the closest relationship to any women that she had, really.
She nearly didn’t go at all, wondering if they’d see, if they’d somehow know. That she went at all, spoke to her trust them. That they wouldn’t shun her. To walk the line between expecting them to freak out, or lecture, or help and empathize. She was doing enough lecturing of herself to be able to handle much from outside sources.
But she saw their faces, and she was the next to last one to arrive, and felt better. Eunhyuk, Ryeowook on either side of her. No one asked if she’d gained weight. Maybe she wouldn’t just tell them in the middle of the restaurant. Maybe she’d wait, find some other kind of way to tell them. Maybe not all together. Ryeowook all but leaned against her as everyone chatted, and it calmed her. Maybe she looked more tense than she realized if Ryeowook was trying to comfort her.
It was easy to joke about her job, her boss. Something normal, defined and understood. Donghae was hoping for a proposal, Eunhyuk with the glow of just starting to date. Ryeowook content in her relationship of several years. So many hopes and dreams for all of them. They’d all been hurt in different ways, different times. She envied them, and put her chin up higher.
Her head turned as she heard a question being directed her way.
“Have you heard anything after the wedding, or…”
There were a few shifty looks as that question spun out. It was obvious who the question was about. If she’d heard from her ex, about his wedding, his new wife. When she’d cried after he’d broken up with her, they’d all cautioned her not to contact him or allow him to contact her. That he might try to use her in some way if he thought she wanted anything to do with him.
“No, of course I haven’t heard from him,” she got out. None of them knew. None of them. She gulped in a breath, Zhou Mi’s reassuring hand on hers swimming through her mind. “I’m pregnant.”
There was a collective hush, and she couldn’t look. Eyes on her half empty plate and trying to quell her rollicking stomach. There had to have been a better time, better place. Better way. Preparing them somehow. Tears prickled and she blinked them away as an arm came around her shoulders.
“His baby?”
She nodded fiercely, and got a surprise curse from her left side.
“And he married that other… Then what can you do? You haven’t told him? Your family?”
“And you’ve been broken up for months. Have you seen a doctor?”
She answered as best she could, knowing the questions would keep coming. That she had told no one, that she’d seen a doctor. There was concern, confusion. A little frustration when she admitted how long she’d known and hadn’t told them.
“What are you going to do?” one of them asked, looking as confused as she felt.
She shook her head, almost laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. “Have a baby.”
They bought her dessert, and talked. Tossing out ideas for after the baby was born, or thinking of men she could meet. That was met with a little less enthusiasm. They tried their best to understand, and she appreciated that. Mostly it turned into a planning session on how to tell her parents. She was an adult, capable woman, and it scared her to her core. It wasn’t like she’d grown up imagining just how she’d tell her parents the most unexpected news of her life. But she knew, as did they, that she had to tell her parents And putting it off only made it harder.
She felt as though she was nearly breaking Ryeowook’s hand as she listened to the phone ringing.
She gulped in a deep breath, and fought to keep her voice steady at the familiar voice over the line. “Mama?”
***
Week 16 - February
***
If she was grateful for anything, it was that her second appointment with Zhou Mi, and his given name sounded so much less stuffy in her head, went better. She hadn’t felt the need to run away or faint, and she’d gotten a welcoming smile from him as they’d passed in the hallway when she was on her way to the exam room. She blew out a breath as they breezed through the appointment, everything seeming to be well. He turned on his rolling stool and just considered her a moment.
“You seem to be doing really well physically, and you’re looking well. How are you?”
“Good,” she said softly, wondering how much time they had. Not enough. She wanted him to calm her even further, and didn’t know how that was possible. “I told my friends. And my parents.”
He nodded, encouraging her to continue. “And how did they take it?”
“My friends took it better. My parents were…upset? Concerned. Disappointed. I don’t know. We had to hang up so they could talk, before they called me back. But a couple of my friends were with me, so they kept me from freaking out. It was horrible, but at least I don’t have to do it again.”
He nodded, his whole focus on her. “That’s true. I’m glad you had someone with you. You’re healthy, the baby is healthy. There’s a lot to be thankful for.”
“I really wanted to thank you,” she blurted, unsure of where it had even come from. “I went over our conversations a lot when I just felt crazy, and I kept putting things off. You treated me like I was a person, and not some kind of walking mistake, and I never forgot that. So thank you.”
He smiled, and took her hand. Not dwarfing hers so much as gently holding.
“I’m glad I helped at all. You’re not the first woman in your situation that I’ve seen, and you definitely won’t be the last. To some, it’s a worse occurrence than others. There are those events, happenings, in life that are unalterable, terrible, life changing in the worst of ways. That’s the last thing I want you to feel like you’re going through.”
It was like he was trying to hand her right to accept everything. She closed her eyes, imagined the months stretching out in front of her. When the appointment was over, they’d schedule another one. And that knowledge comforted her.
“I wanted-”
A quiet knock on the door interrupted her, and he stood easily, opening it to speak to his nurse.
He turned back to her, smiling. “I have to go. I’ll text you, okay?”
She smiled back, thanking him. It wasn’t the white jacket, or his dark glasses, or his official title. It was his demeanor, and his gentle hands. He, quite conscientiously, rolled the stool out of her way, and waved again. And once again, left her feeling secure.
***
True to his word, Zhou Mi sent Kyuhyun a text. It made sense to meet at the same place they had before. Maybe he wouldn’t have, if he hadn’t been needed urgently, if she’d been able to finish what she’d wanted to tell him during her appointment. At least, that was the excuse he was giving himself for the moment. He was starting to get a certain feeling that he wasn’t sure what to think of. Or really, it was a feeling he hadn’t let himself consider the past few days at all.
The moment she stepped into the restaurant, he realized again the line he walked. Not professionally, but personally. Watching her unwind her scarf as she let the door close, her smile as her hair fell over her shoulder. Seventeen weeks pregnant, and she looked amazing. That glow that some women got was definitely in effect. And without the use of mascara, eyeliners, or even much makeup that he could tell, she was beautiful. It wasn’t like he lived in a cave. He saw beautiful women enough, but there was something about this one that drew him. If his boss knew about their meetings, he would probably lecture Zhou Mi long and hard about propriety. There was no law that people could not be friends with their doctors, but the simple fact that he was a man and she a woman immediately would make some people misunderstand. He watched her, trying to be subtle, as she told the waitress what she wanted. Probably more herself than he’d ever seen her, joking with him, lifted from some of the worries and secrets she had held. Until he figured out what he needed to do, he figured the lecture would be worth it.
***
Week 18 - February
***
He lasted almost two weeks before contacting her again, asking her to meet him.
And that wait was only because he had five deliveries, and was on call part of that time. It was hard to think of possible relationships and problems when he was coaching a woman to push. He certainly wouldn’t have wanted anyone working on him while distracted. He put it as cheerfully out of his mind as he could.
And when a friend texted him to know if he wanted to meet a girl he thought would be good for Zhou Mi, he immediately thought of Kyuhyun.
He drummed his forehead with his palms
Should he do the smart thing? Was there a smart thing? Here was this girl, woman, he amended. Smart, attractive. As much his type as he had seen after getting to know her a little better.
He knew there was a little baggage. He wasn’t counting that out. There was the idiot ex-boyfriend who had been two-timing her. That didn’t exactly just disappear from her psyche. But it was something she could work through. She would have loved the guy, would have expected that he would do the right thing if what had happened, happened. But he hadn’t.
And there was the baby. That was definitely the bigger of the two. That had him asking himself a few questions. If they started dating, if it got serious, the baby would always be there. He loved kids. He wanted kids, very much. It was one of the things he loved most about his job, being able to bring the tiny, strong and fragile creatures into the world. So it wasn’t that he didn’t want kids. The baby wouldn’t be his. And he hated himself that he even considered it, but he felt he had to. Now, before he got into any sort of relationship with her. Being sure that some kind of weird feelings didn’t pop up. He thought he was a person who wouldn’t care, that a child in need of love would be his child no matter what.
He had to be honest with himself, or risk hurting all of them. The child was an innocent, to whatever deeds had been done. And if he came to love Kyuhyun, to see her love the child she carried, to hold her hand when they learned if there was to be a boy or girl… He felt he could love the child. If he couldn’t, he wasn’t sure what he would make of himself afterward. And in a few years, perhaps another child. Biologically his, but also loved. Him, Kyuhyun. The child he would give his name, and the child he would give his blood. And all of them his heart. He could see it, too well. He’d been waiting for it.
His mother’s subtle pushes, and some not so subtle. Would they accept Kyuhyun? The baby? Even if he told them what had happened, what the baby’s father had done to her. They would be wary, of course. Who was this woman, and who was she to their son. He understood that. He understood it might not be easy, but if it came to that, he would find a way. It wasn’t as though, by asking her if she was interested in him that he was guaranteeing that they would marry. And he was not a good planner by nature. But he did have some blind faith that things would work out. And he would be able to do what they needed. If she wanted him. To have a wife, a child. To slide a ring on her finger, and know there was someone beside him.
His career was finally stable. There was no better time, really. But it was more than timing, and he thought it would be more just than lust.
He parked, hopping out to get the car door for her since she all but appeared out of nowhere, waiting for him. Dressed warmly, he saw, approving, since the February air was still very cool. And he grinned, getting the door shut as she got settled in the seat. He hustled around to his side of the car before he got into trouble for parking where he shouldn’t be.
“Good day so far?” he asked, clicking his belt closed, and waiting for her to do the same before merging into traffic.
“I’m thanking every morning that I don’t wake up nauseous,” she said, laughing, and he kept himself from looking over at her.
“And you’ve been doing okay since I saw you last?”
“Yes, Dr. Zhou. Sometimes I think I feel the baby moving, but I look on the Internet and I don’t know if I’m supposed to be able to tell?”
“Some can really early, and some can’t. Some women who’ve been pregnant before start to recognize it earlier. But you’re almost eighteen weeks or so? You know your body better than the Internet does.”
“True.” She paused significantly for a moment. “I hope you don’t think I’m asking you because I want to get out of going in for another appointment.”
“As long as you don’t ask me to get out my stethoscope,” he teased, turning so that the car was heading up into the hills. “Don’t worry. I’m happy to answer your questions. You’re thinking about you and your baby.”
“Are we going to the lookout?” she asked, leaning forward to peer out the window.
“Yeah. I thought it might be nice to get out of the city a little ways,” he said.
He’d brought some fruit, thinking they could have a little picnic, even in the car if the weather wasn’t cooperating. Potentially a little too cold, but he’d make due. Getting away with her was the one thing he really wanted.
“You mentioned that you’d told everyone. Did you want to talk about it any further?” he offered as he parked.
“I did tell everyone,” she said softly. “Everyone was together, so there were all the different reactions. It ended up being kind of good, because the ones who understood, helped everyone sort of calm down.”
He waited a moment, staring at her. “And?”
“There was concern. None of them want to see me lose my job, or… They were angry. At him. And that I didn’t do as much as I should have. Maybe I’ll be some kind of lesson to them. Know better when it comes to men.”
“But no one got upset with you?”
“Not like I worried about. We talked a long time.”
“I’m glad,” he said softly. “It’s good for you to be able to have someone to lean on.”
There was that small possibility that he would be one of those people for her.
They walked to take in the view, and he all but grafted his fingers onto the ledge. His only question really surrounded on whether she saw him as a man, or just her doctor. And that answer really decided everything.
“I know you said you had something you wanted to ask me about,” she said, leaning beside him. “But I really wanted to thank you again. With everything that’s gone on the last few weeks, I’ve really realized how much it means to me to have someone I can trust and rely on. As my doctor, you’ll be the one who delivers the baby, yes?”
“Of course,” he said, nodding at her. “There are obviously unforeseen issues sometimes, but in any normal situation, I would be there with you.”
“Good. When I think ahead to when the baby is born, and most days I can’t imagine that day ever getting here, I just really, really want you there. So don’t take any vacations or anything, okay?”
Her words were so teasing, but so serious.
“Of course I’ll be there for you,” he said, sort of hedging his words. There were so many ways he could be there for her.
“The thought of having to rely on any other doctor makes my stomach turn,” she admitted. “I’ve had panic attacks thinking of what could happen. So thank you. I just really wanted to be sure.”
“You won’t be alone,” he assured her. It was his cue to let what he had brought her to talk about drop, but he couldn’t. If he could assure her that he could be there, even in an unofficial capacity? He could still even deliver the baby. Some fathers did, and it wasn’t as though there was any law against it. "If me being your doctor is what is most important to you right now, then that's what I'll be. That’s all I can be."
"Yes," she said, looking down. "I think that might be best."
“Then I will be the one thing you can look to and depend on,” he told her. Eighteen weeks, almost halfway through her pregnancy. He caught his sinking heart and poked it back into place. It had been a wish, that was all. And the one thing he was guaranteed of was time. That he was someone she trusted was far more than many men had ever had.
***
It was not until after Zhou Mi had left her back at her apartment with a small bag of food he had taken with them that she really replayed their conversation in her head. And a sinuous thought made its way through her. At the time, she had known that he was making sure she knew that all he could be to her was her doctor. And she agreed fully, as both a patient and a woman. Logically, she didn’t need a relationship on top of everything else. She did need a doctor. Someone who told her to take her vitamins, and made sure she and the baby were healthy.
But when she thought of his promise to her, sort of gently hinting in his soft voice, she stopped dead still in the middle of her kitchen. She’d all but told him that she wanted him as her doctor and nothing else. That she saw him as not a man, but as some kind of service. And it wasn’t strictly true. She fully acknowledged him as more, knew that their little outings could have a lot of different meanings. She wasn’t a complete idiot. But there was sick fear behind it. That he might be like her ex, that he didn’t want her and her baby, that he might want her only because she was a vulnerable thing to be looked after.
But all those dreams? How did she discard them? The ones she imagined him hugging her and holding on. Something she might have had if she had taken a risk. She shook her head briskly, shutting the refrigerator door harder than she meant to. She couldn’t allow herself to think of it. Maybe he was interested in her, maybe he found her attractive. Somehow. For some reason. But then how did she bring it up? So, Dr. Zhou, that day you said you wanted to ask me about something? Did you still want to date me? She was stupid to even wonder.
And yet it still wasn’t too late to change her mind, if that was what she wanted. Even if it was the stupidest thing she could ever think to do. She had time, at least, to think it through before she saw him again. Though he’d probably chastise her for worrying and putting stress on the baby. She buried herself in a book, and hoped that she came to a decision almost by magic. That was about as much wishful thinking as she could conjure.
She had an appointment with him in just a couple more weeks. She could try, at least. To see how he looked at her. Maybe. Maybe.
But she didn’t talk to him at the appointment. Didn’t get a chance to as he stared with the ultrasound technician at the monitor. She heard a few grunts as the wand got moved around her stomach. Did that mean something was wrong? Maybe something was really wrong. Her head started to ache as her chest tightened.
“Uh,” she said, fishing for anything nearby. She needed to sit up. Needed to figure out what was going on.
Zhou Mi took her hands, helping her when he saw her distress. He smiled, squeezing her fingers, and that smile lit his entire face and for a moment, took her breath as surely as the panic had.
“Congratulations,” he said, motioning at the monitor and then at her belly. “You’ve having a baby girl.”
***
Week 27 - April
***
He had seen Kyuhyun only once since she had found out that her baby would be a girl. The image he had taken away from that appointment had been her surprise as she’d held his hand, staring at the ultrasound. He thought, by the way she had laughed, fingers against her stomach in the next seconds that a girl was what she had secretly been hoping for. It was strange, for people, that this little being growing inside of them suddenly became a real thing when they knew how to define it. And he watched her walk from the office with ultrasound images in one hand, and a cell phone to her ear. Calling her mother, perhaps. Or a friend. As it should be.
He let his friends set him up on several dates.
And cursed himself that he found them to be pretty, nice, intelligent women. And he was interested in none of them.
“Dr. Zhou?”
He looked up from where he was cramming his lunch into his mouth. There was almost never a down moment, if he didn’t eat, he wouldn’t eat, and by the look on his nurse’s face, he was about to get moving really fast.
“One of your patients was just admitted into the emergency room, she almost fainted, and has some vaginal bleeding. Cho Kyuhyun?”
He was glad he had just swallowed, or he would have started to asphyxiate on the spot, coughing as the shock ran through him. “Is she in labor, or…?”
“I don’t think they know, sir. But we got an alert since she stated she was your patient.”
“Okay. I have 15 minutes until I have my next appointment. I’m going to run over there… If it’s nothing, I shouldn’t be very long.”
“You got it, sir.”
“I’ll text you and let you know!” he called back as he jogged out. But once in the corridor, he broke into a run. The building bordered the hospital, connected to it by a network of tunnels and long hallways. He’d run this route before on the way to a delivery. He knew he didn’t want to be running to a delivery now. At 27 weeks, Kyuhyun wasn’t far enough along. The baby’s chances… They were possible. But he knew better than most, that vaginal bleeding could mean anything. Spotting wasn’t uncommon, and the causes were varied. If it was just that, spotting, they could check her for infection or placenta problems. If it was a flow of blood, then the problem could be beyond their control.
“Cho Kyuhyun?” he asked the intake nurse, buzzing himself directly back into the emergency room.
She led him halfway, pointing out which curtain to go to.
What he expected, he didn’t know. But a sheet white, shaking Kyuhyun wasn’t that. Her face froze, trying not to crumple when she spotted him, and he reached for her hand.
She was freezing.
“Just one second. One second.”
He could call for warm blankets and wait, or he could get them himself. He pulled two, going back to her, spreading one blanket over her legs, and the other over her torso, tucking her arms beneath it.
“Shh. Shh, look at me. Breathe, okay? In through your nose, slowly. Slowly. That’s good. Now let it out. Good. Keep doing that.” He massaged her shoulder, watching her breathe. “Remember when we went up on that cliff? We could see forever. Trees. Sky. Could almost see to the beach, even. You couldn’t keep your hair out of your face, and we almost used my watch to tie it back.”
He saw the corners of her lips curl, just barely, still breathing as he instructed. Against his fingers, her pulse was slowing, her body relaxing from the grip of panic.
“Good. Good. Kyuhyun… Can you tell me what happened?”
“I was laying on the couch,” she said, her eyes closed, face tight. “And I got up to get a drink and I was so dizzy… I think I half passed out because the next thing I knew I was on my knees. I thought I was okay… Maybe I just stood up too fast. But after I got my drink, I went into the bathroom, there was blood. I called a taxi, and had them call you.”
Her eyes were painfully dark, scared, wanting him to tell her that she’d done the right thing.
“That’s good. Getting checked out is the right thing for you and the baby. How much blood, Kyuhyun? Just a few little spots? Pink? Red?”
“Not bright red. More of a smear? More than I’d seen, though.”
“Okay. I’m going to take a look right now, okay? See if your cervix is doing something it shouldn’t be. If that’s okay, we’ll do an ultrasound, and take a look at your placenta. That it wasn’t super fresh, and that there wasn’t a lot meant that falling didn’t do it, okay?” He juggled her elbow. “We’ll take care of you. Just keep breathing.”
He tried to keep her engaged as he checked her, looking at her chart for her blood pressure, temperature. They’d taken blood and urine, run standard tests. Anything he’d want done if it was his wife, his child. To his relief, her cervix seemed normal. No dilating to indicate premature labor. It was one line crossed out on the things to worry about that was encouraging to him.
“How are you feeling now?” he asked her, squeezing her hand when he came back in with another warm blanket.
“Better.”
“Good. I have to get back and see patients. They’re going to take you to ultrasound in a little bit, and get you some food, some fluids. I think that’s why you almost passed out, because your tank’s a little less than full. They’re going to keep you and let you rest. But wait for me, okay? I’ll come get you, and give you a beating for making me worry, okay?”
She smiled at his smile, and he was pleased to see how much better her color looked.
“If you need me, have them call me, okay?” he said.
She nodded. “Thank you,” she said, hugging the warm blanket to her chest.
He waggled his fingers, letting the curtain fall back, and finding the nurse he’d spoken to on the way in. “Call if anything changes?”
“Will do, Doctor,” the nurse said, buzzing him out of the entrance.
He was only about 30 minutes late, which wasn’t bad, considering. And one of his appointments had cancelled, so he did eventually catch up, with apologies and smiles. He was able to put Kyuhyun from his mind, knowing she wasn’t far away, being taken good care of. He’d take her home, feed her. And they would see. He’d put off a lot of things, but they would see.
***