[Fic] Someone Like You - 6/11
Title: Someone Like You
Author: Coley Merrin
Rating: R
Pairings: Henry/Donghae (with Tablo/Eunhyuk)
Genre: AU. Angst. Romance.
Summary: Five years ago, Donghae failed to escape his Uncle Lee's crime organization and disappeared from Henry's life. But when Donghae has to kidnap Henry to keep him safe, it is still Uncle Lee that stands in the way of them ever having a normal life.
This is a follow up to For Always (QMi, SiHan, HenHae). One can be read without the other, but it does include more detail of the HenHae background and story. :)
***
Chapter One ** Chapter Two ** Chapter Three ** Chapter Four ** Chapter Five ** Chapter Six ** Chapter Seven
***
Eunhyuk hadn’t had the benefit of someone in his bed like Donghae had. He’d been there, too, heard the report of the gun, saw the blood. It made him ill, literally, once they’d been out of danger, out of the moment. And to his disgruntlement, Tablo had taken it on himself to be some kind of sentinel, rarely more than a few feet away as they dealt with the aftermath. It had been Tablo who dropped off him and Donghae at the house. Tablo holding him back in the front seat a moment to ask him a hushed, “Are you all right?”
“Yeah,” he’d answered, tugging his arm away and trying not to think about those hands pinning him against the wall as he was kissed.
But still, he’d slept. He was the first one up, that much wasn’t unusual. Donghae would sleep away half the day if given the opportunity. And when he’d looked in, seen Donghae wrapped in Henry, he’d turned away, closing the door behind him. Donghae had wanted that a long time, he knew that. And he couldn’t really say that he’d wanted it too long. He was a guy, so sure, he had fantasies. But he could still be a little envious.
And he also was a little faint when the door opened and Tablo, the direct object of his envy, walked in.
“Don’t scare me like that,” he hissed.
“I’ve been in and out twice already,” Tablo said, sounding amused. “I brought breakfast. Donghae up?”
“No, and I wouldn’t suggest trying to wake him.”
“Ohh,” Tablo made a knowing sound.
“Not because of that,” he corrected primly, checking out the containers of food that Tablo had set out.
“Have you checked out what’s going around the net because of the shooting?”
“Not yet. I can now.”
They had a special computer for such research, routed and rerouted so that no one would be able to trace their activity. The shooting would have been low key, not taking up a lot of news space, but it was the way it was reported, the comments it garnered that was important. Little things that could be played, information that wasn’t supposed to be out there, that made people in the organization start asking questions. He never, ever, wanted someone to die, and certainly not in front of him. But if they had to exploit that to make sure that it never happened in this organization again, then it was what they had to do.
Unfortunately, he wasn’t the only one who walked to the computer, Tablo pulling up a chair and leaning in right behind him.
“Do you have to be touching me while we do this?” Eunhyuk asked, contracting his shoulder as though that would make Tablo’s hand slide off of it.
“Sure helps me to think better,” Tablo said, face calm as though he had just announced an unsurprising bit of weather. “Click there.”
The information that they were looking up had been carefully planted. Unrest in the organization was only one strategy they were employing in order to bring about its end. The small movement of allegiances among the top five or six trusted officials, and especially some dissent against Uncle Lee, meant that even if there were no fights or coups right at that moment, those feelings and information could be used in interrogation down the line.
Tablo made a sound of contentment when they found that the news had spread as they had hoped. And that was when Eunhyuk realized that he had gotten a lot, a whole lot, closer during their research session. In fact, there was an arm around his shoulders that did not belong there at all.
“Let me go.”
No matter how he moved away, twisted, he couldn’t make that warm breath move off of his neck.
Tablo made a strange noise in his throat, almost a grunt but not quite. “What you’re doing isn’t a good way to make me, Hyukjae.”
“Wha-what...?”
“Arch your neck a little farther and you’ll find out,” Tablo said softly.
The tips of their noses nearly brushed as he whipped his head around, staring wide eyed. At least for the second it took for him to shy his head down, shuddering when he realized that Tablo was nudging close, eyes fixed on him.
“Donghae and Henry will be up soon,” he said, mumbled more or less.
He didn’t know if he imagined the lips on his cheek but Tablo did as he had asked and let him go, standing.
“Uncle Lee is going to want to see everyone at the house this morning. When Donghae gets up, we should head over. Henry, too.”
Cheeky fingers chucked him beneath his chin and he sat with a mixture of relief and sort of longing. Tablo hadn’t kissed him since that night. He thought, probably, they’d come pretty close right then. And he was relieved they hadn’t, sort of. But he didn’t see how he could be any redder, even if they had.
***
Donghae had been belligerent, unwilling to consider the idea that all of them had to go to see Uncle Lee. And when he’d gone to argue with Tablo, Eunhyuk had been responsible for shoving Henry out of bed since Donghae wouldn’t do it himself. And Henry had looked disoriented that he was A. Waking alone, and B. Being woken by Eunhyuk.
“Get up. Uncle Lee wants to see us all. You, too.”
There had been fear in Henry’s eyes, and it was normal, and right. He should be afraid. That was all any of them had right now. Fear and hope and no little amount of despair that dried like the blood spattered on his shoes. Donghae had only been a few feet away from the dead man when he was shot, and it was all to clear to both of them that it could be one of them next time. Or the time after that. He knew it bothered Donghae. Donghae, who had confessed that he had told Henry he was sorry before he left, just in case something had happened to him.
And there wasn’t time enough to process it all. Because when Uncle Lee summoned, they went. That was all there was to it.
Uncle Lee wasn’t yet at the house that they used on and off for their gathering place, but they had to pretend all the same.
“Massage my feet,” Tablo said, collapsing across the couch cushions and nudging Eunhyuk’s thigh.
Eunhyuk stared.
“What?”
“You’re supposed to...”
“I don’t think that was part of our agreement.”
He could hear Donghae chuckling from the other couch, Henry tucked beneath his arm and rather blank faced about it as well. It was ironic, after lobbying Donghae to do the right thing about Henry, that he and Henry ended up in the same position: the apparent pets of social sadists.
Okay that wasn’t a very charitable thought about his best friend, but the man playing footsie with his thigh absolutely qualified.
It was probably a good thing that Donghae wasn’t seeing the way Henry looked at him. Concern and wistfulness both. They were sitting together like they were close, but the four of them knew better.
Still as he tried to shove Tablo’s feet off of him, he had no idea what he was getting himself into as more people started filing in and taking an interest in their actions.
Tablo’s eyes were inscrutable as he rose, pulling Eunhyuk to his feet after him. He didn’t protest, much, knowing he shouldn’t. And he stayed quiet as his back met the wall, daring a glance up at the first interested, then bored expressions of the people littered through the room.
“What are you...”
“Shh,” Tablo admonished almost under his breath. “If you can’t react right, hide your face.”
React right? React right? What was the correct reaction to finding Tablo’s mouth attached to his neck, licking, biting, sucking, until his skin burned? Tablo’s chest was pressed to his, teasing with every breath.
What had he said? Something about his face? He couldn’t even remember how to hold his head up, moaning softly against Tablo’s shoulder.
He was going to regret that later, he knew it.
That and the fact that Tablo’s hands had just flew to his restless hips, hissing “stop it,” against his skin. What was one more humiliation?
When Tablo pulled back, his mouth was red and wet, as though he had been quite thoroughly kissed, and it was only divine intervention that kept Eunhyuk from licking his lips to imagine it.
“There. Marked my territory,” Tablo said, falling back on his bored tone. But his eyes said quite a lot else.
Eunhyuk raised a hand to his neck, cradling the smarting skin. “What...”
“We’ll deal with it at home, yeah?”
Tablo raised his eyebrows, adjusting his pants rather obviously as he turned to back to the seat he had abandoned.
Couldn’t there have been a nice, easy trapdoor when he needed one? It was all he could do to concentrate on the regrouping meeting knowing there was a bright mark on his neck and Tablo not far away. But even then, as he leaned back, barely touching Tablo’s shoulder, he could see how Donghae had adjusted his arm around Henry, just that much more protective and possessive. And as Uncle Lee spoke to them, demanding information of them, he saw the way Henry’s hand curled tighter into Donghae’s. For both of them, that made him glad. Of them, he was pretty sure Donghae was the only one who didn’t see how obvious it was that Henry loved him, and despite all of Donghae’s stupidity, kept falling further.
He shivered slightly as Tablo rubbed at his arm, warming him slightly, sliding down, behind him to hold his hip. It was all very subtle, even as Tablo answered some of Uncle Lee’s questions. Tablo, who was so serious now. And as he stared at that face, there were just so many things he wanted to know.
***
“Hyukjae.”
He felt himself twitch in the darkness, eyes blinking rapidly at blackness as his heart tripped rapidly.
For a second he almost relaxed, assuming he had woken from some kind of dream, or that Donghae had made some noise.
Until the bed shifted without his movement to help it. He lashed out blindly, without thought, arms, knees, and hands pinned him.
“Hyukjae, shhh.”
“Tab..?”
“Shhh!” Tablo laughed softly, his breath gusting against his face as he strained to see. “Weren’t you listening?”
“What are you doing?” he hissed, trying to move his arms out from Tablo’s hold. Tablo’s palms were hot on his wrists, and it was distracting and made him think just what other body parts were too close for comfort. “Let me go!”
“I kind of like you like this.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I called Donghae. He thought it might be a good idea if I stuck close. I’ll be bunking here for a while. One more set of eyes.”
Because of the shooting, Eunhyuk realized. Another guard.
“You’re staying here?”
“On the couch. Unless you’re offering?”
He could hear the humor in Tablo’s voice and it rattled him. “No!”
“Okay,” Tablo said, thumbs working at Eunhyuk’s wrists. “You ran away too quickly when I kissed you last time. And after that scene today, I thought we could catch up.”
“I was asleep.” That was absolutely Tablo’s knee against his thigh. “In the morning we can...”
He didn’t gasp or stutter, he simply froze as Tablo’s mouth grazed his. Kind of awkwardly and off center, but in the dark, who could blame him? And there wasn’t any mental debate as to what that was, because his brain was chanting, kisskisskiss.
“Yeah?” Tablo murmured. “What were you saying?”
“Uhhh.” That was a good question.
With a muffled groan, something that absolutely should have has send tingles over Eunhyuk’s skin and yet did anyway, Tablo stretched out on the bed beside him. He crossed his arms over his chest, pulling up his knees, as though that would protect him somehow from Tablo. Tablo, who had his chest pressed to his arms, head propped up as he stared at Eunhyuk.
“This is nice,” he said, teasing Eunhyuk’s elbow. “That was quite a scene we put on today.”
His still had a sore spot on his neck from that “scene.” He could still see the amusement in Donghae’s eyes when they sat back down, the edge of their hips together. Uncle Lee had gotten there even before the heat had left his face, trying to ignore the teasing fingers on his waist.
“Why are you always embarrassing me in front of people?” he asked before realized he was asking it. It was the one question on the forefront of his mind.
Tablo leaned in a little closer. “You know it’s not personal, right? I’m not doing it because I want to embarrass you, but it’s something I have to do sometimes. The way you react makes it fun to tease you here, but that crap we all do over there is an act for them.”
“You all over me is an act?”
Tablo laughed. “Okay, you got me. There’s no act in wanting that. I’ve been all over you right here and there isn’t even anyone to see.”
Which was good to hear in that it made his brain shoot out bursts of joy, but still embarrassing considering they were laying together in his bed.
“Donghae gave you blankets right?” he asked, trying to push away some of the jumping jacks his stomach was doing.
“Yeah, but I’m pretty sure your bed is more comfortable than the couch,” Tablo wheedled.
“Donghae would be worried if he didn’t see you out there in the morning.”
“I can’t say I’m really concerned about him.”
It was amazing that his skin wasn’t fizzling away, the way that Tablo was pressing his lips along his jaw. He wasn’t sure he knew how to move or breathe, with that, kisses on his chin. So close. So close, and stopping.
“Daniel?” he breathed.
And moaned as their mouths met, Tablo’s hand angling his face, wanting more contact, more. Not just the chaste kiss of earlier, faces bumping together, and no matter how much he pretended, he was kissing back, inviting. He felt as though he’d stepped into a hot bath, just feeling Tablo’s hand on his neck. What about Tablo’s mouth was not endlessly fascinating to him. The way their lips fit together, the way his moans felt, the way he caught every insecurity and turned it into want. Teasing, the flicker of a tongue, the soothing of a hand, until all he knew was that mouth and the taste of him.
Reality came crashing down on him when Tablo’s hand slid over his hip. And he panted, with a death grip on Tablo’s wrist. If Tablo touched him, he wasn’t even sure what he would do. Beg? All the tiny little fantasies of them naked in his bed, Tablo touching him, Tablo’s mouth on him, his on Tablo, weren’t helping. And he’d start picking the one he wanted most if they went any further.
Tablo seemed to sense his reluctance, blowing teasingly against his cheek. “Do I at least get a kiss goodnight?”
“Didn’t you just have one?” he asked, wondering where his brain had gone.
“That was some kind of kiss. C’mon. Kiss me this time.”
Even in the dark, he could see Tablo’s face. If he was trying to pretend he didn’t want it, there wasn’t any way he could willingly move to kiss him.
“Please,” Tablo cajoled.
It was just a kiss, he lectured. And closed his eyes and forged ahead.
They’d been close, so it wasn’t miraculous that he’d made it onto Tablo’s lips. He could tell Tablo was tempted to hold him there, but let the simple kiss stand on its own. He wanted to trace the tilting corners of Tablo’s lips, and didn’t even notice that his hand was being lifted until he acknowledged the fact that Tablo had just pressed a very soft kiss to his palm.
“Sleep well, Hyukjae.”
“Yeah,” he gusted out. Probably he should’ve said a thank you. Or maybe returned the good wish. All he did was stare like a paralyzed fish as Tablo stood, holding his breath as the other paused as though thinking, before heading to the door. He didn’t want Tablo in his bed, no, his rational brain agreed. But that didn’t stop him from wishing that he would turn around and come back.
***
Eunhyuk seemed antsy, making sure that Henry was out in the kitchen, in the living room almost the whole of the day. From when they helped each other fold up the sheet and blanket that Tablo had been using on the couch, to making lunch, and waiting for Donghae to get home.
Sitting with cookies and tea, Eunhyuk sort of rubbed at his face and stared across the table at Henry.
“How are you and Donghae?” he asked.
Henry blinked. How were they? Donghae had let him hold him a couple of night’s before, and had forgotten his birthday, and seemed to be avoiding him studiously since. But they weren’t trying to kill each other. So he supposed it could be worse.
“Fine, I guess.”
Considering that their moments had either been very good or fighting, maybe silence was a path to a better status quo between them. Angry wasn’t how he had come to spend his time with Donghae, and there had been too much of that between them already. Some of it was his fault, antagonizing, because any emotion out of Donghae seemed like a good emotion if it was directed toward him. But that wasn’t really proving to be the case, in the long run. He wasn’t in survival mode any more. He’d been with Donghae for weeks, had kissed him - once. He started to assume that because he’d been there as long as he had, that he’d be staying. And staying, he wanted things to improve, and quickly.
But he couldn’t rush it. He’d waited five years for this. People didn’t learn to love or trust in days or weeks. Time, really, wasn’t a factor at all. It was what they both wanted and would allow. He couldn’t have guaranteed that he wouldn’t have slept with Donghae that first day if it had been offered. But between them, that alone was too telling.
Eunhyuk tried to pry a little more, maybe intending to counsel, but Henry changed the topic, mentioning Tablo. Eunhyuk had turned an interesting shade of red and suggested that they waste some time playing games. No amount of gentle ribbing had gotten Eunhyuk to say anything more. They were sprawled with controllers in hand when Donghae finally got back. Henry felt a little like a turtle out of his shell, being out of the room, watching Donghae drop off his coat.
“Hey, come sit and play with us!” Eunhyuk called. “Have you eaten?”
“Yeah, I have,” Donghae said, plopping down on the other side of Eunhyuk. It wasn’t like he could sit beside Henry, because there wasn’t room. His elbow against the arm rest told him that. And yet… “What are you playing?”
“We’ll whup you at racing,” Eunhyuk promised.
It was nice, sitting and doing something mindless, laughing ridiculously as their cars spun out or crashed into a wall. Calling out challenges and threats. He even forgot that Eunhyuk was sitting between them, focusing on the screen and the controller in his hands, the vibration in it.
He whooped as his car crossed the finish line bare milliseconds ahead of Donghae’s, standing to do a little boogie. The smile was almost hurting his face as he sat back down, ready to rib Donghae over the victory.
But then he saw the flat expression in Donghae’s eyes.
His breath caught, the smile fading.
“You got caught up in the last turn, idiot,” Donghae said, punching Eunhyuk in the side. “Now you know why I don’t let you drive.”
“I drive perfectly fine in real life!” Eunhyuk protested.
There, that right there, that grin Donghae sent at Eunhyuk, that was the most painful thing he thought that Donghae could do to him. The ignoring wasn’t the worst part, or the coldness. He saw those as defensive tactics, just as they were for him. He knew Donghae better than that, that he would treat anyone that way. But to see him like this, easy, joking, close, to Eunhyuk. He could see their friendship, their familiarity. So if he recognized Donghae being defensive, he also recognized his own jealousy. Donghae should’ve been smiling at him like that, touching him without thinking about it, enjoying his company. He was so stupid. Stupid hoping for it, stupid expecting it. It was that sick feeling that shamed him, that screamed that what he wanted wasn’t ever going to be possible. Not with Donghae.
He pushed himself to his feet, untangling his ankle from the cord.
“Going to bed,” he mumbled, and shut the door behind him.
***
“You’re so stupid,” Eunhyuk hissed. “Go after him!”
“Why? It’s obvious he doesn’t want to spend time with us.”
Donghae was trying to block out that look of hurt that Henry had been trying to hide.
“Why would he when you look at him like he’s toxic ooze? Maybe you’re dumber than I thought.”
He stood, mostly because Eunhyuk was punching him repeatedly in the side and shoulder. Why had there been hurt in Henry’s face? Sure, he’d distracted himself with teasing Eunhyuk, but he’d thought they’d been having a pretty good time. At least until Henry had smiled at him. That smile had been so happy, and directed at him. He had made his eyes slide away from Henry’s face most days, and he had trained his memory to keep away images that seemed happy with him. It was like looking at the sun unexpected without protection. Blinding. Painful. Joyful. That niggle of hope that he refused to acknowledge. Everything he wanted with Henry was right there. Right there.
He knew how it made him feel to see Henry chattering with Eunhyuk. He knew it wasn’t anything more than that, chattering. But even if he was pushing Henry away, it hurt. He had told himself he was being selfless in giving Henry up before. Henry who had smiled and laughed at him like that before without provocation. Sometimes he wanted to hold him, be held. Or see that smile. Sometimes he wanted to hear words that, even if they weren’t possible or true, that he could at least shoot down. He didn’t want to open the door, but he did.
Henry had just thrown his shirt down onto the floor, a sign of frustration if he had ever seen one. It was an emotion that he had put in Henry. And the longer time went on, the more likely it was that it was that emotion, frustration, impatience, being sick and tired of Donghae, would stick. There would be no smiling Henry, or one that would even care. Just a man who’d wasted too much of his life on a possibly hopeless cause. Once upon a time he had told himself that he just wanted Henry to be able to let go without anger or regret. But the thought of it twisted him inside. He was scared to need again, and scared that one day there would be no one to need. He wanted more than that, for both of them.
But as he gripped Henry’s shoulder, turning him, raking his eyes up Henry’s stomach, his chest, his mouth…
Sometimes he just wanted.
It wasn’t as violent as their kiss on the bed. In fact, it wasn’t much of a kiss at all. Henry stood like a stone, despite Donghae’s arm behind his neck, around his shoulders. He dug his fingertips into the tender skin, and whatever thought Henry had been caught in, he was released. And it was like trying to grapple with a wild thing. Henry’s arms all but crushed his ribs, choking on need as Henry’s teeth grazed his lips. They crashed against the dresser, his side smarting, but it gave him the leverage to draw Henry in closer, feel the heat of him, chest to chest.
Want had never been a problem between them.
He had thought maybe after all that time it would have cooled. Henry would wonder why he ever wanted Donghae to begin with. Remembering that it had been Donghae that had pushed them into it. For a few blissful minutes, there were no barriers between them. Just the sounds they made, and the kiss, and their grasping arms. It was as though they almost became one person, one need.
At least until the first flash of heat cooled, and the kiss turned lazy. To where he could focus on the heat of Henry’s puffing breath, and the softness of that mouth, and the taste of him. It wasn’t supposed to be that way at all. He wasn’t supposed to want or or need that again. It was so much easier when it was just a distant memory, and not something he could tangibly feel and know. He could see himself ringing Henry’s face with his hands and pouring out everything he didn’t want to admit. That he’d been lonely and that he’d missed him, and that he still…
Henry fought him when their mouths parted. A soft little moan with parted lips and closed eyes. It was like leaning over the edge of a cliff and feeling the undeniable pull of gravity, those lips so close. He could slide his hands down to those restless hips and hold him still, and it would take little friction before they would be on the bed and doing things to each other that Donghae knew he would wake up and regret.
“We can’t…” Donghae whispered.
Henry’s eyes were dark. “But you want to.”
That he could give at least. Just that. “Yeah.”
He was prepared to fight Henry off when he saw the move toward him, prepared to make his body go stiff and uninviting. But then he felt Henry’s arms squeeze tight. A hug. Just a simple hug, but it roared through him with all the power of a jet engine in the little room.
“I want to be here for you,” Henry said, muffled in his shoulder.
“Henry, I don’t-”
“You think too much.”
He exhaled hard into Henry’s hair. “All I did was cause you misery.”
Henry shook his head, pressing lips to the skin of Donghae’s neck. He had to steel himself, to keep his knees from buckling. He wanted so badly to know that was real. To think that Henry saw even something redeemable in him. Because he didn’t. All he had was cynicism of too many years alone.
“It’s not like I’m perfect either,” Henry told him smartly.
But it still felt as though he soiled him. He tried to warm the skin of Henry’s back with his hand, or at least that was one excuse. Henry inhaled, pressing closer.
“We can’t keep picking at each other like this.”
“But I can’t risk-” Donghae made himself stop. Couldn’t risk what, wanting Henry again? Because he did. And if he wanted, and knew that he could have Henry if only he reached out and tried, well. He wasn’t a saint. He would take it.
“How much danger have I put you in, being here?” Henry asked, stroking Donghae’s back.
“Not much, I don’t think.” Not much yet. Uncle Lee had been almost a little softer lately. “Actually, the distraction of you might even be good.”
“Distracting them, maybe. But you? I didn’t want to put you in danger.”
“Too late to start thinking logically,” he murmured. “Believe me, I’d let you know if I had to get rid of you to save myself.”
“Get rid of me where?” Henry joked, playing with the hem of Donghae’s shirt.
“I know a nice spot to throw you into the ocean.”
It was only after he said it that the possible implications of it sank into him. He’d thrown Henry into the sea before, rolling with him in the water, laughing, kissing. Crying. This wasn’t how their life was supposed to have gone. They were supposed to be out there being stupid with each other. Maybe get some kind of big stupid dog and work out together and sex each other up as often as possible. Henry had wasted all that time on him.
“I’ll do it, after this is over,” Donghae said, and managed to pull himself away.
“I can only stay in the country so long?”
Henry, so naive. He almost laughed. “I can take care of extending your stay. Believe me, that’s no problem.”
“Legally?” Henry asked, a little doubtfully.
“Through official channels,” he said. “With a little cash to grease it if we have to. Believe me, you won’t get deported. Uncle Lee wouldn’t ever believe it if I let you go.”
Which kind of sounded like he was keeping Henry around just because he had to, but that wasn’t really true. That hadn’t been true for a long time. The smile on Henry’s face was tentative, searching for something Donghae wasn’t sure how to show. But his smile back was genuine, if small, as he imagined Henry being lovingly mauled by that big stupid dog. Problem was, he wanted to lick Henry all over, too.
He shook himself out of it before he took a step forward and reached. “Mind if I shower first?”
“Go ahead,” was the soft answer, with averted eyes. But the hurt had left that face, even if the flush in his cheeks hadn’t.
He felt better, safer, when he locked himself in the bathroom. Showering, getting ready for sleep. Taking precious time to relieve some of the tension flushing through him, the memory of Henry against him too fresh, too real. It felt too good to imagine that it was Henry’s hand. It didn’t stop him from having to avert his eyes when he came out to keep from watching Henry stand and disappear. To hear the shower turn on, imagine him washing, or touching himself. He growled, and turned onto his side. The bed was wide enough for them both, but facing Henry’s side of the bed, it seemed like he’d be laying even closer than he remembered.
The room was entirely dark when Henry came out of the bathroom and turned off the light. And for some reason, that made it more intimate than it had ever seemed. Henry had held him in this bed, held him as though he deserved to be held and comforted. When he’d been sick inside, and needing. Probably any person offering comfort at that moment, any person that he trusted, he’d have taken some of it. But even if after the shooting he had given the shuddering Eunhyuk a hug before heading inside, he would never have fallen asleep in Eunhyuk’s arms as he had with Henry. In just a tiny way, that made him believe in something that he had not even hoped.
He focused on breathing as the bed dipped slightly as Henry slid under the covers, got himself settled. The smartest thing to do was to pretend to be asleep. But his head was aching with a question.
“Henry?” he said softly, not wanting to startle him.
“Yes?”
“Do you regret…?” Finding him? Looking for him? Meeting him?
There was a moment of silence as the words spun out, but Henry answered, emphatic. “No.”
He did not care if Henry could see his smile in the dark. The answer was as good as a physical touch, and listening to Henry breathe, he slid deeply into sleep.
***
Author: Coley Merrin
Rating: R
Pairings: Henry/Donghae (with Tablo/Eunhyuk)
Genre: AU. Angst. Romance.
Summary: Five years ago, Donghae failed to escape his Uncle Lee's crime organization and disappeared from Henry's life. But when Donghae has to kidnap Henry to keep him safe, it is still Uncle Lee that stands in the way of them ever having a normal life.
This is a follow up to For Always (QMi, SiHan, HenHae). One can be read without the other, but it does include more detail of the HenHae background and story. :)
***
Chapter One ** Chapter Two ** Chapter Three ** Chapter Four ** Chapter Five ** Chapter Six ** Chapter Seven
***
Eunhyuk hadn’t had the benefit of someone in his bed like Donghae had. He’d been there, too, heard the report of the gun, saw the blood. It made him ill, literally, once they’d been out of danger, out of the moment. And to his disgruntlement, Tablo had taken it on himself to be some kind of sentinel, rarely more than a few feet away as they dealt with the aftermath. It had been Tablo who dropped off him and Donghae at the house. Tablo holding him back in the front seat a moment to ask him a hushed, “Are you all right?”
“Yeah,” he’d answered, tugging his arm away and trying not to think about those hands pinning him against the wall as he was kissed.
But still, he’d slept. He was the first one up, that much wasn’t unusual. Donghae would sleep away half the day if given the opportunity. And when he’d looked in, seen Donghae wrapped in Henry, he’d turned away, closing the door behind him. Donghae had wanted that a long time, he knew that. And he couldn’t really say that he’d wanted it too long. He was a guy, so sure, he had fantasies. But he could still be a little envious.
And he also was a little faint when the door opened and Tablo, the direct object of his envy, walked in.
“Don’t scare me like that,” he hissed.
“I’ve been in and out twice already,” Tablo said, sounding amused. “I brought breakfast. Donghae up?”
“No, and I wouldn’t suggest trying to wake him.”
“Ohh,” Tablo made a knowing sound.
“Not because of that,” he corrected primly, checking out the containers of food that Tablo had set out.
“Have you checked out what’s going around the net because of the shooting?”
“Not yet. I can now.”
They had a special computer for such research, routed and rerouted so that no one would be able to trace their activity. The shooting would have been low key, not taking up a lot of news space, but it was the way it was reported, the comments it garnered that was important. Little things that could be played, information that wasn’t supposed to be out there, that made people in the organization start asking questions. He never, ever, wanted someone to die, and certainly not in front of him. But if they had to exploit that to make sure that it never happened in this organization again, then it was what they had to do.
Unfortunately, he wasn’t the only one who walked to the computer, Tablo pulling up a chair and leaning in right behind him.
“Do you have to be touching me while we do this?” Eunhyuk asked, contracting his shoulder as though that would make Tablo’s hand slide off of it.
“Sure helps me to think better,” Tablo said, face calm as though he had just announced an unsurprising bit of weather. “Click there.”
The information that they were looking up had been carefully planted. Unrest in the organization was only one strategy they were employing in order to bring about its end. The small movement of allegiances among the top five or six trusted officials, and especially some dissent against Uncle Lee, meant that even if there were no fights or coups right at that moment, those feelings and information could be used in interrogation down the line.
Tablo made a sound of contentment when they found that the news had spread as they had hoped. And that was when Eunhyuk realized that he had gotten a lot, a whole lot, closer during their research session. In fact, there was an arm around his shoulders that did not belong there at all.
“Let me go.”
No matter how he moved away, twisted, he couldn’t make that warm breath move off of his neck.
Tablo made a strange noise in his throat, almost a grunt but not quite. “What you’re doing isn’t a good way to make me, Hyukjae.”
“Wha-what...?”
“Arch your neck a little farther and you’ll find out,” Tablo said softly.
The tips of their noses nearly brushed as he whipped his head around, staring wide eyed. At least for the second it took for him to shy his head down, shuddering when he realized that Tablo was nudging close, eyes fixed on him.
“Donghae and Henry will be up soon,” he said, mumbled more or less.
He didn’t know if he imagined the lips on his cheek but Tablo did as he had asked and let him go, standing.
“Uncle Lee is going to want to see everyone at the house this morning. When Donghae gets up, we should head over. Henry, too.”
Cheeky fingers chucked him beneath his chin and he sat with a mixture of relief and sort of longing. Tablo hadn’t kissed him since that night. He thought, probably, they’d come pretty close right then. And he was relieved they hadn’t, sort of. But he didn’t see how he could be any redder, even if they had.
***
Donghae had been belligerent, unwilling to consider the idea that all of them had to go to see Uncle Lee. And when he’d gone to argue with Tablo, Eunhyuk had been responsible for shoving Henry out of bed since Donghae wouldn’t do it himself. And Henry had looked disoriented that he was A. Waking alone, and B. Being woken by Eunhyuk.
“Get up. Uncle Lee wants to see us all. You, too.”
There had been fear in Henry’s eyes, and it was normal, and right. He should be afraid. That was all any of them had right now. Fear and hope and no little amount of despair that dried like the blood spattered on his shoes. Donghae had only been a few feet away from the dead man when he was shot, and it was all to clear to both of them that it could be one of them next time. Or the time after that. He knew it bothered Donghae. Donghae, who had confessed that he had told Henry he was sorry before he left, just in case something had happened to him.
And there wasn’t time enough to process it all. Because when Uncle Lee summoned, they went. That was all there was to it.
Uncle Lee wasn’t yet at the house that they used on and off for their gathering place, but they had to pretend all the same.
“Massage my feet,” Tablo said, collapsing across the couch cushions and nudging Eunhyuk’s thigh.
Eunhyuk stared.
“What?”
“You’re supposed to...”
“I don’t think that was part of our agreement.”
He could hear Donghae chuckling from the other couch, Henry tucked beneath his arm and rather blank faced about it as well. It was ironic, after lobbying Donghae to do the right thing about Henry, that he and Henry ended up in the same position: the apparent pets of social sadists.
Okay that wasn’t a very charitable thought about his best friend, but the man playing footsie with his thigh absolutely qualified.
It was probably a good thing that Donghae wasn’t seeing the way Henry looked at him. Concern and wistfulness both. They were sitting together like they were close, but the four of them knew better.
Still as he tried to shove Tablo’s feet off of him, he had no idea what he was getting himself into as more people started filing in and taking an interest in their actions.
Tablo’s eyes were inscrutable as he rose, pulling Eunhyuk to his feet after him. He didn’t protest, much, knowing he shouldn’t. And he stayed quiet as his back met the wall, daring a glance up at the first interested, then bored expressions of the people littered through the room.
“What are you...”
“Shh,” Tablo admonished almost under his breath. “If you can’t react right, hide your face.”
React right? React right? What was the correct reaction to finding Tablo’s mouth attached to his neck, licking, biting, sucking, until his skin burned? Tablo’s chest was pressed to his, teasing with every breath.
What had he said? Something about his face? He couldn’t even remember how to hold his head up, moaning softly against Tablo’s shoulder.
He was going to regret that later, he knew it.
That and the fact that Tablo’s hands had just flew to his restless hips, hissing “stop it,” against his skin. What was one more humiliation?
When Tablo pulled back, his mouth was red and wet, as though he had been quite thoroughly kissed, and it was only divine intervention that kept Eunhyuk from licking his lips to imagine it.
“There. Marked my territory,” Tablo said, falling back on his bored tone. But his eyes said quite a lot else.
Eunhyuk raised a hand to his neck, cradling the smarting skin. “What...”
“We’ll deal with it at home, yeah?”
Tablo raised his eyebrows, adjusting his pants rather obviously as he turned to back to the seat he had abandoned.
Couldn’t there have been a nice, easy trapdoor when he needed one? It was all he could do to concentrate on the regrouping meeting knowing there was a bright mark on his neck and Tablo not far away. But even then, as he leaned back, barely touching Tablo’s shoulder, he could see how Donghae had adjusted his arm around Henry, just that much more protective and possessive. And as Uncle Lee spoke to them, demanding information of them, he saw the way Henry’s hand curled tighter into Donghae’s. For both of them, that made him glad. Of them, he was pretty sure Donghae was the only one who didn’t see how obvious it was that Henry loved him, and despite all of Donghae’s stupidity, kept falling further.
He shivered slightly as Tablo rubbed at his arm, warming him slightly, sliding down, behind him to hold his hip. It was all very subtle, even as Tablo answered some of Uncle Lee’s questions. Tablo, who was so serious now. And as he stared at that face, there were just so many things he wanted to know.
***
“Hyukjae.”
He felt himself twitch in the darkness, eyes blinking rapidly at blackness as his heart tripped rapidly.
For a second he almost relaxed, assuming he had woken from some kind of dream, or that Donghae had made some noise.
Until the bed shifted without his movement to help it. He lashed out blindly, without thought, arms, knees, and hands pinned him.
“Hyukjae, shhh.”
“Tab..?”
“Shhh!” Tablo laughed softly, his breath gusting against his face as he strained to see. “Weren’t you listening?”
“What are you doing?” he hissed, trying to move his arms out from Tablo’s hold. Tablo’s palms were hot on his wrists, and it was distracting and made him think just what other body parts were too close for comfort. “Let me go!”
“I kind of like you like this.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I called Donghae. He thought it might be a good idea if I stuck close. I’ll be bunking here for a while. One more set of eyes.”
Because of the shooting, Eunhyuk realized. Another guard.
“You’re staying here?”
“On the couch. Unless you’re offering?”
He could hear the humor in Tablo’s voice and it rattled him. “No!”
“Okay,” Tablo said, thumbs working at Eunhyuk’s wrists. “You ran away too quickly when I kissed you last time. And after that scene today, I thought we could catch up.”
“I was asleep.” That was absolutely Tablo’s knee against his thigh. “In the morning we can...”
He didn’t gasp or stutter, he simply froze as Tablo’s mouth grazed his. Kind of awkwardly and off center, but in the dark, who could blame him? And there wasn’t any mental debate as to what that was, because his brain was chanting, kisskisskiss.
“Yeah?” Tablo murmured. “What were you saying?”
“Uhhh.” That was a good question.
With a muffled groan, something that absolutely should have has send tingles over Eunhyuk’s skin and yet did anyway, Tablo stretched out on the bed beside him. He crossed his arms over his chest, pulling up his knees, as though that would protect him somehow from Tablo. Tablo, who had his chest pressed to his arms, head propped up as he stared at Eunhyuk.
“This is nice,” he said, teasing Eunhyuk’s elbow. “That was quite a scene we put on today.”
His still had a sore spot on his neck from that “scene.” He could still see the amusement in Donghae’s eyes when they sat back down, the edge of their hips together. Uncle Lee had gotten there even before the heat had left his face, trying to ignore the teasing fingers on his waist.
“Why are you always embarrassing me in front of people?” he asked before realized he was asking it. It was the one question on the forefront of his mind.
Tablo leaned in a little closer. “You know it’s not personal, right? I’m not doing it because I want to embarrass you, but it’s something I have to do sometimes. The way you react makes it fun to tease you here, but that crap we all do over there is an act for them.”
“You all over me is an act?”
Tablo laughed. “Okay, you got me. There’s no act in wanting that. I’ve been all over you right here and there isn’t even anyone to see.”
Which was good to hear in that it made his brain shoot out bursts of joy, but still embarrassing considering they were laying together in his bed.
“Donghae gave you blankets right?” he asked, trying to push away some of the jumping jacks his stomach was doing.
“Yeah, but I’m pretty sure your bed is more comfortable than the couch,” Tablo wheedled.
“Donghae would be worried if he didn’t see you out there in the morning.”
“I can’t say I’m really concerned about him.”
It was amazing that his skin wasn’t fizzling away, the way that Tablo was pressing his lips along his jaw. He wasn’t sure he knew how to move or breathe, with that, kisses on his chin. So close. So close, and stopping.
“Daniel?” he breathed.
And moaned as their mouths met, Tablo’s hand angling his face, wanting more contact, more. Not just the chaste kiss of earlier, faces bumping together, and no matter how much he pretended, he was kissing back, inviting. He felt as though he’d stepped into a hot bath, just feeling Tablo’s hand on his neck. What about Tablo’s mouth was not endlessly fascinating to him. The way their lips fit together, the way his moans felt, the way he caught every insecurity and turned it into want. Teasing, the flicker of a tongue, the soothing of a hand, until all he knew was that mouth and the taste of him.
Reality came crashing down on him when Tablo’s hand slid over his hip. And he panted, with a death grip on Tablo’s wrist. If Tablo touched him, he wasn’t even sure what he would do. Beg? All the tiny little fantasies of them naked in his bed, Tablo touching him, Tablo’s mouth on him, his on Tablo, weren’t helping. And he’d start picking the one he wanted most if they went any further.
Tablo seemed to sense his reluctance, blowing teasingly against his cheek. “Do I at least get a kiss goodnight?”
“Didn’t you just have one?” he asked, wondering where his brain had gone.
“That was some kind of kiss. C’mon. Kiss me this time.”
Even in the dark, he could see Tablo’s face. If he was trying to pretend he didn’t want it, there wasn’t any way he could willingly move to kiss him.
“Please,” Tablo cajoled.
It was just a kiss, he lectured. And closed his eyes and forged ahead.
They’d been close, so it wasn’t miraculous that he’d made it onto Tablo’s lips. He could tell Tablo was tempted to hold him there, but let the simple kiss stand on its own. He wanted to trace the tilting corners of Tablo’s lips, and didn’t even notice that his hand was being lifted until he acknowledged the fact that Tablo had just pressed a very soft kiss to his palm.
“Sleep well, Hyukjae.”
“Yeah,” he gusted out. Probably he should’ve said a thank you. Or maybe returned the good wish. All he did was stare like a paralyzed fish as Tablo stood, holding his breath as the other paused as though thinking, before heading to the door. He didn’t want Tablo in his bed, no, his rational brain agreed. But that didn’t stop him from wishing that he would turn around and come back.
***
Eunhyuk seemed antsy, making sure that Henry was out in the kitchen, in the living room almost the whole of the day. From when they helped each other fold up the sheet and blanket that Tablo had been using on the couch, to making lunch, and waiting for Donghae to get home.
Sitting with cookies and tea, Eunhyuk sort of rubbed at his face and stared across the table at Henry.
“How are you and Donghae?” he asked.
Henry blinked. How were they? Donghae had let him hold him a couple of night’s before, and had forgotten his birthday, and seemed to be avoiding him studiously since. But they weren’t trying to kill each other. So he supposed it could be worse.
“Fine, I guess.”
Considering that their moments had either been very good or fighting, maybe silence was a path to a better status quo between them. Angry wasn’t how he had come to spend his time with Donghae, and there had been too much of that between them already. Some of it was his fault, antagonizing, because any emotion out of Donghae seemed like a good emotion if it was directed toward him. But that wasn’t really proving to be the case, in the long run. He wasn’t in survival mode any more. He’d been with Donghae for weeks, had kissed him - once. He started to assume that because he’d been there as long as he had, that he’d be staying. And staying, he wanted things to improve, and quickly.
But he couldn’t rush it. He’d waited five years for this. People didn’t learn to love or trust in days or weeks. Time, really, wasn’t a factor at all. It was what they both wanted and would allow. He couldn’t have guaranteed that he wouldn’t have slept with Donghae that first day if it had been offered. But between them, that alone was too telling.
Eunhyuk tried to pry a little more, maybe intending to counsel, but Henry changed the topic, mentioning Tablo. Eunhyuk had turned an interesting shade of red and suggested that they waste some time playing games. No amount of gentle ribbing had gotten Eunhyuk to say anything more. They were sprawled with controllers in hand when Donghae finally got back. Henry felt a little like a turtle out of his shell, being out of the room, watching Donghae drop off his coat.
“Hey, come sit and play with us!” Eunhyuk called. “Have you eaten?”
“Yeah, I have,” Donghae said, plopping down on the other side of Eunhyuk. It wasn’t like he could sit beside Henry, because there wasn’t room. His elbow against the arm rest told him that. And yet… “What are you playing?”
“We’ll whup you at racing,” Eunhyuk promised.
It was nice, sitting and doing something mindless, laughing ridiculously as their cars spun out or crashed into a wall. Calling out challenges and threats. He even forgot that Eunhyuk was sitting between them, focusing on the screen and the controller in his hands, the vibration in it.
He whooped as his car crossed the finish line bare milliseconds ahead of Donghae’s, standing to do a little boogie. The smile was almost hurting his face as he sat back down, ready to rib Donghae over the victory.
But then he saw the flat expression in Donghae’s eyes.
His breath caught, the smile fading.
“You got caught up in the last turn, idiot,” Donghae said, punching Eunhyuk in the side. “Now you know why I don’t let you drive.”
“I drive perfectly fine in real life!” Eunhyuk protested.
There, that right there, that grin Donghae sent at Eunhyuk, that was the most painful thing he thought that Donghae could do to him. The ignoring wasn’t the worst part, or the coldness. He saw those as defensive tactics, just as they were for him. He knew Donghae better than that, that he would treat anyone that way. But to see him like this, easy, joking, close, to Eunhyuk. He could see their friendship, their familiarity. So if he recognized Donghae being defensive, he also recognized his own jealousy. Donghae should’ve been smiling at him like that, touching him without thinking about it, enjoying his company. He was so stupid. Stupid hoping for it, stupid expecting it. It was that sick feeling that shamed him, that screamed that what he wanted wasn’t ever going to be possible. Not with Donghae.
He pushed himself to his feet, untangling his ankle from the cord.
“Going to bed,” he mumbled, and shut the door behind him.
***
“You’re so stupid,” Eunhyuk hissed. “Go after him!”
“Why? It’s obvious he doesn’t want to spend time with us.”
Donghae was trying to block out that look of hurt that Henry had been trying to hide.
“Why would he when you look at him like he’s toxic ooze? Maybe you’re dumber than I thought.”
He stood, mostly because Eunhyuk was punching him repeatedly in the side and shoulder. Why had there been hurt in Henry’s face? Sure, he’d distracted himself with teasing Eunhyuk, but he’d thought they’d been having a pretty good time. At least until Henry had smiled at him. That smile had been so happy, and directed at him. He had made his eyes slide away from Henry’s face most days, and he had trained his memory to keep away images that seemed happy with him. It was like looking at the sun unexpected without protection. Blinding. Painful. Joyful. That niggle of hope that he refused to acknowledge. Everything he wanted with Henry was right there. Right there.
He knew how it made him feel to see Henry chattering with Eunhyuk. He knew it wasn’t anything more than that, chattering. But even if he was pushing Henry away, it hurt. He had told himself he was being selfless in giving Henry up before. Henry who had smiled and laughed at him like that before without provocation. Sometimes he wanted to hold him, be held. Or see that smile. Sometimes he wanted to hear words that, even if they weren’t possible or true, that he could at least shoot down. He didn’t want to open the door, but he did.
Henry had just thrown his shirt down onto the floor, a sign of frustration if he had ever seen one. It was an emotion that he had put in Henry. And the longer time went on, the more likely it was that it was that emotion, frustration, impatience, being sick and tired of Donghae, would stick. There would be no smiling Henry, or one that would even care. Just a man who’d wasted too much of his life on a possibly hopeless cause. Once upon a time he had told himself that he just wanted Henry to be able to let go without anger or regret. But the thought of it twisted him inside. He was scared to need again, and scared that one day there would be no one to need. He wanted more than that, for both of them.
But as he gripped Henry’s shoulder, turning him, raking his eyes up Henry’s stomach, his chest, his mouth…
Sometimes he just wanted.
It wasn’t as violent as their kiss on the bed. In fact, it wasn’t much of a kiss at all. Henry stood like a stone, despite Donghae’s arm behind his neck, around his shoulders. He dug his fingertips into the tender skin, and whatever thought Henry had been caught in, he was released. And it was like trying to grapple with a wild thing. Henry’s arms all but crushed his ribs, choking on need as Henry’s teeth grazed his lips. They crashed against the dresser, his side smarting, but it gave him the leverage to draw Henry in closer, feel the heat of him, chest to chest.
Want had never been a problem between them.
He had thought maybe after all that time it would have cooled. Henry would wonder why he ever wanted Donghae to begin with. Remembering that it had been Donghae that had pushed them into it. For a few blissful minutes, there were no barriers between them. Just the sounds they made, and the kiss, and their grasping arms. It was as though they almost became one person, one need.
At least until the first flash of heat cooled, and the kiss turned lazy. To where he could focus on the heat of Henry’s puffing breath, and the softness of that mouth, and the taste of him. It wasn’t supposed to be that way at all. He wasn’t supposed to want or or need that again. It was so much easier when it was just a distant memory, and not something he could tangibly feel and know. He could see himself ringing Henry’s face with his hands and pouring out everything he didn’t want to admit. That he’d been lonely and that he’d missed him, and that he still…
Henry fought him when their mouths parted. A soft little moan with parted lips and closed eyes. It was like leaning over the edge of a cliff and feeling the undeniable pull of gravity, those lips so close. He could slide his hands down to those restless hips and hold him still, and it would take little friction before they would be on the bed and doing things to each other that Donghae knew he would wake up and regret.
“We can’t…” Donghae whispered.
Henry’s eyes were dark. “But you want to.”
That he could give at least. Just that. “Yeah.”
He was prepared to fight Henry off when he saw the move toward him, prepared to make his body go stiff and uninviting. But then he felt Henry’s arms squeeze tight. A hug. Just a simple hug, but it roared through him with all the power of a jet engine in the little room.
“I want to be here for you,” Henry said, muffled in his shoulder.
“Henry, I don’t-”
“You think too much.”
He exhaled hard into Henry’s hair. “All I did was cause you misery.”
Henry shook his head, pressing lips to the skin of Donghae’s neck. He had to steel himself, to keep his knees from buckling. He wanted so badly to know that was real. To think that Henry saw even something redeemable in him. Because he didn’t. All he had was cynicism of too many years alone.
“It’s not like I’m perfect either,” Henry told him smartly.
But it still felt as though he soiled him. He tried to warm the skin of Henry’s back with his hand, or at least that was one excuse. Henry inhaled, pressing closer.
“We can’t keep picking at each other like this.”
“But I can’t risk-” Donghae made himself stop. Couldn’t risk what, wanting Henry again? Because he did. And if he wanted, and knew that he could have Henry if only he reached out and tried, well. He wasn’t a saint. He would take it.
“How much danger have I put you in, being here?” Henry asked, stroking Donghae’s back.
“Not much, I don’t think.” Not much yet. Uncle Lee had been almost a little softer lately. “Actually, the distraction of you might even be good.”
“Distracting them, maybe. But you? I didn’t want to put you in danger.”
“Too late to start thinking logically,” he murmured. “Believe me, I’d let you know if I had to get rid of you to save myself.”
“Get rid of me where?” Henry joked, playing with the hem of Donghae’s shirt.
“I know a nice spot to throw you into the ocean.”
It was only after he said it that the possible implications of it sank into him. He’d thrown Henry into the sea before, rolling with him in the water, laughing, kissing. Crying. This wasn’t how their life was supposed to have gone. They were supposed to be out there being stupid with each other. Maybe get some kind of big stupid dog and work out together and sex each other up as often as possible. Henry had wasted all that time on him.
“I’ll do it, after this is over,” Donghae said, and managed to pull himself away.
“I can only stay in the country so long?”
Henry, so naive. He almost laughed. “I can take care of extending your stay. Believe me, that’s no problem.”
“Legally?” Henry asked, a little doubtfully.
“Through official channels,” he said. “With a little cash to grease it if we have to. Believe me, you won’t get deported. Uncle Lee wouldn’t ever believe it if I let you go.”
Which kind of sounded like he was keeping Henry around just because he had to, but that wasn’t really true. That hadn’t been true for a long time. The smile on Henry’s face was tentative, searching for something Donghae wasn’t sure how to show. But his smile back was genuine, if small, as he imagined Henry being lovingly mauled by that big stupid dog. Problem was, he wanted to lick Henry all over, too.
He shook himself out of it before he took a step forward and reached. “Mind if I shower first?”
“Go ahead,” was the soft answer, with averted eyes. But the hurt had left that face, even if the flush in his cheeks hadn’t.
He felt better, safer, when he locked himself in the bathroom. Showering, getting ready for sleep. Taking precious time to relieve some of the tension flushing through him, the memory of Henry against him too fresh, too real. It felt too good to imagine that it was Henry’s hand. It didn’t stop him from having to avert his eyes when he came out to keep from watching Henry stand and disappear. To hear the shower turn on, imagine him washing, or touching himself. He growled, and turned onto his side. The bed was wide enough for them both, but facing Henry’s side of the bed, it seemed like he’d be laying even closer than he remembered.
The room was entirely dark when Henry came out of the bathroom and turned off the light. And for some reason, that made it more intimate than it had ever seemed. Henry had held him in this bed, held him as though he deserved to be held and comforted. When he’d been sick inside, and needing. Probably any person offering comfort at that moment, any person that he trusted, he’d have taken some of it. But even if after the shooting he had given the shuddering Eunhyuk a hug before heading inside, he would never have fallen asleep in Eunhyuk’s arms as he had with Henry. In just a tiny way, that made him believe in something that he had not even hoped.
He focused on breathing as the bed dipped slightly as Henry slid under the covers, got himself settled. The smartest thing to do was to pretend to be asleep. But his head was aching with a question.
“Henry?” he said softly, not wanting to startle him.
“Yes?”
“Do you regret…?” Finding him? Looking for him? Meeting him?
There was a moment of silence as the words spun out, but Henry answered, emphatic. “No.”
He did not care if Henry could see his smile in the dark. The answer was as good as a physical touch, and listening to Henry breathe, he slid deeply into sleep.
***