If I could do just one near perfect thing...
...I'd be happy.
Lately, I've been coming home from work feeling like the most inadequate person. I'm a waitress. For anyone who has ever worked in the customer service industry, you'd know that feeling beneath people and feeling inadequate is an everyday thing. But see, I can put up crap from customers with situational value systems. I can deal with whiny kids, snickering and/or snide women, and grumpy old men giving shitty tips. Fine. But I can't deal with having to put up with dissatisfaction from the people I work with. I'm around these people a lot, so when I disappoint someone or feel bad for doing something that, deep down, I should have done for the sake of my co-workers, I'm guilt-ridden and ashamed of myself.
Or, on the other hand, if attitudes from my bosses are not good to begin with, and the frustration is taken out on me, I get extremely put down. I don't want to disappoint them or my co-workers. To me, disappointment hurts.
Doing this job for 2 dollars an hour is hard work. And having to interact with people you'd rather kick in the face (i.e. customers) destroys your happiness. Some days, I come home from work thinking about what my boss yelled at me for or remembering a certain customer's bad attitude after kissing their ass, and I immediately feel like going to bed and crying myself to sleep at night. It's not every day this happens -- it just takes enough of these incidents over a period of time before it builds and builds, and then explodes.
It's stressful.
Plus, college right now isn't a load of fun. It's just more work on top of work. I've got two essays plus a presentation to finish in less than two weeks plus finals. Dammit.
Writing my feelings out here is the only way I think I can calm down. I have no one else to talk to, since most of my friends have forgotten about me or have changed too much to the point where I can't connect with them anymore. Sorry if any of ya'll are reading this, by the way (which I doubt you are).
Anyways, tomorrow is Thanksgiving, so I mind as well write about some things that I'm grateful for before this becomes too depressing:
1) My parents. They're the best fucking parents in the world and I'm so grateful for them.
2) Knowing that I will not be a waitress forever.
3) My country, the United States of America. Knowing that I can put my head down at night feeling safe and secure, having my rights and freedoms when so many other women in this world don't have any, and having the opportunities to be anything I want to be, is a blessing.
4) My bed. My bed is awesome. And so is my house. I'm thankful for not being homeless.
5) Chocolate. Thank you sweet baby Jesus for chocolate.
6) My health.
7) And, of course, the internet.
That's all I've got, cause it's 2:30 in the morning and I'd much rather be unconscious right now. Night-night.