Random Ramblings of a Lost Insomniac
I dont know why I chose to post a journal. I think it's because in some weird way I'm hoping to some things off my chest. So here it goes....
today has been one of the worst days I have experienced in a while. Started my day with a lack of sleep and continued it with a bad attitude due to lack of sleep. Came home feeling sick and wanting to puke. While laying in bed trying to relax I was informed that I am to not speak to someone I had been speaking too in hopes of dating. As far as I was aware of, things were going fine, however on the other side of things this person (we'll call him J) was having some troubles. J lives with one of my better known exes and is dating him, which I did not know. Well my ex got jealous because J and I were on track to dating. Long story short, I was told that it would be appreciated if I would back off, which turned out to be not talking at all. That hit home a little harder than I thought. The only upside to the situation is that I realized something very important.
I am pretending to be an orientation I am not. I have put on this face of being straight full well knowing that I am quite gay. I believe that I chose to continue living the straight lifestyle due to the need for some sort of affection. This is not to say that those who I dated, I didn't genuinely like, but that I longed for the affection of a male and if I couldn't get it, I got it where I could. Which happened to be from females. After this realization I came to another, because I am so loose in terms of gender I now know that I don't need affection from man but just from a male or masculine identified person.
To top off my wonderful Tuesday, I broke my really expensive phone. I have no back up I have no money to spare. So I have to go a while with out my phone. Not super hard, just means I have to go through loops when applying for jobs...or anything else for that matter.
I'd love to say that the T has taken hold and I'm super pissy and hormonal, but I know its me. Its all from me. Today has been one of the most trying days and I really don't know how well I'm gong to handle the rest of the week.
today has been one of the worst days I have experienced in a while. Started my day with a lack of sleep and continued it with a bad attitude due to lack of sleep. Came home feeling sick and wanting to puke. While laying in bed trying to relax I was informed that I am to not speak to someone I had been speaking too in hopes of dating. As far as I was aware of, things were going fine, however on the other side of things this person (we'll call him J) was having some troubles. J lives with one of my better known exes and is dating him, which I did not know. Well my ex got jealous because J and I were on track to dating. Long story short, I was told that it would be appreciated if I would back off, which turned out to be not talking at all. That hit home a little harder than I thought. The only upside to the situation is that I realized something very important.
I am pretending to be an orientation I am not. I have put on this face of being straight full well knowing that I am quite gay. I believe that I chose to continue living the straight lifestyle due to the need for some sort of affection. This is not to say that those who I dated, I didn't genuinely like, but that I longed for the affection of a male and if I couldn't get it, I got it where I could. Which happened to be from females. After this realization I came to another, because I am so loose in terms of gender I now know that I don't need affection from man but just from a male or masculine identified person.
To top off my wonderful Tuesday, I broke my really expensive phone. I have no back up I have no money to spare. So I have to go a while with out my phone. Not super hard, just means I have to go through loops when applying for jobs...or anything else for that matter.
I'd love to say that the T has taken hold and I'm super pissy and hormonal, but I know its me. Its all from me. Today has been one of the most trying days and I really don't know how well I'm gong to handle the rest of the week.