I suck
So my anxiety took over and as my two readers know i told allison how i felt and i got rejected for the first time in my life. And now i am so confused i dont know what to do so i call the ex to go get some ass and that just makes me feel worse when i thought it would make me feel better. I figured i would go see ais and it would take my mind off of allison, which is what i need more than anything in this world and instead i feel terrible for doing that to ais bc i know how she feels about me. And the whole time i am with ais i am thinking about allison, maybe im hurt because she fucked w/ my head!!! It wasn't like we just hooked up, okay see you later...it was like she would rub my arm in the car, hold my hand, lay w/ me and caress me and shit- you don't do that w/ someone you just wanna fuck w/ or experiment w/. The endless text messages about how she wished i was there to sleep next to her, daring me to climb into her window so she could wake up next to me, the emails- so elaborate on what she wanted to do w/ me, and then there is the fact that we are or were always on the phone and if we werent on the phone we were together every second possible. I am so fucked up right now i dont know what to do, i didnt want to like her but i fell hard- right on my fucking face...im so god damn stupid, i always get myself in these situations where i am the one that gets hurt and looks like a retard.
But here is my thought on the situation, whether i am having to console myself or not it makes sense. I believe that she really does have feelings for me, and that scares her- hell when i first recognizing my homo feelings it was the most frightening thing in the world but at the same time the best- and so she is running away from them, which is understandable but dont fucking play me for a fool and just be like "i am so flattered that you would consider me to be someone you are interested in" or "if i was gay i would be w/ you or someone like you"...fuck that, deal w/ your feelings and have a good time!!!!!!!! I hate that people are so caught up in what other people think- thanks john you fucking asshole, get your own life and leave her alone- its not my fault she doesnt want your psychotic ass. And how John found out is beyond me. That is besides the point though. Lets get back, i also think i pushed her away by bringing feelings into it, bc that can get weird i know ive been there done that. I am just going nuts and i dont know what to do, i want her so bad. This is why we have the gay for straight rule - u can look but never want because when you cant have something you would die for it SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe that stupid saying everything happens for a reason will apply here, but not w/ my luck.
And as a side note she is bringing this guy nick to the party saturday night, which is kinda fucked up bc she knows im gonna be there and she knows i like her- whatever, i gotta find a hot date to be all over me at the party...if you are a really sexy les or could be for the night please call 1-888-IM GONNA FUCKING KILL MYSELF.
Im gonna go get some beer bc i will lose all control and just start saying what im thinking to whoever i want to say things to. Hmmmmmmmm....Allison is calling at like 830 i can down a 12 pack by then...its on bitchs.
But here is my thought on the situation, whether i am having to console myself or not it makes sense. I believe that she really does have feelings for me, and that scares her- hell when i first recognizing my homo feelings it was the most frightening thing in the world but at the same time the best- and so she is running away from them, which is understandable but dont fucking play me for a fool and just be like "i am so flattered that you would consider me to be someone you are interested in" or "if i was gay i would be w/ you or someone like you"...fuck that, deal w/ your feelings and have a good time!!!!!!!! I hate that people are so caught up in what other people think- thanks john you fucking asshole, get your own life and leave her alone- its not my fault she doesnt want your psychotic ass. And how John found out is beyond me. That is besides the point though. Lets get back, i also think i pushed her away by bringing feelings into it, bc that can get weird i know ive been there done that. I am just going nuts and i dont know what to do, i want her so bad. This is why we have the gay for straight rule - u can look but never want because when you cant have something you would die for it SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe that stupid saying everything happens for a reason will apply here, but not w/ my luck.
And as a side note she is bringing this guy nick to the party saturday night, which is kinda fucked up bc she knows im gonna be there and she knows i like her- whatever, i gotta find a hot date to be all over me at the party...if you are a really sexy les or could be for the night please call 1-888-IM GONNA FUCKING KILL MYSELF.
Im gonna go get some beer bc i will lose all control and just start saying what im thinking to whoever i want to say things to. Hmmmmmmmm....Allison is calling at like 830 i can down a 12 pack by then...its on bitchs.