Sometimes it sucks (the rest of the blog)
Yeah, knowing that your course in life is set and there is no way to go back or change the things that will haunt you forever. I know that you don't know this, but I'm really good with most babies (like 75%). They find me either annoying as hell (25%), or they fall asleep in my arms and rest peacefully for hours.
Tonight Kristin had Crystal's kids over. It's a long story, don't ask. Anywho, Kaylan who is 8 months old didn't wanna lay down with her bottle and go to sleep. My part of the packing was pretty much done. I went in with Kaylan and held her and rocked her. It was so sweet and so warm to hold her there in my arms. She fell asleep in about three minutes. I tried to lay her down, but Kristin's bed scared me. I didn't want her to roll wrong or hurt herslf. No, instead I laid down on the bed with Kaylan in my arms. She snuffled down and barely moved.
Kristin came in and said she needed to pack up her room, so we moved to my room. Yeah, sitting in my bed with this warm baby in my arms cuddled up on my chest made me realize how much it sucks ass that I won't ever be able to have kids of my own. I started crying. It made me hurt really bad to feel that way. Knowing that this baby, not even a family member's baby or niece or nephew, might be the last time I get to hold a baby like that just broke my heart. What did I do wrong in life that I can't have babies? What was so wrong?
I know so many people in life that don't want to have kids. I always wanted kids when I was little. Jeebus my heart is breaking right now. I've had my cry now, so mabye if I lay down I'll be able to sleep. It just felts so good to have that trusting little body next to mine. (deleted sappy comment here)
The baby is gone now. People wonder why I stay away from them, it's because it hurts too much.
Tonight Kristin had Crystal's kids over. It's a long story, don't ask. Anywho, Kaylan who is 8 months old didn't wanna lay down with her bottle and go to sleep. My part of the packing was pretty much done. I went in with Kaylan and held her and rocked her. It was so sweet and so warm to hold her there in my arms. She fell asleep in about three minutes. I tried to lay her down, but Kristin's bed scared me. I didn't want her to roll wrong or hurt herslf. No, instead I laid down on the bed with Kaylan in my arms. She snuffled down and barely moved.
Kristin came in and said she needed to pack up her room, so we moved to my room. Yeah, sitting in my bed with this warm baby in my arms cuddled up on my chest made me realize how much it sucks ass that I won't ever be able to have kids of my own. I started crying. It made me hurt really bad to feel that way. Knowing that this baby, not even a family member's baby or niece or nephew, might be the last time I get to hold a baby like that just broke my heart. What did I do wrong in life that I can't have babies? What was so wrong?
I know so many people in life that don't want to have kids. I always wanted kids when I was little. Jeebus my heart is breaking right now. I've had my cry now, so mabye if I lay down I'll be able to sleep. It just felts so good to have that trusting little body next to mine. (deleted sappy comment here)
The baby is gone now. People wonder why I stay away from them, it's because it hurts too much.