Five times Lee does not kiss Kara

Jan 26, 2007 18:35



Title: Five times Lee does not kiss Kara
Rating: PG
Spoilers: S2; one part is set in S3, but no specific spoilers
Words: ~ 1500

Right. Thanks to 
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bsg, fan fics

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ammonite7 January 26 2007, 22:06:50 UTC
Congratulations! You do better with grammar than a lot of folks who grew up with the language. Couple things. Please do not use "but also." I know a lot of people do. It is not grammatically correct. They negate one another. The other mistakes I found were from translating into English, but you are doing an amazing job.

"down-to-earth" should be hyphenated as it is being used as an adjective for sex appeal. "Make-up" also hyphenated, as it is a noun here.

An interruption is indicated by two dashes (--) rather than elipses (. . .), which are for pauses.

Love your writing; keep it up.

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florahart January 27 2007, 01:57:18 UTC
I beg to differ about 'but also.' In the case here, it is used correctly, to mean, it is A, but (negating A some, meaning It is A but not entirely A) it is also (additionally) B. "And also" doesn't mean the same thing here; it would imply A and B are not particularly set against each other ( ... )

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coldspace January 27 2007, 13:54:21 UTC
florahart, that's the coolest icon. That's exactly how I felt when I was writing this. :-)

I'll look up how to make the punctuation inside quotation marks work correctly. I just realized I used at least two different ways, so one of them has to be wrong.

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ammonite7 January 29 2007, 19:17:21 UTC
Sorry, I had a college English prof who said "but also" was absolutely never correct. Possibly things have changed since then. I realize that sometimes what was once considered bad grammar, can change later. I merely remember what she insisted. And "but also" was her pet peeve.

"Make up" without the hyphen is two words used as a verb. I agree makeup without the hyphen is used as you say.

My comment on the ellipsis is from a current book on correct writing. Have to get back to you on the exact one and the author, as I am at work and don't have it in front of me. My missed "l" was a typo.

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ammonite7 January 29 2007, 19:05:39 UTC
Your sentence is a list of phrases, and phrases are separated by commas. (Phrase: You have a subject or object and something referring to it, a verb, adverb or adjective.) If you were speaking this sentence, you would naturally make a slight pause after each phase, or take a downward or up tone in your voice, or take a slight breath. Try speaking the sentence out loud, and see what happens. They aren't called run-ons for nothing, if you don't put a comma, or some punctuation in there. Reading your stories out loud is always a good idea. Read them consistent with your punctuation.

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coldspace January 27 2007, 13:58:18 UTC
Thanks ammonite! I love to get tips about how to improve.

I've been staring at the two sentences with down-to-earth and make-up for five minutes now, but I can't figure out why there is a comma in the second one. Is it the "weak interruption" thing?
I guess, I'm totally fixed on commas at the moment. :-)

I've tried about 3 times, but this comment just doesn't want to go beneath yours!

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