What Really Happened in 1776, account by Siousxie the Squirrel
Warning: What really happened in 1776 is not for snowflakes or other entities that are easily offended. Hints of racism, sexism, and other highly offensive things are discussed. The year of 1776 was when people would be grownass adults and not be offended by everything that isn't in the "norm." There is also slight nudity, so this story is not for children.
Virginia and the rest of the colonies in "America," as the conquerers called it, were a battle zone of chaos in 1776-1781 A.D. or C.E. (I haven't even finished the first sentence of this story, and I've already dealt with being politically-correct. Folks, this politically-correct nonsense has been going on since the Free Masons travelled over here beginning in 1480s or whatever.) Mostly, there were disease-ridden, filthy, and ARROGANT white, as in pale white vampire-looking mother fuckers, probably most of whom are the evil Free Masons. They came over and took our lands, food, water supply, homes, everything... They destroyed my home to make theirs. I mostly hated them with a passion. I wanted vengeance for what they did to the native non-disease-ridden, clean, kind, and giving people that were indigenous to what they call the New World. They planned to call it (name it - I don't know! My native pattern of speech isn't this English, "American," or whatever dialect I'm using to tell this story. This language is BACKWARDS!!!!) after some asshole named America. He sounded like an asshole.
Anyway, I had absolutely HAD enough of these white vampire assholes coming over here and conquering our lands. You know whom I hated more than anyone ever? The (squirrel noises) British! That's right. I hated those crooked-toothed, white, pimply, freckle-faced, snot-nosed pig-looking spineless hopeless wormheaded lowlife pieces of monkey jerks! They so much as looked at you, and you caught like a million diseases just from breathing in the same vicinity of the bitches. They also kill(ed) for sport, WHICH IS A CRIME AGAINST NATURE!!! They really needed to be exiled from this pristine place I called home.
I was one of the leaders of an animal brigade known as the Secret Society of Woodland Creatures. My husband, JoJo The Great Black Bear, was the true warrior leader of our organization. Old Duck, who was a duck, was our chancellor and meeting planner.
There were other members that were noteworthy such as Little Snake, Brutus the Bull, and Plauo the Possum.
Old Duck had two of our other members who protected him named Murphee the Wolf and Gabby the Cat. Gabby was one of the colonies's stray animals who happened to join the forces of good under Old Duck's shrewd convincing.
They and I made a great team for fighting against the injustice of the woods and of the world, for that matter.
We were just about to start a meeting. JoJo the Great Black Bear was at his wit's end with the "American Revolutionary War" buffalo shit going on on our land.
"Hey everyone! Thank you for your attendance! We have important business to address! We must take back our land! The white men, especially the British, have been taking over for too long! Fuck the Free Masons!" JoJo the Great Black Bear said with vigor.
"Fuck the Free Masons!" we yelled.
"We must rebel! We must join the quote-unquote American quote-unquote Revolutionary Forces! This has gone too far!!!" JoJo the Great Black Bear yelled.
"Yes!!!" Old Duck screamed as he quacked.
Murphee howled. Gabby meowed loudly. JoJo the Great Black Bear growled. Little Snake hissed loudly. Brutus the Bull bellowed. Plauo the Possum clicked angrily. And I, Siouxie the Squirrel, chattered like hell.
"We strike when we feel like waking up. I fucking hate mornings with a passion!!! I'll probably go to bed at dawn!" JoJo the Great Black Bear yelled.
We made our respective animal sounds before we heard the crunching of leaves. We hid in the trees and listened.
I spotted a young, curly-haired lass with bright green eyes and bifocals on his white face. He was wearing brown trousers, brown leather boots, and an over-sized gray shirt. He had a hunting knife in his right hand. He was incredibly tall, too. I was sure he was a demon.
This curly-haired lass was whistling, which annoyed me to no end. He didn't seem interested in hunting necessarily. I didn't know or care what he was doing. I just wanted that pasty white demon out of my woods and off my land.
When the demon got close enough to us, JoJo the Great Black Bear jumped out in front of him and growled fiercely while putting his arms way in the air.
The demon jumped back and nearly tripped over himself. He screamed as his eyes widened at my powerful bear husband.
Old Duck then screamed, "Charge!" and quacked like hell as he charged at the demon.
"What the hell?" the demon screamed in his guttural accent (which you may know as a Scottish accent).
Little Snake went to the side of the demon and started wrapping herself around him slowly. She sniffed him and was hissing softly. I think she was aroused.
The demon tried to get her off of him as he was screaming, but she was giggling and wrapping herself around him tighter. He couldn't cut her with his knife because she wrapped herself around his wrists. Little Snake was a smart and sweet woman.
I was chattering out of frustration that the demon had the NERVE TO WHISTLE IN THE WOODS!!! HE WAS AN ASSHOLE! I was frustrated about many things.
Brutus the Bull snorted, approached him, and stared him down.
The demon looked at Brutus the Bull's green eyes helplessly. Plauo the Possum and Gabby walked next to him on each side and stared at him in a threatening manner. Gabby angrily meowed at him.
Old Duck quacked at him. "What are you doing here?!!!!" he squawked.
Somehow, the demon was able to translate animal noises. "I was just walking in the woods," he answered in that guttural accent.
JoJo the Great Black Bear growled again. "No. No human just walks in the woods with a knife," he said.
Little Snake was holding his knife to his side while her tongue trailed along his cheek. "Mmmm... human flesh," she said with a giggle.
"Well, I have a knife to defend myself in case, this happens..." the demon said with an awkward smile. Awkward was a good word to describe the demon, really.
"You're defending yourself so well," JoJo the Great Black Bear said sarcastically. "So answer Old Duck's question: Why are you here?"
"Like I said, I was strolling the woods absent-mindedly. I do that when I'm looking for inspiration," the demon said. Little Snake wrapped herself up to him and kissed his cheek with her small tongue.
"Inspiration? You're looking for inspiration when there is a war going on?" JoJo the Great Black Bear asked incredulously.
"Well, I'm trying to figure out how to really capture what is happening in a story. You do realize this war will determine the future of this land," the demon said.
It was my turn to speak to the demon. I jumped on his face and hissed at him. "Yes, we know, you curly-haired asshole! That's why we're trying to figure out how to take our land back from you jerks!" I said before I chattered in his ear. I even managed to hiss at him.
"Aaahhhh!!! Rabid squirrel!!!" the demon screamed as he wiggled to try to get me off of him.
"Yes. She is my wife, Siouxie the Squirrel," JoJo the Great Black Bear said with pride.
I hissed loudly in the demon's face. I bared my teeth and everything.
"She will fuck you up," JoJo the Great Black Bear said.
Old Duck quacked three times. Murphee howled three times. Gabby meowed three times. Little Snake hissed three times before squeezing him softly. Plauo the Possum clicked three times. Brutus the Bull bellowed three times.
"I say. What the hell is going on?"a refined British accent asked.
Old Duck quacked angrily and charged at the sound of the British male. "Fuck you! Get the fuck off our land!" he screamed.
Murphee howled and followed Old Duck. "I will rip you the fuck apart!" he screamed.
Gabby meowed. "Begone Brit!!!" he screamed in a deep, menacing voice.
"Calm thyselves. I come in peace," the male with the refined British accent said.
I looked to see a mongoose running around. Little Snake instantly went after him and yelled, "State your business!!!"
Old Duck quacked three times. Murphee howled three times. Gabby meowed three times. JoJo the Great Black Bear growled three times. Plauo the Possum clicked three times. Brutus the Bull bellowed three times. I chattered three times.
The mongoose let out a scream. "I am escaping the war!!! I need back-up. The humans have gone mad!" he said. I just now noticed the mongoose had a crown.
I jumped off the demon's face and approached the mongoose. "Why is royalty in our woods?!" I screamed and hissed.
"My God! I am trying to get away from my mad prince. He is General Cornwallis. He is murdering by the hundreds!" the mongoose screamed. "I feel sick to my stomach knowing there is needless bloodshed!"
"I, too, am sick to my stomach knowing that there is needless bloodshed! Mongoose, you must join us!" Little Snake yelled.
"Who are you? What is this organization?" the mongoose asked.
JoJo the Great Black Bear approached the mongoose. "We are the Secret Society of Woodland Creatures. We fight justice. We question the Establishment! We do well and good! We help animal kind. Fuck humans. Sorry..." he said as he looked to the demon who was scribbling notes in his notepad. "Who the fuck are you?"
"Shamus. Shamus G. Parker," the demon answered as he looked at JoJo the Great Black Bear while continuing to write in his notepad.
"Fuck you, Shamus," JoJo the Great Black Bear said.
"Well, fine! You guys are the meanest animals ever. Hmmmph!!" Shamus said as he folded his arms and pouted. He left his notepad and pencil in his lap. He was rather childish for being so tall.
I walked up to him and rubbed up against his right hip. I chattered softly.
"You're weird. First you want to rip my face off, and then you want my affection," Shamus said as he pet me.
I nuzzled his tummy and ruffled up what he wrote by accident. There was a small little pouch in his tummy. I laid on his notepad to show my approval of his existence and moved his pencil to his hand. He put the pencil in his pocket.
"My wife has taken to you, I see," JoJo the Great Black Bear said.
"I'm not sure why," Shamus said with an awkward smile.
"Your inspiration shall be to join us in the fight against the Brits," JoJo the Great Black Bear said.
"Well, as much as I'd like to, I can't. I'm from Scotland, so I'm technically a Brit myself," Shamus said awkwardly as he smiled.
"So you betray us?" JoJo the Great Black Bear asked.
"Well..." Shamus said as he pet me. "How can I when such a cute little squirrel is in my lap?"
I chattered as I allowed Shamus to pet me.
"Good answer," Brutus the Bull said. "Join us, or die!!!!"
"Well, I don't feel suicidal today," Shamus said. "I will join."
Old Duck quacked happily and waddled over to him. "We now induct you, Shamus the Human, into the Secret Society of Woodland Creatures!"
Murphee howled three times. Gabby meowed three times. Brutus the Bull bellowed three times.
"Wait! I, too, would like to join! I am Sir Carrington from London, and I denounce my claim to the English throne!!!! At least until my forefathers return to England to start afresh. I have no business being on this strange land to fight men with whom I have no quarrel. I fight for my brethren! Not against them!" the mongoose screamed with pride.
Little Snake hissed loudly three times. "May I honor and induct him, JoJo the Great Black Bear?" she asked him.
"You may," JoJo the Great Black Bear said.
"We now induct you, Sir Carrington the Mongoose from London, into the Secret Society of Woodland Creatures!" Little Snake said excitedly.
Plauo the Possum clicked three times. Brutus the Bull bellowed three times. Old Duck quacked three times. I chattered three times. JoJo the Great Black Bear growled three times.
Everyone except Shamus and Sir Carrington was making his or her respective animal noises. Shamus started whistling because apparently, that's a human noise.
"Thank ye," Shamus said.
Sir Carrington screeched out of excitement.
Shamus and the rest of us jumped away from Sir Carrington. Shamus picked up his notepad and stuffed it back into his backpack. I had just then noticed his backpack.
"What the fuck was that?!" Shamus said in his most guttural accent as he stared at Sir Carrington with wide eyes.
Sir Carrington screeched again. "That is the noise I make when I am excited!" he exclaimed in his refined British accent.
"Great! We can use that for our battle cry!" Old Duck said as he quacked.
"Agreed! Now, we attack at second or third light, depending on when we wake up," JoJo The Great Black Bear said.
"Why not first?" asked Shamus.
"Most of us aren't morning people," I answered.
"Hm. Can we try third? I hate afternoons," Shamus said.
"Yes! Fine with us!" Old Duck said with a quack.
Murphee howled three times. Gabby meowed three times.
"Can we start at the very end of the third light? I'm not a night person," Brutus the Bull said.
"Jeebus Nuts! Let's just attack now! Nobody can fucking agree on anything in this stupid group!" I yelled with an angry chatter.
Shamus screamed a battle cry. "Okay! Fuck everybody!" he yelled.
JoJo the Great Black Bear growled. "Fuck everybody!!!"
Old Duck quacked and starting charging toward the human camps. "Fuck everybody!!!" he shouted.
Plauo the Possum clicked and ran with Old Duck. "Fuck everybody... AND ANY FORM OF GOVERNMENT!!!! AND THE COMMIES!!" he screamed.
Little Snake slithered. "Fuck almost everybody... Don't kill women and children!!!"
Murphee howled and followed Old Duck. "Fuck everybody!!!!!" he yelled.
Gabby meowed loudly and ran with Murphee. "Fuck everybody," he said in a deep voice.
Brutus the Bull charged. "Fuck everybody!!!!" he yelled.
Sir Carrington ran with Little Snake before screeching loudly. "I screeched because swearing doesn't sound threatening with a British accent," he added as he continued to run.
JoJo the Great Black Bear took up the rear as we ran into battle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The Battle of Yorktown, October 1781 (because the exact date is questionable. I don't know. I'm a squirrel!!!)
That son of a bitch Cornwallis was still existing... on my land. We recruited many animals to help us fight for our land.
To make things worse, even bigger assholes than the British came over into our land. Stank ass, hairy ass French people. Nutty Shit, they smelled like Limburger. They sounded snooty and made my nose curl up. I think their noses curled up because they could smell each other. Nutty Shit, do they know what a stream and some oil soap is? My God.
The smell of the French killed many of us and even made my husband gag. They even brought over skunks to help defeat us. Those bastards repopulated all over my woods, which really pissed me off.
We started this buffalo shit fight five years ago. None of the main animals died yet, which had been a miracle in itself.
Sir Carrington and Little Snake got married last year and were then making lizards with two legs. They looked like tiny T-Rexes.
JoJo the Great Black Bear and I had four tiny black cubs named Annabelle, Kissy, Pooh, and Paddington the Great Black Bear. JoJo the Great Black Bear felt the need to mix with the Brits because we were conquering their land now. They were young warriors who chattered when they went into battle.
Old Duck was on his last webbed foot as he was aging. The rest of us urged him not to fight, but to strategize our attacks.
Murphee had become bigger and stronger than ever. He had a high kill-count.
Gabby was middle-aged, but he still fought well.
Plauo the Possum assassinated hundreds of British and French men. He was a possum that was not to be fucked with. He single-handedly ambushed a small scouting party the night before last.
Brutus the Bull literally ran over hundreds of humans every day and even stuck his horns through several of them. He then ate some of the fatter bodies when he was hungry.
Shamus was still fighting along us. I saved his ass many times in battle, but he was still a great distraction for men and women alike while I killed most of the Brits around him. A woman soldier who pretended to be a man had relations with Shamus and stole his sperm. Shamus was pissed at me for a few months for not stopping her, but he forgave me when his son, Mortimer J. Parker was born. Mortimer was a beautiful boy with red curly hair, bright green eyes, and porcelain skin.
When the Battle of Yorktown began, General George Washington led the attack. He was one of the only Free Masons I ever liked. Everyone liked him. He was a man who was a gentleman, served his community, and advocated for animal rights. We allowed him to join the Secret Society of Woodland Creatures once Cornwallis surrendered.
Now the best part about this war was when I did a sneak attack on that fat, pompous bastard, Cornwallis. He had the ugliest and stinkiest powdered wig and the ugliest teeth I had ever had the displeasure of seeing in my entire life. He was also an even bigger asshole than Shamus could ever be. His breath alone could kill hundreds. He turned into a dragon in battle. He was not allowed to join the Secret Society of Woodland Creatures.
We fought like hell. We shouted battle cries! But Cornwallis's men were taking us out. Plauo the Possum finally kicked the bucket when some asshole violently stuck a pitchfork in him. The next to go was Brutus the Bull. It took five men to kill him. Then, some buck-toothed human asshole shot Murphee.
My heart was broken, and I was raging. In the Battle of Yorktown, I killed literally 500 men out of grief, frustration, and desperation to finally get my land back. Even the other animals were in shock. JoJo the Great Black Bear had to cover our cubs' eyes to keep them innocent from their raging mother.
Cornwallis was running away to take a piss. That was my golden opportunity to take him down. I sneaked around the trees to see that fat, pompous asshole drop his pants. He was taking a nice leak in the woods and laughing. He sounded like an asshole.
As a steady stream of piss was escaping him, I charged in and jumped up to bite his large, hairy testicles. I was hungry and angry at the same time, so I was gnawing at his nuts while holding onto his testicles. I was eating his pubic hair to spite him and nourish myself. He was trying everything in his power to get me off his nuts. He screamed and swore. His most repeated quote was "Get off my nuts! Get off my nuts!"
I wouldn't get off his nuts. For one thing, I was enjoying causing pain to the man that led the attacks on my land for five years. Also, I enjoyed the taste of hot testicle blood and pubic hair in my mouth. I chattered out of twisted enjoyment.
Cornwallis was screaming bloody murder as he tried using both hands to pry me off his nuts. "Auuughhgghgfgh! Get off my nuts, you nutty squirrel!!!" He was stretching my body, but I didn't care. My claws and teeth had a death grip on his poor nutsack.
George Washington and the other humans came over to see what was going on. They saw Cornwallis and were speechless. George Washington was actually chuckling out of stress and anxiety.
"Fuck you guys! Don't just stand there like BUFFOONS!!! Get her off my nuts!!!" He screamed as he tried again to yank me off his now destroyed testicles. Cornwallis had a hell of a time explaining to his wife what happened in the "American Revolutionary" War.
Cornwallis's men tried to yank me off his ball sack, but I turned to them and hissed loudly.
They backed off and screamed in surprise.
"HELP ME!!!!" Cornwallis screamed as he cried and started to give up.
"Oh sure. I'll help you, but under one condition," George Washington said with a sadistic smile. Free Masons are a sadistic bunch.
"Anything!" Cornwallis cried dramatically.
I moaned as I enjoyed the taste of his bloody nuts. I was sure his junk was torn to pieces.
JoJo the Great Black Bear continued to cover our children's eyes. It was too gruesome for normal people to see, much less young impressionable cubs.
George Washington laughed a hearty laugh. "Surrender your cause and declare the Free Masons winners of this Revolutionary War," he decreed.
"Fine! Fine! Just get this crazy bitch off my nuts!" Cornwallis screamed.
"Siouxie, release the nuts," George Washington said.
I sighed before jumping off of Cornwallis's testicles. One of his pubic hairs was hanging out of my mouth as I scurried to George Washington's left side.
Cornwallis pulled his pants up slowly and whimpered.
"Fuck you, Cornwallis. You and your armies are pieces of shit," I said before I angrily chattered.
"You fucked me up all right! You ruined any chance of having children normally. I'm probably going to die of an testicle infection!" Cornwallis said.
"Well, maybe you shouldn't take a piss in the middle of a war then," George Washington said.
And that was how I helped the "Americans" and stankass French defeat the disease-ridden, crooked-toothed Brits.
Virginia and the rest of the colonies in "America," as the conquerers called it, were a battle zone of chaos in 1776-1781 A.D. or C.E. (I haven't even finished the first sentence of this story, and I've already dealt with being politically-correct. Folks, this politically-correct nonsense has been going on since the Free Masons travelled over here beginning in 1480s or whatever.) Mostly, there were disease-ridden, filthy, and ARROGANT white, as in pale white vampire-looking mother fuckers, probably most of whom are the evil Free Masons. They came over and took our lands, food, water supply, homes, everything... They destroyed my home to make theirs. I mostly hated them with a passion. I wanted vengeance for what they did to the native non-disease-ridden, clean, kind, and giving people that were indigenous to what they call the New World. They planned to call it (name it - I don't know! My native pattern of speech isn't this English, "American," or whatever dialect I'm using to tell this story. This language is BACKWARDS!!!!) after some asshole named America. He sounded like an asshole.
Anyway, I had absolutely HAD enough of these white vampire assholes coming over here and conquering our lands. You know whom I hated more than anyone ever? The (squirrel noises) British! That's right. I hated those crooked-toothed, white, pimply, freckle-faced, snot-nosed pig-looking spineless hopeless wormheaded lowlife pieces of monkey jerks! They so much as looked at you, and you caught like a million diseases just from breathing in the same vicinity of the bitches. They also kill(ed) for sport, WHICH IS A CRIME AGAINST NATURE!!! They really needed to be exiled from this pristine place I called home.
I was one of the leaders of an animal brigade known as the Secret Society of Woodland Creatures. My husband, JoJo The Great Black Bear, was the true warrior leader of our organization. Old Duck, who was a duck, was our chancellor and meeting planner.
There were other members that were noteworthy such as Little Snake, Brutus the Bull, and Plauo the Possum.
Old Duck had two of our other members who protected him named Murphee the Wolf and Gabby the Cat. Gabby was one of the colonies's stray animals who happened to join the forces of good under Old Duck's shrewd convincing.
They and I made a great team for fighting against the injustice of the woods and of the world, for that matter.
We were just about to start a meeting. JoJo the Great Black Bear was at his wit's end with the "American Revolutionary War" buffalo shit going on on our land.
"Hey everyone! Thank you for your attendance! We have important business to address! We must take back our land! The white men, especially the British, have been taking over for too long! Fuck the Free Masons!" JoJo the Great Black Bear said with vigor.
"Fuck the Free Masons!" we yelled.
"We must rebel! We must join the quote-unquote American quote-unquote Revolutionary Forces! This has gone too far!!!" JoJo the Great Black Bear yelled.
"Yes!!!" Old Duck screamed as he quacked.
Murphee howled. Gabby meowed loudly. JoJo the Great Black Bear growled. Little Snake hissed loudly. Brutus the Bull bellowed. Plauo the Possum clicked angrily. And I, Siouxie the Squirrel, chattered like hell.
"We strike when we feel like waking up. I fucking hate mornings with a passion!!! I'll probably go to bed at dawn!" JoJo the Great Black Bear yelled.
We made our respective animal sounds before we heard the crunching of leaves. We hid in the trees and listened.
I spotted a young, curly-haired lass with bright green eyes and bifocals on his white face. He was wearing brown trousers, brown leather boots, and an over-sized gray shirt. He had a hunting knife in his right hand. He was incredibly tall, too. I was sure he was a demon.
This curly-haired lass was whistling, which annoyed me to no end. He didn't seem interested in hunting necessarily. I didn't know or care what he was doing. I just wanted that pasty white demon out of my woods and off my land.
When the demon got close enough to us, JoJo the Great Black Bear jumped out in front of him and growled fiercely while putting his arms way in the air.
The demon jumped back and nearly tripped over himself. He screamed as his eyes widened at my powerful bear husband.
Old Duck then screamed, "Charge!" and quacked like hell as he charged at the demon.
"What the hell?" the demon screamed in his guttural accent (which you may know as a Scottish accent).
Little Snake went to the side of the demon and started wrapping herself around him slowly. She sniffed him and was hissing softly. I think she was aroused.
The demon tried to get her off of him as he was screaming, but she was giggling and wrapping herself around him tighter. He couldn't cut her with his knife because she wrapped herself around his wrists. Little Snake was a smart and sweet woman.
I was chattering out of frustration that the demon had the NERVE TO WHISTLE IN THE WOODS!!! HE WAS AN ASSHOLE! I was frustrated about many things.
Brutus the Bull snorted, approached him, and stared him down.
The demon looked at Brutus the Bull's green eyes helplessly. Plauo the Possum and Gabby walked next to him on each side and stared at him in a threatening manner. Gabby angrily meowed at him.
Old Duck quacked at him. "What are you doing here?!!!!" he squawked.
Somehow, the demon was able to translate animal noises. "I was just walking in the woods," he answered in that guttural accent.
JoJo the Great Black Bear growled again. "No. No human just walks in the woods with a knife," he said.
Little Snake was holding his knife to his side while her tongue trailed along his cheek. "Mmmm... human flesh," she said with a giggle.
"Well, I have a knife to defend myself in case, this happens..." the demon said with an awkward smile. Awkward was a good word to describe the demon, really.
"You're defending yourself so well," JoJo the Great Black Bear said sarcastically. "So answer Old Duck's question: Why are you here?"
"Like I said, I was strolling the woods absent-mindedly. I do that when I'm looking for inspiration," the demon said. Little Snake wrapped herself up to him and kissed his cheek with her small tongue.
"Inspiration? You're looking for inspiration when there is a war going on?" JoJo the Great Black Bear asked incredulously.
"Well, I'm trying to figure out how to really capture what is happening in a story. You do realize this war will determine the future of this land," the demon said.
It was my turn to speak to the demon. I jumped on his face and hissed at him. "Yes, we know, you curly-haired asshole! That's why we're trying to figure out how to take our land back from you jerks!" I said before I chattered in his ear. I even managed to hiss at him.
"Aaahhhh!!! Rabid squirrel!!!" the demon screamed as he wiggled to try to get me off of him.
"Yes. She is my wife, Siouxie the Squirrel," JoJo the Great Black Bear said with pride.
I hissed loudly in the demon's face. I bared my teeth and everything.
"She will fuck you up," JoJo the Great Black Bear said.
Old Duck quacked three times. Murphee howled three times. Gabby meowed three times. Little Snake hissed three times before squeezing him softly. Plauo the Possum clicked three times. Brutus the Bull bellowed three times.
"I say. What the hell is going on?"a refined British accent asked.
Old Duck quacked angrily and charged at the sound of the British male. "Fuck you! Get the fuck off our land!" he screamed.
Murphee howled and followed Old Duck. "I will rip you the fuck apart!" he screamed.
Gabby meowed. "Begone Brit!!!" he screamed in a deep, menacing voice.
"Calm thyselves. I come in peace," the male with the refined British accent said.
I looked to see a mongoose running around. Little Snake instantly went after him and yelled, "State your business!!!"
Old Duck quacked three times. Murphee howled three times. Gabby meowed three times. JoJo the Great Black Bear growled three times. Plauo the Possum clicked three times. Brutus the Bull bellowed three times. I chattered three times.
The mongoose let out a scream. "I am escaping the war!!! I need back-up. The humans have gone mad!" he said. I just now noticed the mongoose had a crown.
I jumped off the demon's face and approached the mongoose. "Why is royalty in our woods?!" I screamed and hissed.
"My God! I am trying to get away from my mad prince. He is General Cornwallis. He is murdering by the hundreds!" the mongoose screamed. "I feel sick to my stomach knowing there is needless bloodshed!"
"I, too, am sick to my stomach knowing that there is needless bloodshed! Mongoose, you must join us!" Little Snake yelled.
"Who are you? What is this organization?" the mongoose asked.
JoJo the Great Black Bear approached the mongoose. "We are the Secret Society of Woodland Creatures. We fight justice. We question the Establishment! We do well and good! We help animal kind. Fuck humans. Sorry..." he said as he looked to the demon who was scribbling notes in his notepad. "Who the fuck are you?"
"Shamus. Shamus G. Parker," the demon answered as he looked at JoJo the Great Black Bear while continuing to write in his notepad.
"Fuck you, Shamus," JoJo the Great Black Bear said.
"Well, fine! You guys are the meanest animals ever. Hmmmph!!" Shamus said as he folded his arms and pouted. He left his notepad and pencil in his lap. He was rather childish for being so tall.
I walked up to him and rubbed up against his right hip. I chattered softly.
"You're weird. First you want to rip my face off, and then you want my affection," Shamus said as he pet me.
I nuzzled his tummy and ruffled up what he wrote by accident. There was a small little pouch in his tummy. I laid on his notepad to show my approval of his existence and moved his pencil to his hand. He put the pencil in his pocket.
"My wife has taken to you, I see," JoJo the Great Black Bear said.
"I'm not sure why," Shamus said with an awkward smile.
"Your inspiration shall be to join us in the fight against the Brits," JoJo the Great Black Bear said.
"Well, as much as I'd like to, I can't. I'm from Scotland, so I'm technically a Brit myself," Shamus said awkwardly as he smiled.
"So you betray us?" JoJo the Great Black Bear asked.
"Well..." Shamus said as he pet me. "How can I when such a cute little squirrel is in my lap?"
I chattered as I allowed Shamus to pet me.
"Good answer," Brutus the Bull said. "Join us, or die!!!!"
"Well, I don't feel suicidal today," Shamus said. "I will join."
Old Duck quacked happily and waddled over to him. "We now induct you, Shamus the Human, into the Secret Society of Woodland Creatures!"
Murphee howled three times. Gabby meowed three times. Brutus the Bull bellowed three times.
"Wait! I, too, would like to join! I am Sir Carrington from London, and I denounce my claim to the English throne!!!! At least until my forefathers return to England to start afresh. I have no business being on this strange land to fight men with whom I have no quarrel. I fight for my brethren! Not against them!" the mongoose screamed with pride.
Little Snake hissed loudly three times. "May I honor and induct him, JoJo the Great Black Bear?" she asked him.
"You may," JoJo the Great Black Bear said.
"We now induct you, Sir Carrington the Mongoose from London, into the Secret Society of Woodland Creatures!" Little Snake said excitedly.
Plauo the Possum clicked three times. Brutus the Bull bellowed three times. Old Duck quacked three times. I chattered three times. JoJo the Great Black Bear growled three times.
Everyone except Shamus and Sir Carrington was making his or her respective animal noises. Shamus started whistling because apparently, that's a human noise.
"Thank ye," Shamus said.
Sir Carrington screeched out of excitement.
Shamus and the rest of us jumped away from Sir Carrington. Shamus picked up his notepad and stuffed it back into his backpack. I had just then noticed his backpack.
"What the fuck was that?!" Shamus said in his most guttural accent as he stared at Sir Carrington with wide eyes.
Sir Carrington screeched again. "That is the noise I make when I am excited!" he exclaimed in his refined British accent.
"Great! We can use that for our battle cry!" Old Duck said as he quacked.
"Agreed! Now, we attack at second or third light, depending on when we wake up," JoJo The Great Black Bear said.
"Why not first?" asked Shamus.
"Most of us aren't morning people," I answered.
"Hm. Can we try third? I hate afternoons," Shamus said.
"Yes! Fine with us!" Old Duck said with a quack.
Murphee howled three times. Gabby meowed three times.
"Can we start at the very end of the third light? I'm not a night person," Brutus the Bull said.
"Jeebus Nuts! Let's just attack now! Nobody can fucking agree on anything in this stupid group!" I yelled with an angry chatter.
Shamus screamed a battle cry. "Okay! Fuck everybody!" he yelled.
JoJo the Great Black Bear growled. "Fuck everybody!!!"
Old Duck quacked and starting charging toward the human camps. "Fuck everybody!!!" he shouted.
Plauo the Possum clicked and ran with Old Duck. "Fuck everybody... AND ANY FORM OF GOVERNMENT!!!! AND THE COMMIES!!" he screamed.
Little Snake slithered. "Fuck almost everybody... Don't kill women and children!!!"
Murphee howled and followed Old Duck. "Fuck everybody!!!!!" he yelled.
Gabby meowed loudly and ran with Murphee. "Fuck everybody," he said in a deep voice.
Brutus the Bull charged. "Fuck everybody!!!!" he yelled.
Sir Carrington ran with Little Snake before screeching loudly. "I screeched because swearing doesn't sound threatening with a British accent," he added as he continued to run.
JoJo the Great Black Bear took up the rear as we ran into battle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The Battle of Yorktown, October 1781 (because the exact date is questionable. I don't know. I'm a squirrel!!!)
That son of a bitch Cornwallis was still existing... on my land. We recruited many animals to help us fight for our land.
To make things worse, even bigger assholes than the British came over into our land. Stank ass, hairy ass French people. Nutty Shit, they smelled like Limburger. They sounded snooty and made my nose curl up. I think their noses curled up because they could smell each other. Nutty Shit, do they know what a stream and some oil soap is? My God.
The smell of the French killed many of us and even made my husband gag. They even brought over skunks to help defeat us. Those bastards repopulated all over my woods, which really pissed me off.
We started this buffalo shit fight five years ago. None of the main animals died yet, which had been a miracle in itself.
Sir Carrington and Little Snake got married last year and were then making lizards with two legs. They looked like tiny T-Rexes.
JoJo the Great Black Bear and I had four tiny black cubs named Annabelle, Kissy, Pooh, and Paddington the Great Black Bear. JoJo the Great Black Bear felt the need to mix with the Brits because we were conquering their land now. They were young warriors who chattered when they went into battle.
Old Duck was on his last webbed foot as he was aging. The rest of us urged him not to fight, but to strategize our attacks.
Murphee had become bigger and stronger than ever. He had a high kill-count.
Gabby was middle-aged, but he still fought well.
Plauo the Possum assassinated hundreds of British and French men. He was a possum that was not to be fucked with. He single-handedly ambushed a small scouting party the night before last.
Brutus the Bull literally ran over hundreds of humans every day and even stuck his horns through several of them. He then ate some of the fatter bodies when he was hungry.
Shamus was still fighting along us. I saved his ass many times in battle, but he was still a great distraction for men and women alike while I killed most of the Brits around him. A woman soldier who pretended to be a man had relations with Shamus and stole his sperm. Shamus was pissed at me for a few months for not stopping her, but he forgave me when his son, Mortimer J. Parker was born. Mortimer was a beautiful boy with red curly hair, bright green eyes, and porcelain skin.
When the Battle of Yorktown began, General George Washington led the attack. He was one of the only Free Masons I ever liked. Everyone liked him. He was a man who was a gentleman, served his community, and advocated for animal rights. We allowed him to join the Secret Society of Woodland Creatures once Cornwallis surrendered.
Now the best part about this war was when I did a sneak attack on that fat, pompous bastard, Cornwallis. He had the ugliest and stinkiest powdered wig and the ugliest teeth I had ever had the displeasure of seeing in my entire life. He was also an even bigger asshole than Shamus could ever be. His breath alone could kill hundreds. He turned into a dragon in battle. He was not allowed to join the Secret Society of Woodland Creatures.
We fought like hell. We shouted battle cries! But Cornwallis's men were taking us out. Plauo the Possum finally kicked the bucket when some asshole violently stuck a pitchfork in him. The next to go was Brutus the Bull. It took five men to kill him. Then, some buck-toothed human asshole shot Murphee.
My heart was broken, and I was raging. In the Battle of Yorktown, I killed literally 500 men out of grief, frustration, and desperation to finally get my land back. Even the other animals were in shock. JoJo the Great Black Bear had to cover our cubs' eyes to keep them innocent from their raging mother.
Cornwallis was running away to take a piss. That was my golden opportunity to take him down. I sneaked around the trees to see that fat, pompous asshole drop his pants. He was taking a nice leak in the woods and laughing. He sounded like an asshole.
As a steady stream of piss was escaping him, I charged in and jumped up to bite his large, hairy testicles. I was hungry and angry at the same time, so I was gnawing at his nuts while holding onto his testicles. I was eating his pubic hair to spite him and nourish myself. He was trying everything in his power to get me off his nuts. He screamed and swore. His most repeated quote was "Get off my nuts! Get off my nuts!"
I wouldn't get off his nuts. For one thing, I was enjoying causing pain to the man that led the attacks on my land for five years. Also, I enjoyed the taste of hot testicle blood and pubic hair in my mouth. I chattered out of twisted enjoyment.
Cornwallis was screaming bloody murder as he tried using both hands to pry me off his nuts. "Auuughhgghgfgh! Get off my nuts, you nutty squirrel!!!" He was stretching my body, but I didn't care. My claws and teeth had a death grip on his poor nutsack.
George Washington and the other humans came over to see what was going on. They saw Cornwallis and were speechless. George Washington was actually chuckling out of stress and anxiety.
"Fuck you guys! Don't just stand there like BUFFOONS!!! Get her off my nuts!!!" He screamed as he tried again to yank me off his now destroyed testicles. Cornwallis had a hell of a time explaining to his wife what happened in the "American Revolutionary" War.
Cornwallis's men tried to yank me off his ball sack, but I turned to them and hissed loudly.
They backed off and screamed in surprise.
"HELP ME!!!!" Cornwallis screamed as he cried and started to give up.
"Oh sure. I'll help you, but under one condition," George Washington said with a sadistic smile. Free Masons are a sadistic bunch.
"Anything!" Cornwallis cried dramatically.
I moaned as I enjoyed the taste of his bloody nuts. I was sure his junk was torn to pieces.
JoJo the Great Black Bear continued to cover our children's eyes. It was too gruesome for normal people to see, much less young impressionable cubs.
George Washington laughed a hearty laugh. "Surrender your cause and declare the Free Masons winners of this Revolutionary War," he decreed.
"Fine! Fine! Just get this crazy bitch off my nuts!" Cornwallis screamed.
"Siouxie, release the nuts," George Washington said.
I sighed before jumping off of Cornwallis's testicles. One of his pubic hairs was hanging out of my mouth as I scurried to George Washington's left side.
Cornwallis pulled his pants up slowly and whimpered.
"Fuck you, Cornwallis. You and your armies are pieces of shit," I said before I angrily chattered.
"You fucked me up all right! You ruined any chance of having children normally. I'm probably going to die of an testicle infection!" Cornwallis said.
"Well, maybe you shouldn't take a piss in the middle of a war then," George Washington said.
And that was how I helped the "Americans" and stankass French defeat the disease-ridden, crooked-toothed Brits.