Kirby's Recurring Nightmare, part 1
A/N: Christmas holiday drama at its finest for the fifth year in a row, narrated by Jim Cummings, the voice actor for the Robotnik in the 1993 Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon
Around November and December of every year, Kirby has a horrible nightmare about bad food, family drama, and stupid bullshit.
King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear was the first bear to scream this year. He was dehydrated and ate a nastyass rotisserie chicken. "What the fuck happened?!" he shouted.
"They froze that chicken for 30 years," I said.
"Uuuugghhh! Uuuuuugggghhhh! Uyuuuuhgggh!" King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear muttered as he was shuddering. He drank water. "Oh God! I have to get that taste out of my mouth." He continued to drink that jug of water like it was a pot of honey.
Pooh Bear, my son, was eating honey out of the honey comb like it was a water jug.
Tigger bounced around again. "Hoohoohoohoo!" he shouted.
The happy go-lucky King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear was in his tree and peeing from a branch. Most of his urine landed on Tigger.
"GEE! I'm getting p-p-pissedth on AGAIN!!!" Tigger shouted as he bounced out of the way.
Riley from The Boondocks walked out of the tree and said, "If you don't want to get pissed on, just move out the way."
Whoopie Goldberg then walked out of her billion-dollar mansion and saw the madness. "Maybe this is why you don't drop acid when you first get out of bed," she said.
Robotnik's theme song started to play in the background before Robotnik himself arrived at the scene with his goofy walk: https://youtu.be/Tx-oMRYpH4U?si=4Lsi-rzakjGabPSg. He exploded.
"Babylon HAS NOT GOTTEN UP yet!" he announced from the pit of ashes that was formerly his body.
"Good to know, Robotnik. Thank you," King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear said with laughter.
The Rock Fish in the Mississippi River was a complete self-centered, self-important, self-righteous asshole with no concept of how to be thankful for anything. He was 59 years old and 12 feet long and still hadn't grown up or learned much of anything. That's where being a Neanderthal who takes testosterone and eats 40,000 calories a day gets you. He isn't any different from the rest of his Neanderthal family, really. In fact, he's worse because he had plenty of time to know better. Plus, he used to eat raccoons on purpose.
Sure I felt bad for his head being a rock, but Kings Chocolate-covered Gummy Bears, Nicole Blunt, Donald Trump, Kamala Harris, Patches and her twin, King Bruce Ace, Queen Megara Ace, and I had been cooking Thanksgiving dinners for him for six days now. He could have focused on what we were doing for him instead of his own self-centered, self-important, self-righteous giant head. It was his own fault anyway. "No Sleep Till Brooklyn" is still a dumb way to live. How about taking a few herbs, drinking carp and red, red wine, and actually sleeping?! And I can't believe he needed to manifest a doctor to tell him the same thing I just did! I told him in more detail than the doctor/death dealer did. The Rock Fish continued to be a complete idiot.
I am sicker of dumbass people and dumbass holidays around me than ever. Even the Grinch was shocked at how little holiday spirit I have. So naturally I flipped the fuck out and threw a table at Kamala Harris and other random objects at strangers walking down the street. I even dropkicked a TV out of five-story apartment and yelled "Dotyyylllllllltrre" like Benson from Regular Show did after he listened to an anger management tape.
I told people seven years ago that I was sick of this damn shit. I cussed my mom the fuck out for six and a half years in a row before this year. This year, I refrained from cussing her out. I just told her she was right because I don't have the energy to tell her she inadvertently always proves my points.
Mr. Williamson, Ted the Alligator, and Jack the Crocodile joined the drama by bringing gluten-free and vegan dishes to Christmas dinner.
"Finally! Someone who understands my dietary restrictions!" Jaybird shouted before he squawked.
The cats named Patches hissed in stereo. Then they growled a song that the Grinch was moved by.
"Such a WONDERFUL sound!" the Grinch said dramatically.
This is what the fuck I gotta say to the Rock Fish:
"Well, I'm dropping off the food in YOUR REALITY. I don't have room in my reality for your stupid dumb fucking bullshit! AND I TOLD YOU THE SAME SHIT THAT DAMN DOCTOR/DEATH DEALER TOLD YOU BUT IN MORE DETAIL. YOU ARE REALLY PISSING ME OFF TODAY!
You are the most self-centered, self-important piece of rock shit I've ever fucking met in my fucking life!!!!!!! You're an asshole, Mr. Rock.
I am going out of my way to make a nice holiday for you, and you COMPLETELY ruined mine over your stupid fuckass head!
Get it together and learn to actually be thankful!!!! You're 59 years old and you're still clueless about what being THANKFUL is or what the word fucking means!"
This is what the fuck the Rock Fish gotta say:
"Wait a cotton-picking minute! When I woke up this morning, I found one of my quills in a stream of six miles of piss. I swam in it! That's what sent me into a different reality. Calm the fuck down; I'm back to this reality.
These holidays gave me a headache, stressed me the fuck out. Calm the fuck down.
I couldn't tell you how many times I've been called self-centered, self-important, and self-righteous, an asshole, monster, a foul one, and a heart with an empty hole. You forgot to mention self-absorbed." He laughed like PeeWee Herman.
"I'VE BEEN CALLED THOSE THINGS, TOO!!" the Grinch shouted.
The Kings Chocolate-covered Gummy Bears growled and shouted. "STUPID! N*GGERS! Please eat and shut the fuck up both of you. This is what the fuck I gotta say: Fuck these pointless scruffles, number 1. Now that we got that out of the way. Number 2, I hate these God-forsaken holidays. Ten years ago, there was an epic battle with over-cooked flaxseed brownies. I hated those evil brownies, Mama Bear's malfunctioning oven, and my degenerate family. Every year, something fucked up happens. In 713 A.D., Mama Bear growled loud and walked the fuck out of the forest. We didn't see her until a month later, around Saint Nicholas's birthday. Number 3, All I want is for everyone to be thankful and shut the shut the shut the fuck up."
"GIVE ME A BREAK! GIVE ME A BREAK! BREAK ME OFF A PIECE OF SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!" I sang loudly.
The two cats named Patches meowed in slow motion. Their eyes were wide open, and their mouths were open for a minute/minute and a half. They meowed until my ears bled.
Angry King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear growled. "I'm never going this again! Stressed me out! Drove to the grocery store, took 30 separate trips for everyone, spent 7000 gold for you assholes to start squawking bullshit. Don't ask me to do anything again!" he screamed before he bleated.
He has done the same thing for the past six years. It all started in 2019 when Colonel America for America wanted an extravagant Thanksgiving feast for just Murphee the Ace of Munching, Gabby, King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear, himself, and me.
Cody howled loudly to Swahili singing like he does every year. The Hatari (762 A.D.) world joined us for Christmas.
"Oh fuck not this bad theatrical performance AGAIN!" Peter growled as he drank a shot of his Evan Williams and tried to manifest the Little Safari World from Toto's 'Africa'. "These holidays are too much. They are back to back at the end of the year. SEPARATE THEM A LITTLE!!!"
Then the song 'Africa' by Toto played in the background:
https://youtu.be/FTQbiNvZqaY?si=U_Z2pyFA5M-alD3M
Around November and December of every year, Kirby has a horrible nightmare about bad food, family drama, and stupid bullshit.
King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear was the first bear to scream this year. He was dehydrated and ate a nastyass rotisserie chicken. "What the fuck happened?!" he shouted.
"They froze that chicken for 30 years," I said.
"Uuuugghhh! Uuuuuugggghhhh! Uyuuuuhgggh!" King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear muttered as he was shuddering. He drank water. "Oh God! I have to get that taste out of my mouth." He continued to drink that jug of water like it was a pot of honey.
Pooh Bear, my son, was eating honey out of the honey comb like it was a water jug.
Tigger bounced around again. "Hoohoohoohoo!" he shouted.
The happy go-lucky King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear was in his tree and peeing from a branch. Most of his urine landed on Tigger.
"GEE! I'm getting p-p-pissedth on AGAIN!!!" Tigger shouted as he bounced out of the way.
Riley from The Boondocks walked out of the tree and said, "If you don't want to get pissed on, just move out the way."
Whoopie Goldberg then walked out of her billion-dollar mansion and saw the madness. "Maybe this is why you don't drop acid when you first get out of bed," she said.
Robotnik's theme song started to play in the background before Robotnik himself arrived at the scene with his goofy walk: https://youtu.be/Tx-oMRYpH4U?si=4Lsi-rzakjGabPSg. He exploded.
"Babylon HAS NOT GOTTEN UP yet!" he announced from the pit of ashes that was formerly his body.
"Good to know, Robotnik. Thank you," King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear said with laughter.
The Rock Fish in the Mississippi River was a complete self-centered, self-important, self-righteous asshole with no concept of how to be thankful for anything. He was 59 years old and 12 feet long and still hadn't grown up or learned much of anything. That's where being a Neanderthal who takes testosterone and eats 40,000 calories a day gets you. He isn't any different from the rest of his Neanderthal family, really. In fact, he's worse because he had plenty of time to know better. Plus, he used to eat raccoons on purpose.
Sure I felt bad for his head being a rock, but Kings Chocolate-covered Gummy Bears, Nicole Blunt, Donald Trump, Kamala Harris, Patches and her twin, King Bruce Ace, Queen Megara Ace, and I had been cooking Thanksgiving dinners for him for six days now. He could have focused on what we were doing for him instead of his own self-centered, self-important, self-righteous giant head. It was his own fault anyway. "No Sleep Till Brooklyn" is still a dumb way to live. How about taking a few herbs, drinking carp and red, red wine, and actually sleeping?! And I can't believe he needed to manifest a doctor to tell him the same thing I just did! I told him in more detail than the doctor/death dealer did. The Rock Fish continued to be a complete idiot.
I am sicker of dumbass people and dumbass holidays around me than ever. Even the Grinch was shocked at how little holiday spirit I have. So naturally I flipped the fuck out and threw a table at Kamala Harris and other random objects at strangers walking down the street. I even dropkicked a TV out of five-story apartment and yelled "Dotyyylllllllltrre" like Benson from Regular Show did after he listened to an anger management tape.
I told people seven years ago that I was sick of this damn shit. I cussed my mom the fuck out for six and a half years in a row before this year. This year, I refrained from cussing her out. I just told her she was right because I don't have the energy to tell her she inadvertently always proves my points.
Mr. Williamson, Ted the Alligator, and Jack the Crocodile joined the drama by bringing gluten-free and vegan dishes to Christmas dinner.
"Finally! Someone who understands my dietary restrictions!" Jaybird shouted before he squawked.
The cats named Patches hissed in stereo. Then they growled a song that the Grinch was moved by.
"Such a WONDERFUL sound!" the Grinch said dramatically.
This is what the fuck I gotta say to the Rock Fish:
"Well, I'm dropping off the food in YOUR REALITY. I don't have room in my reality for your stupid dumb fucking bullshit! AND I TOLD YOU THE SAME SHIT THAT DAMN DOCTOR/DEATH DEALER TOLD YOU BUT IN MORE DETAIL. YOU ARE REALLY PISSING ME OFF TODAY!
You are the most self-centered, self-important piece of rock shit I've ever fucking met in my fucking life!!!!!!! You're an asshole, Mr. Rock.
I am going out of my way to make a nice holiday for you, and you COMPLETELY ruined mine over your stupid fuckass head!
Get it together and learn to actually be thankful!!!! You're 59 years old and you're still clueless about what being THANKFUL is or what the word fucking means!"
This is what the fuck the Rock Fish gotta say:
"Wait a cotton-picking minute! When I woke up this morning, I found one of my quills in a stream of six miles of piss. I swam in it! That's what sent me into a different reality. Calm the fuck down; I'm back to this reality.
These holidays gave me a headache, stressed me the fuck out. Calm the fuck down.
I couldn't tell you how many times I've been called self-centered, self-important, and self-righteous, an asshole, monster, a foul one, and a heart with an empty hole. You forgot to mention self-absorbed." He laughed like PeeWee Herman.
"I'VE BEEN CALLED THOSE THINGS, TOO!!" the Grinch shouted.
The Kings Chocolate-covered Gummy Bears growled and shouted. "STUPID! N*GGERS! Please eat and shut the fuck up both of you. This is what the fuck I gotta say: Fuck these pointless scruffles, number 1. Now that we got that out of the way. Number 2, I hate these God-forsaken holidays. Ten years ago, there was an epic battle with over-cooked flaxseed brownies. I hated those evil brownies, Mama Bear's malfunctioning oven, and my degenerate family. Every year, something fucked up happens. In 713 A.D., Mama Bear growled loud and walked the fuck out of the forest. We didn't see her until a month later, around Saint Nicholas's birthday. Number 3, All I want is for everyone to be thankful and shut the shut the shut the fuck up."
"GIVE ME A BREAK! GIVE ME A BREAK! BREAK ME OFF A PIECE OF SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!" I sang loudly.
The two cats named Patches meowed in slow motion. Their eyes were wide open, and their mouths were open for a minute/minute and a half. They meowed until my ears bled.
Angry King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear growled. "I'm never going this again! Stressed me out! Drove to the grocery store, took 30 separate trips for everyone, spent 7000 gold for you assholes to start squawking bullshit. Don't ask me to do anything again!" he screamed before he bleated.
He has done the same thing for the past six years. It all started in 2019 when Colonel America for America wanted an extravagant Thanksgiving feast for just Murphee the Ace of Munching, Gabby, King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear, himself, and me.
Cody howled loudly to Swahili singing like he does every year. The Hatari (762 A.D.) world joined us for Christmas.
"Oh fuck not this bad theatrical performance AGAIN!" Peter growled as he drank a shot of his Evan Williams and tried to manifest the Little Safari World from Toto's 'Africa'. "These holidays are too much. They are back to back at the end of the year. SEPARATE THEM A LITTLE!!!"
Then the song 'Africa' by Toto played in the background:
https://youtu.be/FTQbiNvZqaY?si=U_Z2pyFA5M-alD3M