Why Are You Putting My Good Hand Towel In The Toilet? (Peter POV)
Why Are You Putting My Good Hand Towel in the Toilet?! (Peter POV)
I walked into the bathroom because as usual, I had to pee. I probably had to poop, too, but I wasn't sure. My bowels and I have a strained relationship. But that's not the worst thing that was happening in my life right now. Xara, my horrible housekeeper, was using my GOOD hand towel to clean my toilet? What the hell?
"Why the hell are you using my good hand towel to clean my fucking toilet?" I asked her with my trademark sigh. That woman along with everything else in my fucking life made me sigh all the time.
"Well, your toilet brush is falling apart. The bristles fall off the brush if I so much as LOOK at the damn thing!" she yelled at me. That woman was always yelling at me.
"I have a Donald Trump toilet brush you can use!" I yelled back.
"Yeah, dude. It's hanging from your ceiling! I am not about to go on a ladder and fetch it! Get the fuck out of here, Peter," she said.
"Well, you don't need to fucking use my good hand towel either!" I screamed.
"Hey. At least I'm not using my tongue," she said with a giggle as she batted her gray eyes at me. What the hell? Why does she always say and do weird stuff to me like that? Come on.
"I WASN'T expecting you to!!!!" I yelled incredulously and sighed very loudly. "God!!! I mean, you can use one of your cleaning rags or a cleaning brush. Why the hell do you need to use my. good. hand. towel?" I started gritting my teeth and balling my fists up tightly.
"Your cleaning rags are all used because some jerkface asshole hasn't done the laundry in a couple of weeks. And your cleaning brush is losing bristles like you're losing brain cells," she answered. This bitch was obsessed with IQs and losing brain cells, I swear. She loved to talk about how her IQ was dwindling every time she saw me. Like it's my fault she's retarded. I wasn't the asshole that put her head in the ceiling fan when she was three years old. Good grief.
"Have you thought about just not friggin' touching my toilet?" I asked her as I continued to grit my teeth.
She laughed at me as usual. "Yes. But fuck you, Peter Parker, you asshole, I'm going to touch your toilet anyway," she answered.
"You talk to your boss like that?" I asked.
"I want to say worse to my tall, awkward, pain in the ass (and not in a good way, either), curly-haired boss from hell," she said with a smile as she shoved my good hand towel deep in the toilet.
I made a loud, gritting sound with my teeth and stared at her intently. It was official. I wanted to kill her. But something stopped me. Maybe it was the fact that I admittedly found her cute. Plus, I had to pee. Maybe I had to poop, too.
"All right. You're done. Get out of my bathroom. I really need to pee," I said. I could feel my bowels moving.
"Come on, Peter. I just cleaned the toilet. But I have a better idea," she said as she grinned mischievously. "Why don't you pee outside?"
I rolled my eyes and then walked over to her. "Xara, you're not serious," I said with a smirk. "Get the fuck out of here. I really gotta gooooooo!!!"
"But I am. I am trying to keep this toilet clean," she said with a smile.
I felt a strong urge to pee. "Xara! Come on. Go on. Get out of here," I whined. I could feel a stream of urine about to exit out of me. Oh piss. Oh shit. Oh no.
All of a sudden, I pushed her out of the way before I opened the window, pulled my dick out of the hole in my pajama bottoms, and peed out of the window. I looked up at the ceiling and tried to pretend none of this was happening. Oh man, I couldn't believe I was peeing on the roof. As awkward as the situation felt, it was about to get worse. At least I was relieved, or thought I was.
Before I knew it, I felt a strong urge to take a dump, so I put the seat down, sat down, and exploded in the toilet. I breathed and was relieved that I stopped for just a moment. Uh oh. I felt myself have to go again. Just as I began to wipe myself while using a personal lubricant, I went again.
"Oh Lord! Please forgive me for every sin I have done in the last 54 years!" I screamed. The toilet was decimated, and my rear end was really sore.
I looked over and to my horror, I saw Xara staring at me. I made a "Whoa" noise. I squirmed on the toilet and screamed. "Why are you still here?! Good God, Xara, you're so weird, I swear!!!!"
Xara was laughing her head off as she normally does. Her heart looked like it was going to leap out of her chest. "I'm sorry, Peter. I would have left, but your bathroom experience was the finest performance I've ever seen," she said before laughing again. "I'm not sure whether to be ar-amused or disgusted." She snorted when she laughed.
I courtesy flushed and was speechless. "You're so crazy," I said as I stared at her incredulously. "Why on Earth did you not escape?"
"I couldn't. I was mesmerized by you taking an impromptu dump in front of me. I am still in disbelief," she said as she smiled widely. "Doesn't smell too bad in here, either."
"Says the crazy wench who sent me a picture of Donald Trump toilet paper with poop coloring his toupee! Didn't help that your menses was on that piece of toilet paper, either. Lord have mercy. Jesus. I can't unsee that," I said. "I'm still mentally-scarred." I then started to wipe my ass again using more personal lubricant.
She grinned and stuffed the hand towel in her white apron. "Well, that was hilarious, but you taking a dump in front of me was absolutely golden. Hahahahaha. And I'm keeping this hand towel. It might have some of your DNA on it. I need to make an army of Peters to take over the world," she said. "I might have one in my closet for when I need someone to tickle while Joebear is at work." Joebear was her sexy bear husband who was angrier than she was. He also had many talents, including tickling.
"Xara, you're so crazy! Sure. That's what you want to do. Tickle me. Hahahaha." I said before I felt the pipes in my toilet about to burst. "No really. You gotta get out of here."
"You need to finish?" she asked.
"No. It's worse!" I yelled before there was a nuclear explosion out of my toilet. An endless stream of water erupted from my toilet and started flooding the bathroom. "TAKE COVER!!!"
Xara was swimming in the toilet water before the door exploded and a flood whooshed out of the bathroom to invade the rest of the house. My poor mother was walking in the hallway, God bless her soul. She looked up at the giant wave that kept coming out of the bathroom and into the whole house.
"My Goodness, Peter, what happened?!" my mother asked.
"EVERYTHING. And I'm sorry. I'll never do it again!" I screamed before the pipes exploded even more. "Aaaaagggfghhhhhhhhhh!!!"
Godiva threw her hands in the air. "I'm telling you the truth! This is the fourth toilet to break in our house in the last two years. What is going on? Do I need to install an outhouse in the back yard with the rest of my toilet garden?" she asked before a tidal wave pushed her down the stairs.
(I still HATE that toilet garden. My mother revived it just to spite me after I went ape shit a year and a half ago and used an axe to annihilate it. I yelled back then, "Get the fuck out of my driveway" to the toilets. The one with the Venus flytrap nearly stripped me naked, which the neighbors seemed to enjoy.)
Xara was swimming in the water and laughing. She could barely breathe from the smell and shock of it all. Did she deserve it? Sure why not? Ever since I met her two years ago, my life has been an absolute nightmare. May she drown in my toilet water! It is the only justice she deserves. Ha ha.
My father wheeled out to see what the smell was. "Oh Lord," he said as he tried to escape the ever growing wave. He then sailed out of the house in the toilet water. Good Lord. The neighbors could probably see the flood coming out of my house. I was embarrassed beyond belief. The entire contents of my toilet lay waste in the neighborhood.
To make matters worse, another bane of my existence, Ted the Alligator, was swimming in my toilet water and enjoying it. He had another crocodile friend with him.
"Drain the swamp! Drain the swamp!" he and his friend chanted.
"Hey Xara. How are you?" Ted asked.
"Well, I'm confused. I'm not sure how I should feel right now. I'm swimming in my complete asshole boss's toilet water, so I am just speechless," she answered before she cried with laughter. "Who is your friend?"
Ted laughed, too. "Well, it's nice in here," he said as he swam along. "Plenty of food here."
"My name is Jack," the crocodile said.
Xara laughed and kept swimming. "Nice to meet you, Jack."
"What is that smell?!" Xara's client who owned Ted asked. "That's awful. Smells like the sewer exploded here. Ted, Jack, can we get out of here?"
No one answered. We were all too embarrassed. I was thankful he was partially blind. I sat on the toilet in the middle of my driveway. The bottom half of me was completely covered in toilet water. I just stared at the neighborhood in complete and utter shock.
At least I wasn't alone. It was ironic that I was now part of the toilet garden I sought to destroy fairly recently. To further the irony, the bottom half of me was mostly naked minus my extremely wet socks. My pajama pants and underwear were lost somewhere in the toilet water and might possibly be in the front yard. The Venus Flytrap was revived and grinning at me. I couldn't escape my fate because my neighbors were watching. It's not that I minded being half-naked in front of other people. Hell, I used to be a porn star. It's the fact that I have soiled toilet water on me, and that's a bit much for me to show off for free. I would literally charge my neighbors $20 each just to see me show myself covered in toilet water. And because I'm Peter W. Parker, the drywall finisher with fuck luck, I was the head piece of the toilet garden. Only me.
The End
I walked into the bathroom because as usual, I had to pee. I probably had to poop, too, but I wasn't sure. My bowels and I have a strained relationship. But that's not the worst thing that was happening in my life right now. Xara, my horrible housekeeper, was using my GOOD hand towel to clean my toilet? What the hell?
"Why the hell are you using my good hand towel to clean my fucking toilet?" I asked her with my trademark sigh. That woman along with everything else in my fucking life made me sigh all the time.
"Well, your toilet brush is falling apart. The bristles fall off the brush if I so much as LOOK at the damn thing!" she yelled at me. That woman was always yelling at me.
"I have a Donald Trump toilet brush you can use!" I yelled back.
"Yeah, dude. It's hanging from your ceiling! I am not about to go on a ladder and fetch it! Get the fuck out of here, Peter," she said.
"Well, you don't need to fucking use my good hand towel either!" I screamed.
"Hey. At least I'm not using my tongue," she said with a giggle as she batted her gray eyes at me. What the hell? Why does she always say and do weird stuff to me like that? Come on.
"I WASN'T expecting you to!!!!" I yelled incredulously and sighed very loudly. "God!!! I mean, you can use one of your cleaning rags or a cleaning brush. Why the hell do you need to use my. good. hand. towel?" I started gritting my teeth and balling my fists up tightly.
"Your cleaning rags are all used because some jerkface asshole hasn't done the laundry in a couple of weeks. And your cleaning brush is losing bristles like you're losing brain cells," she answered. This bitch was obsessed with IQs and losing brain cells, I swear. She loved to talk about how her IQ was dwindling every time she saw me. Like it's my fault she's retarded. I wasn't the asshole that put her head in the ceiling fan when she was three years old. Good grief.
"Have you thought about just not friggin' touching my toilet?" I asked her as I continued to grit my teeth.
She laughed at me as usual. "Yes. But fuck you, Peter Parker, you asshole, I'm going to touch your toilet anyway," she answered.
"You talk to your boss like that?" I asked.
"I want to say worse to my tall, awkward, pain in the ass (and not in a good way, either), curly-haired boss from hell," she said with a smile as she shoved my good hand towel deep in the toilet.
I made a loud, gritting sound with my teeth and stared at her intently. It was official. I wanted to kill her. But something stopped me. Maybe it was the fact that I admittedly found her cute. Plus, I had to pee. Maybe I had to poop, too.
"All right. You're done. Get out of my bathroom. I really need to pee," I said. I could feel my bowels moving.
"Come on, Peter. I just cleaned the toilet. But I have a better idea," she said as she grinned mischievously. "Why don't you pee outside?"
I rolled my eyes and then walked over to her. "Xara, you're not serious," I said with a smirk. "Get the fuck out of here. I really gotta gooooooo!!!"
"But I am. I am trying to keep this toilet clean," she said with a smile.
I felt a strong urge to pee. "Xara! Come on. Go on. Get out of here," I whined. I could feel a stream of urine about to exit out of me. Oh piss. Oh shit. Oh no.
All of a sudden, I pushed her out of the way before I opened the window, pulled my dick out of the hole in my pajama bottoms, and peed out of the window. I looked up at the ceiling and tried to pretend none of this was happening. Oh man, I couldn't believe I was peeing on the roof. As awkward as the situation felt, it was about to get worse. At least I was relieved, or thought I was.
Before I knew it, I felt a strong urge to take a dump, so I put the seat down, sat down, and exploded in the toilet. I breathed and was relieved that I stopped for just a moment. Uh oh. I felt myself have to go again. Just as I began to wipe myself while using a personal lubricant, I went again.
"Oh Lord! Please forgive me for every sin I have done in the last 54 years!" I screamed. The toilet was decimated, and my rear end was really sore.
I looked over and to my horror, I saw Xara staring at me. I made a "Whoa" noise. I squirmed on the toilet and screamed. "Why are you still here?! Good God, Xara, you're so weird, I swear!!!!"
Xara was laughing her head off as she normally does. Her heart looked like it was going to leap out of her chest. "I'm sorry, Peter. I would have left, but your bathroom experience was the finest performance I've ever seen," she said before laughing again. "I'm not sure whether to be ar-amused or disgusted." She snorted when she laughed.
I courtesy flushed and was speechless. "You're so crazy," I said as I stared at her incredulously. "Why on Earth did you not escape?"
"I couldn't. I was mesmerized by you taking an impromptu dump in front of me. I am still in disbelief," she said as she smiled widely. "Doesn't smell too bad in here, either."
"Says the crazy wench who sent me a picture of Donald Trump toilet paper with poop coloring his toupee! Didn't help that your menses was on that piece of toilet paper, either. Lord have mercy. Jesus. I can't unsee that," I said. "I'm still mentally-scarred." I then started to wipe my ass again using more personal lubricant.
She grinned and stuffed the hand towel in her white apron. "Well, that was hilarious, but you taking a dump in front of me was absolutely golden. Hahahahaha. And I'm keeping this hand towel. It might have some of your DNA on it. I need to make an army of Peters to take over the world," she said. "I might have one in my closet for when I need someone to tickle while Joebear is at work." Joebear was her sexy bear husband who was angrier than she was. He also had many talents, including tickling.
"Xara, you're so crazy! Sure. That's what you want to do. Tickle me. Hahahaha." I said before I felt the pipes in my toilet about to burst. "No really. You gotta get out of here."
"You need to finish?" she asked.
"No. It's worse!" I yelled before there was a nuclear explosion out of my toilet. An endless stream of water erupted from my toilet and started flooding the bathroom. "TAKE COVER!!!"
Xara was swimming in the toilet water before the door exploded and a flood whooshed out of the bathroom to invade the rest of the house. My poor mother was walking in the hallway, God bless her soul. She looked up at the giant wave that kept coming out of the bathroom and into the whole house.
"My Goodness, Peter, what happened?!" my mother asked.
"EVERYTHING. And I'm sorry. I'll never do it again!" I screamed before the pipes exploded even more. "Aaaaagggfghhhhhhhhhh!!!"
Godiva threw her hands in the air. "I'm telling you the truth! This is the fourth toilet to break in our house in the last two years. What is going on? Do I need to install an outhouse in the back yard with the rest of my toilet garden?" she asked before a tidal wave pushed her down the stairs.
(I still HATE that toilet garden. My mother revived it just to spite me after I went ape shit a year and a half ago and used an axe to annihilate it. I yelled back then, "Get the fuck out of my driveway" to the toilets. The one with the Venus flytrap nearly stripped me naked, which the neighbors seemed to enjoy.)
Xara was swimming in the water and laughing. She could barely breathe from the smell and shock of it all. Did she deserve it? Sure why not? Ever since I met her two years ago, my life has been an absolute nightmare. May she drown in my toilet water! It is the only justice she deserves. Ha ha.
My father wheeled out to see what the smell was. "Oh Lord," he said as he tried to escape the ever growing wave. He then sailed out of the house in the toilet water. Good Lord. The neighbors could probably see the flood coming out of my house. I was embarrassed beyond belief. The entire contents of my toilet lay waste in the neighborhood.
To make matters worse, another bane of my existence, Ted the Alligator, was swimming in my toilet water and enjoying it. He had another crocodile friend with him.
"Drain the swamp! Drain the swamp!" he and his friend chanted.
"Hey Xara. How are you?" Ted asked.
"Well, I'm confused. I'm not sure how I should feel right now. I'm swimming in my complete asshole boss's toilet water, so I am just speechless," she answered before she cried with laughter. "Who is your friend?"
Ted laughed, too. "Well, it's nice in here," he said as he swam along. "Plenty of food here."
"My name is Jack," the crocodile said.
Xara laughed and kept swimming. "Nice to meet you, Jack."
"What is that smell?!" Xara's client who owned Ted asked. "That's awful. Smells like the sewer exploded here. Ted, Jack, can we get out of here?"
No one answered. We were all too embarrassed. I was thankful he was partially blind. I sat on the toilet in the middle of my driveway. The bottom half of me was completely covered in toilet water. I just stared at the neighborhood in complete and utter shock.
At least I wasn't alone. It was ironic that I was now part of the toilet garden I sought to destroy fairly recently. To further the irony, the bottom half of me was mostly naked minus my extremely wet socks. My pajama pants and underwear were lost somewhere in the toilet water and might possibly be in the front yard. The Venus Flytrap was revived and grinning at me. I couldn't escape my fate because my neighbors were watching. It's not that I minded being half-naked in front of other people. Hell, I used to be a porn star. It's the fact that I have soiled toilet water on me, and that's a bit much for me to show off for free. I would literally charge my neighbors $20 each just to see me show myself covered in toilet water. And because I'm Peter W. Parker, the drywall finisher with fuck luck, I was the head piece of the toilet garden. Only me.
The End