My Novel Drives Me Crazy, part 4
"Awaw. That was a good chapter," Captain Joebearcow said. "It was funny."
"Thank you, Bae. What should I call Chapter 3?" I asked.
"I already told you. Wednesday, 1987. Every chapter goes forward a day and a year," Captain Joebearcow said.
"Oh yes!!! I might have an idea for this year," I said before I headed to my writing desk next to my litter box.
Chapter 3: Wednesday, September 9, 1987
Once we got onto Thunderbird Road, there was a lot of traffic. Many people looked forward to the awakening of a Greek God that was occurring that day. Some people got so excited that they failed at driving that morning. Traffic was backed up for at least three streetlights. The paramedics, fire department, and policemen were trying to figure out how to get the passengers in the two cars to safety. By the time we inched up to see what happened, we noticed a van was flipped over on its back like an upside down turtle.
The other car was a red 1984 Toyota Celica, or what was left of it. My eyes popped out of my head looking at it.
Chris looked at it and said, "Whoa!!!! What a crash!" At the tender age of six, my brother was already sadistic. He seemed more amused than mortified.
"BY GOD! None of that would have happened if they would have learned how to drive. Slow down. You'll live longer!" my mom ranted. "Because of them, now we're playing Bumper Cars!
I knew better than to interrupt my mother's rants.
“Okay! Green means go. Green means go. GO! GO! GO! Gas pedal's under the right foot! Try pressing it! BY GOD!" my mom shouted at the drivers in front of her.
Chris giggled.
Mom kept driving for a few minutes before the next crazy thing happened. Apparently, the city of Phoenix, AZ was having a Greek Festival in the middle of the morning rush hour. “Of course, I have to get caught up in this mess! By God!” she said as she spent ANOTHER stupid period of time inching through traffic. I was pretty sure one of the grizzly bears riding a unicycle gave us the paw as he crossed our path in traffic. Apparently, Mom had a medical condition called Tourette’s syndrome in which she couldn't control the language coming out of her mouth. I'm not going to repeat the speaking-in-tongues Mom did while driving that day. She gritted her teeth at the bear who was riding a unicycle and gripped the plastic on the steering wheel with her veins popping out of her paws. I didn’t know who was more aggressive. My mother or the bear?
Mom stared at the back of the car in front of us with an intensity of burning a hole through the rear window. She was seriously ready to run over the next clown that cut us off.
A blue car pulled up next to us and honked. When I saw who honked at us, I waved. Chris made a funny face at Pippy and her younger sister.
Mom honked at her and rolled the window down. "Hey Genevieve, how do you like this traffic? It's INSANE!" she yelled.
"Sure is! It took us forever to get up here! I know a Greek God is being awakened, but they need to do something about this traffic!" Pippy's mother, Genevieve shouted kindly to Mom.
“YOU GOT THAT RIGHT! Two bears gave me the paw. Five clowns cut me off, and now we got Greek kids are trying to cross the fucking street!!!” Mom shouted as we inched forward.
Pippy's mom laughed and shook her head. "I know it! Mm Mm! They should have at least given detours around these festivals! People might actually be able to see the Greek God awaken!" she said.
"It's retarded to drive in these bullshit conditions. Might as well have watched the awakening on TV!” Mom screamed.
Pippy's mom laughed even louder to the point where my brain jumped to the top of my head. "It's a mess," she said.
Chris was making faces at the girls, and they and I rolled our eyes. 'Ugh, Chris, why are you dumb?' I thought.
Mom waved goodbye to Pippy's family and sped ahead of her. She grumbled to herself. “Thank Goodness we're almost there! By God this drive has been painful,” she ranted.
"Yeah. It was boring until Pippy and Patsy showed up. I like torturing them," Chris said with a small blush.
I rolled my eyes at Chris again.
"I'm sure you do, Chris," Mom said before we heard a thud! "Oh shit! I ran over a small clown!" Then there was another Thud! This time, she ran over a traffic cone. I looked behind us and saw two clowns shaking their fists at us. One was the small clown that Mom accidentally ran over, and the other was a normal-sized clown who was helping the other clown get up. Mom gave them the finger from behind us and spoke in tongues for a moment before she continued with, “I wouldn't have run them over if they weren't in the road!" She was slowing down from 10 miles per hour as she drove past an Apollo float going toward Encounter Church.
Before I could think, Mom honked the horn again. She had another Tourette’s fit directed at a clown in the midst of her honking the horn. “Another clown cut me off again. I almost ran him over,” she said.
"Why are there clowns running around in the road, Mom?" Chris asked.
“I don't know, Chris, but I am going to run over this trapeze artist if he doesn't get out of my way. He needs to go back where he came from,” Mom responded. She sighed a long sigh. She was the master of sighing. I swear that she sighed every hour on the hour. And then she sighed every five minutes in between. She was a Master Sigher.
I was relieved when we were finally at the Encounter Church. That drive was beginning to make me nervous.
"Come on, kids! Let's go check out the awakening of this Greek God. I heard he's going to make everyone's life easier," Mom said as she ushered us out of the car.
We walked toward the church and around a bunch of excited people, and once we opened the door, a bright light shone so brightly that all we saw was the head of a dark-haired baby with bright green eyes. He looked like the random baby that was on the screen of a Teletubby episode.
"Hello, Earth. I am Pauno, the Greek God of food, milk, video games, and common sense. Thank you for coming to my awakening!" the Greek God baby spoke.
At that moment, I felt peace and was happy that we endured that drive down Thunderbird Rd.
"Thank you, Bae. What should I call Chapter 3?" I asked.
"I already told you. Wednesday, 1987. Every chapter goes forward a day and a year," Captain Joebearcow said.
"Oh yes!!! I might have an idea for this year," I said before I headed to my writing desk next to my litter box.
Chapter 3: Wednesday, September 9, 1987
Once we got onto Thunderbird Road, there was a lot of traffic. Many people looked forward to the awakening of a Greek God that was occurring that day. Some people got so excited that they failed at driving that morning. Traffic was backed up for at least three streetlights. The paramedics, fire department, and policemen were trying to figure out how to get the passengers in the two cars to safety. By the time we inched up to see what happened, we noticed a van was flipped over on its back like an upside down turtle.
The other car was a red 1984 Toyota Celica, or what was left of it. My eyes popped out of my head looking at it.
Chris looked at it and said, "Whoa!!!! What a crash!" At the tender age of six, my brother was already sadistic. He seemed more amused than mortified.
"BY GOD! None of that would have happened if they would have learned how to drive. Slow down. You'll live longer!" my mom ranted. "Because of them, now we're playing Bumper Cars!
I knew better than to interrupt my mother's rants.
“Okay! Green means go. Green means go. GO! GO! GO! Gas pedal's under the right foot! Try pressing it! BY GOD!" my mom shouted at the drivers in front of her.
Chris giggled.
Mom kept driving for a few minutes before the next crazy thing happened. Apparently, the city of Phoenix, AZ was having a Greek Festival in the middle of the morning rush hour. “Of course, I have to get caught up in this mess! By God!” she said as she spent ANOTHER stupid period of time inching through traffic. I was pretty sure one of the grizzly bears riding a unicycle gave us the paw as he crossed our path in traffic. Apparently, Mom had a medical condition called Tourette’s syndrome in which she couldn't control the language coming out of her mouth. I'm not going to repeat the speaking-in-tongues Mom did while driving that day. She gritted her teeth at the bear who was riding a unicycle and gripped the plastic on the steering wheel with her veins popping out of her paws. I didn’t know who was more aggressive. My mother or the bear?
Mom stared at the back of the car in front of us with an intensity of burning a hole through the rear window. She was seriously ready to run over the next clown that cut us off.
A blue car pulled up next to us and honked. When I saw who honked at us, I waved. Chris made a funny face at Pippy and her younger sister.
Mom honked at her and rolled the window down. "Hey Genevieve, how do you like this traffic? It's INSANE!" she yelled.
"Sure is! It took us forever to get up here! I know a Greek God is being awakened, but they need to do something about this traffic!" Pippy's mother, Genevieve shouted kindly to Mom.
“YOU GOT THAT RIGHT! Two bears gave me the paw. Five clowns cut me off, and now we got Greek kids are trying to cross the fucking street!!!” Mom shouted as we inched forward.
Pippy's mom laughed and shook her head. "I know it! Mm Mm! They should have at least given detours around these festivals! People might actually be able to see the Greek God awaken!" she said.
"It's retarded to drive in these bullshit conditions. Might as well have watched the awakening on TV!” Mom screamed.
Pippy's mom laughed even louder to the point where my brain jumped to the top of my head. "It's a mess," she said.
Chris was making faces at the girls, and they and I rolled our eyes. 'Ugh, Chris, why are you dumb?' I thought.
Mom waved goodbye to Pippy's family and sped ahead of her. She grumbled to herself. “Thank Goodness we're almost there! By God this drive has been painful,” she ranted.
"Yeah. It was boring until Pippy and Patsy showed up. I like torturing them," Chris said with a small blush.
I rolled my eyes at Chris again.
"I'm sure you do, Chris," Mom said before we heard a thud! "Oh shit! I ran over a small clown!" Then there was another Thud! This time, she ran over a traffic cone. I looked behind us and saw two clowns shaking their fists at us. One was the small clown that Mom accidentally ran over, and the other was a normal-sized clown who was helping the other clown get up. Mom gave them the finger from behind us and spoke in tongues for a moment before she continued with, “I wouldn't have run them over if they weren't in the road!" She was slowing down from 10 miles per hour as she drove past an Apollo float going toward Encounter Church.
Before I could think, Mom honked the horn again. She had another Tourette’s fit directed at a clown in the midst of her honking the horn. “Another clown cut me off again. I almost ran him over,” she said.
"Why are there clowns running around in the road, Mom?" Chris asked.
“I don't know, Chris, but I am going to run over this trapeze artist if he doesn't get out of my way. He needs to go back where he came from,” Mom responded. She sighed a long sigh. She was the master of sighing. I swear that she sighed every hour on the hour. And then she sighed every five minutes in between. She was a Master Sigher.
I was relieved when we were finally at the Encounter Church. That drive was beginning to make me nervous.
"Come on, kids! Let's go check out the awakening of this Greek God. I heard he's going to make everyone's life easier," Mom said as she ushered us out of the car.
We walked toward the church and around a bunch of excited people, and once we opened the door, a bright light shone so brightly that all we saw was the head of a dark-haired baby with bright green eyes. He looked like the random baby that was on the screen of a Teletubby episode.
"Hello, Earth. I am Pauno, the Greek God of food, milk, video games, and common sense. Thank you for coming to my awakening!" the Greek God baby spoke.
At that moment, I felt peace and was happy that we endured that drive down Thunderbird Rd.