My Novel Drives Me Crazy, part 1
I growled a loud cat growl in my office on Francesca and was tearing up page after page.
"THIS ISN'T WORKING! I CAN'T GET PAST CHAPTER 14!!! NOTHING MAKES SENSE! THE CHARACTERS ARE IRRELEVANT! THIS ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE! UGHHHH!!! WRITING IS HARD MAN!!!" I shouted as I slammed my fist on my desk and caused my pen and laptop to slightly bounce off of the desk.
Captain Joebearcow sighed and slapped his head in frustration. "Your novel! Always your novel. Can you figure it out, please? Thank you." He rolled his big bear eyes.
"I'm serious! I am having the worst time trying to be comical, hip, relevant, truthful, and informative at the same time! I'm not making this up!" I yelled as I slammed my fist in my desk. "But I have writer's block again."
"That's a shame. Normally your stories are hilarious. They're ridiculous, but at least I could laugh," Captain Joebearcow said. "I don't know about this world."
"Should I give up on novel writing and go back to writing poetry?" I asked.
"Thaaaaaattt's a bad question to ask," Captain Joebearcow said.
"Very. We've been on a lot of screwed-up adventures... involuntarily. Two of them involved us almost dying and by the grace of God making it out alive. I have NO idea how I am going to explain... this. Apparently, I have to rewrite the whole first fucking chapter of this now PIECE OF SHIT novel. I never had to go through this much stress in my life," I said while beating my head with the keyboard. "Fuck it. I have to rewrite this whole fucking thing." I kicked the wall under my desk before sighing. "I hate writing sometimes."
"The crazy thing is that no one is going to believe you even if you tried to write about them," Captain Joebearcow said. "I'd ask Roberta to help you edit some details because there is no processing these events."
"I need all the help I can get. This novel sucks," I said as I was hitting my head harder.
Captain Joebearcow added, "How about you just start the whole fucking thing over? By the way, no one cares about your bad chapter about the grocery store trip. Horrible. Sadly, we recently through an even worse grocery trip. Celebrities are the opposite of glamorous, apparently. More like walking nightmares."
I sighed and shook my head. "Really. I didn't know what planet we were on. I thought I was on the set of RealTV. It was the nightmare coming to real life," I said as I nodded. "Should I include that DAY in my novel?"
Captain Joebearcow responded, "Well, if it were up to me, I would bypass that day entirely and pretend it never fucking happened."
I responded, "I really have no idea how we have survived all of this bullshit. The last three months have been so beyond fucked. I am seriously in disbelief."
Captain Joebearcow blinked before he spoke, "Thank God we're still alive. I have no words to describe how fucked this whole experience has been. We should have never listened to Bob Wellington."
"Especially after the raging hatchets of Dave from RealTV. I don't know who is more certifiably insane, him or me," I said.
"HIM!!!!" Captain Joebearcow shouted. "Definitely. You have never pointed a weapon at me."
"Should I start my novel from getting sucked in the toilet?" I asked.
"I don't even know," Captain Joebearcow said. "There are no words for how retarded this world has become."
I sat and thought for 15 minutes before I sighed. "Yeah. I'm drawing blanks. I might come up with something AFTER work.
"Good idea," Captain Joebearcow said. "Perhaps something retarded enough will spark your creativity."
"Being in the public will guarantee something retarded to happen. I hope I can start by describing that brand of retardation. I could probably write a series about it frankly," I said.
After four hours of delivering food to hungry people, it was uneventful. The calm night served well for our sanity, but I was still looking for inspiration to rewrite my novel.
"THIS ISN'T WORKING! I CAN'T GET PAST CHAPTER 14!!! NOTHING MAKES SENSE! THE CHARACTERS ARE IRRELEVANT! THIS ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE! UGHHHH!!! WRITING IS HARD MAN!!!" I shouted as I slammed my fist on my desk and caused my pen and laptop to slightly bounce off of the desk.
Captain Joebearcow sighed and slapped his head in frustration. "Your novel! Always your novel. Can you figure it out, please? Thank you." He rolled his big bear eyes.
"I'm serious! I am having the worst time trying to be comical, hip, relevant, truthful, and informative at the same time! I'm not making this up!" I yelled as I slammed my fist in my desk. "But I have writer's block again."
"That's a shame. Normally your stories are hilarious. They're ridiculous, but at least I could laugh," Captain Joebearcow said. "I don't know about this world."
"Should I give up on novel writing and go back to writing poetry?" I asked.
"Thaaaaaattt's a bad question to ask," Captain Joebearcow said.
"Very. We've been on a lot of screwed-up adventures... involuntarily. Two of them involved us almost dying and by the grace of God making it out alive. I have NO idea how I am going to explain... this. Apparently, I have to rewrite the whole first fucking chapter of this now PIECE OF SHIT novel. I never had to go through this much stress in my life," I said while beating my head with the keyboard. "Fuck it. I have to rewrite this whole fucking thing." I kicked the wall under my desk before sighing. "I hate writing sometimes."
"The crazy thing is that no one is going to believe you even if you tried to write about them," Captain Joebearcow said. "I'd ask Roberta to help you edit some details because there is no processing these events."
"I need all the help I can get. This novel sucks," I said as I was hitting my head harder.
Captain Joebearcow added, "How about you just start the whole fucking thing over? By the way, no one cares about your bad chapter about the grocery store trip. Horrible. Sadly, we recently through an even worse grocery trip. Celebrities are the opposite of glamorous, apparently. More like walking nightmares."
I sighed and shook my head. "Really. I didn't know what planet we were on. I thought I was on the set of RealTV. It was the nightmare coming to real life," I said as I nodded. "Should I include that DAY in my novel?"
Captain Joebearcow responded, "Well, if it were up to me, I would bypass that day entirely and pretend it never fucking happened."
I responded, "I really have no idea how we have survived all of this bullshit. The last three months have been so beyond fucked. I am seriously in disbelief."
Captain Joebearcow blinked before he spoke, "Thank God we're still alive. I have no words to describe how fucked this whole experience has been. We should have never listened to Bob Wellington."
"Especially after the raging hatchets of Dave from RealTV. I don't know who is more certifiably insane, him or me," I said.
"HIM!!!!" Captain Joebearcow shouted. "Definitely. You have never pointed a weapon at me."
"Should I start my novel from getting sucked in the toilet?" I asked.
"I don't even know," Captain Joebearcow said. "There are no words for how retarded this world has become."
I sat and thought for 15 minutes before I sighed. "Yeah. I'm drawing blanks. I might come up with something AFTER work.
"Good idea," Captain Joebearcow said. "Perhaps something retarded enough will spark your creativity."
"Being in the public will guarantee something retarded to happen. I hope I can start by describing that brand of retardation. I could probably write a series about it frankly," I said.
After four hours of delivering food to hungry people, it was uneventful. The calm night served well for our sanity, but I was still looking for inspiration to rewrite my novel.