The Spring Halloween Party Itself
Count Joebear VonCat was putting the directions into Francesca (our sailboat)'s global positioning system for the Spring Halloween party that Bob Wellington, Esq. was hosting. He realized that that location *wasn't* in Flagstaff, AZ at all. It turned out to be in Flagglestuff, Arroz in a sewer on another planet. It could only be accessed through pressing 829 in the code box of the sewer where the Shittiest Pool Party was hosted.
"ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" Count Albear VonCat shouted as he double and triple-checked the directions in Bob Wellington, Esq.'s asinine video. "Are you actually serious? SIGH! Awesome!!!!"
"Yep. Meanwhile we have been transported to a different planet because I accidentally took five shits within a 24-hour period," Count Joebear VonCat said.
"I KNOW! I was there! I was there! My head ended up in the bucket where I saw the sixth dimension. I ended up talking to a Mayalasian woman for five hours about the invalidity of refried beans," Count Albear VonCat said.
"Aaaannnnd... I gotta poop again," Count Joebear VonCat said.
"Are you okay, Bae?" I asked. I could feel my own chocolate cake baking.
"Yes. That is the actual direction this GPS is saying to get to that asinine location," Count Joebear VonCat answered.
"PLEASE FOLLOW THE HIGHLIGHTED ROUTE! IN POINT ONE MILE, PLEASE GO TO YOUR NEAREST LATRINE AND POOP!" Francesca's GPS shouted at us.
"Okay. I'm a bit constipated at the moment, so I have to wait until I poop," I said.
Count Joebear VonCat then went to the poop deck and found his litter box. He then got himself situated and began to do his cat business in the litter box.
"RECALCULATING!" Francesca's GPS shouted at us.
Count Albear VonCat sighed and then marched up to the poop deck. He situated himself into his litter box and then cooked some midnight treats in it.
"TURN RIGHT AT THE TRAFFIC LIGHT!" Francesca's GPS shouted at us.
I turned right at the traffic light. I didn't have to poop yet, so I sailed straight along the Phoenix, Arroz sewer and saw grains of rice floating in the green sewage.
"Francesca, I'm confused. Are we in the United Emirates of Chinta or United Emirates of Ruiskha?" I asked.
"You are currently located in the Ricemill Sewer of Anthemus, Arroz, United Emirates of Chinta," Francesca answered.
"Thank you," I said as I sailed along. There were other sailors travelling in the same direction I was going in.
Count Joebear VonCat was pooping again. Francesca jolted forward over a wave.
Andrew, my brother sent an SOS message stating that he was attending the party and was coming from Vuegena. He also mentioned that he was a CEO of a lead generation company and that he was going to make a business deal with Bob Wellington, Esquire.
After a long series of SOS messages between us, Andrew Jones had to admit that he was once again a drunken sea captain. Meanwhile, he told me that he was amused with the SOS messages Count Joebear VonCat was sending him from his litter box. He summarized that our generation was fucked sideways and backwards by the elite in white-collared suits. He insisted on paying for Francesca's upgrades when she needed them.
My mother, Francesca Bastafurlong also sent him a message requesting a full report on how well I was doing. She feels emotional about our journey, which is why she involved Andrew. I have no idea if Gene Jones, Esq., our father knows about my exact lifestyle of living on the high seas.
Count Joebear VonCat sent a SOS message to Andrew to sleep well and stay sober.
--------------------------------
I woke up and still didn't have to do number 2. There were no Count VonCats anywhere on the ship. Apparently, they made it to the other side of the Green Planet. Meanwhile, I was sitting on the toilet after I cleaned up the poop deck and gathered laundry for the laundromat. We haven't installed laundry machines on Francesca yet.
A few hours later, I finally went to the latrine and pressed the code "2." It was jammed at first, but after a few minutes, it finally flushed me down the toilet.
--------------------------------
I was transported to the Halloween party only to hear a familiar gruff voice singing "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK!!!!" Apparently, Captain Kirk dressed up as an opera singer because he was singing theatrically as the front end of "You Fucking Bitch" was hanging halfway in the sewer river.
"Fuck Fuck Fuck! It's always something!" Skipper Harriet who dressed up as a pirate opera singer sang in harmony with her disgruntled husband.
"Rahhhhhck! Fuuuuuckkkk!!!!" Parrot Vixie sang on Captain Kirk's shoulders. She even had the feathers attached to her small body and was perching like a parrot.
Captain Kirk was trying to put the front end of the boat back together and singing swear words. I never knew curse words could sound so beautiful.
"Rahhhhck! You fucking bitch! You fucking bitch!" Parrot Vixie shouted as she mimicked a parrot. She even bobbed her head back and forth like a typical parrot.
"Our ship can be a fucking bitch!" Skipper Harriet sang and performed for us.
"I'm going to sponsor our newest authors, Captain Kirk, Skipper Harriet, and Parrot Vixie," Bob Wellington, Esq. said to me and the camera pointed to him as he was dressed up as a pizza delivery guy. "They are by far the funniest sailors I've seen. Also, they will get ship upgrades in the future."
"THANK YOU!" Captain Kirk, Skipper Harriet, and Parrot Vixie sang. Parrot Vixie also added a loud "Raaaahhhhhkkkk!" at the end.
"You arrived?" Count Joebear VonCat said in his Super CAThether costume that had a cat design on it.
"Finally. I'm late as usual," I said as I wore my Little Bo Penis Pump costume. It had little baby blue bonnets on the pump and everything.
"Me, too," Pauno, Greek God of technology, sarcastic humor, food, and healing said as he was dressed in an Aladdin costume with Greek leaves around his head.
"Hey Pauno! How have you been?" I asked.
"Well, I'm just waiting until all Hell breaks loose and bombs start dropping!" Pauno said with a loud chuckle that lasted for a minute.
I chuckled and slapped the pump. "Same, honestly. There is a show called Tiny House Nation on TV. This country is fucked."
"Yep," Pauno said as he stared ahead.
"Putinov is an angry and hungry bear in Ruiskha," Count Joebear VonCat said.
"Yep. If you push him, he will drop bombs," Pauno said.
"According to Penn from Off Grid Desert Farming with Penn and Alexia, it's going to happen within the next week or two," I said.
"Yep," Pauno said as he stared ahead.
"I'm ready to send chocolate ice cream to Putinov," I said.
"Chocolate ice cream might prevent World War III and forest fires," Count Joebear VonCat said.
"I think so," I said.
"I think pizza might also help save the world," Bob Wellington, Esq. said as he approached us with pizza.
"Have you sent some to Ruiskha?" I asked as I took a slice of pizza.
"I made a seaside delivery order that is to be delivered to Putinov and his cronies that was about $3.1 million U.S. dollars and then made another seaside delivery to the refugees of Ruiskha, Ukroove, Syrius, and Abracadabra for $4 million U.S. dollars for each respective country. Does that count?" Bob Wellington, Esq. asked.
"Absolutely," I said with a chuckle and ate my pizza.
Pauno and Count Joebear and Albear VonCats ate their pizza and thanked Bob Wellington, Esq.
"You're welcome," Bob Wellington, Esq. said as he, too, ate a piece of pizza.
"Hey sis, what the actual fuck are you dressed as?" Andrew asked as he walked up and was dressed as a Chewy Bar.
"A Little Bo Penis Pump. Count Joebear's idea. He's an ass!" I said as I slapped Count Joebear VonCat's ass hard enough to where the sound of the slap reverberated off the walls and bounced back to us.
"BABY!" Count Joebear VonCat shouted as he turned to growl at me.
Andrew laughed. "How you doing, Joebear?"
"EXCITED and SURPRISED," Count Joebear VonCat answered.
"You dressed up as the last Chewy. That pisses me off!" I shouted. Andrew always ate the last Chewy bar out of the box in our childhood. It was bullshit.
"Fuuuuuuuccckkkkk!!!!" Captain Kirk sang as he walked over to us. Parrot Vixie sang in harmony with him.
"Good voice, Captain Kirk!" Count Joebear VonCat said.
It was true. His rustic voice was surprisingly good for a pirate opera singer.
"Rrraaaahhhhkkk. Good voice, Captain Kirk!" Parrot Vixie shouted before she whistled like a cockatoo. She sounded like an actual parrot.
Andrew was laughing. I noticed he had holes in his black socks and was wearing sandals. He was putting me in extreme stress. I HATE holes in socks, and I HATE when people wear socks WITH sandals. What's the point? Maybe because Bob Wellington, Esq. has holes in his socks? I'm mentally-scarred for life.
Children were screaming on their parents' boats at the party. They were dressed as ghouls, ghosts, goblins, and gamers.
"Ah! Can't have a good party without kids!" Bob Wellington, Esq. said.
"THAT'S TRUE! THERE WERE KIDS AT THE LAST FUCKING PARTY!" Captain Kirk shouted as he had a bottle of rum in his hand before he proceeded to down the whole thing.
"HAHAHAHA! GOT ANOTHER BOTTLE?!" Andrew asked.
"Rahhhhrkkkk!! We have several!" Parrot Vixie answered as she bobbed her head around.
I couldn't get over how much like a real parrot Vixie sounded.
Andrew then went to grab a rum bottle from the party cooler and downed it.
Skipper Harriet also drank her bottle.
Bob Wellington, Esq. looked at her before he played a random tuba loudly.
One of the drunken sailor men got so surprised that he fell off of the edge of his ship into the sewer water.
"Everyone. Everyone. I almost forgot! The reason to celebrate the Halloween party TODAY is because it is Skipper Harriet's birthday. Plus, we all like Halloween and realize that with North Amnesty Treatise Organization helping Ukroove against Ruiskha, there might not be an October this year or ever again. So let's celebrate Halloween! Let's celebrate Saint Patrick's Day! And let's celebrate Skipper Harriet's birthday!" Bob Wellington, Esq. shouted.
Leprechauns jumped out of boats and terrorized everyone. One even threw a green frosted cupcake at Harriet. Another danced with Andrew and bit a chunk out of his costume.
"Ah hah HAH, you fucker!" Andrew said as he kicked that leprechaun in the balls. That sandal was wedged in the leprechaun's crotch.
A bunch of obnoxious spooky music showed up for no reason.
"Yooooow!!!! There go me balls. I am now dressed as sandaldick!" that leprechaun said.
Captain Kirk's twins, Mandy and Bentley Bunyon laughed robotically at Sandaldick. Mandy had bright blue eyes and blonde long hair while Bentley had short brown hair, a trimmed beard, and green eyes. They were both dressed as RT2.
Justin Bunyon, Captain Kirk's eldest son, was dressed like a water moccasin and terrorized everyone. Captain Kirk accidentally sang opera to him out of fear. He sounded like the black lady reporter who suddenly became an opera singer on National Television when she was handling a snake during an interview with a zoo keeper.
Little Red Riding Josie, Captain Kirk and Skipper Harriet's daughter, screamed bloody murder. She was still incredibly traumatized from the horde of them that showed up to the pool party on March 7, 2022. She jumped in Captain Kirk's arms.
Captain Kirk and Skipper Harriet were screaming opera to Justin Bunyon the water moccasin. Little Red Riding Josie was screaming in harmony to their opera singing.
"Cacaw!" Parrot Vixie shouted to Justin Bunyon the water moccasin.
"Justin is a very convincing water moccasin. Ha ha. We actually might have to go back to therapy after this party," Mandy and Bentley Bunyon said in a monotone voice similar to how the Delightful Children From Down the Lane sounded in the famous cartoon, Kids Next Door.
Sandy McAfeeMcPhersonMacDonaldMacmillian was dressed up as a birthday cake as she walked off her large ship with her mother, Skipper Harriet's birthday cake that was three feet tall and a foot wide. "Happy Birthday to Mom!" she started to sing.
"Happy Birthday to Harriet! Happy Birthday to Harriet!" we all started to sing.
Justin Bunyon then sang a high note to his stepmother. "Happy Birthday to Doctor Harriet!"
"HOLY SHIT!" Skipper Harriet shouted as she hugged her husband out of fear and stared at her stepson who turned into a water moccasin. Captain Kirk was starting to deflate.
"Happy Birthday to you!" we all sang to her.
"Thank you. But holy shit is Justin convincing! He wins the scary contest. I'm sponsoring him. Jesus Christ!" Skipper Harriet shouted.
"We need him," Count Joebear VonCat said as he removed his bigass head from his bigass body. His head then grew to be the size of the moon. We all felt he had something important to say.
But before Count Joebear VonCat could talk, Ted the Alligator emerged from the sewer and growled a very scary growl.
"HOLY SHIT!" Bob Wellington, Esq. shouted. "I'll sponsor Justin Bunyon, but that alligator is another animal. He wins the contest!... And it looks like I'm going back for an emergency trip to the laundromat."
Ted the Alligator laughed as he climbed on the dock. "Hey everyone! How are you doing? Happy Birthday, Harriet!"
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT TALKS!" Harriet shouted as she hugged Captain Kirk even tighter and tried to hide behind him even if she is one inch taller than him.
"WE KNOW. CAN YOU PLEASE STOP SQUEEZING ME? I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO LITERALLY EXPLODE FROM THE PRESSURE YOU'RE EXERTING ON MY BODY," Captain Kirk asked as he was rasping for air.
"Sorry, Captain Kirk," Skipper Harriet said as she let go of him. "This has been the scariest Halloween ever even though it's technically Saint Patrick's Day. It's 2022 indeed. I am going to drink a giant bottle of beer now. Thank you."
My brother handed her a three-foot tall bottle of beer. He then proceeded to drink his.
"Thank you, Andrew Jones. You now have my sponsorship. Get Skipper Harriet SHITFACED!" Bob Wellington, Esq. said.
Skipper Harriet thanked my shitfaced brother and downed the bottle.
Parrot Vixie was now perched on top of Captain Kirk's ludicrously large pirate hat. She was trying to make sense of this Saint Patrick's Halloween Birthday party but to no avail. She was also smelling Sandy the Birthday Cake.
I ate some of Sandy's birthday cake. It was indescribably good like Zaxby's chicken, but it was a vanilla chocolate kahlua rum cake that actually intoxicated me.
There was a part of the story when Justin Bunyon the water moccasin was chasing his stepsister, Sandy the Birthday Cake around the docks, but I don't remember when it actually happened. Justin Bunyon the water moccasin ate a good portion of the cake and trolled his stepsister by eating her shoe. She spent the better part of the party cussing him out. Parrot Vixie cawed at both of them to try to get some sanity. Captain Kirk demanded that the water moccasin help him fix his God-forsaken tug boat out of frustration.
Ted the Alligator walked around the dock and terrorized everyone. The leprechauns, Andrew Jones, and Ted the Alligator sang "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" while everyone else was trying to gather whatever sanity was left on the Earth.
Skipper Harriet got a bottle of Bath and Body Works body wash from me, copious amounts of alcohol in her system, birthday cake, and trauma from this birthday party that would take many years to fix.
Count Joebear VonCat's head was still floating around us and he finally had this to say, "Who are you looking for?"
"A sane person," Skipper Harriet answered as she cracked open another can of beer and downed it.
"YOU'RE AT THE WRONG PARTY," Captain Kirk spoke.
He was absolutely correct. Everyone at this party had something extremely insane about him or her. Ted the Alligator was no exception. He liked to troll people for no reason.
"Also. I have news for everyone. President Brandon is thinking about sending a nuclear rocket via Fed-Ex to Chinta. All hell is about to break loose even more than it already has," Count Joebear VonCat said.
"Count Joebear VonCat is correct. President Brandon warned Chinta not to help Ruiskha blow up Ukroove," Penn, a middle-aged man with shoulder-length blond hair, blue eyes, and majestic beard said as he appeared. He was dressed like a rockstar.
"Would anyone like any sugar cookies shaped like children and puppies?" Alexia, a woman with long straight brown hair and hazel eyes asked. She was dressed like a painter.
"Sure!" the children, leprechauns, and Parrot Vixie said as they came after her. Parrot Vixie actually flew and cawed at everyone before she ate her cookies.
"I'll take some. I need them to deal with this world," I said as I walked over and grabbed some cookies.
Pauno also brought down cookies and nacho chips from the sky to help us deal with 2022.
"We'll be back after a snack break," Bob Wellington, Esq. said to his camera.
"ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" Count Albear VonCat shouted as he double and triple-checked the directions in Bob Wellington, Esq.'s asinine video. "Are you actually serious? SIGH! Awesome!!!!"
"Yep. Meanwhile we have been transported to a different planet because I accidentally took five shits within a 24-hour period," Count Joebear VonCat said.
"I KNOW! I was there! I was there! My head ended up in the bucket where I saw the sixth dimension. I ended up talking to a Mayalasian woman for five hours about the invalidity of refried beans," Count Albear VonCat said.
"Aaaannnnd... I gotta poop again," Count Joebear VonCat said.
"Are you okay, Bae?" I asked. I could feel my own chocolate cake baking.
"Yes. That is the actual direction this GPS is saying to get to that asinine location," Count Joebear VonCat answered.
"PLEASE FOLLOW THE HIGHLIGHTED ROUTE! IN POINT ONE MILE, PLEASE GO TO YOUR NEAREST LATRINE AND POOP!" Francesca's GPS shouted at us.
"Okay. I'm a bit constipated at the moment, so I have to wait until I poop," I said.
Count Joebear VonCat then went to the poop deck and found his litter box. He then got himself situated and began to do his cat business in the litter box.
"RECALCULATING!" Francesca's GPS shouted at us.
Count Albear VonCat sighed and then marched up to the poop deck. He situated himself into his litter box and then cooked some midnight treats in it.
"TURN RIGHT AT THE TRAFFIC LIGHT!" Francesca's GPS shouted at us.
I turned right at the traffic light. I didn't have to poop yet, so I sailed straight along the Phoenix, Arroz sewer and saw grains of rice floating in the green sewage.
"Francesca, I'm confused. Are we in the United Emirates of Chinta or United Emirates of Ruiskha?" I asked.
"You are currently located in the Ricemill Sewer of Anthemus, Arroz, United Emirates of Chinta," Francesca answered.
"Thank you," I said as I sailed along. There were other sailors travelling in the same direction I was going in.
Count Joebear VonCat was pooping again. Francesca jolted forward over a wave.
Andrew, my brother sent an SOS message stating that he was attending the party and was coming from Vuegena. He also mentioned that he was a CEO of a lead generation company and that he was going to make a business deal with Bob Wellington, Esquire.
After a long series of SOS messages between us, Andrew Jones had to admit that he was once again a drunken sea captain. Meanwhile, he told me that he was amused with the SOS messages Count Joebear VonCat was sending him from his litter box. He summarized that our generation was fucked sideways and backwards by the elite in white-collared suits. He insisted on paying for Francesca's upgrades when she needed them.
My mother, Francesca Bastafurlong also sent him a message requesting a full report on how well I was doing. She feels emotional about our journey, which is why she involved Andrew. I have no idea if Gene Jones, Esq., our father knows about my exact lifestyle of living on the high seas.
Count Joebear VonCat sent a SOS message to Andrew to sleep well and stay sober.
--------------------------------
I woke up and still didn't have to do number 2. There were no Count VonCats anywhere on the ship. Apparently, they made it to the other side of the Green Planet. Meanwhile, I was sitting on the toilet after I cleaned up the poop deck and gathered laundry for the laundromat. We haven't installed laundry machines on Francesca yet.
A few hours later, I finally went to the latrine and pressed the code "2." It was jammed at first, but after a few minutes, it finally flushed me down the toilet.
--------------------------------
I was transported to the Halloween party only to hear a familiar gruff voice singing "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK!!!!" Apparently, Captain Kirk dressed up as an opera singer because he was singing theatrically as the front end of "You Fucking Bitch" was hanging halfway in the sewer river.
"Fuck Fuck Fuck! It's always something!" Skipper Harriet who dressed up as a pirate opera singer sang in harmony with her disgruntled husband.
"Rahhhhhck! Fuuuuuckkkk!!!!" Parrot Vixie sang on Captain Kirk's shoulders. She even had the feathers attached to her small body and was perching like a parrot.
Captain Kirk was trying to put the front end of the boat back together and singing swear words. I never knew curse words could sound so beautiful.
"Rahhhhck! You fucking bitch! You fucking bitch!" Parrot Vixie shouted as she mimicked a parrot. She even bobbed her head back and forth like a typical parrot.
"Our ship can be a fucking bitch!" Skipper Harriet sang and performed for us.
"I'm going to sponsor our newest authors, Captain Kirk, Skipper Harriet, and Parrot Vixie," Bob Wellington, Esq. said to me and the camera pointed to him as he was dressed up as a pizza delivery guy. "They are by far the funniest sailors I've seen. Also, they will get ship upgrades in the future."
"THANK YOU!" Captain Kirk, Skipper Harriet, and Parrot Vixie sang. Parrot Vixie also added a loud "Raaaahhhhhkkkk!" at the end.
"You arrived?" Count Joebear VonCat said in his Super CAThether costume that had a cat design on it.
"Finally. I'm late as usual," I said as I wore my Little Bo Penis Pump costume. It had little baby blue bonnets on the pump and everything.
"Me, too," Pauno, Greek God of technology, sarcastic humor, food, and healing said as he was dressed in an Aladdin costume with Greek leaves around his head.
"Hey Pauno! How have you been?" I asked.
"Well, I'm just waiting until all Hell breaks loose and bombs start dropping!" Pauno said with a loud chuckle that lasted for a minute.
I chuckled and slapped the pump. "Same, honestly. There is a show called Tiny House Nation on TV. This country is fucked."
"Yep," Pauno said as he stared ahead.
"Putinov is an angry and hungry bear in Ruiskha," Count Joebear VonCat said.
"Yep. If you push him, he will drop bombs," Pauno said.
"According to Penn from Off Grid Desert Farming with Penn and Alexia, it's going to happen within the next week or two," I said.
"Yep," Pauno said as he stared ahead.
"I'm ready to send chocolate ice cream to Putinov," I said.
"Chocolate ice cream might prevent World War III and forest fires," Count Joebear VonCat said.
"I think so," I said.
"I think pizza might also help save the world," Bob Wellington, Esq. said as he approached us with pizza.
"Have you sent some to Ruiskha?" I asked as I took a slice of pizza.
"I made a seaside delivery order that is to be delivered to Putinov and his cronies that was about $3.1 million U.S. dollars and then made another seaside delivery to the refugees of Ruiskha, Ukroove, Syrius, and Abracadabra for $4 million U.S. dollars for each respective country. Does that count?" Bob Wellington, Esq. asked.
"Absolutely," I said with a chuckle and ate my pizza.
Pauno and Count Joebear and Albear VonCats ate their pizza and thanked Bob Wellington, Esq.
"You're welcome," Bob Wellington, Esq. said as he, too, ate a piece of pizza.
"Hey sis, what the actual fuck are you dressed as?" Andrew asked as he walked up and was dressed as a Chewy Bar.
"A Little Bo Penis Pump. Count Joebear's idea. He's an ass!" I said as I slapped Count Joebear VonCat's ass hard enough to where the sound of the slap reverberated off the walls and bounced back to us.
"BABY!" Count Joebear VonCat shouted as he turned to growl at me.
Andrew laughed. "How you doing, Joebear?"
"EXCITED and SURPRISED," Count Joebear VonCat answered.
"You dressed up as the last Chewy. That pisses me off!" I shouted. Andrew always ate the last Chewy bar out of the box in our childhood. It was bullshit.
"Fuuuuuuuccckkkkk!!!!" Captain Kirk sang as he walked over to us. Parrot Vixie sang in harmony with him.
"Good voice, Captain Kirk!" Count Joebear VonCat said.
It was true. His rustic voice was surprisingly good for a pirate opera singer.
"Rrraaaahhhhkkk. Good voice, Captain Kirk!" Parrot Vixie shouted before she whistled like a cockatoo. She sounded like an actual parrot.
Andrew was laughing. I noticed he had holes in his black socks and was wearing sandals. He was putting me in extreme stress. I HATE holes in socks, and I HATE when people wear socks WITH sandals. What's the point? Maybe because Bob Wellington, Esq. has holes in his socks? I'm mentally-scarred for life.
Children were screaming on their parents' boats at the party. They were dressed as ghouls, ghosts, goblins, and gamers.
"Ah! Can't have a good party without kids!" Bob Wellington, Esq. said.
"THAT'S TRUE! THERE WERE KIDS AT THE LAST FUCKING PARTY!" Captain Kirk shouted as he had a bottle of rum in his hand before he proceeded to down the whole thing.
"HAHAHAHA! GOT ANOTHER BOTTLE?!" Andrew asked.
"Rahhhhrkkkk!! We have several!" Parrot Vixie answered as she bobbed her head around.
I couldn't get over how much like a real parrot Vixie sounded.
Andrew then went to grab a rum bottle from the party cooler and downed it.
Skipper Harriet also drank her bottle.
Bob Wellington, Esq. looked at her before he played a random tuba loudly.
One of the drunken sailor men got so surprised that he fell off of the edge of his ship into the sewer water.
"Everyone. Everyone. I almost forgot! The reason to celebrate the Halloween party TODAY is because it is Skipper Harriet's birthday. Plus, we all like Halloween and realize that with North Amnesty Treatise Organization helping Ukroove against Ruiskha, there might not be an October this year or ever again. So let's celebrate Halloween! Let's celebrate Saint Patrick's Day! And let's celebrate Skipper Harriet's birthday!" Bob Wellington, Esq. shouted.
Leprechauns jumped out of boats and terrorized everyone. One even threw a green frosted cupcake at Harriet. Another danced with Andrew and bit a chunk out of his costume.
"Ah hah HAH, you fucker!" Andrew said as he kicked that leprechaun in the balls. That sandal was wedged in the leprechaun's crotch.
A bunch of obnoxious spooky music showed up for no reason.
"Yooooow!!!! There go me balls. I am now dressed as sandaldick!" that leprechaun said.
Captain Kirk's twins, Mandy and Bentley Bunyon laughed robotically at Sandaldick. Mandy had bright blue eyes and blonde long hair while Bentley had short brown hair, a trimmed beard, and green eyes. They were both dressed as RT2.
Justin Bunyon, Captain Kirk's eldest son, was dressed like a water moccasin and terrorized everyone. Captain Kirk accidentally sang opera to him out of fear. He sounded like the black lady reporter who suddenly became an opera singer on National Television when she was handling a snake during an interview with a zoo keeper.
Little Red Riding Josie, Captain Kirk and Skipper Harriet's daughter, screamed bloody murder. She was still incredibly traumatized from the horde of them that showed up to the pool party on March 7, 2022. She jumped in Captain Kirk's arms.
Captain Kirk and Skipper Harriet were screaming opera to Justin Bunyon the water moccasin. Little Red Riding Josie was screaming in harmony to their opera singing.
"Cacaw!" Parrot Vixie shouted to Justin Bunyon the water moccasin.
"Justin is a very convincing water moccasin. Ha ha. We actually might have to go back to therapy after this party," Mandy and Bentley Bunyon said in a monotone voice similar to how the Delightful Children From Down the Lane sounded in the famous cartoon, Kids Next Door.
Sandy McAfeeMcPhersonMacDonaldMacmillian was dressed up as a birthday cake as she walked off her large ship with her mother, Skipper Harriet's birthday cake that was three feet tall and a foot wide. "Happy Birthday to Mom!" she started to sing.
"Happy Birthday to Harriet! Happy Birthday to Harriet!" we all started to sing.
Justin Bunyon then sang a high note to his stepmother. "Happy Birthday to Doctor Harriet!"
"HOLY SHIT!" Skipper Harriet shouted as she hugged her husband out of fear and stared at her stepson who turned into a water moccasin. Captain Kirk was starting to deflate.
"Happy Birthday to you!" we all sang to her.
"Thank you. But holy shit is Justin convincing! He wins the scary contest. I'm sponsoring him. Jesus Christ!" Skipper Harriet shouted.
"We need him," Count Joebear VonCat said as he removed his bigass head from his bigass body. His head then grew to be the size of the moon. We all felt he had something important to say.
But before Count Joebear VonCat could talk, Ted the Alligator emerged from the sewer and growled a very scary growl.
"HOLY SHIT!" Bob Wellington, Esq. shouted. "I'll sponsor Justin Bunyon, but that alligator is another animal. He wins the contest!... And it looks like I'm going back for an emergency trip to the laundromat."
Ted the Alligator laughed as he climbed on the dock. "Hey everyone! How are you doing? Happy Birthday, Harriet!"
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT TALKS!" Harriet shouted as she hugged Captain Kirk even tighter and tried to hide behind him even if she is one inch taller than him.
"WE KNOW. CAN YOU PLEASE STOP SQUEEZING ME? I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO LITERALLY EXPLODE FROM THE PRESSURE YOU'RE EXERTING ON MY BODY," Captain Kirk asked as he was rasping for air.
"Sorry, Captain Kirk," Skipper Harriet said as she let go of him. "This has been the scariest Halloween ever even though it's technically Saint Patrick's Day. It's 2022 indeed. I am going to drink a giant bottle of beer now. Thank you."
My brother handed her a three-foot tall bottle of beer. He then proceeded to drink his.
"Thank you, Andrew Jones. You now have my sponsorship. Get Skipper Harriet SHITFACED!" Bob Wellington, Esq. said.
Skipper Harriet thanked my shitfaced brother and downed the bottle.
Parrot Vixie was now perched on top of Captain Kirk's ludicrously large pirate hat. She was trying to make sense of this Saint Patrick's Halloween Birthday party but to no avail. She was also smelling Sandy the Birthday Cake.
I ate some of Sandy's birthday cake. It was indescribably good like Zaxby's chicken, but it was a vanilla chocolate kahlua rum cake that actually intoxicated me.
There was a part of the story when Justin Bunyon the water moccasin was chasing his stepsister, Sandy the Birthday Cake around the docks, but I don't remember when it actually happened. Justin Bunyon the water moccasin ate a good portion of the cake and trolled his stepsister by eating her shoe. She spent the better part of the party cussing him out. Parrot Vixie cawed at both of them to try to get some sanity. Captain Kirk demanded that the water moccasin help him fix his God-forsaken tug boat out of frustration.
Ted the Alligator walked around the dock and terrorized everyone. The leprechauns, Andrew Jones, and Ted the Alligator sang "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" while everyone else was trying to gather whatever sanity was left on the Earth.
Skipper Harriet got a bottle of Bath and Body Works body wash from me, copious amounts of alcohol in her system, birthday cake, and trauma from this birthday party that would take many years to fix.
Count Joebear VonCat's head was still floating around us and he finally had this to say, "Who are you looking for?"
"A sane person," Skipper Harriet answered as she cracked open another can of beer and downed it.
"YOU'RE AT THE WRONG PARTY," Captain Kirk spoke.
He was absolutely correct. Everyone at this party had something extremely insane about him or her. Ted the Alligator was no exception. He liked to troll people for no reason.
"Also. I have news for everyone. President Brandon is thinking about sending a nuclear rocket via Fed-Ex to Chinta. All hell is about to break loose even more than it already has," Count Joebear VonCat said.
"Count Joebear VonCat is correct. President Brandon warned Chinta not to help Ruiskha blow up Ukroove," Penn, a middle-aged man with shoulder-length blond hair, blue eyes, and majestic beard said as he appeared. He was dressed like a rockstar.
"Would anyone like any sugar cookies shaped like children and puppies?" Alexia, a woman with long straight brown hair and hazel eyes asked. She was dressed like a painter.
"Sure!" the children, leprechauns, and Parrot Vixie said as they came after her. Parrot Vixie actually flew and cawed at everyone before she ate her cookies.
"I'll take some. I need them to deal with this world," I said as I walked over and grabbed some cookies.
Pauno also brought down cookies and nacho chips from the sky to help us deal with 2022.
"We'll be back after a snack break," Bob Wellington, Esq. said to his camera.