Chapter 8 of Completely Out of Sync: Too Many Frustrations of the New Millennium
Chapter 8 of Completely Out of Sync: Too Many Frustrations of the New Millennium - Joebear Saves the Day, or Tries to Anyway
I know I said that I would do anything for Xara, my beautiful wife that I love literally more than the world itself, but I’ll be honest, I didn’t need this shit today. I had a ton of errands to run, but a bunch of random shit stopped me from doing that today. And now my car is too fucked up for me to even process what the fuck just happened to me. Of course, never fails. Whenever I need to do something, random shit fucks up my day for no reason. I went in the apartment to ATTEMPT to find Xara’s credit card, but the putrid smell of cat piss and shit greeted me.
“Ughhh! What the fuck is that?” I asked aloud.
I went to the cat room, and it turns out that there was a MASS cat diarrhea explosion all over the room.
“Garfield, Oreo, Kissy, your asses have exploded. What the fuck did you eat? Oh God, it’s bad,” I said as I laughed in disbelief.
Oreo, senior passed away on December 11, 2018. It was a very sad day. On the same day, Xara and I went to the Humane Society and got Cupid. At first, Cupid was a beautiful fine cat, but she turned out to be a real bitch, so I cloned her before I ate her. I named her clone Kissy because it turns out that Cupid was a match-making demon who ended up making love to his mother. I wasn’t about to name my cat after a demon by mistake again, so this new cat was named Kissy.
Two years later, Kissy needed a friend because Garfield was frankly getting too old to deal with her bullshit. So, I looked on Craigslist and found Miss Oreo, our new black and white kitten. She is a beautiful kitten, but she gets into literally everything. She even knows how to use a computer and a smart phone. She watched Inland Empire with my wife until two hours in. That was too much bullshit even for Miss Oreo. Right now, I feel like I am in a real life version of Inland Empire.
I definitely couldn’t process what happened in the cat litter box room. I gagged before I immediately threw the litter pans in the parking lot. I was certain that a few cat turds hit some of the other cars in the lot, but I didn’t care. I hurled the mats soaked in piss and diarrhea into the lot near another vehicle. I then proceeded to sweep, mop, and wash down the mats and the cat room itself. I mopped the room and washed the walls four times. I turned the fan on in the room before drying the mats and putting them back in the room. I emptied some large plastic containers, put them in the cat room, and poured litter into them.
“Ughh! FUCK THAT!” I screamed as I took a shower. I doused myself in body wash and hot ass water. I then used a hair-dryer to dry myself off. Then, I continued my search for the credit card for five minutes before calling Xara.
“BAE WHUH! I am just not moving. They are full force with this circus parade bullshit,” she responded.
“Ugh. Gotta love Georgia. Uhh! Let’s have a parade in Monday morning traffic. Huh Duh Duh Durr… Durrr! No IQ here,” I went on a rampage.
Xara laughed hysterically. “’Yeah, really, baebae. What do you need?”
“Where did you put the card?” I asked.
“First drawer in my desk,” she answered.
“Thank you,” I said as I found it and put it in my pocket. “Now I can get the fuck out of here.”
“Thank God. Tim Black is fucked up,” she said.
“Yeah. I can’t believe the Veterans Administration is actually holding people hostage over this Coronavirus bullshit. My God, this is getting out of hand,” I said. “Always something.”
“Tell me about it. UGH! I gotta go. Lorraine Black is calling AGAIN. Goddammit! Here we go,” she said before her call disconnected.
I sighed angrily as I headed out of the door. I knew nothing about Lorraine Black other than the fact that she and her husband, Tim Black, argued about everything and anything, including the movie, A Christmas Story. It sounds like they have the same relationship that we had for the first few months after my mother passed away in 2015. It was a rough time for everyone. I have the same questions then as I did now: What the fuck? Why is this happening?
At least my engine started before I drove like a bear out of the littered parking lot. That parking lot was filled with random wires, plastic pieces, bottles, cat litter pans, cat shit, and other random bullshit. Fuck it! No other resident of this apartment complex works. They walk around like duhhh hurr durr. They sway their shoulders back and forth like they’re cool and all of that and a bag of chips. Like, we’re not in high school anymore. Please stop walking like that. No one is going to take you seriously. They can clean this shit up. Fuck ‘em. I pay over $800 in rent, and I am the only person besides Xara who fucking works in this neighborhood. Ugh. I wish these people had hobbies. I have to work and hear their monkey shit outside of my window every single day of my life. Ugh. So over it. I have to drive around these idiots, too. Sometimes, when I drive, the truck in front of me just stops driving. Like, what the fuck? Did your brain explode or something, dude? What the fuck happened? And now two assholes are in two different lanes driving at the same speed. I wish these lower life forms would just fuck off already. I swear they must have come from UNG! University of North Georgia. ‘Where did your graduate from?’ ‘I GRADUATED FROM UNG!’ Fucking morons. Each year I live here, I feel like my IQ goes down about 15 points. Oh God.
I was finally at the Enterprise where I could rent a car that would drive to wherever the fuck Lorraine Black was and to where Tim Black was held hostage. I walked up to the front desk and asked for a cheap vehicle to rent.
“How long will you need it? Do you have a driver’s license and proof of insurance?” the sales person asked.
“For at least two days, please,” I said as I handed him my driver’s license and proof of car insurance.
“What kind of vehicle do you need?” the sales person asked.
“THE CHEAPEST ONE YA GOT,” I said.
“We have a Nissan Versa 2009 for $40.86 per day,” he said.
“Holy Shit, no thanks. That’s highway robbery!” I said as I turned around and walked out.
Fuck that price. I wasn’t about to pay $40 a day for a car when two years ago, I paid $23.99 for a car at the same location. I understand that inflation exists, especially in 2020, but get the fuck out of here. I’m not paying that price. I’m going to try somewhere else. So, I turned on my smartphone and started looking up cheaper alternatives to rental cars.
I looked up Budget Car Rental and found something that would be better. I made my reservation online because I didn’t want to fuck with humanity. For a two-day rental, I only paid $73.98. Yeah, $40 a day is a rip-off. Fuck off with that.
After driving a few more minutes in this fucked-up traffic, I picked up my vehicle from the Budget Car Rental. The dude at the register was actually half-decent.
“I’ll take you to your car, sir,” he said as he led me to the vehicle. I followed him and got in the car.
“Thank you. Have a nice day!” I said as I started to drive away. I added a little laugh because I could.
“You, too, sir. Thank you for business! Come back in two days!” he screamed as I drove away.
Thank God that was over with. I did put my GPS in the rental car, so I put the address that Xara gave me into the GPS to pick up Lorraine Black. I saw that I was going to Statham, which is where the nearest 5G tower is to us. I was starting to get nervous like I always do. I called Xara.
“Yes, bae. I’m almost at work,” Xara said.
“Please tell Lorraine Black that I am on my way,” I commanded of her.
“I will, my love,” she answered.
“Thank you. I’m on my way,” I said.
“I’ll let her know,” she said.
“Oh brother. Here we go, an interesting drive to the 5G tower,” I said as I sighed.
“Sorry, baebae. Thank you, baebae!” she said.
“Welcome. Love you,” I said.
“Love you, too, sweeeeetie!” she said in her typical operatic voice.
I hung up the phone. At least I don’t have to use my own car for this annoying drive. Sigh! I have a life outside of bailing baby boomers out of stupid bullshit, but I do it for my bae. This is a part of being a good Christian. More people stopped driving in front of me. I swear, Georgia is the most ignorant place I have ever seen in my life.
I know I said that I would do anything for Xara, my beautiful wife that I love literally more than the world itself, but I’ll be honest, I didn’t need this shit today. I had a ton of errands to run, but a bunch of random shit stopped me from doing that today. And now my car is too fucked up for me to even process what the fuck just happened to me. Of course, never fails. Whenever I need to do something, random shit fucks up my day for no reason. I went in the apartment to ATTEMPT to find Xara’s credit card, but the putrid smell of cat piss and shit greeted me.
“Ughhh! What the fuck is that?” I asked aloud.
I went to the cat room, and it turns out that there was a MASS cat diarrhea explosion all over the room.
“Garfield, Oreo, Kissy, your asses have exploded. What the fuck did you eat? Oh God, it’s bad,” I said as I laughed in disbelief.
Oreo, senior passed away on December 11, 2018. It was a very sad day. On the same day, Xara and I went to the Humane Society and got Cupid. At first, Cupid was a beautiful fine cat, but she turned out to be a real bitch, so I cloned her before I ate her. I named her clone Kissy because it turns out that Cupid was a match-making demon who ended up making love to his mother. I wasn’t about to name my cat after a demon by mistake again, so this new cat was named Kissy.
Two years later, Kissy needed a friend because Garfield was frankly getting too old to deal with her bullshit. So, I looked on Craigslist and found Miss Oreo, our new black and white kitten. She is a beautiful kitten, but she gets into literally everything. She even knows how to use a computer and a smart phone. She watched Inland Empire with my wife until two hours in. That was too much bullshit even for Miss Oreo. Right now, I feel like I am in a real life version of Inland Empire.
I definitely couldn’t process what happened in the cat litter box room. I gagged before I immediately threw the litter pans in the parking lot. I was certain that a few cat turds hit some of the other cars in the lot, but I didn’t care. I hurled the mats soaked in piss and diarrhea into the lot near another vehicle. I then proceeded to sweep, mop, and wash down the mats and the cat room itself. I mopped the room and washed the walls four times. I turned the fan on in the room before drying the mats and putting them back in the room. I emptied some large plastic containers, put them in the cat room, and poured litter into them.
“Ughh! FUCK THAT!” I screamed as I took a shower. I doused myself in body wash and hot ass water. I then used a hair-dryer to dry myself off. Then, I continued my search for the credit card for five minutes before calling Xara.
“BAE WHUH! I am just not moving. They are full force with this circus parade bullshit,” she responded.
“Ugh. Gotta love Georgia. Uhh! Let’s have a parade in Monday morning traffic. Huh Duh Duh Durr… Durrr! No IQ here,” I went on a rampage.
Xara laughed hysterically. “’Yeah, really, baebae. What do you need?”
“Where did you put the card?” I asked.
“First drawer in my desk,” she answered.
“Thank you,” I said as I found it and put it in my pocket. “Now I can get the fuck out of here.”
“Thank God. Tim Black is fucked up,” she said.
“Yeah. I can’t believe the Veterans Administration is actually holding people hostage over this Coronavirus bullshit. My God, this is getting out of hand,” I said. “Always something.”
“Tell me about it. UGH! I gotta go. Lorraine Black is calling AGAIN. Goddammit! Here we go,” she said before her call disconnected.
I sighed angrily as I headed out of the door. I knew nothing about Lorraine Black other than the fact that she and her husband, Tim Black, argued about everything and anything, including the movie, A Christmas Story. It sounds like they have the same relationship that we had for the first few months after my mother passed away in 2015. It was a rough time for everyone. I have the same questions then as I did now: What the fuck? Why is this happening?
At least my engine started before I drove like a bear out of the littered parking lot. That parking lot was filled with random wires, plastic pieces, bottles, cat litter pans, cat shit, and other random bullshit. Fuck it! No other resident of this apartment complex works. They walk around like duhhh hurr durr. They sway their shoulders back and forth like they’re cool and all of that and a bag of chips. Like, we’re not in high school anymore. Please stop walking like that. No one is going to take you seriously. They can clean this shit up. Fuck ‘em. I pay over $800 in rent, and I am the only person besides Xara who fucking works in this neighborhood. Ugh. I wish these people had hobbies. I have to work and hear their monkey shit outside of my window every single day of my life. Ugh. So over it. I have to drive around these idiots, too. Sometimes, when I drive, the truck in front of me just stops driving. Like, what the fuck? Did your brain explode or something, dude? What the fuck happened? And now two assholes are in two different lanes driving at the same speed. I wish these lower life forms would just fuck off already. I swear they must have come from UNG! University of North Georgia. ‘Where did your graduate from?’ ‘I GRADUATED FROM UNG!’ Fucking morons. Each year I live here, I feel like my IQ goes down about 15 points. Oh God.
I was finally at the Enterprise where I could rent a car that would drive to wherever the fuck Lorraine Black was and to where Tim Black was held hostage. I walked up to the front desk and asked for a cheap vehicle to rent.
“How long will you need it? Do you have a driver’s license and proof of insurance?” the sales person asked.
“For at least two days, please,” I said as I handed him my driver’s license and proof of car insurance.
“What kind of vehicle do you need?” the sales person asked.
“THE CHEAPEST ONE YA GOT,” I said.
“We have a Nissan Versa 2009 for $40.86 per day,” he said.
“Holy Shit, no thanks. That’s highway robbery!” I said as I turned around and walked out.
Fuck that price. I wasn’t about to pay $40 a day for a car when two years ago, I paid $23.99 for a car at the same location. I understand that inflation exists, especially in 2020, but get the fuck out of here. I’m not paying that price. I’m going to try somewhere else. So, I turned on my smartphone and started looking up cheaper alternatives to rental cars.
I looked up Budget Car Rental and found something that would be better. I made my reservation online because I didn’t want to fuck with humanity. For a two-day rental, I only paid $73.98. Yeah, $40 a day is a rip-off. Fuck off with that.
After driving a few more minutes in this fucked-up traffic, I picked up my vehicle from the Budget Car Rental. The dude at the register was actually half-decent.
“I’ll take you to your car, sir,” he said as he led me to the vehicle. I followed him and got in the car.
“Thank you. Have a nice day!” I said as I started to drive away. I added a little laugh because I could.
“You, too, sir. Thank you for business! Come back in two days!” he screamed as I drove away.
Thank God that was over with. I did put my GPS in the rental car, so I put the address that Xara gave me into the GPS to pick up Lorraine Black. I saw that I was going to Statham, which is where the nearest 5G tower is to us. I was starting to get nervous like I always do. I called Xara.
“Yes, bae. I’m almost at work,” Xara said.
“Please tell Lorraine Black that I am on my way,” I commanded of her.
“I will, my love,” she answered.
“Thank you. I’m on my way,” I said.
“I’ll let her know,” she said.
“Oh brother. Here we go, an interesting drive to the 5G tower,” I said as I sighed.
“Sorry, baebae. Thank you, baebae!” she said.
“Welcome. Love you,” I said.
“Love you, too, sweeeeetie!” she said in her typical operatic voice.
I hung up the phone. At least I don’t have to use my own car for this annoying drive. Sigh! I have a life outside of bailing baby boomers out of stupid bullshit, but I do it for my bae. This is a part of being a good Christian. More people stopped driving in front of me. I swear, Georgia is the most ignorant place I have ever seen in my life.