Peter, Joebear, and I Ended Up In China
I awakened to the smell of vegetables cooking. I yawned and stretched before my left arm accidentally bumped into a bear. The bear growled loudly.
My eyes popped open to the sound of Joebear growling. Holy Shit! I usually knew better than to wake a sleeping bear.
Peter shot up from the foot of the bed and stared at Joebear who had his eyes closed and was growling. Peter was still wearing his glasses. "What. The. Fuck?" he whispered to me.
"Dude, I don't know," I whispered back to him. "What the fuck are you doing at the edge of the bed?"
"Fuck if I know!!!!!!" Peter whispered as he shrugged dramatically.
Joebear growled before he opened his eyes and saw us. "What the hell?" he asked.
"Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Holy Shit! Ahhhhh!!! I don't know I don't know I don't know!!!!" Peter screamed loudly.
"I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW!!!" Joebear and I sang loudly.
Peter screamed for a long period of time before looking down and realizing he was wearing a Chinese hospital gown. "And how the fuck did I get into thisss???!!!!!"
I looked down at myself and realized that I was wearing the same thing. "Dude, I don't know. One minute we were fixing your God-forsaken computer, Peter, and the next minute we're fucking here. Where the fuck are we?" I asked.
Joebear, who was also wearing a Chinese hospital gown, looked around and sniffed. "What the fuck? We're in China. I'm starving!!!!" Joebear said as he got out of the bamboo bed and charged for the front door. He was sniffing for food.
Peter meanwhile got out of bed before he followed Joebear. "I could use some coffee," he said. "And some answers..."
"All right. I'll follow you guys," I said as I got out of the smooth, white 100 percent cotton sheets of the bamboo bed. I looked around at the Chinese calendars on the wall that said 1983, the waving cat on the wooden dresser, and the scrolls hanging from the wall. I pulled at the corners of my eyes before I said, "Herrrrrrrrooooooooooo! Why da fuck are we in year 1983?!"
Peter burst out laughing. "Oh my God that's so racist! ..." His eyes popped up in realization. "WHAT?! WE'RE IN 1983!!!! HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN?!"
"I DON'T KNOW, DUDE! I DON'T EXIST!" I screamed. I was supposed to be born in 1988. What the fuck am I doing five years before then?
Peter sighed loudly and took a deep breath before he spoke again, "...I need coffee to deal with the stress with this conversation," he said as he walked out of the room.
I followed him outside with wide eyes and could also use a super strong cup of coffee to deal with the fact that I somehow ended up in China in 1983 of all years. "Where the hell are we going to get a cup of coffee?" I asked. "And what the hell am I doing in 1983? I'm not born yet!!!!"
"I hope there is a kitchen around here," Peter said as he was sniffing. "And someone with some answers..."
"There has to be. I smell food cooking," I said.
The house we were in was very decorated with golden gongs on the walls. The walls were a royal red that were lined with gold trim.
Peter and I walked to the kitchen to see an elderly Chinese lady making tea with a legitimate tea pot. She was making stir fry for breakfast. Joebear was at the table already drinking tea and eating the stir fry and egg foo yong. He made a happy moan of joy as he ate.
Colonel America and Murphee were there as well, and they ate. Garfield, Gabby, and Kissy were on the kitchen counter waving their right front paw repeatedly and meowing. What the fuck are the animals doing here? They weren't born yet.
"Okay what the fuck? Is this some kind of dream? Why am I in 1983? I'm not born yet!!!" I said loudly in confusion.
"Yes, you are in a dream essentially. It's a psychological experiment that the Chinese and American militaries are secretly conducting. That Chinese lady cooking breakfast manifested us into existing in this reality. Basically, we are part of Project Montauk," Joebear said plainly. How the fuck did he know that?
"Basically, we use mind control and alter electromagnetic fields to psyche out the enemy," the elderly Chinese lady cooking the food said. "We use time machines as portals from the Matrix world you know into the real world. We bend time."
"Holy Fuck. What is going on?" Peter asked as he sat down next to Joebear to eat breakfast.
The Chinese lady served Peter his food. "I manifested having a tall, curly-haired Irish man here to help me thwart the Chinese system," she said. "Let me clarify. We transfer people from one end to the Earth to another simply by using telekinesis. I'm actually a scientist who works in the top secret sector of the Chinese military," she said.
Peter rolled his eyes and chuckled. "Sounds like Xara's dream all right. Get me the fuck out of here," he said.
"Actually, we are in each others' dreams," Colonel America said. "Welcome to quantum physics."
"WHAT'S QUANTUM?! WHAT'S PHYSICS?!" Peter screamed as he accidentally knocked over his tea cup with his sudden arm movement. "Fuck."
"Fuck indeed. I still have no idea what is going on," Colonel America said. "But I think it resembles Star Trek, Dark, and Stranger Things."
"Actually, this project is much more complex than the media portrays it to be. They leave out A LOT of details," the Chinese lady said as she brought over another cup of tea for Peter. "Basically this is the Chinese version of The Philadelphia experiments," she said.
Colonel America sighed, slapped his forehead, and said, "I knew that! I was part of the military."
"Oh my God! This is as bad as me trying to write a story that rebels against the Chinese elite so that I can post it on the dark web!!!!!" Peter screamed.
"This universe is incoherent because we are passing outside of time," Murphee said.
"And the fucking dog can talk!!!! UGHHH!!!" Peter put his elbows on the table and placed his hands on his head.
"Fuck you. At least YOUR writing doesn't suck!" I said as I drank my tea angrily. "Dammit! My genius shall never be recognized! Everyone is smarter than me," I said as I had a random panic attack while trying to drink tea. "Plus, at least you guys were all BORN in 1983! What the fuck am I doing here?"
"THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!!!" Peter screamed.
"Yes, yes, yes. You two are brainwashed into believing that certain ways of writing are correct! Morons!" Joebear said as he paused from eating.
Albear, Joebear's twin brother, walked in with the same type of gown we were wearing.
"Oh awesome! Now I end up in a Chinese mental hospital. How? I don't know. I fucked up my time travel experiment. P.S. Peter is a fucking moron, and Xara shouldn't exist yet," he said.
Peter flicked him off. "Fuck you, dude. Just because I can't get a stellar score on an IQ test made for white male BEARS doesn't necessarily mean I'm retarded. Bullshit standards. I have compassion UNLIKE YOU!!!" he said with emphasis.
"At least you can write, Peter. Xara can't even do that!" Albear said.
"Oh God don't I know it. She is more washed up than I am," Peter said.
"True. My shitty writing is what led us here... in this Chinese mental military hospital," I said as I took a bite of my stir fry. "I wrote myself out of existence, manifested the Chinese lady cooking here who then manifested me.... Thirty six years ago. What the actual fuck?"
"Yeah, and I'm some extremely angry Gary Stu in your stories. So stupid! No one wants to read that shit," Peter said.
"Incorrect. I do. I find your suffering and agony extremely hilarious," Joebear said as he finally finished eating.
"I agree with Peter. The idea of him being the angry yet somehow important character in most of Xara's stories is completely fucking stupid," Colonel America said.
Murphee barked three times to emphasize Colonel America's point.
Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing entered the kitchen with his two dogs, a pitbull mix named Duke the Ace of Dodging and a black Labrador named Riley the Ace of Riddling.
"What the fuck am I doing back in 1983?" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing asked. "I was a model for clothes in my day. What am I doing here?"
"Your guess is as good as mine. I'm not even supposed to exist. And neither are they," Murphee said.
"Actually, because Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing, Duke the Ace of Dodging, and Riley the Ace of Riddling have titles, they can exist throughout time," I said.
"Murphee, you are supposed to have a title," Duke the Ace of Dodging said.
Murphee barked at him twice. "How the fuck did you know my name?!" he asked.
"We met in a reality in which we were attending a Secret American Society of Sexually-Frustrated Goats meeting," Duke the Ace of Dodging answered.
"Yeah. You are Murphee the Ace of Munching," Riley the Ace of Riddling said.
"Holy Shit. No wonder I exist in 1983," Murphee the Ace of Munching said.
"Yep. You are now one of us," Duke the Ace of Dodging said.
"Yes! We need dogs like that guy has!!" Joebear exclaimed as he acknowledged the brown-bear-human-hybrid, Bruce The Ace of Brake-fixing. "That way, maintenance won't fuck with us or our stuff. I'd like to see them come unannounced with Kujo there."
Murphee the Ace of Munching growled like Kujo to prove Joebear's point.
Albear added onto Joebear's point. "It's true. In 2019, a Georgia apartment complex has many ignorant maintenance men that invade your home unannounced. They have no respect for human decency or personal space."
Joebear said, "I need to manifest a guard dog to protect our shit from those ignorant fucks. I'd like to see them try to come in my house with a big bite mark on their ass."
Colonel America, Peter, Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing, Duke the Ace of Dodging, Riley the Ace of Riddling, Murphee the Ace of Munching, and I laughed hysterically.
The Chinese lady chuckled before she said, "Yes, yes. All hysterics aside, perhaps I can show you a video that would help explain some of the research we are conducting. Please sit down and enjoy your meals and the video."
She served everyone a bowl of stirfry and a bottle of water before she showed us this video: https://youtu.be/xwj2asmeqmI
Murphee the Ace of Munching randomly barked in the middle of the video.
"Murphee (the Ace of Munching) is a can of Budweiser beer," I said.
Murphee the Ace of Munching temporarily became a can of Budweiser beer with his own face on it.
We watched some of this video before Preston Nichols, the one of scientists who worked on Project Montauk, said, "The time is now!!! The time is now!!!"
All of a sudden, the kitchen descended slowly down into a lab that had only infrared lights. We were hearing loud meows.
Duncan Cameron, a fellow subject of the Project Montauk, walked toward us and said, "Hello. You have reached a reality in which there is no time, but only now. Eternity." He looked like a typical crew member in Star Trek.
"Holy Shit!!! I always knew this existed!!!" Colonel America said excitedly.
A six-foot reptilian with a lab coat walked in the room. "You are now subjects of Project Montauk in China," she said in the Chinese lady's voice.
"Why did you choose us?" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing asked. "And why are you a six-foot reptile? Holy Shit I have a lot of questions!"
"Because you..." the Chinese lizard said as she counted Joebear, Albear, Peter, Colonel America, Murphee the Ace of Munching, Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing, Duke the Ace of Dodging, Riley the Ace of Riddling, and me. "Nine are the best truthers America has to offer. And I am a six-foot reptile because I am a six-foot reptile. I exist to exist."
"Make that ten!!!" Gabby said in his deep voice as he walked over to me.
"Eleven," Garfield said as he walked over to Joebear.
"Twelve!" Kissy yelled strongly as she ran toward Peter.
"Okay. Six big animals, six pets," the Chinese lizard said. "Perfect. Duncan, hook them up."
"What are you doing?!" Albear asked.
"Hooking you up to a computer mainframe," the Chinese lizard as she put helmets on most of our heads and hooked us up to the machines.
"Are you trying to reprogram us?!" Joebear yelled.
"Nooooo. I'm using your brains to reprogram the world around us," she said as she put metal vests on us similar to what dentists use for X-Rays.
"Cool! I'm all for it!" Peter said with a smile as she put a helmet with wires attached to it on his curls. His curls were so long that they flattened over his eyes.
"Wait, are you sure we're supposed to be doing this?!" Joebear asked as she was now putting the helmet on his head.
"Yeah, really. Why are you doing this?!" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing asked.
"Because you will solve all major life problems! World hunger, lack of intelligence, lack of kindness, helping unlock the collective intelligence this world has, and of course bringing more bears into the world. The world needs more bears," the Chinese lizard said as she came over to me. "And you. You're the true creator of what will be." She put the helmet on my head.
"I can agree. There aren't enough bears in the world," Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing said with a laugh.
Colonel America laughed loudly. "HA! HA! The lack of bears is in the world is a first world problem. Now getting rid of Republicans! That's what we need to do!!!" he shouted.
"Yes!!!" Peter, Albear, Joebear, and Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing yelled.
"Republicans have caused all of my psychological problems!!!!" Peter yelled.
"They are brainwashing douchebags!!!" Albear yelled.
"They take take take and give nothing back!!!" Joebear yelled.
"My wife is a Republican!!! And she's a stone cold bitch!!!" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing yelled.
"So was mine. Ding Dong the Witch is dead! The Witch is Dead! The Witch is Dead! Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is DEEEAAAADDD!!!" Colonel America sang.
Everyone in the room laughed.
"Dude, you're funny," Duncan said as he tried to remove Colonel America's helmet.
Colonel America kicked him in the head.
"There are holes for wires already IN the helmet," Colonel America said.
"Same deal here," Murphee the Ace of Munching said.
"I, too, have holes in my helmet for wires to hook up to my magnificent brain. Hahaha!!!" Gabby said and laughed in his deep voice.
"I understand," Duncan said as he hooked those three up to the machine. He didn't react to being kicked in the head.
When every human and animal was hooked up to the machine, the Chinese lizard flipped a switch and turned on the mainframe computer.
Then, she turned on the computer mainframe. I heard bleeps and numbers being spoken quickly in Chinese.
"1101100111," Joebear muttered. He was definitely one of the computer masterminds in this room. He definitely had no problem connecting to the virtual world. He was speaking binary, the computer language of 0s and 1s. 0 means "off." 1 means "on."
"0010011000," Albear muttered. He was another computer genius. He also had zero problem connecting to the virtual world.
"HOLY SHIT!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing screamed as his eyes were almost bugged.
"One plus one equals two. One plus one plus one equals three. One plus one plus one plus one equals four. One plus one plus one plus one plus one equals five..." Colonel America rambled on.
Murphee the Ace of Munching, Duke the Ace of Dodging, and Riley the Ace of Riddling barked nine times.
Gabby, Garfield, and Kissy meowed nine times.
Peter also was there, but he was freaking out because he wasn't as tech savvy as the rest of us.
As for me, I was falling into a deep sleep...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
We returned to about a few minutes before we ended up in the secret laboratory.
Peter slammed his chopsticks on the table a few times before standing up abruptly. "You know what fuck this story. Fuck this experiment. Fuck quantum physics and my involvement in it. I am going to walk out of this piece of shit story because I don't give a fuck. I am going back to America where the fuck I belong. I can't deal with Xara or her bullshit writing anymore. I AM NO LONGER GOING TO BE A CHARACTER IN THIS CONVOLUTED UNIVERSE!!! This is worse than the trauma Nicholas Cage went through in Adaptation!!!" Peter screamed.
"He was one ugly mother fucker," Albear said. "He always played the same role in every movie. It was Nicholas Cage starring Nicholas Cage."
Everyone except Albear and Peter laughed.
"You're so boring, Peter," I said.
Everyone else except Peter and me laughed.
"Oh fuck this! I'm walking out of here," Peter said as he walked out of the kitchen before he disappeared in thin air.
My eyes popped open to the sound of Joebear growling. Holy Shit! I usually knew better than to wake a sleeping bear.
Peter shot up from the foot of the bed and stared at Joebear who had his eyes closed and was growling. Peter was still wearing his glasses. "What. The. Fuck?" he whispered to me.
"Dude, I don't know," I whispered back to him. "What the fuck are you doing at the edge of the bed?"
"Fuck if I know!!!!!!" Peter whispered as he shrugged dramatically.
Joebear growled before he opened his eyes and saw us. "What the hell?" he asked.
"Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Holy Shit! Ahhhhh!!! I don't know I don't know I don't know!!!!" Peter screamed loudly.
"I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW!!!" Joebear and I sang loudly.
Peter screamed for a long period of time before looking down and realizing he was wearing a Chinese hospital gown. "And how the fuck did I get into thisss???!!!!!"
I looked down at myself and realized that I was wearing the same thing. "Dude, I don't know. One minute we were fixing your God-forsaken computer, Peter, and the next minute we're fucking here. Where the fuck are we?" I asked.
Joebear, who was also wearing a Chinese hospital gown, looked around and sniffed. "What the fuck? We're in China. I'm starving!!!!" Joebear said as he got out of the bamboo bed and charged for the front door. He was sniffing for food.
Peter meanwhile got out of bed before he followed Joebear. "I could use some coffee," he said. "And some answers..."
"All right. I'll follow you guys," I said as I got out of the smooth, white 100 percent cotton sheets of the bamboo bed. I looked around at the Chinese calendars on the wall that said 1983, the waving cat on the wooden dresser, and the scrolls hanging from the wall. I pulled at the corners of my eyes before I said, "Herrrrrrrrooooooooooo! Why da fuck are we in year 1983?!"
Peter burst out laughing. "Oh my God that's so racist! ..." His eyes popped up in realization. "WHAT?! WE'RE IN 1983!!!! HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN?!"
"I DON'T KNOW, DUDE! I DON'T EXIST!" I screamed. I was supposed to be born in 1988. What the fuck am I doing five years before then?
Peter sighed loudly and took a deep breath before he spoke again, "...I need coffee to deal with the stress with this conversation," he said as he walked out of the room.
I followed him outside with wide eyes and could also use a super strong cup of coffee to deal with the fact that I somehow ended up in China in 1983 of all years. "Where the hell are we going to get a cup of coffee?" I asked. "And what the hell am I doing in 1983? I'm not born yet!!!!"
"I hope there is a kitchen around here," Peter said as he was sniffing. "And someone with some answers..."
"There has to be. I smell food cooking," I said.
The house we were in was very decorated with golden gongs on the walls. The walls were a royal red that were lined with gold trim.
Peter and I walked to the kitchen to see an elderly Chinese lady making tea with a legitimate tea pot. She was making stir fry for breakfast. Joebear was at the table already drinking tea and eating the stir fry and egg foo yong. He made a happy moan of joy as he ate.
Colonel America and Murphee were there as well, and they ate. Garfield, Gabby, and Kissy were on the kitchen counter waving their right front paw repeatedly and meowing. What the fuck are the animals doing here? They weren't born yet.
"Okay what the fuck? Is this some kind of dream? Why am I in 1983? I'm not born yet!!!" I said loudly in confusion.
"Yes, you are in a dream essentially. It's a psychological experiment that the Chinese and American militaries are secretly conducting. That Chinese lady cooking breakfast manifested us into existing in this reality. Basically, we are part of Project Montauk," Joebear said plainly. How the fuck did he know that?
"Basically, we use mind control and alter electromagnetic fields to psyche out the enemy," the elderly Chinese lady cooking the food said. "We use time machines as portals from the Matrix world you know into the real world. We bend time."
"Holy Fuck. What is going on?" Peter asked as he sat down next to Joebear to eat breakfast.
The Chinese lady served Peter his food. "I manifested having a tall, curly-haired Irish man here to help me thwart the Chinese system," she said. "Let me clarify. We transfer people from one end to the Earth to another simply by using telekinesis. I'm actually a scientist who works in the top secret sector of the Chinese military," she said.
Peter rolled his eyes and chuckled. "Sounds like Xara's dream all right. Get me the fuck out of here," he said.
"Actually, we are in each others' dreams," Colonel America said. "Welcome to quantum physics."
"WHAT'S QUANTUM?! WHAT'S PHYSICS?!" Peter screamed as he accidentally knocked over his tea cup with his sudden arm movement. "Fuck."
"Fuck indeed. I still have no idea what is going on," Colonel America said. "But I think it resembles Star Trek, Dark, and Stranger Things."
"Actually, this project is much more complex than the media portrays it to be. They leave out A LOT of details," the Chinese lady said as she brought over another cup of tea for Peter. "Basically this is the Chinese version of The Philadelphia experiments," she said.
Colonel America sighed, slapped his forehead, and said, "I knew that! I was part of the military."
"Oh my God! This is as bad as me trying to write a story that rebels against the Chinese elite so that I can post it on the dark web!!!!!" Peter screamed.
"This universe is incoherent because we are passing outside of time," Murphee said.
"And the fucking dog can talk!!!! UGHHH!!!" Peter put his elbows on the table and placed his hands on his head.
"Fuck you. At least YOUR writing doesn't suck!" I said as I drank my tea angrily. "Dammit! My genius shall never be recognized! Everyone is smarter than me," I said as I had a random panic attack while trying to drink tea. "Plus, at least you guys were all BORN in 1983! What the fuck am I doing here?"
"THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!!!" Peter screamed.
"Yes, yes, yes. You two are brainwashed into believing that certain ways of writing are correct! Morons!" Joebear said as he paused from eating.
Albear, Joebear's twin brother, walked in with the same type of gown we were wearing.
"Oh awesome! Now I end up in a Chinese mental hospital. How? I don't know. I fucked up my time travel experiment. P.S. Peter is a fucking moron, and Xara shouldn't exist yet," he said.
Peter flicked him off. "Fuck you, dude. Just because I can't get a stellar score on an IQ test made for white male BEARS doesn't necessarily mean I'm retarded. Bullshit standards. I have compassion UNLIKE YOU!!!" he said with emphasis.
"At least you can write, Peter. Xara can't even do that!" Albear said.
"Oh God don't I know it. She is more washed up than I am," Peter said.
"True. My shitty writing is what led us here... in this Chinese mental military hospital," I said as I took a bite of my stir fry. "I wrote myself out of existence, manifested the Chinese lady cooking here who then manifested me.... Thirty six years ago. What the actual fuck?"
"Yeah, and I'm some extremely angry Gary Stu in your stories. So stupid! No one wants to read that shit," Peter said.
"Incorrect. I do. I find your suffering and agony extremely hilarious," Joebear said as he finally finished eating.
"I agree with Peter. The idea of him being the angry yet somehow important character in most of Xara's stories is completely fucking stupid," Colonel America said.
Murphee barked three times to emphasize Colonel America's point.
Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing entered the kitchen with his two dogs, a pitbull mix named Duke the Ace of Dodging and a black Labrador named Riley the Ace of Riddling.
"What the fuck am I doing back in 1983?" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing asked. "I was a model for clothes in my day. What am I doing here?"
"Your guess is as good as mine. I'm not even supposed to exist. And neither are they," Murphee said.
"Actually, because Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing, Duke the Ace of Dodging, and Riley the Ace of Riddling have titles, they can exist throughout time," I said.
"Murphee, you are supposed to have a title," Duke the Ace of Dodging said.
Murphee barked at him twice. "How the fuck did you know my name?!" he asked.
"We met in a reality in which we were attending a Secret American Society of Sexually-Frustrated Goats meeting," Duke the Ace of Dodging answered.
"Yeah. You are Murphee the Ace of Munching," Riley the Ace of Riddling said.
"Holy Shit. No wonder I exist in 1983," Murphee the Ace of Munching said.
"Yep. You are now one of us," Duke the Ace of Dodging said.
"Yes! We need dogs like that guy has!!" Joebear exclaimed as he acknowledged the brown-bear-human-hybrid, Bruce The Ace of Brake-fixing. "That way, maintenance won't fuck with us or our stuff. I'd like to see them come unannounced with Kujo there."
Murphee the Ace of Munching growled like Kujo to prove Joebear's point.
Albear added onto Joebear's point. "It's true. In 2019, a Georgia apartment complex has many ignorant maintenance men that invade your home unannounced. They have no respect for human decency or personal space."
Joebear said, "I need to manifest a guard dog to protect our shit from those ignorant fucks. I'd like to see them try to come in my house with a big bite mark on their ass."
Colonel America, Peter, Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing, Duke the Ace of Dodging, Riley the Ace of Riddling, Murphee the Ace of Munching, and I laughed hysterically.
The Chinese lady chuckled before she said, "Yes, yes. All hysterics aside, perhaps I can show you a video that would help explain some of the research we are conducting. Please sit down and enjoy your meals and the video."
She served everyone a bowl of stirfry and a bottle of water before she showed us this video: https://youtu.be/xwj2asmeqmI
Murphee the Ace of Munching randomly barked in the middle of the video.
"Murphee (the Ace of Munching) is a can of Budweiser beer," I said.
Murphee the Ace of Munching temporarily became a can of Budweiser beer with his own face on it.
We watched some of this video before Preston Nichols, the one of scientists who worked on Project Montauk, said, "The time is now!!! The time is now!!!"
All of a sudden, the kitchen descended slowly down into a lab that had only infrared lights. We were hearing loud meows.
Duncan Cameron, a fellow subject of the Project Montauk, walked toward us and said, "Hello. You have reached a reality in which there is no time, but only now. Eternity." He looked like a typical crew member in Star Trek.
"Holy Shit!!! I always knew this existed!!!" Colonel America said excitedly.
A six-foot reptilian with a lab coat walked in the room. "You are now subjects of Project Montauk in China," she said in the Chinese lady's voice.
"Why did you choose us?" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing asked. "And why are you a six-foot reptile? Holy Shit I have a lot of questions!"
"Because you..." the Chinese lizard said as she counted Joebear, Albear, Peter, Colonel America, Murphee the Ace of Munching, Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing, Duke the Ace of Dodging, Riley the Ace of Riddling, and me. "Nine are the best truthers America has to offer. And I am a six-foot reptile because I am a six-foot reptile. I exist to exist."
"Make that ten!!!" Gabby said in his deep voice as he walked over to me.
"Eleven," Garfield said as he walked over to Joebear.
"Twelve!" Kissy yelled strongly as she ran toward Peter.
"Okay. Six big animals, six pets," the Chinese lizard said. "Perfect. Duncan, hook them up."
"What are you doing?!" Albear asked.
"Hooking you up to a computer mainframe," the Chinese lizard as she put helmets on most of our heads and hooked us up to the machines.
"Are you trying to reprogram us?!" Joebear yelled.
"Nooooo. I'm using your brains to reprogram the world around us," she said as she put metal vests on us similar to what dentists use for X-Rays.
"Cool! I'm all for it!" Peter said with a smile as she put a helmet with wires attached to it on his curls. His curls were so long that they flattened over his eyes.
"Wait, are you sure we're supposed to be doing this?!" Joebear asked as she was now putting the helmet on his head.
"Yeah, really. Why are you doing this?!" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing asked.
"Because you will solve all major life problems! World hunger, lack of intelligence, lack of kindness, helping unlock the collective intelligence this world has, and of course bringing more bears into the world. The world needs more bears," the Chinese lizard said as she came over to me. "And you. You're the true creator of what will be." She put the helmet on my head.
"I can agree. There aren't enough bears in the world," Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing said with a laugh.
Colonel America laughed loudly. "HA! HA! The lack of bears is in the world is a first world problem. Now getting rid of Republicans! That's what we need to do!!!" he shouted.
"Yes!!!" Peter, Albear, Joebear, and Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing yelled.
"Republicans have caused all of my psychological problems!!!!" Peter yelled.
"They are brainwashing douchebags!!!" Albear yelled.
"They take take take and give nothing back!!!" Joebear yelled.
"My wife is a Republican!!! And she's a stone cold bitch!!!" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing yelled.
"So was mine. Ding Dong the Witch is dead! The Witch is Dead! The Witch is Dead! Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is DEEEAAAADDD!!!" Colonel America sang.
Everyone in the room laughed.
"Dude, you're funny," Duncan said as he tried to remove Colonel America's helmet.
Colonel America kicked him in the head.
"There are holes for wires already IN the helmet," Colonel America said.
"Same deal here," Murphee the Ace of Munching said.
"I, too, have holes in my helmet for wires to hook up to my magnificent brain. Hahaha!!!" Gabby said and laughed in his deep voice.
"I understand," Duncan said as he hooked those three up to the machine. He didn't react to being kicked in the head.
When every human and animal was hooked up to the machine, the Chinese lizard flipped a switch and turned on the mainframe computer.
Then, she turned on the computer mainframe. I heard bleeps and numbers being spoken quickly in Chinese.
"1101100111," Joebear muttered. He was definitely one of the computer masterminds in this room. He definitely had no problem connecting to the virtual world. He was speaking binary, the computer language of 0s and 1s. 0 means "off." 1 means "on."
"0010011000," Albear muttered. He was another computer genius. He also had zero problem connecting to the virtual world.
"HOLY SHIT!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing screamed as his eyes were almost bugged.
"One plus one equals two. One plus one plus one equals three. One plus one plus one plus one equals four. One plus one plus one plus one plus one equals five..." Colonel America rambled on.
Murphee the Ace of Munching, Duke the Ace of Dodging, and Riley the Ace of Riddling barked nine times.
Gabby, Garfield, and Kissy meowed nine times.
Peter also was there, but he was freaking out because he wasn't as tech savvy as the rest of us.
As for me, I was falling into a deep sleep...
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We returned to about a few minutes before we ended up in the secret laboratory.
Peter slammed his chopsticks on the table a few times before standing up abruptly. "You know what fuck this story. Fuck this experiment. Fuck quantum physics and my involvement in it. I am going to walk out of this piece of shit story because I don't give a fuck. I am going back to America where the fuck I belong. I can't deal with Xara or her bullshit writing anymore. I AM NO LONGER GOING TO BE A CHARACTER IN THIS CONVOLUTED UNIVERSE!!! This is worse than the trauma Nicholas Cage went through in Adaptation!!!" Peter screamed.
"He was one ugly mother fucker," Albear said. "He always played the same role in every movie. It was Nicholas Cage starring Nicholas Cage."
Everyone except Albear and Peter laughed.
"You're so boring, Peter," I said.
Everyone else except Peter and me laughed.
"Oh fuck this! I'm walking out of here," Peter said as he walked out of the kitchen before he disappeared in thin air.