[oneshot] Sparkle Motion (Arashi crackfic)
I know, two full fics from me in one day; shocking. But a friend requested some Arashi genfic from me and, after getting help from another friend on ideas, I came up with this little piece of crack. Given the subject matter I wanted to get it out by Halloween and, well...! Here we are!
Moderate spoilers for the Twilight book series. Yes, Twilight. No, I'm not a fan. Can you tell? 8D;;
Sparkle Motion
“A book club? Seriously?”
Jun held his chin up high, choosing to ignore the incredulous look on Nino’s face as he crossed his arms, haughty expression securely in place. “You all don’t read enough as it is, and it’s something we can do together. Someone has to promote band unity around here.” Never mind the fact that they all saw each other more than their own families. But Jun was a creature of fads, and he’d be damned if he was going to lose out on this whole “member ai” craze that was going around.
“But, Jun-chan…” Aiba said cautiously. He knew to tread lightly when Matsumoto got that certain gleam in his eyes. “We read all the time.”
“Golf magazines and manga don’t count, Aiba.”
Aiba looked more than a little crestfallen. “Sho-chan reads three newspapers a day!” He pointed behind him to the band rapper who, sure enough, was not only holding a newspaper in his hands but waved it a little for emphasis when their attention turned to him.
However, Jun merely sighed impatiently. “Just because he reads doesn’t meant the rest of you shouldn’t.” Obviously the band baby was not to be deterred.
Ohno furrowed his brows, “But a book club. Isn’t that a little…”
“Housewife hobby-ish?” Nino offered helpfully, smirking.
Jun just rolled his eyes. “I’m sorry you have a hard time understanding anything that’s not made of brightly colored pixels, Nino. But until Nintendo starts publishing the video game version you’ll just have to read the paper copy like a normal human being.”
Nino’s eyes narrowed in his best ‘I will murder you in your sleep’ glare. Jun coughed and looked away quickly.
Across the room Sho put down his newspaper, folding it reverently, and moved to join the rest of the band on the couch. “I’m not against promoting reading, but with our schedules being what they are, do you really think we have the time to read a full novel in one week?” Aiba and Ohno both looked at him as if he were an angel come down from heaven; Nino was still too busy staring daggers at Jun.
At this Jun gave a triumphant smirk, as if this was just the question he’d been waiting for. The bag sitting in the crook of his arm was retrieved and he groped through it, revealing four identical copies of the same book which he handed out eagerly. Aiba thumbed through the book curiously while Sho was already reading the summary on the back. Nino had outright refused the proffered novel with a scowl so it had been handed to Ohno along with his own copy. The band’s captain was busy staring at the cover, trying to find the meaning in the image of two hands holding an apple against a black background.
“Twilight?”
“It’s short and satisfying; you should be able to get through it in a week.” The smile on Jun’s face was a cocksure one, clearly quite pleased with his plan.
Sho frowned. “Jun, this looks like a kid’s book.”
“It’s very popular in America,” Jun huffed.
Nino rolled his eyes, picking up the extra copy from Ohno and waving it around in an overdramatic manner. “Oh, America! Wow. Now I really want to read it.”
“What was that? Did you say something, Hollywood Actor Ninomiya Kazunari?”
Nino had gone from threatening murder with his eyes to promising it with a heaping side of painful torture. “Do you really want to die today, Matsumoto?”
“In any event,” Jun said, waving a dismissive hand, “it’s a very popular, interesting book. It’s even been made into a movie starring Robert Pattison.”
Ohno frowned. “Robber-who?”
“Robert Pattison.” A beat. Four pairs of eyes looked at Jun blankly. Matsumoto sighed and shifted his weight. “Robert Pattison! He played Cedric Diggory in the Harry Potter movies!”
At this admission the rest of Arashi smiled knowingly, as if suddenly everything made perfect sense.
“So that’s why you want to read this book,” Sho grinned.
Aiba giggled a little, nodding his head amicably, “Jun-chan really loves Harry Potter, ne?”
“And you call me a fanboy?” That was Nino.
Jun drew himself up straight, hands going on his hips and desperately biting down his rising sense of embarrassment. “Listen, you’re going to read this book and a week from now we are going to sit down and discuss it and you will enjoy it! Got it?!” And with that he turned on his heel and stalked out, slamming the door and effectively quashing any lingering protests his band mates might have had.
Really, the things he did to promote the arts and band unity.
***
Not surprisingly, Sho was the first one to bring up Twilight the next day. He and Jun were sitting side by side in the green room before that day’s Shukudaikun taping, picking at the food they’d snatched from the snack table and killing time. A few meters away Aiba was curled up on his chair, legs tucked at an impossible angle and lips moving ever so slightly as he read. Ohno and Nino were nowhere to be seen.
“… seems sort of ridiculous. I mean, so far it’s been nothing but high school and boys.” Sho paused, senbei inches away from his lips. “Are you sure this isn’t a book for young readers?”
“Adults all over the world have been reading it, Sho.” Jun stretched his legs out and spared his boots a disdainful glance. The left one had a scuff just to the right of its toe. He’d have to get someone to buff that out later. “She’s just setting up the mood and the characters. Don’t worry, it’ll pick up.”
The two idols allowed the conversation to die, Sho munching on his cracker thoughtfully, Jun inspecting his footwear for any more hitherto unnoticed flaws. It was then that the door swung open to reveal the two missing members of Arashi. Ohno greeted everyone with a wave and Nino grunted something similar before steering his companion over towards the couch and settling in. Not surprisingly the younger of the two pulled out his trusty DS, unphased when Ohno laid down next to him, head in Nino’s lap and eyes half-lidded. Every now and then he’d free a hand from his manic button mashing to pet Ohno’s hair softly before returning to the handheld device.
Jun looked as if he wanted to say something about how Ninomiya’s time could be better spent with his nose in a book but decided that he wasn’t really in the mood to argue. Instead he moved his attention to one of the bigger rings on his finger, twirling it around the digit and enjoying the peaceful atmosphere. At least, until Sho broke the relative silence.
“That Edward seems like a real jerk. Pushing Bella away constantly like that. She might be a little clumsy and shy but I think that’s part of her charm, don’t you?”
Jun let a lopsided smile sneak onto his lips. Somehow he knew Sho would get sucked into the book easily. At least one person would be willing to participate at their book club meeting. “Save the discussion for Sunday after you’ve read the whole thing.“
***
“What? Are you shitting me? ‘Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn’t get used to it, though I’d been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday’s hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.’ He sparkles, Ohchan. Sparkles.”
Ohno stopped mid dance step to peer down curiously at his friend. Nino had come with him to the studio under the pretense of practicing, but after one run through of the dance for their new single had declared himself familiar enough with the choreography and promptly sat down with their assigned book. Since then he’d been reading the occasional snippet aloud as Ohno continued to dance, adding in his commentary whenever something irritated him greatly.
Needless to say, there was a lot of commentary.
Ohno pursed his lips, a tiny crease forming between his brows. “But he’s a vampire.”
Nino raised an eyebrow. “Yeah…”
“Vampires can’t go out in the sun, right? They’ll burn up.”
The younger of the two smirked, staring up at Arashi’s captain with a familiar air of amusement. Ohno’s habit of spacing out constantly no longer came as a surprise to Nino. “You haven’t been listening at all, have you?”
Thoroughly distracted from his practice, Ohno sat down next to Nino, laying his chin on the other man’s shoulder and peering down at the offensive page. His shoulders moved in a light shrug. “I pay attention to the important parts.”
“Those being…”
“The parts that you read to me.”
The smirk on Nino’s face turned into a full grin and he chuckled. “That’s probably the wisest route to go, Ohchan.” His free hand went to pat Ohno obligingly on the head as he went on to describe Edward demolishing saplings due to what Nino was sure was pure sexual frustration.
***
“So how far along are you?”
Nino adjusted the phone with his shoulder, typing away furiously on his laptop. He was in the middle of a rather heated argument on 2ch and would be damned if he’d let a phone call distract him enough to lose to the other otaku there. “I quit reading it.”
“What? Why?” Sho sounded shocked at this admission. Nino had to keep himself from rolling his eyes; what was the use when the other man couldn’t see it?
“Because I refuse to believe this supposedly hot, irresistible vampire is over a hundred years old and hasn’t had sex once.”
Sho let out a disgruntled huff. Nino could almost imagine the longsuffering look on his face. “A romance story doesn’t have to have sex to make it enjoyable, Nino.”
“Sho,” Nino said evenly, switching the phone from one ear to another, “This book is about vampires. Vampires are a metaphor for sex. They are the embodiment of desire on two legs.”
“I know that!”
“Creating a celibate vampire is like writing about a lion that only eats tofu. It’s going against the very nature of the creature. Do you go to an action movie to get lectured for an hour and a half on how to be a pacifist? No. You go for the explosions and get pissed when there aren’t enough of them.” Really, for someone who was supposedly so book smart, Nino found himself wondering at his friend’s utter lack of common sense on more than one occasion.
“But… don’t you think it’s too soon? I mean, they haven’t even officially started seeing each other.” Sakurai really seemed to want to fight the issue. Nino sighed and sat back, rubbing his eyes.
“They’re teenagers. They have urges and make stupid decisions based on them. That’s what teenagers do. They think with their crotches.”
“Edward’s a hundred and eight years old.”
“He still has the body of a seventeen year old and probably the hormones to match. Personally I think it would only be worse if you’d gone a hundred years without getting laid. Probably explains why he’s so cranky and high strung all the time…”
Now it was Sho’s turn to sigh. “I still think sex would only cheapen their relationship right now.”
“Sex and love don’t have to be mutually exclusive, Sho.”
“I know that, but-“
“So what’s the problem? If he’s so madly in love with her I’m sure he can keep himself from snapping her in two when they get it on.”
“Edward’s just never had someone he loved so dearly before! He’s just being a gentleman because he knows how easily he could hurt Bella otherwise. I think his chivalry is rather admirable.”
“I think you’re identifying with Bella too much.”
That statement provoked a series of unintelligible protest noises before Sho barked out a farewell and hung up the phone. Nino just smirked as he placed his own phone down. The 2ch fight had boiled down to little more than name calling; maybe snooping around in the online Twilight fandom would prove fruitful.
***
Three days before the first meeting of their book club, Jun found himself cornered by one very distressed Aiba Masaki. The older of the two was frowning ever so slightly, puppy eyes turned on for maximum effect and book clutched up to his chest. “I’m really not good with scary things, Jun-chan.”
“Aiba,” Jun deadpanned, “you play with much more dangerous things on a weekly basis. Tigers are a bigger threat to you than vampires or werewolves ever will be.”
“But tigers aren’t as scary.”
Jun stared at Aiba, opened his mouth as if to say something, shut it, opened it again, and then sighed heavily. He placed a reassuring hand on the older man’s arm. “It’s not a scary book, Aiba, trust me.” And when Aiba still didn’t seem assured, he added, “I wouldn’t make you read something that would freak you out.”
Aiba nodded hesitantly. He obviously was still a little skittish but if Jun said so, then it probably wasn’t that bad. “Okay…”
Neither of them saw the mischievous grin on Nino’s face as he reached for his laptop. He’d spent the better part of the night looking through spoilers for the series and was pretty sure he’d just found a way to kill this ridiculous book club idea of Jun’s before it even officially started.
***
When Sho stumbled into their break room the day before the book club looking like he hadn’t slept in three days, Jun tore his gaze away from the piece of hair he was fiddling with to raise an eyebrow suspiciously.
Across the room Aiba was sitting next to Nino at the smaller man’s laptop, reading with an intense look on his face. Probably fan mail or an e-mail from one of their managers or something. Ohno wasn’t far from the two, staring at the cover of Twilight with the same intense look that Jun wished the older man would make while reading the contents, but it would be a lie if Jun said he was surprised that Ohno hadn’t read the novel. Between his issues with reading kanji and his tendency to space out Ohno hadn’t been expected to get the whole way through the thing. It was just the spirit of getting him to try that mattered.
Wordlessly, Jun pulled back the chair next to him and offered it to Sakurai, who grunted in thanks and sat down heavily. “You look like hell.”
Sho closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the metal folding chair, slouching until his butt was nearly falling off the seat. “Didn’t get much sleep.”
“Writing?”
“Reading.”
Jun leaned over casually, brushing a few pieces of Sho’s hair back. “Twilight?”
“No, I finished the first book a couple of days ago.”
The affectionate brushing of hair stopped and Jun found himself grinning. “The first book?”
Realizing his slip of tongue, Sho sat up suddenly and coughed, hoping the action would cover of the rush of blood to his face. It didn’t, but Jun decided to be merciful and not inquire further. Sho had read the first book and thus Jun was pleased.
Any potential for badgering Sakurai was lost when a piercing shriek caught everyone’s attention. Next thing he knew, Aiba had shot up and latched on to Jun’s side, shirt balled up in his hands and pleading desperately into Matsumoto’s eyes as if he were the last hope in the oncoming puppy apocalypse. “Jun-chan! These books are really scary! You said you wouldn’t make me read scary things!”
Jun stared down at the blubbering boy in his arms in confusion. What was Masaki talking about? Sure there were some sort of creepy parts in it, but nothing he thought Aiba couldn’t handle. After all, what was so terrifying about vampire baseball? And then he remembered what Aiba had been doing only minutes before and, more importantly, with whom.
“Nino, what did you do?”
Nino smiled guilefully. “I was telling him about how there was a big uproar when the fourth book was released in America, and he seemed so interested in it that I offered to show him. I thought he might want a taste of what was coming up in the later installments. Let him get a feel for the series.”
“Ninomiya…” Jun was going to shove his DS down his throat, push him out the window, and then go downstairs and beat him to death with his own laptop to finish the job.
Aiba managed to distract him from his murder plans though, staring at Jun pleadingly. “Please, Jun-chan! I don’t want to read about Bella’s scary baby!”
“They have a baby!?” Sho shot up in his chair. When Aiba nodded tearfully Sakurai turned his attention towards the sneaky little man with the laptop. “Damn it, Nino! I wasn’t that far yet!”
“Wait, you’re actually reading the rest of the books?” Nino looked somewhere between incredulous and endlessly amused. “You really do identify with that horrible Mary Sue!”
Sho’s face reddened again but despite this he found enough nerve to scowl at Nino reproachfully. “Bella is a beautiful, brave young girl! She just wants to escape and be with the man she loves!”
The room seemed to go nuts then. Aiba was still clutching to Jun and whimpering about being afraid of having children lest it rip its way out of his wife, Sho defending Bella and Edward’s true love, and Nino bashing Sakurai’s points at every chance while playing an audio clip that Jun couldn’t quite make out other than the words ‘pleasure button’ and something having to do with bacon, duct tape, and an empty paper towel roll. Ohno just looked on in amusement.
The youngest member of the band felt this was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. “Enough!” Matsumoto bellowed. The other men turned to look at him expectantly and Jun couldn’t help but scowl. “You obviously can’t take this seriously, so no more book club!” With a huff Jun detached Aiba from his shirt and marched over to his vanity angrily, retrieving a brush and some hair spray and setting forth to attack the shaggy black mop of hair on his head until it was absolutely perfect.
Behind him the room went silent for a moment until Ohno murmured excitedly, “Hey, you know, if you put your hands like this on the cover the wrists look like two butts!” There was a pause and then Aiba was giggling breathlessly, crying out happily in agreement.
Jun just sighed, put his head in his hands, and wondered if it wasn’t too late for NEWS or KAT-TUN to adopt him.
-----
... there you go, short (for me), stupid, and cracky. Having never actually read the whole book, it took a little longer than I liked. As such, I couldn't have done this without the aid of The Twilight Lexicon, and cleoland's Twilight wiki helped as well (if nothing else for fandom-related issues and the humor to get me through reading all those chapter summaries. XD;) I'm also not sure how much of Twilight has been translated and released in Japan but, eh, roll with me here. If I got anything grievously wrong I apologize. Sort of.
As for the comment about bacon I suggest you go search for the Twilight fanfic 'Pleasure Button' which at one time had a dramatic reading to go along with it but that I can't find any more. It's... special.
Also what Ohno was talking about.
Moderate spoilers for the Twilight book series. Yes, Twilight. No, I'm not a fan. Can you tell? 8D;;
Sparkle Motion
“A book club? Seriously?”
Jun held his chin up high, choosing to ignore the incredulous look on Nino’s face as he crossed his arms, haughty expression securely in place. “You all don’t read enough as it is, and it’s something we can do together. Someone has to promote band unity around here.” Never mind the fact that they all saw each other more than their own families. But Jun was a creature of fads, and he’d be damned if he was going to lose out on this whole “member ai” craze that was going around.
“But, Jun-chan…” Aiba said cautiously. He knew to tread lightly when Matsumoto got that certain gleam in his eyes. “We read all the time.”
“Golf magazines and manga don’t count, Aiba.”
Aiba looked more than a little crestfallen. “Sho-chan reads three newspapers a day!” He pointed behind him to the band rapper who, sure enough, was not only holding a newspaper in his hands but waved it a little for emphasis when their attention turned to him.
However, Jun merely sighed impatiently. “Just because he reads doesn’t meant the rest of you shouldn’t.” Obviously the band baby was not to be deterred.
Ohno furrowed his brows, “But a book club. Isn’t that a little…”
“Housewife hobby-ish?” Nino offered helpfully, smirking.
Jun just rolled his eyes. “I’m sorry you have a hard time understanding anything that’s not made of brightly colored pixels, Nino. But until Nintendo starts publishing the video game version you’ll just have to read the paper copy like a normal human being.”
Nino’s eyes narrowed in his best ‘I will murder you in your sleep’ glare. Jun coughed and looked away quickly.
Across the room Sho put down his newspaper, folding it reverently, and moved to join the rest of the band on the couch. “I’m not against promoting reading, but with our schedules being what they are, do you really think we have the time to read a full novel in one week?” Aiba and Ohno both looked at him as if he were an angel come down from heaven; Nino was still too busy staring daggers at Jun.
At this Jun gave a triumphant smirk, as if this was just the question he’d been waiting for. The bag sitting in the crook of his arm was retrieved and he groped through it, revealing four identical copies of the same book which he handed out eagerly. Aiba thumbed through the book curiously while Sho was already reading the summary on the back. Nino had outright refused the proffered novel with a scowl so it had been handed to Ohno along with his own copy. The band’s captain was busy staring at the cover, trying to find the meaning in the image of two hands holding an apple against a black background.
“Twilight?”
“It’s short and satisfying; you should be able to get through it in a week.” The smile on Jun’s face was a cocksure one, clearly quite pleased with his plan.
Sho frowned. “Jun, this looks like a kid’s book.”
“It’s very popular in America,” Jun huffed.
Nino rolled his eyes, picking up the extra copy from Ohno and waving it around in an overdramatic manner. “Oh, America! Wow. Now I really want to read it.”
“What was that? Did you say something, Hollywood Actor Ninomiya Kazunari?”
Nino had gone from threatening murder with his eyes to promising it with a heaping side of painful torture. “Do you really want to die today, Matsumoto?”
“In any event,” Jun said, waving a dismissive hand, “it’s a very popular, interesting book. It’s even been made into a movie starring Robert Pattison.”
Ohno frowned. “Robber-who?”
“Robert Pattison.” A beat. Four pairs of eyes looked at Jun blankly. Matsumoto sighed and shifted his weight. “Robert Pattison! He played Cedric Diggory in the Harry Potter movies!”
At this admission the rest of Arashi smiled knowingly, as if suddenly everything made perfect sense.
“So that’s why you want to read this book,” Sho grinned.
Aiba giggled a little, nodding his head amicably, “Jun-chan really loves Harry Potter, ne?”
“And you call me a fanboy?” That was Nino.
Jun drew himself up straight, hands going on his hips and desperately biting down his rising sense of embarrassment. “Listen, you’re going to read this book and a week from now we are going to sit down and discuss it and you will enjoy it! Got it?!” And with that he turned on his heel and stalked out, slamming the door and effectively quashing any lingering protests his band mates might have had.
Really, the things he did to promote the arts and band unity.
***
Not surprisingly, Sho was the first one to bring up Twilight the next day. He and Jun were sitting side by side in the green room before that day’s Shukudaikun taping, picking at the food they’d snatched from the snack table and killing time. A few meters away Aiba was curled up on his chair, legs tucked at an impossible angle and lips moving ever so slightly as he read. Ohno and Nino were nowhere to be seen.
“… seems sort of ridiculous. I mean, so far it’s been nothing but high school and boys.” Sho paused, senbei inches away from his lips. “Are you sure this isn’t a book for young readers?”
“Adults all over the world have been reading it, Sho.” Jun stretched his legs out and spared his boots a disdainful glance. The left one had a scuff just to the right of its toe. He’d have to get someone to buff that out later. “She’s just setting up the mood and the characters. Don’t worry, it’ll pick up.”
The two idols allowed the conversation to die, Sho munching on his cracker thoughtfully, Jun inspecting his footwear for any more hitherto unnoticed flaws. It was then that the door swung open to reveal the two missing members of Arashi. Ohno greeted everyone with a wave and Nino grunted something similar before steering his companion over towards the couch and settling in. Not surprisingly the younger of the two pulled out his trusty DS, unphased when Ohno laid down next to him, head in Nino’s lap and eyes half-lidded. Every now and then he’d free a hand from his manic button mashing to pet Ohno’s hair softly before returning to the handheld device.
Jun looked as if he wanted to say something about how Ninomiya’s time could be better spent with his nose in a book but decided that he wasn’t really in the mood to argue. Instead he moved his attention to one of the bigger rings on his finger, twirling it around the digit and enjoying the peaceful atmosphere. At least, until Sho broke the relative silence.
“That Edward seems like a real jerk. Pushing Bella away constantly like that. She might be a little clumsy and shy but I think that’s part of her charm, don’t you?”
Jun let a lopsided smile sneak onto his lips. Somehow he knew Sho would get sucked into the book easily. At least one person would be willing to participate at their book club meeting. “Save the discussion for Sunday after you’ve read the whole thing.“
***
“What? Are you shitting me? ‘Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn’t get used to it, though I’d been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday’s hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.’ He sparkles, Ohchan. Sparkles.”
Ohno stopped mid dance step to peer down curiously at his friend. Nino had come with him to the studio under the pretense of practicing, but after one run through of the dance for their new single had declared himself familiar enough with the choreography and promptly sat down with their assigned book. Since then he’d been reading the occasional snippet aloud as Ohno continued to dance, adding in his commentary whenever something irritated him greatly.
Needless to say, there was a lot of commentary.
Ohno pursed his lips, a tiny crease forming between his brows. “But he’s a vampire.”
Nino raised an eyebrow. “Yeah…”
“Vampires can’t go out in the sun, right? They’ll burn up.”
The younger of the two smirked, staring up at Arashi’s captain with a familiar air of amusement. Ohno’s habit of spacing out constantly no longer came as a surprise to Nino. “You haven’t been listening at all, have you?”
Thoroughly distracted from his practice, Ohno sat down next to Nino, laying his chin on the other man’s shoulder and peering down at the offensive page. His shoulders moved in a light shrug. “I pay attention to the important parts.”
“Those being…”
“The parts that you read to me.”
The smirk on Nino’s face turned into a full grin and he chuckled. “That’s probably the wisest route to go, Ohchan.” His free hand went to pat Ohno obligingly on the head as he went on to describe Edward demolishing saplings due to what Nino was sure was pure sexual frustration.
***
“So how far along are you?”
Nino adjusted the phone with his shoulder, typing away furiously on his laptop. He was in the middle of a rather heated argument on 2ch and would be damned if he’d let a phone call distract him enough to lose to the other otaku there. “I quit reading it.”
“What? Why?” Sho sounded shocked at this admission. Nino had to keep himself from rolling his eyes; what was the use when the other man couldn’t see it?
“Because I refuse to believe this supposedly hot, irresistible vampire is over a hundred years old and hasn’t had sex once.”
Sho let out a disgruntled huff. Nino could almost imagine the longsuffering look on his face. “A romance story doesn’t have to have sex to make it enjoyable, Nino.”
“Sho,” Nino said evenly, switching the phone from one ear to another, “This book is about vampires. Vampires are a metaphor for sex. They are the embodiment of desire on two legs.”
“I know that!”
“Creating a celibate vampire is like writing about a lion that only eats tofu. It’s going against the very nature of the creature. Do you go to an action movie to get lectured for an hour and a half on how to be a pacifist? No. You go for the explosions and get pissed when there aren’t enough of them.” Really, for someone who was supposedly so book smart, Nino found himself wondering at his friend’s utter lack of common sense on more than one occasion.
“But… don’t you think it’s too soon? I mean, they haven’t even officially started seeing each other.” Sakurai really seemed to want to fight the issue. Nino sighed and sat back, rubbing his eyes.
“They’re teenagers. They have urges and make stupid decisions based on them. That’s what teenagers do. They think with their crotches.”
“Edward’s a hundred and eight years old.”
“He still has the body of a seventeen year old and probably the hormones to match. Personally I think it would only be worse if you’d gone a hundred years without getting laid. Probably explains why he’s so cranky and high strung all the time…”
Now it was Sho’s turn to sigh. “I still think sex would only cheapen their relationship right now.”
“Sex and love don’t have to be mutually exclusive, Sho.”
“I know that, but-“
“So what’s the problem? If he’s so madly in love with her I’m sure he can keep himself from snapping her in two when they get it on.”
“Edward’s just never had someone he loved so dearly before! He’s just being a gentleman because he knows how easily he could hurt Bella otherwise. I think his chivalry is rather admirable.”
“I think you’re identifying with Bella too much.”
That statement provoked a series of unintelligible protest noises before Sho barked out a farewell and hung up the phone. Nino just smirked as he placed his own phone down. The 2ch fight had boiled down to little more than name calling; maybe snooping around in the online Twilight fandom would prove fruitful.
***
Three days before the first meeting of their book club, Jun found himself cornered by one very distressed Aiba Masaki. The older of the two was frowning ever so slightly, puppy eyes turned on for maximum effect and book clutched up to his chest. “I’m really not good with scary things, Jun-chan.”
“Aiba,” Jun deadpanned, “you play with much more dangerous things on a weekly basis. Tigers are a bigger threat to you than vampires or werewolves ever will be.”
“But tigers aren’t as scary.”
Jun stared at Aiba, opened his mouth as if to say something, shut it, opened it again, and then sighed heavily. He placed a reassuring hand on the older man’s arm. “It’s not a scary book, Aiba, trust me.” And when Aiba still didn’t seem assured, he added, “I wouldn’t make you read something that would freak you out.”
Aiba nodded hesitantly. He obviously was still a little skittish but if Jun said so, then it probably wasn’t that bad. “Okay…”
Neither of them saw the mischievous grin on Nino’s face as he reached for his laptop. He’d spent the better part of the night looking through spoilers for the series and was pretty sure he’d just found a way to kill this ridiculous book club idea of Jun’s before it even officially started.
***
When Sho stumbled into their break room the day before the book club looking like he hadn’t slept in three days, Jun tore his gaze away from the piece of hair he was fiddling with to raise an eyebrow suspiciously.
Across the room Aiba was sitting next to Nino at the smaller man’s laptop, reading with an intense look on his face. Probably fan mail or an e-mail from one of their managers or something. Ohno wasn’t far from the two, staring at the cover of Twilight with the same intense look that Jun wished the older man would make while reading the contents, but it would be a lie if Jun said he was surprised that Ohno hadn’t read the novel. Between his issues with reading kanji and his tendency to space out Ohno hadn’t been expected to get the whole way through the thing. It was just the spirit of getting him to try that mattered.
Wordlessly, Jun pulled back the chair next to him and offered it to Sakurai, who grunted in thanks and sat down heavily. “You look like hell.”
Sho closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the metal folding chair, slouching until his butt was nearly falling off the seat. “Didn’t get much sleep.”
“Writing?”
“Reading.”
Jun leaned over casually, brushing a few pieces of Sho’s hair back. “Twilight?”
“No, I finished the first book a couple of days ago.”
The affectionate brushing of hair stopped and Jun found himself grinning. “The first book?”
Realizing his slip of tongue, Sho sat up suddenly and coughed, hoping the action would cover of the rush of blood to his face. It didn’t, but Jun decided to be merciful and not inquire further. Sho had read the first book and thus Jun was pleased.
Any potential for badgering Sakurai was lost when a piercing shriek caught everyone’s attention. Next thing he knew, Aiba had shot up and latched on to Jun’s side, shirt balled up in his hands and pleading desperately into Matsumoto’s eyes as if he were the last hope in the oncoming puppy apocalypse. “Jun-chan! These books are really scary! You said you wouldn’t make me read scary things!”
Jun stared down at the blubbering boy in his arms in confusion. What was Masaki talking about? Sure there were some sort of creepy parts in it, but nothing he thought Aiba couldn’t handle. After all, what was so terrifying about vampire baseball? And then he remembered what Aiba had been doing only minutes before and, more importantly, with whom.
“Nino, what did you do?”
Nino smiled guilefully. “I was telling him about how there was a big uproar when the fourth book was released in America, and he seemed so interested in it that I offered to show him. I thought he might want a taste of what was coming up in the later installments. Let him get a feel for the series.”
“Ninomiya…” Jun was going to shove his DS down his throat, push him out the window, and then go downstairs and beat him to death with his own laptop to finish the job.
Aiba managed to distract him from his murder plans though, staring at Jun pleadingly. “Please, Jun-chan! I don’t want to read about Bella’s scary baby!”
“They have a baby!?” Sho shot up in his chair. When Aiba nodded tearfully Sakurai turned his attention towards the sneaky little man with the laptop. “Damn it, Nino! I wasn’t that far yet!”
“Wait, you’re actually reading the rest of the books?” Nino looked somewhere between incredulous and endlessly amused. “You really do identify with that horrible Mary Sue!”
Sho’s face reddened again but despite this he found enough nerve to scowl at Nino reproachfully. “Bella is a beautiful, brave young girl! She just wants to escape and be with the man she loves!”
The room seemed to go nuts then. Aiba was still clutching to Jun and whimpering about being afraid of having children lest it rip its way out of his wife, Sho defending Bella and Edward’s true love, and Nino bashing Sakurai’s points at every chance while playing an audio clip that Jun couldn’t quite make out other than the words ‘pleasure button’ and something having to do with bacon, duct tape, and an empty paper towel roll. Ohno just looked on in amusement.
The youngest member of the band felt this was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. “Enough!” Matsumoto bellowed. The other men turned to look at him expectantly and Jun couldn’t help but scowl. “You obviously can’t take this seriously, so no more book club!” With a huff Jun detached Aiba from his shirt and marched over to his vanity angrily, retrieving a brush and some hair spray and setting forth to attack the shaggy black mop of hair on his head until it was absolutely perfect.
Behind him the room went silent for a moment until Ohno murmured excitedly, “Hey, you know, if you put your hands like this on the cover the wrists look like two butts!” There was a pause and then Aiba was giggling breathlessly, crying out happily in agreement.
Jun just sighed, put his head in his hands, and wondered if it wasn’t too late for NEWS or KAT-TUN to adopt him.
-----
... there you go, short (for me), stupid, and cracky. Having never actually read the whole book, it took a little longer than I liked. As such, I couldn't have done this without the aid of The Twilight Lexicon, and cleoland's Twilight wiki helped as well (if nothing else for fandom-related issues and the humor to get me through reading all those chapter summaries. XD;) I'm also not sure how much of Twilight has been translated and released in Japan but, eh, roll with me here. If I got anything grievously wrong I apologize. Sort of.
As for the comment about bacon I suggest you go search for the Twilight fanfic 'Pleasure Button' which at one time had a dramatic reading to go along with it but that I can't find any more. It's... special.
Also what Ohno was talking about.