Jack Bauer is Love!
- When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
- The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
- Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
- Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
- Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
- If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
- Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid the world of Communism
- Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
- If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
- Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer
- If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
- Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
- Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
- There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television
- If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
- Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
- When Jack's daughter Kim lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
- If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's f*cking beef.
- Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
- A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
- Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
- Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
- It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed
- Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves
- On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence
- Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's f*cking Jack Bauer.
- Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
- Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
- Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry
- There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
- Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness
- Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
- In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the f*ck have you done with your life?
- Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
- When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
- Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
- Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
- The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.
- Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
- Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
- Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f*cking dead."
- Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better f*cking do it.
- When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
- Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
- Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
- There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who have never met Jack Bauer.
- Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the Pill can stop Jack Bauer.
- When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
- Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
- There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.
- When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
- "Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm f*cked".
- Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.
- Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
- Jack Bauer can get a McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
- When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.
- During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
- Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.
- If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
- Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people
- Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because He's a pussy.
- Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
- The "Smoothie" was invented when Jack Bauer needed information from a banana.
- Jack Bauer once called the Vice President "Mr. President", but realized his mistake and shot the President. Jack Bauer is never wrong.
- Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests.... Jack Bauer doesn't associate with anything that is #2.
- In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell
- Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
- When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
- You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
- Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
- When Jack Bauer turns on an Xbox the screen just says "You Win" and turns itself off again.
- The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.
- Jack is sorry for your loss, but he needs you to focus on the primary objective right now.
- Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.
- The safety on Jack's gun isn't there to protect Jack. It's there to protect the gun.
- Jack Bauer once tortured and killed a man using only shadow puppets.
- Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
- 24 Season DVDs cannot be copied because Jack Bauer will not be burned.
- The only difference between Jack Bauer and the electric chair is that Jack Bauer makes you talk first.
- Jack Bauer doesn't get busy signals. No one is too busy to talk to Jack Bauer.
- How many Jack Bauer's does it take to change a light bulb? None, Jack Bauer can see in the dark.
- Jack Bauer doesn't have time to wear a seat belt. It is much more time-efficient for him to simply shoot anything that might cause an accident
- When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they'll get a group discount.
- Jack Bauer is so well endowed that if he were on Prison Break, the blueprints would all be tattooed around his penis.
- Jack Bauer doesn't use toilet paper. He uses terrorists.
- If Jack Bauer was interrogating Morpheus in "The Matrix", Zion would have been f*cked.
- If at first you don't succeed, then your name is not Jack Bauer.