Anxiety Attacks
Fuck I hate these things. I mean, it's not like I get them often, but by damn they hit when they hit. Maybe it's been minor ones that've been preventing me from sleeping in these last few months, or maybe it's just...whatever. Who knows.
In any case, all tonight my head's been pounding, my stomach has been tied up in knots, and it's really starting to piss me off. None of my usual calming techniques are working, I can't sleep despite my eyelids LITERALLY aching, and it's just....augh.
And here's the weird thing: I'm not actually unhappy at the moment. I mean, I wouldn't say that I'm the happiest I've ever been, but at the same time I'm not that UNhappy either. OK, sure I'm fairly stressed despite the fact that my final term of schooling is actually paid for, but still! AE is progressing moderately well, and I didn't get shat on for opening reg late. School (nonDS) is going not all badly, though I am certain to get my ass kicked when it comes to that first finance midterm (which because it is so math heavy is fortunately only 15%, thank the lawd). The DS...ok, that definitely could be going better; but we're getting goals pushed on us that aren't our own, and when it comes to deciding what direction we're going in it's often decided by Panessa who end up coming to our 'meetings' already decided on a course of action. Now, Paul's fine to deal with, but Vanessa ends up getting stuck in her ways having already fought things out with Paul saying "well why should I have to defend my ideas twice" and gets all pissy. Ugh, that's no fun.
I don't know. If I can't get to sleep in the next hour or two, I'll probably pop down to the clinic tomorrow (fuck, not tomorrow, TODAY) to see if I can get some anti-anxiety meds; maybe that'll help my sleep patterns. And it's not like the side effects are going to matter at the moment--most of them are sexual, and at this rate [especially as evidenced through recent experience] I'm not going to be able to have another girlfriend for a LONG while anyways.
Amusingly enough, the conundrum I feel about anti-anxiety meds was posed in a penny-arcade comic a fair while ago. Essentially summed up, Gabe feels anxious about going to the doctor to get anti-anxiety drugs because he's worried [anxious] over the fact that he may get addicted to them, and not care because he's taking anti-anxiety drugs. This, of course, is tantamount to be anxious over NOT being anxious--an amusing aside when taken out of context, but still very serious when actually analyzed.
Winluck, a little while ago you and I talked about cybernetic implants, and the dehumanization associated thereby. I postulate for you thusly: It is not cybernetic implants which change humanity, it is changing the essential nature of the workings of the human mind artificially which dehumanizes us. Now, by saying artificially, I mean through chemical or electrochemical means; I do NOT mean training onesself to overcome a mental barrier, nor do I mean resisting one's own urges. If, by changing the nature of the way we think--are we not homogenizing ourselves? Making ourselves all one and the same? If none of us feel anxiety, how long until someone perscribes an anti-fear medication for people who are afraid of heights? Fear is, afterall, simply a form of heightened anxiety. What then? Anti-passion drug? Anti-creativity? Why stop there? Why not just introduce these chemicals at birth and stop the development of these parts of the brain in the beginning?
And so you see the problem. Sigh.
And on top of that, it worries me even more that what I want to do [ish, more on that later] is a high-stress job. Finance is a crushing industry. It really is; but it pays really well. Finance, however, teaches us that there are several elements to reward: primarily risk. The higher the risk, the better the pay. In this case, I think it's risk to sanity. I am more than happy to go in to finance--it is quite probably one of the few ways I'll be able to afford the future lifestyle I want; sole provider with kids and an at-home mom. The problem is that if I'm having anxiety attacks NOW, in school--what's gonna happen when I hit the pressures of real life? One of the reasons I feel somewhat comfortable in asking for anti-anxiety drugs is that I only want them short term--to get me past whatever it is that's bugging me (whatever it is that's lurking in the back of my mind) and get over this weird annoying emotional hurdle. But what'll happen when I hit the real world and I still need anti-anxiety drugs? Will I need them? Shit I hope not.
One of the reasons I'm thinking I won't need one is because at the moment I'm in one of THE BIGGEST anxiety-conducing situations for me--one without boundaries. I function best in a structured environment: "here's your boss, here's your job, here's the procedural manual. Any questions, ask him." BCIT is highly structured in the way that the curruculae are laid out, but not at ALL in the way that the classes themselves are. Each term, and with each class, students are to form groups in order to complete projects--groups with no definitive head nor body, no procedures to speak of in either work completion nor grievances. Decisions are made not by effectiveness or efficacy, but by democracy. I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy SUCKS. The idea behind this all is to encourage "teaming" (a word I was given to my by a friend of a friend who is at UBC Commerce: a word to the wise who are planning to move on in that direction--use that word in your supplementary application, it's apparently the new buzzword they love.), but it makes it difficult to team when you're working with people in an ambiguous way. Some people are always there to help their group; whomever may be in it--others are there to serve their own interests, or to curry [is that the right spelling for that? meh] favour with one group. Ambiguousness is my bane.
Ironically enough, then, I'm planning on heading to UBC, where things are even MORE chaotic than BCIT. On the plus side, there'll be a lot more self reliance (at least for the first year as I "catch up" on electives and english courses), and thereby a LOT less ambiguousness than I currently have. In terms of what actual commerce classes will be like...I'm not really too sure. I never COULD get a straight answer out of Polina, but I imagine it would be something fairly similar. One definite plus to UBC is that their admittance requirements are...let's say slightly higher than BCIT's. One of the issues I have with working in a group is that ever since Beth I've been...shall we say a more dominant personality? That's one way of putting it. In any case, as a result of this, it means that I am often suggesting ideas at perhaps an accelerated pace from what most of my setmates would expect--also, as a result, I can often come off as domineering. I try and mitigate this as much as possible by asking for input at all times, and actively stating that if people are having a problem with the ideas I'm having, or the direction I'm going that they should tell me so that we can work with their ideas--and when people do present alternate ideas, I either present a calm, collected rationale on why their idea won't work, or integrate it with my idea, or outright reject my own in favour of theirs. The most frustrating thing of all is when everyone accepts my ideas, but I am then later confronted with the stories that someone or someones didn't take my idea or my method to heart; or even worse when a teacher says "It would have been nice if you had had this..." and someone says either "I suggested that" or "I thought of that [but didn't say anything]".
Maybe it's my naieve view, but isn't school a place of learning? A place to present ideas and ideals and to develop them in a learning environment? Shouldn't you be learning to speak up NOW so that you can get a job? Build a spine NOW while you have it good! But then I remember that it too Tat the asshole to get me in to school for real. Damn him.
Anyways, back to UBC. Chaos, it will be--that's assuming I get accepted. Course selection at 5A, an hour's commute either way...but the potential payoffs are HUGE. Polina (the friend of a friend [that first friend being Daphne--and all this just for your ]) says she's making about $30k in salary while going to school fulltime. Now, I don't know about you all, but a part time that pays $30,000 in salary sounds like a DAMN good job to me--seeing as how my best paying job to date (which was completely mindless and driving me beyond distraction) paid barely $20k, and that was 8hrs @ 5 days +OT. Definitely a good thing. With chaos comes order--the chaos of crazyschool, the order of work.
Ah, back to work, right. One of the reasons I'm hoping I don't have to keep on the meds (assuming I go on them) is because of the structure of work. Starbucks was an absolutely wonderful place for fostering my realization of the necessity of structure for me--giving exact duties and requirements for each job. Made me realize how important stuff like that is. I'm only hoping that once I find a job, that it will be as...I don't want to say 'limited' or 'restrictive', but...I suppose clearly defined is the best way to put it. I just hate ambiguity.
As a complete aside, Wikipedia is an amazing place. It's also (as far as I know) the location which coined the term "disambiguation"--in context, a 'disambiguation page', where it is made clear what of any number of specific topics you referred to--when one types in 'firefly' one is given nearly 10 options when it comes to what you mean by that--from the TV show to the insect, to god knows what else. Disambiguation is my personal buzzword.
Oh, right, that's what else I was going to talk about--what I "really" want to do.
As a quick sidenote before I do, I think a worth point of note is that I think I've had more EPR (that's Epiphanies Per Relationship) with Tiffany than I have with any other girlfriend--Marriage, settling down in general, kids, and now the clincher--teaching.
She certainly wasn't the first to tell me, but she was the most persistant in informing me that I should be a teacher. And she's right, I should be. I honestly wish I could be, and still make the kind of money that I would like to. But I know with the way that both my mom and my dad live (mom, teacher; dad's wife, teacher) that what is made by teachers is NOT enough to be able to afford keeping one parent at home. And that's really wat it all comes down to. Funny how it all comes back to parenting, eh? When it comes down to what I would like to do, I would like nothing better than to teach--probably highschool kids; that's where most teachers now are the most inneffective. There is honestly nothing like the look on a kid's (or person in general's) face when they suddenly understand a concept which is foreign to them. One of the things that I find difficult about teaching, though, is when people don't WANT to learn, even when they complain about not knowing somethng and working really hard. I can make it relevant (if not always easy) to learn nearly any subject--if only people would help me. Ah, but that gets me ranting about people not being responsive enough--and we've already been there once.
Children. Deary me, we're here too tonight, are we? Well, this morning. Chaotic entry this is, hits on pretty much everything now don't it? There was once a time when I didn't want kids--and it's funny because if I think back to then, all I can remember is towards the end reevaluating things and saying "you know what, I really did want kids the whole time, regardless of what she said.". I know there was once a time when I actually had myself convinced I didn't want kids--and now my insistance on having the right environment for my kids may end up putting that at risk. My mom was an amazing woman--I honestly don't know how she did what she did with the resources she had; nor do I think I could do the amazing job she did in parenting me alone were I left to my own devices. One of the things that I know I found incredibly helpful and supportive that she did was to hire a nanny whenever she couldn't be around--that constant attention was invaluable in helping me foster my...well, my ME. When I have kids, I want to make sure that they get the same kind of supportiveness that I got from my mom--but I know that I myself won't have the energy to do it.
I don't know. All I do know is that Cindy ended up calling me about 10 minutes ago, and I haven't really written much since. It's good to hear from her again, and I think this anxiety is sort of starting to fade. Maybe I needed this blogpost more than I thought. Here's to ranting to get things off one's chest.
In any case, all tonight my head's been pounding, my stomach has been tied up in knots, and it's really starting to piss me off. None of my usual calming techniques are working, I can't sleep despite my eyelids LITERALLY aching, and it's just....augh.
And here's the weird thing: I'm not actually unhappy at the moment. I mean, I wouldn't say that I'm the happiest I've ever been, but at the same time I'm not that UNhappy either. OK, sure I'm fairly stressed despite the fact that my final term of schooling is actually paid for, but still! AE is progressing moderately well, and I didn't get shat on for opening reg late. School (nonDS) is going not all badly, though I am certain to get my ass kicked when it comes to that first finance midterm (which because it is so math heavy is fortunately only 15%, thank the lawd). The DS...ok, that definitely could be going better; but we're getting goals pushed on us that aren't our own, and when it comes to deciding what direction we're going in it's often decided by Panessa who end up coming to our 'meetings' already decided on a course of action. Now, Paul's fine to deal with, but Vanessa ends up getting stuck in her ways having already fought things out with Paul saying "well why should I have to defend my ideas twice" and gets all pissy. Ugh, that's no fun.
I don't know. If I can't get to sleep in the next hour or two, I'll probably pop down to the clinic tomorrow (fuck, not tomorrow, TODAY) to see if I can get some anti-anxiety meds; maybe that'll help my sleep patterns. And it's not like the side effects are going to matter at the moment--most of them are sexual, and at this rate [especially as evidenced through recent experience] I'm not going to be able to have another girlfriend for a LONG while anyways.
Amusingly enough, the conundrum I feel about anti-anxiety meds was posed in a penny-arcade comic a fair while ago. Essentially summed up, Gabe feels anxious about going to the doctor to get anti-anxiety drugs because he's worried [anxious] over the fact that he may get addicted to them, and not care because he's taking anti-anxiety drugs. This, of course, is tantamount to be anxious over NOT being anxious--an amusing aside when taken out of context, but still very serious when actually analyzed.
Winluck, a little while ago you and I talked about cybernetic implants, and the dehumanization associated thereby. I postulate for you thusly: It is not cybernetic implants which change humanity, it is changing the essential nature of the workings of the human mind artificially which dehumanizes us. Now, by saying artificially, I mean through chemical or electrochemical means; I do NOT mean training onesself to overcome a mental barrier, nor do I mean resisting one's own urges. If, by changing the nature of the way we think--are we not homogenizing ourselves? Making ourselves all one and the same? If none of us feel anxiety, how long until someone perscribes an anti-fear medication for people who are afraid of heights? Fear is, afterall, simply a form of heightened anxiety. What then? Anti-passion drug? Anti-creativity? Why stop there? Why not just introduce these chemicals at birth and stop the development of these parts of the brain in the beginning?
And so you see the problem. Sigh.
And on top of that, it worries me even more that what I want to do [ish, more on that later] is a high-stress job. Finance is a crushing industry. It really is; but it pays really well. Finance, however, teaches us that there are several elements to reward: primarily risk. The higher the risk, the better the pay. In this case, I think it's risk to sanity. I am more than happy to go in to finance--it is quite probably one of the few ways I'll be able to afford the future lifestyle I want; sole provider with kids and an at-home mom. The problem is that if I'm having anxiety attacks NOW, in school--what's gonna happen when I hit the pressures of real life? One of the reasons I feel somewhat comfortable in asking for anti-anxiety drugs is that I only want them short term--to get me past whatever it is that's bugging me (whatever it is that's lurking in the back of my mind) and get over this weird annoying emotional hurdle. But what'll happen when I hit the real world and I still need anti-anxiety drugs? Will I need them? Shit I hope not.
One of the reasons I'm thinking I won't need one is because at the moment I'm in one of THE BIGGEST anxiety-conducing situations for me--one without boundaries. I function best in a structured environment: "here's your boss, here's your job, here's the procedural manual. Any questions, ask him." BCIT is highly structured in the way that the curruculae are laid out, but not at ALL in the way that the classes themselves are. Each term, and with each class, students are to form groups in order to complete projects--groups with no definitive head nor body, no procedures to speak of in either work completion nor grievances. Decisions are made not by effectiveness or efficacy, but by democracy. I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy SUCKS. The idea behind this all is to encourage "teaming" (a word I was given to my by a friend of a friend who is at UBC Commerce: a word to the wise who are planning to move on in that direction--use that word in your supplementary application, it's apparently the new buzzword they love.), but it makes it difficult to team when you're working with people in an ambiguous way. Some people are always there to help their group; whomever may be in it--others are there to serve their own interests, or to curry [is that the right spelling for that? meh] favour with one group. Ambiguousness is my bane.
Ironically enough, then, I'm planning on heading to UBC, where things are even MORE chaotic than BCIT. On the plus side, there'll be a lot more self reliance (at least for the first year as I "catch up" on electives and english courses), and thereby a LOT less ambiguousness than I currently have. In terms of what actual commerce classes will be like...I'm not really too sure. I never COULD get a straight answer out of Polina, but I imagine it would be something fairly similar. One definite plus to UBC is that their admittance requirements are...let's say slightly higher than BCIT's. One of the issues I have with working in a group is that ever since Beth I've been...shall we say a more dominant personality? That's one way of putting it. In any case, as a result of this, it means that I am often suggesting ideas at perhaps an accelerated pace from what most of my setmates would expect--also, as a result, I can often come off as domineering. I try and mitigate this as much as possible by asking for input at all times, and actively stating that if people are having a problem with the ideas I'm having, or the direction I'm going that they should tell me so that we can work with their ideas--and when people do present alternate ideas, I either present a calm, collected rationale on why their idea won't work, or integrate it with my idea, or outright reject my own in favour of theirs. The most frustrating thing of all is when everyone accepts my ideas, but I am then later confronted with the stories that someone or someones didn't take my idea or my method to heart; or even worse when a teacher says "It would have been nice if you had had this..." and someone says either "I suggested that" or "I thought of that [but didn't say anything]".
Maybe it's my naieve view, but isn't school a place of learning? A place to present ideas and ideals and to develop them in a learning environment? Shouldn't you be learning to speak up NOW so that you can get a job? Build a spine NOW while you have it good! But then I remember that it too Tat the asshole to get me in to school for real. Damn him.
Anyways, back to UBC. Chaos, it will be--that's assuming I get accepted. Course selection at 5A, an hour's commute either way...but the potential payoffs are HUGE. Polina (the friend of a friend [that first friend being Daphne--and all this just for your ]) says she's making about $30k in salary while going to school fulltime. Now, I don't know about you all, but a part time that pays $30,000 in salary sounds like a DAMN good job to me--seeing as how my best paying job to date (which was completely mindless and driving me beyond distraction) paid barely $20k, and that was 8hrs @ 5 days +OT. Definitely a good thing. With chaos comes order--the chaos of crazyschool, the order of work.
Ah, back to work, right. One of the reasons I'm hoping I don't have to keep on the meds (assuming I go on them) is because of the structure of work. Starbucks was an absolutely wonderful place for fostering my realization of the necessity of structure for me--giving exact duties and requirements for each job. Made me realize how important stuff like that is. I'm only hoping that once I find a job, that it will be as...I don't want to say 'limited' or 'restrictive', but...I suppose clearly defined is the best way to put it. I just hate ambiguity.
As a complete aside, Wikipedia is an amazing place. It's also (as far as I know) the location which coined the term "disambiguation"--in context, a 'disambiguation page', where it is made clear what of any number of specific topics you referred to--when one types in 'firefly' one is given nearly 10 options when it comes to what you mean by that--from the TV show to the insect, to god knows what else. Disambiguation is my personal buzzword.
Oh, right, that's what else I was going to talk about--what I "really" want to do.
As a quick sidenote before I do, I think a worth point of note is that I think I've had more EPR (that's Epiphanies Per Relationship) with Tiffany than I have with any other girlfriend--Marriage, settling down in general, kids, and now the clincher--teaching.
She certainly wasn't the first to tell me, but she was the most persistant in informing me that I should be a teacher. And she's right, I should be. I honestly wish I could be, and still make the kind of money that I would like to. But I know with the way that both my mom and my dad live (mom, teacher; dad's wife, teacher) that what is made by teachers is NOT enough to be able to afford keeping one parent at home. And that's really wat it all comes down to. Funny how it all comes back to parenting, eh? When it comes down to what I would like to do, I would like nothing better than to teach--probably highschool kids; that's where most teachers now are the most inneffective. There is honestly nothing like the look on a kid's (or person in general's) face when they suddenly understand a concept which is foreign to them. One of the things that I find difficult about teaching, though, is when people don't WANT to learn, even when they complain about not knowing somethng and working really hard. I can make it relevant (if not always easy) to learn nearly any subject--if only people would help me. Ah, but that gets me ranting about people not being responsive enough--and we've already been there once.
Children. Deary me, we're here too tonight, are we? Well, this morning. Chaotic entry this is, hits on pretty much everything now don't it? There was once a time when I didn't want kids--and it's funny because if I think back to then, all I can remember is towards the end reevaluating things and saying "you know what, I really did want kids the whole time, regardless of what she said.". I know there was once a time when I actually had myself convinced I didn't want kids--and now my insistance on having the right environment for my kids may end up putting that at risk. My mom was an amazing woman--I honestly don't know how she did what she did with the resources she had; nor do I think I could do the amazing job she did in parenting me alone were I left to my own devices. One of the things that I know I found incredibly helpful and supportive that she did was to hire a nanny whenever she couldn't be around--that constant attention was invaluable in helping me foster my...well, my ME. When I have kids, I want to make sure that they get the same kind of supportiveness that I got from my mom--but I know that I myself won't have the energy to do it.
I don't know. All I do know is that Cindy ended up calling me about 10 minutes ago, and I haven't really written much since. It's good to hear from her again, and I think this anxiety is sort of starting to fade. Maybe I needed this blogpost more than I thought. Here's to ranting to get things off one's chest.