somewhere between here and there

Feb 05, 2006 23:50


Have you ever met someone that just always seemed happy, always had a good time? I have spent the past one year and nine months pretending like every thing is going to be ok. But it isn't. At some point every day whether it be in the shower in the morning, my ride home from work, or before I go to bed at night I cry. It might be just a tear or two, or maybe full on choking on my tears. Last Sunday I spent six hours trying to not break down just to make it out the door before the tears started to pour out. I could barely see trying to drive home. I just watched million dollar baby and spent the last half an hour of the movie crying and ever since then. I always thought I was a very strong person, I like to appear to people that I am very strong. But the truth is now that time is rapidly moving on I can't hide it any longer, I can't sit back and try to pretend like every thing is just fucking dandy. I always liked to play it off that I didn't have a drug problem. Well people do drugs as an escape, as an escape from something in their life, in their past, and in their future that they just can't handle. Well if I define drug use as an escape from something in my life then I have a drug problem. But that is all going to change. I need to find a way to escape that betters my life. That is why I want to move. If I move to manayunk a good forty-five minutes from royersford I feel like I wouldn't have to think about it every day. Those few friends I am actually very close to probably don't even know the half of this. In fact he doesn't even know how I truly feel about the situation. Ready for this, I’m finally ready to say it out loud and essentially in public. My father is moving to Florida soon and I am scared to death of losing him. My dad is my rock, he has always been there for me, and through thick and thin he has been the one I turned to. He just can't move. I cannot live with out him, with out him here for me, me here for him. I am twenty years old and all I really want in life is my daddy. I have dated a couple of guys in the past five years or what ever but I can honestly say not one of them knew me the way I knew them. I’m sure I know a hell of a lot more about my friends then they know about me at times. But that is my fault, it is my fault because I don't get close to people and when they start to get to close I push them away. Most of my friends have never met my mom or stepped foot in her house. My mom has never even met one of my boyfriends or roommates; she has never been in my apartment either. I’m far too afraid of being hurt or betrayed or something likes that. I haven't even spoken to my best friend from middle school/high school since the night I ran into her drunken boyfriend and he handed me the phone, which she was on the other end of. It was so incredibly awkward I couldn't even imagine speaking to her again. I can barely afford to live in my apartment now but I don't want to move home. I even have thought about going back to school but I can't afford that either. And I can't save up money when I need to pay off a school loan and bills. And if I can't save up for those things then I can't go to school and get a degree so I can get a better job and save up money to visit my dad or just feel secure in life just for once. Once my dad leaves I won't have any one to turn to, nothing to look forward to and nothing to make everything seem just a little bit better when everything seems to be going absolutely wrong. And at the same time I feel like I am being so selfish about this. At least I have a dad, at least he is still alive though he maybe a few states and a phone call away. (I don't know how you do it baby, you are so strong and so brave. I love you and you know I will always be there for you. You know who you are.) So what do I do? Do I suck it up and hope things turn out all right in the end? Do I drown myself in work and trying to change my bad habits and better my body and myself? Or do I just continue on this downward spiral of depression and lashing out about the dumbest fucking things for no reason what so ever? I don’t know, I don’t have the answers, I don’t have anyone to turn to, no one to ask. All I know is that I will cherish the next couple of weeks more than any other time of my life. If I had it my way, I would be six years old again and my dad would be picking me up from day care at three o’clock on his way home from work and he would take me home and we would build a bird house or play games or watch the Simpson’s or hit golf balls in the back yard or just hang out. Just be father and daughter, back when everything was so much easier back when I had nothing to worry about but what time my dad was picking me up after school.

I love you, don’t leave me.

I can’t talk about this anymore. I’m going to bed.

It's winter and I'm late I lost this game
Of white Russian roulette but I'm fine I'm quite ok,
And she knows I'm royal loyal to lovers
I'll die here with you when my veins lose their hue
Cause I never fixed my broken jaw
That's why my words don't ever come out at all,
So when you come out fix another for me
One hand's itching the other's missing
I wish I was missing...
Birth marked my arms in vain out my mouth and down the drain
Shooting bullets through my blood, the bullets barely missed my brain
And fly for five days around my bedroom in a haze
And then I'll crash straight in the ground
I wish I was never ever here...
And I don't know what's buried here
(I think) I'm buried here and barely here...
Raccoon eyed and skin whiter than heavens best fighter
I'm thinking she needs me, well do you girl? I guess we'll see
And I know she's perfect, a hostage in purple
We'll tie up our arms with my cancer and your charm
Cause I'll never kiss a broken jaw
Fist fight the light that bounces off my walls
So when you come out fix another for me
One leg's limping, the other's missing
I wish I was missing...
Dodging broken down satellites
Mending my beaten up jaw line
Last night I stayed on call all night
And I watched her die three times tonight
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