rambling. let's see if anyone still reads
So one day you come to a place in your life where you can't go on any further living the same crappy way you have for what seems like a lifetime. You can't keep shoving the same type of crap down further and further into the darkness. Someday we have to deal with our problems so that they finally go away. We have to 'man up' and take responsibility for our own happiness. We can't do it in highschool because everything is laid out for us and we don't know what our own happiness needs to thrive. We can't do it in the first year of being on our own because the world overwhelms us with the new and crisp air that we get to experience for the first time. I went to the movies last night and realized how we are going wrong with the next generation. I was lucky and my parents were older than the rest in my class. I was the youngest by 5 years and my parents still governed fairly like they did with my older brother. I had a curfew and knew i was in deep shit if i missed it. Granted, i made my share of mistakes of drunkedly coming home late, never said i was perfect. But last night i watched Disturbia (good movie by the way) and got lost in the sea of perfume, mini skirts, dad's cars, and lipstick. My generation is either going to be a good generation that changes the world with their responsibilities, or they will slack off in the world and cause even more violence and crime because they have always gotten what they want. I don't know the answer to this futuristic question and i know no one else does either. We can't predict the future. Thank God for that, or we would never make mistakes. But further more, i fear that our materialistic world is going to take a turn... and for the worst. I have a feeling that our children are going to be spoiled brats. And for you impatient people out there- don't fear because half of the highschoolers were pregnant last night- so we'll see the fruits of our looms in only a decade or so. Heaven help us- for we all know that a higher being is the only way we will reach our life expectancy.
So i have turned over a new leaf and i am single. Yes gentlemen- i am single once more. After a 18months of dealing with the same selfish asshole, i have decided that i need to shed a layer off of my skin called life. It's hard though. I find myself at worst when i'm lying in bed alone at night. You never realize how much the person you hold each night means to you until you have no one to hold. I love him, that has never been the question. I have never allowed one person mean so much to me before in my life. Mostly because i'm not a trusting person. I have always figured i could grab life by the balls and it never required anyones help. When I was 16, i needed help and no one gave me any, so i learned to cope. It's really worked out fine and i take pride that i never have to ask anyone for help or rely one someone to get stuff done. I fell in love unexpectedly and without anyone's consent. I moved in the same manner. We may have taken things to fast, we may have rushed into moving in together, but i tell everyone that thinks that- "That's not what was wrong" and that's definately not why i'm single. It worked. It actually did. For everyone that is thinking 'I told you so, steph', Your wrong. The thing that went wrong between my love and I, was his inability to show compassion and love openly and his availability of anger. He was angry. And one little incident could cause him to be angry and spiteful for hours, days, weeks, even a month or more. He was angry at many things, and only some included myself. He ruined many good moments because of his anger and he had no control over his words and actions. He's thirty years old and should have some kind of control. So i told him on tuesday that we need time off. Lots of time off. He claims he'll change and he'll do anything to get me back, but every time we have a fight he says the same thing. He claims that things will change and that he'll do things better and care more and love more openly. I just can't believe him this time. I just can't. I have to be honest to myself and to my heart. I love him, and if it's meant to be, it will work in the end.
does anyone else out there believe me?
So i have turned over a new leaf and i am single. Yes gentlemen- i am single once more. After a 18months of dealing with the same selfish asshole, i have decided that i need to shed a layer off of my skin called life. It's hard though. I find myself at worst when i'm lying in bed alone at night. You never realize how much the person you hold each night means to you until you have no one to hold. I love him, that has never been the question. I have never allowed one person mean so much to me before in my life. Mostly because i'm not a trusting person. I have always figured i could grab life by the balls and it never required anyones help. When I was 16, i needed help and no one gave me any, so i learned to cope. It's really worked out fine and i take pride that i never have to ask anyone for help or rely one someone to get stuff done. I fell in love unexpectedly and without anyone's consent. I moved in the same manner. We may have taken things to fast, we may have rushed into moving in together, but i tell everyone that thinks that- "That's not what was wrong" and that's definately not why i'm single. It worked. It actually did. For everyone that is thinking 'I told you so, steph', Your wrong. The thing that went wrong between my love and I, was his inability to show compassion and love openly and his availability of anger. He was angry. And one little incident could cause him to be angry and spiteful for hours, days, weeks, even a month or more. He was angry at many things, and only some included myself. He ruined many good moments because of his anger and he had no control over his words and actions. He's thirty years old and should have some kind of control. So i told him on tuesday that we need time off. Lots of time off. He claims he'll change and he'll do anything to get me back, but every time we have a fight he says the same thing. He claims that things will change and that he'll do things better and care more and love more openly. I just can't believe him this time. I just can't. I have to be honest to myself and to my heart. I love him, and if it's meant to be, it will work in the end.
does anyone else out there believe me?