WITCH WEEKLY.
Broomsticks, Bats, and Quills.
It's not how long your ladle is, but how you stir with it.
by Elektra Hitching
It's an age old question: Does size matter? The rumour mill has been churning as of late in regards to a certain Chosen One's ladle or, as the notorious blond known as Draco Malfoy has claimed, his 'little bat'. After the Daily Prophet ran a now infamous article discussing Harry Potter's lack of shame in discussing his "sexual organ" we at Witch Weekly decided it was high time that the matter was taken into professional hands.
So, diligent journalists that we are, we have compiled for you a list of famous 'bats' and how large you all think they may or may not be. After interviewing many a woman in Diagon Alley, we've narrowed it down to five of particular interest, and made up a key rife with euphemisms involving the size of the bat in question. Sorry to the numerous brooms, ladles, quills and, of course, bats that have undoubtedly been left out, but the truth of the matter is, you simply didn't measure up!
1. CHAD GRIT. The fittest man in the Wizarding World. The man who's had both Gwenifer Flaniston
and Mandelina Wylie. There has to be a reason for all the hubhub, doesn't there? It can't just be that manly rugged allure that has all the ladies fainting to the ground. So, Trite Club, or Trojan Horse?
You say: 5% Trite Club, 95% Trojan Horse.
2. RUFUS SCRIMGEOUR. The Minister of Magic himself. Is that walking stick compensating for a whole lot more, or it simply an aid that should be taken at face value?
You say: 28% Compensation, 72% Just a walking stick.
3. RICHARD DAWLISH. The Auror who's now established himself as the Transfigurations Professor at Hogwarts, but not an altogether popular one. As of late, students comment that he seems to be direly missing his pussy (for which we send you our condolences, Richard), but we wonder if there's more to this story than meets the eye. Is Richard's wand just not enough to please women, or is he simply neglecting a woman's warmth in favour of mourning for his deceased cat?
You say: 53% 8 centimeters, thin, and much too bendy; 47% A grieving soul.
4. DRACO MALFOY. The Malfoy heir has gained a certain level of notoriety in the last year, and is also the one who first alluded to Harry Potter's small organ. Is Draco Malfoy simply projecting his own problems on to others as Potter claims, or is that confident grey stare an indication that he does indeed have a broom to be cocky over?
You say: 43% Projection, 57% Lots of cockiness, lots of -
5. HARRY POTTER. How could this questionnaire have been complete without the boy who brought the entire issue into the public eye? The Boy Who Lived seems to have a lot to be angry for - but is there a smaller something that's a partial cause for his frustration? The question here is, a lonely Beater's bat, or a suave Firebolt?
You say: 75% Bat, 24% Firebolt, 1% absolutely appalled (I apologise again, Mrs Weasley, but the freedom of the press really can't be stopped.)
Well girls, that's all there is to that! You've decided the truth, once and for all, and these boys will simply have to live with it. And who knows? They might even come to one of you for a bit of consolation.