Sum of my parts?
Well, I was having a thin(ish) day until I went to get dressed to go out tonight, now I feel fat. I wonder if I'll ever have a constant and reliable sense of what my body looks like.
I've been thinking about mind/body duality and all that crap today. I still want to be a ghost, a brain in a jar or jettison this body in some way. On the one hand, I know I shuldn't be so consumed with what it looks like because I'm more interested in my achievements and personality defining me. Not this meatpuppet I lug around. But it does bother me, intensely that it's not up to scratch, or rather that it doesn't fit into society's narrow definition of beauty. It's a sad truth beautiful people have easier lives. I would like to re-connect with dressing and styling myself for my own gratification, right now I just do it to appease and please and it's a chore to try and prettify this body I don't like. I think when I was a kid I liked wearing certain clothes and accessories just because they made me feel good and expressed my personality, I want to get back to that.
Of course, rejecting my body is probably mostly ED based. When I was in treatment they doctors were aware they couldn't save my body without assaulting my psyche and to work on my psyche and keep my sense of self intact they'd have to let me keep running my body into the ground. A compramise was struck in the end but I never really bought in to it. I've since realised that my sense of self and my body are too important to compramise on. I'm going to have to fix both and reconcile them one day.
How on earth did I come to the conclusion that sabotaging my body would save my self? I know it's a bizzare plan but it comes from somewhere deep in my subconscious.
I've been thinking about mind/body duality and all that crap today. I still want to be a ghost, a brain in a jar or jettison this body in some way. On the one hand, I know I shuldn't be so consumed with what it looks like because I'm more interested in my achievements and personality defining me. Not this meatpuppet I lug around. But it does bother me, intensely that it's not up to scratch, or rather that it doesn't fit into society's narrow definition of beauty. It's a sad truth beautiful people have easier lives. I would like to re-connect with dressing and styling myself for my own gratification, right now I just do it to appease and please and it's a chore to try and prettify this body I don't like. I think when I was a kid I liked wearing certain clothes and accessories just because they made me feel good and expressed my personality, I want to get back to that.
Of course, rejecting my body is probably mostly ED based. When I was in treatment they doctors were aware they couldn't save my body without assaulting my psyche and to work on my psyche and keep my sense of self intact they'd have to let me keep running my body into the ground. A compramise was struck in the end but I never really bought in to it. I've since realised that my sense of self and my body are too important to compramise on. I'm going to have to fix both and reconcile them one day.
How on earth did I come to the conclusion that sabotaging my body would save my self? I know it's a bizzare plan but it comes from somewhere deep in my subconscious.