Me and Ed are back together.
I'm back on LJ because i need somewhere private to obsess about my disordered eating and to express myself freely. I have abandoned many journals over the years and been part of many communities. Mostly fangirl and eating disorder related. I am currently relapsing into AN. I wouldnt say I've ever recovered, I just maintained a normal weight for a couple of years. I've had disordered eating for about 9 years now so the prognosis isn't great. I believe AN is mostly a biological/neurological condition as opposed to culturally influenced. While I may look at supermodels to trigger myself when I'm in the grip of my disease, I find it offensive to be told I developed it because I'm a stupid woman brainwashed by the fashion industry. This time, I had a throat infection which stopped me eating much for a week or so and now I can't bear to start eating again. It's like a switch has flipped and I feel so much better to be back in this familiar territory of avoiding food, calculating calories burned and evaluating my day on how well I've controlled my consumption. I'm not underweight at the moment, I'm not frantically deep into the disorder but I'm consciously choosing to go that way. I don't even feel guilty for saying that, I have missed starving and recovery just never works out for me. Anyway, here's my vital info - I'm 5'5", 25 years old and my lowest BMI was 14. I have no idea what I weigh now and I wont be getting weighed for a while. I'm eating around 800kcal a day. It would be less but I'm home for Xmas and even a monster like me doesn't want to worry her parents.