(no subject)
a year is so significant. you learn so much over the period of a year. a year can really make or break your life. its been a year.
1. ive been sober for nearly a year, yes ive slipped up a few times. and i suppose im not really sober as im on methadone but im not on heroin anymore. 2. ive been dating mark for nearly a year. 3. maggie died a year ago. maggie died a year ago.
1. cleanliness is a mindfuck. some days i wake up really appreciative. other days my entire body literally physically craves everything ive left behind. and on those days i can come so close to leaving, hopping the train and trading it in. and the times that i do trade it in i feel so empty afterwards. it is almost more satisfying waiting for it then actually shooting the shit.
you see im beginning to see that drug addiction for so many ppl is a cycle that lasts a lifetime. i know so many junkies that after 5, 10, 20 years of true honest sobriety they wake up feeling like i sometimes do and go back. for me thats what i find so scarey. never really being able to escape something that i understand so well. i often think of my relationship with heroin as a really bad marriage. he beats me up so i leave him and really do hate him for awhile, but then as time goes on i get lonely and begin to remember our good times together so i call him and hes oh so sweet. and i think it over but eventually i do decide to see him. and we laugh and we fuck and hold each other...but then the beatings begin and again i leave. and over and over it goes. but instead of simply missing my husband i really do crave her. and i cant understand why after so long my body will still let the thought of getting high literally overtake it. and build and build until it is me and i am it. she becomes a siamese twin. i hate her bc she is always there but somewhere i love her bc she is my family. i hate her a hundred times more then i love her. ratio: 100 to 1.
my body is sober but the drug is still gripping my soul. the grip is weakening over time but maybe one day something inside of me will become strong enough to leave it behind totally. until that day i feel like i will never be free.
2. its been 9 months of pure bliss, mark and i. ive loved and been loved many times in my life but this one is so different. i learn something new about myself through him everyday. and whenever i think i know all that there is to know about him something happens that makes me think i dont really know him at all. weve been talking about getting married. not until we are finished with school of course but i think he is going to ask me when we move and are back on our feet. in feb when im off probation we are going to move to nc with my grandma so i can go back to school and sort of get away from everyone and everything and really focus on myself/and he on himself/eachother. and then after school we are planning on moving to prague with his grandmother (he is czech). i think having a soul mate is a crock of shit but if it were true i think we are each others soul mate. enough of this cheesiness.
3. i think about maggie every day. i found a website that i think her parents made that has a picture of me/ and a few other ppl and underneath there is a caption that says "she sells drugs to our children". seeing that broke my heart. when i met maggie i saw something in her that i hadnt seen in anyone in a really long time. there was an innocence in the way she looked at the world, almost like a child and it was so refreshing. i took it upon myself to try and save her from herself. at the time she was treating herself horribly, doing things she shouldnt for drugs and it really hurt me to watch. i remember everyone thought i was crazy taking her under my wing. most ppl thought she was manipulative and a slut and etcetcetc, though after time i think they started to see what i saw in her. we would go on long drives and i would tell her my story and try and get her to see how beautiful she was. i wanted so badly for her to respect herself and her body. and at the time i really would have traded myself to see her get better, i wanted it that bad. i remember one night in particular, she had just traded herself for her habit and she called me crying. she was so upset that she had betrayed her fiancee and basically let herself go that low for drugs. we met up and i took her to the river and had her throw it all in. she started laughing and laughing and laughing and at first i was a little taken aback but then she turned to me and said "ive tried to do this so many times, why is it so easy when im with you." for the first time i felt so close.
we turned off our phones and lay on the edge of the river pouring our souls to eachother for hours, watching stars and airplanes.
shortly afterwards, i got a phone call from her that her sister had walked in on her shooting up. she wanted to pretend that it was her first time and i really had to argue with her to convince her to tell her parents and nick the truth. she was stubborn when she wanted to be. i later found out she didn't tell them the whole truth, but i was relieved that at least they KNEW about her problem at all.
ill never forget, it was friday or saturday morning. i was sleeping at larrys and maggie calls me and wants to see me right away. she comes over and tells me that her parents were sending her to KAREN rehab the following day. my heart sank. karen was the rehab that rich parents send there kids. no one wants to actually be there and everyone that i knew that had gone there actually came back worse. it wasnt the right place for her, it wasnt even close. going there would have put a bad taste in her mouth about rehab forever. so i called my sponsor jessica and asked her the names of some good rehabs and wrote them down for maggie to show to her parents. i was so relieved when later that day she called and told me that they had agreed to it.
for the next few days she would call me whenever she had time away from nick. she didnt like talking to me in front of him bc he didnt know the truth about anything really. and she didnt want him to. she was nervous about going to rehab and getting clean. she wanted to know if i would still be here when she got back and i let her know that if i was still using when she got out i wouldnt want to see her. seeing me high would only make her want to do it too. at the time i had lost faith in myself getting clean. i had tried so many times and it never lasted. i was really a mess but ill get into that later. i felt like i had suceeded in getting her away from the lifestyle. i was so proud of myself but more importantly i was so proud of her. at that point she was actually excited about getting clean and starting over. she was talking about going to law school or maybe helping other addicts. she would have been so good at any of those things.
she came over to ____ and wanted to buy ALOT as her last hoorah. she had to leave for rehab in a day or two and told me that she wanted to end it right. after she got it she pretended like i was going to hit her and asked me to go into the bathroom with her. she wanted to talk about how nervous she was but i was bitching at her for getting so much. i told her that this is how ppl die and she reassured me that nick would hit her up and make sure she didnt do too much. it still made me nervous but she started crying about leaving her parents and nick
and thanked me for being such a good friend and kissed me. she wanted me to get clean while she was gone so that we could move in together and be roommates when she got back. i promised her i would try my hardest and i meant it. she got really fucked up that night and i told nick to watch out for her. he promised and told me he wouldnt let her do anymore. oh. she got her first tattoo that day. on her shoulder. belle. that was the last night i saw her.
i talked to her on the phone the next day.
and then she died.
i kept my promise and got clean for her. i pray for her every night. of everyone ive ever known she is the last person that should have died. she was so young at heart and so innocent. and she was so happy sometimes. and so sad other times. but she would have been great. i miscarried not too long ago and the babys middle name was margeret after her.
i know her parents blame me for her death. im sure her boyfriend does as well. none of them know how it really was. they just knew i was a heroin addict and i think im the only dope fiend they think she knew. and i heard something about how they think i recruited her for a drug dealer to get more business. its all so wrong. such the opposite of what really happened. ive never sold anything in my entire life. ive bitched as drug dealers for selling drugs. why would i want anyone to end up the way i was. i was basically dead. i loved her so much and i worked so hard to get her away from that life. but i cant help thinkign that if i had just stayed away from her she would have gone to karen and would stil be alive. i blame myself every day for that.
1. ive been sober for nearly a year, yes ive slipped up a few times. and i suppose im not really sober as im on methadone but im not on heroin anymore. 2. ive been dating mark for nearly a year. 3. maggie died a year ago. maggie died a year ago.
1. cleanliness is a mindfuck. some days i wake up really appreciative. other days my entire body literally physically craves everything ive left behind. and on those days i can come so close to leaving, hopping the train and trading it in. and the times that i do trade it in i feel so empty afterwards. it is almost more satisfying waiting for it then actually shooting the shit.
you see im beginning to see that drug addiction for so many ppl is a cycle that lasts a lifetime. i know so many junkies that after 5, 10, 20 years of true honest sobriety they wake up feeling like i sometimes do and go back. for me thats what i find so scarey. never really being able to escape something that i understand so well. i often think of my relationship with heroin as a really bad marriage. he beats me up so i leave him and really do hate him for awhile, but then as time goes on i get lonely and begin to remember our good times together so i call him and hes oh so sweet. and i think it over but eventually i do decide to see him. and we laugh and we fuck and hold each other...but then the beatings begin and again i leave. and over and over it goes. but instead of simply missing my husband i really do crave her. and i cant understand why after so long my body will still let the thought of getting high literally overtake it. and build and build until it is me and i am it. she becomes a siamese twin. i hate her bc she is always there but somewhere i love her bc she is my family. i hate her a hundred times more then i love her. ratio: 100 to 1.
my body is sober but the drug is still gripping my soul. the grip is weakening over time but maybe one day something inside of me will become strong enough to leave it behind totally. until that day i feel like i will never be free.
2. its been 9 months of pure bliss, mark and i. ive loved and been loved many times in my life but this one is so different. i learn something new about myself through him everyday. and whenever i think i know all that there is to know about him something happens that makes me think i dont really know him at all. weve been talking about getting married. not until we are finished with school of course but i think he is going to ask me when we move and are back on our feet. in feb when im off probation we are going to move to nc with my grandma so i can go back to school and sort of get away from everyone and everything and really focus on myself/and he on himself/eachother. and then after school we are planning on moving to prague with his grandmother (he is czech). i think having a soul mate is a crock of shit but if it were true i think we are each others soul mate. enough of this cheesiness.
3. i think about maggie every day. i found a website that i think her parents made that has a picture of me/ and a few other ppl and underneath there is a caption that says "she sells drugs to our children". seeing that broke my heart. when i met maggie i saw something in her that i hadnt seen in anyone in a really long time. there was an innocence in the way she looked at the world, almost like a child and it was so refreshing. i took it upon myself to try and save her from herself. at the time she was treating herself horribly, doing things she shouldnt for drugs and it really hurt me to watch. i remember everyone thought i was crazy taking her under my wing. most ppl thought she was manipulative and a slut and etcetcetc, though after time i think they started to see what i saw in her. we would go on long drives and i would tell her my story and try and get her to see how beautiful she was. i wanted so badly for her to respect herself and her body. and at the time i really would have traded myself to see her get better, i wanted it that bad. i remember one night in particular, she had just traded herself for her habit and she called me crying. she was so upset that she had betrayed her fiancee and basically let herself go that low for drugs. we met up and i took her to the river and had her throw it all in. she started laughing and laughing and laughing and at first i was a little taken aback but then she turned to me and said "ive tried to do this so many times, why is it so easy when im with you." for the first time i felt so close.
we turned off our phones and lay on the edge of the river pouring our souls to eachother for hours, watching stars and airplanes.
shortly afterwards, i got a phone call from her that her sister had walked in on her shooting up. she wanted to pretend that it was her first time and i really had to argue with her to convince her to tell her parents and nick the truth. she was stubborn when she wanted to be. i later found out she didn't tell them the whole truth, but i was relieved that at least they KNEW about her problem at all.
ill never forget, it was friday or saturday morning. i was sleeping at larrys and maggie calls me and wants to see me right away. she comes over and tells me that her parents were sending her to KAREN rehab the following day. my heart sank. karen was the rehab that rich parents send there kids. no one wants to actually be there and everyone that i knew that had gone there actually came back worse. it wasnt the right place for her, it wasnt even close. going there would have put a bad taste in her mouth about rehab forever. so i called my sponsor jessica and asked her the names of some good rehabs and wrote them down for maggie to show to her parents. i was so relieved when later that day she called and told me that they had agreed to it.
for the next few days she would call me whenever she had time away from nick. she didnt like talking to me in front of him bc he didnt know the truth about anything really. and she didnt want him to. she was nervous about going to rehab and getting clean. she wanted to know if i would still be here when she got back and i let her know that if i was still using when she got out i wouldnt want to see her. seeing me high would only make her want to do it too. at the time i had lost faith in myself getting clean. i had tried so many times and it never lasted. i was really a mess but ill get into that later. i felt like i had suceeded in getting her away from the lifestyle. i was so proud of myself but more importantly i was so proud of her. at that point she was actually excited about getting clean and starting over. she was talking about going to law school or maybe helping other addicts. she would have been so good at any of those things.
she came over to ____ and wanted to buy ALOT as her last hoorah. she had to leave for rehab in a day or two and told me that she wanted to end it right. after she got it she pretended like i was going to hit her and asked me to go into the bathroom with her. she wanted to talk about how nervous she was but i was bitching at her for getting so much. i told her that this is how ppl die and she reassured me that nick would hit her up and make sure she didnt do too much. it still made me nervous but she started crying about leaving her parents and nick
and thanked me for being such a good friend and kissed me. she wanted me to get clean while she was gone so that we could move in together and be roommates when she got back. i promised her i would try my hardest and i meant it. she got really fucked up that night and i told nick to watch out for her. he promised and told me he wouldnt let her do anymore. oh. she got her first tattoo that day. on her shoulder. belle. that was the last night i saw her.
i talked to her on the phone the next day.
and then she died.
i kept my promise and got clean for her. i pray for her every night. of everyone ive ever known she is the last person that should have died. she was so young at heart and so innocent. and she was so happy sometimes. and so sad other times. but she would have been great. i miscarried not too long ago and the babys middle name was margeret after her.
i know her parents blame me for her death. im sure her boyfriend does as well. none of them know how it really was. they just knew i was a heroin addict and i think im the only dope fiend they think she knew. and i heard something about how they think i recruited her for a drug dealer to get more business. its all so wrong. such the opposite of what really happened. ive never sold anything in my entire life. ive bitched as drug dealers for selling drugs. why would i want anyone to end up the way i was. i was basically dead. i loved her so much and i worked so hard to get her away from that life. but i cant help thinkign that if i had just stayed away from her she would have gone to karen and would stil be alive. i blame myself every day for that.