(no subject)
I did it, I finally did it.
I really screwed things up this time and I wish I could fix it. Have him trust me again, and not have to avoid him. Take back everything I have said.
I wish this didn't hurt so bad. Like Erin said to me today "It hurts more to miss something you have and lost, then to miss it when you never had it" And that is so true.
I know I complain to much and whatever, but there is so much more in this world that is worse. A girl in my grade lost her dad, and when I heard that it reminded me of how I felt when I lost my mom. I mean, now I was on the other end looking and feeling how everyone else did for me. And then that made me think of Bhasker, who passed away last May. I mean, how could someone our age have something like that afflict us?
I mean, what is it with the evil in this world? The feeling of never being able to catch a break. I mean I am so fortunate in the fact that I lost someone I liked, while this girl lost her dad, and Bhasker lost his life. How is that fair? That he is never going to know life, and she will never have her dad there?
I am so sick and tired of it all, I want sometimes to not have to do all the shit that compiles. We all try to some extend, to find happiness. I mean, I don't think that anyone is trying to have a depressing life, but why can't some achieve this?
I have so many questions, and not enough awnsers. And it kills me. Just like everything that is evil. That is why I don't think I neccesarliy believe in God or his powers. If he is so righteous and fair, then why the hell would he take a 15 year old, or a childs mother? That is not righteous or fair.
After what I found out today, I just feel that I am scared for the future. I don't want junior year, I don't want life. I want last year back. I want what I have lost, and it is gone forever.
It scares me to think of the harsh reality that I might become an orphan. That word is so scary, and real. And that is what scares me, the realism there is in the world. That people die, friendships break, and that there is nothing that is going to be perfect.
But is that what life is about? Trying to accept the imperfect and cope with it, and still strive to live. I mean, to love someone is not impossible, it will take sometime to adjust, sometime to fight, and sometime to heal. And then there is death, but do we not move on to something greater? That there is a place of no pain, or is there reincarnation? That your soul comes to someone else? What is it about these three peoples deaths that affect me so much. My mother, the strongest figure I knew, a kid who I talked to in a couple of classes, and then a man who never met? I think it the poor though of these circumstances and that is what is real.
Realism people, realism.
I really screwed things up this time and I wish I could fix it. Have him trust me again, and not have to avoid him. Take back everything I have said.
I wish this didn't hurt so bad. Like Erin said to me today "It hurts more to miss something you have and lost, then to miss it when you never had it" And that is so true.
I know I complain to much and whatever, but there is so much more in this world that is worse. A girl in my grade lost her dad, and when I heard that it reminded me of how I felt when I lost my mom. I mean, now I was on the other end looking and feeling how everyone else did for me. And then that made me think of Bhasker, who passed away last May. I mean, how could someone our age have something like that afflict us?
I mean, what is it with the evil in this world? The feeling of never being able to catch a break. I mean I am so fortunate in the fact that I lost someone I liked, while this girl lost her dad, and Bhasker lost his life. How is that fair? That he is never going to know life, and she will never have her dad there?
I am so sick and tired of it all, I want sometimes to not have to do all the shit that compiles. We all try to some extend, to find happiness. I mean, I don't think that anyone is trying to have a depressing life, but why can't some achieve this?
I have so many questions, and not enough awnsers. And it kills me. Just like everything that is evil. That is why I don't think I neccesarliy believe in God or his powers. If he is so righteous and fair, then why the hell would he take a 15 year old, or a childs mother? That is not righteous or fair.
After what I found out today, I just feel that I am scared for the future. I don't want junior year, I don't want life. I want last year back. I want what I have lost, and it is gone forever.
It scares me to think of the harsh reality that I might become an orphan. That word is so scary, and real. And that is what scares me, the realism there is in the world. That people die, friendships break, and that there is nothing that is going to be perfect.
But is that what life is about? Trying to accept the imperfect and cope with it, and still strive to live. I mean, to love someone is not impossible, it will take sometime to adjust, sometime to fight, and sometime to heal. And then there is death, but do we not move on to something greater? That there is a place of no pain, or is there reincarnation? That your soul comes to someone else? What is it about these three peoples deaths that affect me so much. My mother, the strongest figure I knew, a kid who I talked to in a couple of classes, and then a man who never met? I think it the poor though of these circumstances and that is what is real.
Realism people, realism.