Talking about pride
It appears I'm not supposed be able to take pride in anything, ever. It also seems to me that I'm stuck on the notion that when other people take pride in and celebrate their own victories and accomplishments and successes, they are making an explicit comparison to me and everyone else around them.
At one time in my life, I was expected to be perfect, scholastically at least. I was measured on my performance. If I got less-than-perfect grades, I could always do better. If I got perfect grades in one subject, the response was to ask why I wasn't doing as well in all the others, especially if another $STUDENT could do it. If I got perfect grades all the time, the response was See, this proves you can do it. Nothing was ever good enough. How the hell was I supposed to feel accepted in that sort of environment?
Success brought me as much misery as failure. Perhaps more so because it was such a dumbfounding experience. There wasn't a damn thing I could do well that I could be proud of that wasn't in danger of being yanked away from me for one reason or another.
I appear to have internalized this, learned to fear success because of the allure of its highly conditional acceptance.
I didn't want to take pride in anything I did lest I be too vocal about an accomplishment and have it be diminished by comparison to someone else. Because letting myself have success would be an invitation for punishment. Even if I didn't receive any, eventually I learned to punish myself instead. I would do $THING and be proud of it for an instant, then minutes would pass and I would fold the thought over to crushing myself because I knew of another $PERSON who had already done $BIGGERTHING in #LESSTIME or whatever, so in comparison I really had no cause for pride to begin with.
If I never have any cause for pride or success, if success is never meaningful, why bother trying at all?
In contrast, my weaknesses and failures were often remarked upon and favored for attention, especially because I was supposed to be "smart". Because of this, any deviation from the role of a "smart" person was noted and exploited, largely by my peers. I found this to be true up to and including high school. One interesting tactic used to make me feel like shit was to exploit ways in which others were better than me at... anything. Academics, athletics, social popularity... I could cite specific examples but they hurt too much to write, even though I was just a fucking kid at the time. The incidents were numerous.
I learned to link someone else taking pride in their accomplishments with an abusive scenario, whereby someone taking pride in their ability to be/do $SOMETHING would also immediately be used to berate me if I could not also be/do $SOMETHING as well.
Couple this pair of conditioned behaviors with another dilemma I've been having. Many friends have long told me that it is perfectly acceptable to ask for help and just fine to struggle through things and not do well at them at first. Okay fine, right. But the thing is, I seldom hear people talk about the things they struggle with, or the help they ask from other people after they complete a task. I only hear "I did this! Go me!" with no indication of the process or struggle behind it.
If it's so acceptable to ask for help and to struggle and fail at something before succeeding at it, why are people so reluctant to bring it up? Why isn't it a generally more acceptable conversation? Why the hell do I have to drag it out in deep conversation to learn how people aren't nearly as perfect as their language alone hints they are?
I don't think I behave that way. I might say "I replaced the rack and pinion setup in my car", but I'm also quick to point out that my brother helped me, I couldn't have done it without access to my farm's tools and shop space, and it was still a huge pain in the ass that caused two people to curse out loud for a few hours. Even then, I probably wouldn't have even attempted the repair were it not for the months of wrench-turning experience I'd received on the farm, where I'd both fixed and broken a lot of things. I broke the sub-soiler in my first two weeks! Do you know how hard it is to break that fucking thing? I completely outline my limitations and shortcomings. I don't think it's fair for me to misrepresent myself.
Add the three of these together. I have a very very poor relationship with the concept of pride. I don't understand it, I don't think it has ever really worked positively for me. I don't trust it not to turn around and bite me in the ass, dammit.
I'm afraid of successes. I'm afraid to take even small steps to challenge my fears because I'm afraid even if I do them, the success of their completion won't matter, will be too insignificant compared to the accomplishments of others, or will have taken too much energy for me to do, or will have been done too late in life for it to matter in mine. Reasons why my successes are already failures before I even attempt a damn thing.
I need help with this. I need help with success, I need help keeping on top of the little steps I can do to improve my life. I very much want to be able to feel a success and hold onto it for itself without being afraid of the possible twisted implications or interpretations of it. I would like help not beating myself up for success. I don't know where to begin.
At one time in my life, I was expected to be perfect, scholastically at least. I was measured on my performance. If I got less-than-perfect grades, I could always do better. If I got perfect grades in one subject, the response was to ask why I wasn't doing as well in all the others, especially if another $STUDENT could do it. If I got perfect grades all the time, the response was See, this proves you can do it. Nothing was ever good enough. How the hell was I supposed to feel accepted in that sort of environment?
Success brought me as much misery as failure. Perhaps more so because it was such a dumbfounding experience. There wasn't a damn thing I could do well that I could be proud of that wasn't in danger of being yanked away from me for one reason or another.
I appear to have internalized this, learned to fear success because of the allure of its highly conditional acceptance.
I didn't want to take pride in anything I did lest I be too vocal about an accomplishment and have it be diminished by comparison to someone else. Because letting myself have success would be an invitation for punishment. Even if I didn't receive any, eventually I learned to punish myself instead. I would do $THING and be proud of it for an instant, then minutes would pass and I would fold the thought over to crushing myself because I knew of another $PERSON who had already done $BIGGERTHING in #LESSTIME or whatever, so in comparison I really had no cause for pride to begin with.
If I never have any cause for pride or success, if success is never meaningful, why bother trying at all?
In contrast, my weaknesses and failures were often remarked upon and favored for attention, especially because I was supposed to be "smart". Because of this, any deviation from the role of a "smart" person was noted and exploited, largely by my peers. I found this to be true up to and including high school. One interesting tactic used to make me feel like shit was to exploit ways in which others were better than me at... anything. Academics, athletics, social popularity... I could cite specific examples but they hurt too much to write, even though I was just a fucking kid at the time. The incidents were numerous.
I learned to link someone else taking pride in their accomplishments with an abusive scenario, whereby someone taking pride in their ability to be/do $SOMETHING would also immediately be used to berate me if I could not also be/do $SOMETHING as well.
Couple this pair of conditioned behaviors with another dilemma I've been having. Many friends have long told me that it is perfectly acceptable to ask for help and just fine to struggle through things and not do well at them at first. Okay fine, right. But the thing is, I seldom hear people talk about the things they struggle with, or the help they ask from other people after they complete a task. I only hear "I did this! Go me!" with no indication of the process or struggle behind it.
If it's so acceptable to ask for help and to struggle and fail at something before succeeding at it, why are people so reluctant to bring it up? Why isn't it a generally more acceptable conversation? Why the hell do I have to drag it out in deep conversation to learn how people aren't nearly as perfect as their language alone hints they are?
I don't think I behave that way. I might say "I replaced the rack and pinion setup in my car", but I'm also quick to point out that my brother helped me, I couldn't have done it without access to my farm's tools and shop space, and it was still a huge pain in the ass that caused two people to curse out loud for a few hours. Even then, I probably wouldn't have even attempted the repair were it not for the months of wrench-turning experience I'd received on the farm, where I'd both fixed and broken a lot of things. I broke the sub-soiler in my first two weeks! Do you know how hard it is to break that fucking thing? I completely outline my limitations and shortcomings. I don't think it's fair for me to misrepresent myself.
Add the three of these together. I have a very very poor relationship with the concept of pride. I don't understand it, I don't think it has ever really worked positively for me. I don't trust it not to turn around and bite me in the ass, dammit.
I'm afraid of successes. I'm afraid to take even small steps to challenge my fears because I'm afraid even if I do them, the success of their completion won't matter, will be too insignificant compared to the accomplishments of others, or will have taken too much energy for me to do, or will have been done too late in life for it to matter in mine. Reasons why my successes are already failures before I even attempt a damn thing.
I need help with this. I need help with success, I need help keeping on top of the little steps I can do to improve my life. I very much want to be able to feel a success and hold onto it for itself without being afraid of the possible twisted implications or interpretations of it. I would like help not beating myself up for success. I don't know where to begin.