(Untitled)

[coffee_sir]

It wasn't that far of a walk at all, compared to some of the distances on the island. Location, location, location, that was what it was all about. Secluded enough that they had their privacy, but central enough to keep them connected. Ianto did in fact love his house a great deal

Comments

[bernicesurprise]

"Ta," Bernice replied and took a seat in one of the outdoor chairs. It was such a beautiful night and being able to see the stars always calmed her. It was dark enough the she couldn't completely make out the details of the hut, but what she could see she quite liked. Beat the hell out of sharing a room in the Compound like a first year uni student. "Do you live here alone, Ianto? Fab spot you scored."

[coffee_sir]

"Me, Charlie, Banon and Delilah now," Ianto answered as he walked out of the hut bearing a bottle and two wooden cups. "Delilah's a pig," he informed her as he grabbed a seat himself, a chagrined smirk on his face. A pig was not his idea of the perfect pet, but it wasn't a terrible idea. "This was Jane and Stu's honeymoon hut. But Tosh, Gwen and I arrived nearly one right after the other, and as Jane and Stu only had the one use for it, we expanded." He poured them each a double of something that smelled fairly pleasant -- moonshine filtered with pineapple. Tosh's idea. "They've both moved out since then."

[bernicesurprise]

Taking the drink with a look of relief that bordered on the pathetically desperate, Benny immediately threw back half of the contents of the glass and only gave a slight wince. She'd definitely drank worse in her day. "Is that...pineapple? Interesting choice." She took another, smaller sip and leaned back in the chair with a sigh. "But slow down there, secret agent man. First of all, who are Jane and Stu? The names don't sound familiar. Secondly, is Charlie your boyfriend? Most importantly, though, how in the hell did you end up living with a pig?"

[coffee_sir]

"Tosh came up with it," he said with a light chuckle. It wasn't her reaction to the pineapple he laughed at though. Giving the introductory speech was one thing; one developed a certain level of comfort with that talk. But between that and becoming a full member of island society, there was a large gap of knowledge. Ianto had forgotten about that.

"Jane is Jane Redman, nee Bennet. You might have noticed New Pemberley if you take walks, and then there's the boarding house, which isn't quite a boarding house, but it's some place other than the Compound to live. Stu is Stuart Redman. He's disappeared since," Ianto said, the smile faltering for a moment. "Jane takes care of Lydia, their daughter. Charlie is my girlfriend," he continued, lightening his tone. "But she's American and Texan, so sometimes I can't really tell the difference. She adopted the pig off of.. Marian, I think. Somehow or another we got pigs on the island and they bred. As animals do."

[bernicesurprise]

"Ah, girlfriend. I stand corrected," Benny replied in a knowing tone. "And yes, I think I've seen New Pemberley, but I don't think I've met anyone who lived there. At least that I know of."

Looking out into the darkness, Benny was silent for a moment. She'd been trying to follow Ianto's lead, make small talk, keep it light, but she was afraid it was a losing battle. Turning back toward her host, she fixed him with a look that she hoped didn't reveal just how shattered she was feeling at the moment. "How do you do it, Ianto. You, Tosh, this Jane Bennet woman. How are you all living with this...this insanity?"

[coffee_sir]

"Not any more," Ianto said, voice once again dropping in strength. "Elizabeth and Darcy disappeared as well."

With that on his mind, it was hard not to remember the reason for this conversation, the full scope of things, of their lives here. He looked at Bernice, didn't shy away from her gaze, but he wasn't sure she'd find much in his.

"We lived with insanity before," he said, shoulders barely lifting in a shrug. "So did you, travelling with the Doctor. It's.. just what you do. To survive."

[bernicesurprise]

"Yes. Of course. But this isn't just insanity, Ianto. It's utter futility. And that's horrifying on a whole other level. Traveling with the Doctor, I always knew what we did mattered. For good or worse, no matter what horrors we faced, it all mattered even if only just a little. Somehow, to someone. Here..."

She closed her eyes again before throwing back the remaining contents of her glass. "Please tell me you have enough booze to get me truly and magnificently pissed."

[coffee_sir]

He placed the bottle by her side. "I've got all the Hub stores here. We can go all night."

Ianto sighed and stared down at his own cup, thinking. "It matters now," he said after a moment. "That's the only thing I can figure. Does this change the world? No. Does it save the world? Definitely not. But here is something. It matters for now. It's a terribly, terribly selfish and narrow point of view but it's all we've got."

[bernicesurprise]

"Oh, Ianto. You're like my Welsh angel of mercy." She grabbed the bottle and refilled her glass, shooting back the contents before refilling it once more and placing the bottle back on the ground next to her. "You know, this stuff doesn't taste that bad after the third or fourth shot."

Benny tried to work out how to explain why this latest twist had affected her so badly. How much of her past to share with him. She realized pretty quickly that there wasn't much point in holding back now. "The thing is, it's not about changing the world. You think your point of view is selfish? I think maybe you're giving me too much credit. My fears are completely selfish, Ianto. This island is going to steal my memories from me. Everything I do, everything I learn and experience while I'm here. All gone. And that makes me so bloody angry."

[coffee_sir]

Pausing to consider Bernice's words, Ianto worried his upper lip with his teeth, a nervous and thoughtful gesture for him.

"I can't help you with that. That's.." Hell, why did he feel embarrassed now? Because two years after the fact, two years separated from the organization, he could vilify Torchwood as well as anyone. "That's what I signed up for. With Torchwood."

[bernicesurprise]

She registered the change in his tone before the words had sunk in and she looked over at him, blinking slowly a few times while she worked through what he'd said. She finished off her second glass and reached for the bottle before speaking. "I don't understand what you mean. What exactly did you sign up for?"

She'd had her suspicions when Toshiko first mentioned the name Torchwood and she had a nasty feeling those suspicions were about to be born out. Bloody secret organizations. Did no one in the universe ever learn? Sadly, Benny already knew the answer to that question. "What is this Torchwood really?"

[coffee_sir]

It wasn't painful to talk about then, just awkward and a little bit sad. Ianto downed the last of his drink that he had let sit, cleared his throat and answered.

"Torchwood is a secret organization, or was, like UNIT. Only outside the government, beyond the United Nations. Our duty was to protect the United Kingdom from alien forces, anyone who wished to do us harm, by any means necessary." He paused and smiled wryly. "The Doctor was enemy number one, naturally. We also picked up any alien tech that happened to come to Earth. But Torchwood had a very strict policy on... retirement. On anything that involved interaction with the public, actually. They developed these pills called Retcon. ...If you left the organization, within 24 hours you would be secretly dosed with Retcon, wiping out all your memories of.. however long you worked there. Everything. Gone."

[bernicesurprise]

Benny couldn't think of a single thing to say. Or, to be more accurate, she couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't bring this evening to a screeching halt and she didn't want that. So she shot back the rest of her drink, savouring the warmth that was finally spreading through her, and looked out into the darkness. When she finally felt as though she had a handle on her revulsion, she turned back to him. "Why would you agree to that, Ianto? What could they have possibly offered you that would make you accept those terms? It's...please make me understand."

[coffee_sir]

"It's not exactly the highlight of the recruitment speech," Ianto replied crisply. It wasn't Bernice's fault, of course, but the farther he got from that life, the stupider he felt for it.

"They don't mention it until you've gotten into it and... well, then it's too late. You don't think about it. You think it'll never happen, not to you, you'll never leave. And then sometimes..." Sometimes the nightmares plagued you when you woke. Sometimes the truth makes you a prisoner. Sometimes you shut your eyes and all you can see is blood, flames and metal. "And sometimes you want to forget."

[bernicesurprise]

"I'm sorry, Ianto. I'm sorry." She had no reason to attack him and she had no right to ask him to justify himself to her. Everyone was entitled to their own mistakes, and she knew that better than most. She'd made more than her fair share of pacts with the devil and they always seemed like a good idea at the time. Maybe it was just that his decision was hitting too close to home for her at the moment. Still and all, it was his decision to make.

"I wonder if that makes all of this easier for you. The fact that we're all going to lose our memories of this life, I mean. You've had so long to get used to the idea that it could be a possibility." She sighed and shot the rest of her drink. She'd be damned if she wasn't going to get well and truly pissed. "I'm not trying to be cruel, honestly. I'm sorry if it sounds that way."

[coffee_sir]

He held up a hand to ward off her apologies. They weren't unappreciated, but unnecessary. He knew she didn't intentionally want to hurt him, and they only got in the way of conversation, finding a solution.

"It does and it doesn't," he said with a small shrug. "On the one hand, yes, I'm sort of used to it, but..." Ianto let out a frustrated sigh. "My life here is so much better than my life back home." He lifted his gaze to her, but all he could do was idly shake his head as he looked for words to explain. "I never want to leave. Ever. I have so much more here than I could ever have back home, and... I know it won't make any difference to me when I get home, but the thought of leaving... it's terrible. But I've learned what it's like to be in a situation that you can't change. I've learned that being angry doesn't always help. Sometimes you have to go along, lie to yourself if necessary, just to keep living and enjoy the life you're living. It's not an easy thing to swallow but... well, it's the only answer I've come to