(no subject)
The end of a conversation they'd been avoiding...
"Ah, that's it. Maybe I'm just waiting for your balls to grow back," he snipped dryly.
Daniel stared at him for a minute. "They didn't go anywhere!"
"Really?" Ianto replied, eyebrows raised. "They seem to have disappeared."
Daniel continued staring, "And what's that supposed to mean?"
"It means you're acting like a baby," Ianto informed him crisply. "You did something wrong, and instead of sucking it up, you're waiting for people to coddle you. It's disgusting."
Daniel grit his teeth. It wasn't like that at all and he thought Ianto knew that. "I'm not waiting for people to coddle me. I know I screwed up."
"Really?" Ianto asked again. "Because you keep waiting for me to forgive you, for Tosh to forgive you, for Jack to understand. You keep waiting for someone to give you a break, and you're whining about the fact that they aren't the entire time." He started to spit out the words more than say them, but restrained himself from actually yelling.
"Try shutting up for once," he suggested. "Silence is golden, and other clichés as well."
"Someone did understand," Daniel returned quickly. "But out of everyone, I sure as hell didn't expect it to be Owen." Jack, maybe, but not Owen. He took a steadying breath that really didn't do anything for the anger and frustration he felt. He'd told Jack that he'd felt Ianto slipping away, but he didn't think it would come this fast. "I did shut up, Ianto. And you keep looking like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop."
Ianto almost laughed, but it was a humorless thing, more like the exhalation of someone who didn't know whether to laugh or cry. But Ianto wasn't going to cry. "You haven't shut up, Daniel," he informed him sharply. "Every 'sorry' is followed by a 'but'. Every time you say you know you've screwed up, you follow it with a pity party about how no one loves you anymore. It comes off as weak and an attempt to justify your actions. It's pathetic." And with that last word, Ianto wasn't anywhere near laughing any more.
Pathetic. The word cut through him like a knife and he closed his eyes, trying to keep some semblance of control. To keep some of this all together. But it was getting harder. If Ianto wanted the truth, then maybe he should have it. "Maybe because I just know that you won't want to hear that while I hate that I wasn't there for Mimi, I still don't regret leaving in the first place."
He was never good at making decisions on his feet. Ever. But hearing that from Daniel-- he didn't hesitate. He couldn't. Because this was the one thing he wouldn't let Daniel do to him. "You're right," he said, in what could be best described as his Torchwood tone: polite, impartial and cool. "I don't. Because in that case you can leave."
He tried to deny the words. Ianto didn't mean them. He couldn't. "Then stop telling me I don't have balls."
Ianto stared. It was as if he was looking at someone he didn't know. What had happened to the man he loved? "...You don't, Daniel," he said, a little slower for his benefit. "If you admitted that and stood to face the consequences, you'd be acting like a man. But you're afraid, and so you're hiding and pitying yourself."
He blinked, and shook his head, repeating dully, "Get out anyways."
There was a reason for that. "I don't want to leave, Ianto," Daniel said softly, wishing Ianto to believe him, to understand. "Is it wrong that you're one of the few things about this island that's bearable and that I don't want that to go away?" Especially now, he didn't have anyhing else, anyone else, or felt like it.
"Oh, look," Ianto replied dryly, falling back on old tactics and smiling blandly. "It's about what you want again. Fancy that."
Daniel grit his teeth and snapped, "Fine, yes, it's all about me, me, me, me, me." He looked at Ianto pointedly. "Are you really saying that you want me to walk out that door and never come back again?" He obviously expected a 'no'.
"Yes," Ianto answered coolly. But he couldn't say 'forever'. He knew better than that. "And never again without invitation."
The words felt worse than any punches that Jack had landed earlier and he said the next words without thinking. "It wouldn't be with invitation or without. It wouldn't be at all."
"That's your choice," Ianto replied, keeping any hint of sadness out of his voice.
"No, it's yours," Daniel said softly, struggling to keep his voice even. "I'm laying the ground rules." Ianto knew what was at stake, he could be decide how far he was willing to go. "Or, what, were you looking for a trial separation?"
It never failed. Even in the most straight-forward of situations, Daniel managed to somehow talk himself through it. But Ianto wouldn't let Daniel place all the blame on him, make this entirely his decision and throw it back in his face later. Daniel had brought them to where they were just as much as Ianto had. "Daniel, I'm not quibbling with you," he said with finality. "Get out."
And really, there was no trying to interpret that as anything but what it was. His face closed and he nodded at Ianto. "Fine." He turned slowly, ignoring Ianto, ignoring Banon, ignoring his own feelings and walked out, shutting the door behind him.
The silence that followed was almost blissful. But it was a false sort of bliss. Banon whined, confused, looking between Ianto and the shut door, but he ignored her for the moment. With shaking but quick hands he pulled the cartouche from around his neck, depositing it in the hidden drawer of his wardrobe with half a dozen other secret treasures. Shutting it soundly, he sighed and sat down on the floor, taking Banon into his arms as she bounded forward. "Hey, fach," he said softly as the dog licked at his chin. "We're alright."
"Ah, that's it. Maybe I'm just waiting for your balls to grow back," he snipped dryly.
Daniel stared at him for a minute. "They didn't go anywhere!"
"Really?" Ianto replied, eyebrows raised. "They seem to have disappeared."
Daniel continued staring, "And what's that supposed to mean?"
"It means you're acting like a baby," Ianto informed him crisply. "You did something wrong, and instead of sucking it up, you're waiting for people to coddle you. It's disgusting."
Daniel grit his teeth. It wasn't like that at all and he thought Ianto knew that. "I'm not waiting for people to coddle me. I know I screwed up."
"Really?" Ianto asked again. "Because you keep waiting for me to forgive you, for Tosh to forgive you, for Jack to understand. You keep waiting for someone to give you a break, and you're whining about the fact that they aren't the entire time." He started to spit out the words more than say them, but restrained himself from actually yelling.
"Try shutting up for once," he suggested. "Silence is golden, and other clichés as well."
"Someone did understand," Daniel returned quickly. "But out of everyone, I sure as hell didn't expect it to be Owen." Jack, maybe, but not Owen. He took a steadying breath that really didn't do anything for the anger and frustration he felt. He'd told Jack that he'd felt Ianto slipping away, but he didn't think it would come this fast. "I did shut up, Ianto. And you keep looking like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop."
Ianto almost laughed, but it was a humorless thing, more like the exhalation of someone who didn't know whether to laugh or cry. But Ianto wasn't going to cry. "You haven't shut up, Daniel," he informed him sharply. "Every 'sorry' is followed by a 'but'. Every time you say you know you've screwed up, you follow it with a pity party about how no one loves you anymore. It comes off as weak and an attempt to justify your actions. It's pathetic." And with that last word, Ianto wasn't anywhere near laughing any more.
Pathetic. The word cut through him like a knife and he closed his eyes, trying to keep some semblance of control. To keep some of this all together. But it was getting harder. If Ianto wanted the truth, then maybe he should have it. "Maybe because I just know that you won't want to hear that while I hate that I wasn't there for Mimi, I still don't regret leaving in the first place."
He was never good at making decisions on his feet. Ever. But hearing that from Daniel-- he didn't hesitate. He couldn't. Because this was the one thing he wouldn't let Daniel do to him. "You're right," he said, in what could be best described as his Torchwood tone: polite, impartial and cool. "I don't. Because in that case you can leave."
He tried to deny the words. Ianto didn't mean them. He couldn't. "Then stop telling me I don't have balls."
Ianto stared. It was as if he was looking at someone he didn't know. What had happened to the man he loved? "...You don't, Daniel," he said, a little slower for his benefit. "If you admitted that and stood to face the consequences, you'd be acting like a man. But you're afraid, and so you're hiding and pitying yourself."
He blinked, and shook his head, repeating dully, "Get out anyways."
There was a reason for that. "I don't want to leave, Ianto," Daniel said softly, wishing Ianto to believe him, to understand. "Is it wrong that you're one of the few things about this island that's bearable and that I don't want that to go away?" Especially now, he didn't have anyhing else, anyone else, or felt like it.
"Oh, look," Ianto replied dryly, falling back on old tactics and smiling blandly. "It's about what you want again. Fancy that."
Daniel grit his teeth and snapped, "Fine, yes, it's all about me, me, me, me, me." He looked at Ianto pointedly. "Are you really saying that you want me to walk out that door and never come back again?" He obviously expected a 'no'.
"Yes," Ianto answered coolly. But he couldn't say 'forever'. He knew better than that. "And never again without invitation."
The words felt worse than any punches that Jack had landed earlier and he said the next words without thinking. "It wouldn't be with invitation or without. It wouldn't be at all."
"That's your choice," Ianto replied, keeping any hint of sadness out of his voice.
"No, it's yours," Daniel said softly, struggling to keep his voice even. "I'm laying the ground rules." Ianto knew what was at stake, he could be decide how far he was willing to go. "Or, what, were you looking for a trial separation?"
It never failed. Even in the most straight-forward of situations, Daniel managed to somehow talk himself through it. But Ianto wouldn't let Daniel place all the blame on him, make this entirely his decision and throw it back in his face later. Daniel had brought them to where they were just as much as Ianto had. "Daniel, I'm not quibbling with you," he said with finality. "Get out."
And really, there was no trying to interpret that as anything but what it was. His face closed and he nodded at Ianto. "Fine." He turned slowly, ignoring Ianto, ignoring Banon, ignoring his own feelings and walked out, shutting the door behind him.
The silence that followed was almost blissful. But it was a false sort of bliss. Banon whined, confused, looking between Ianto and the shut door, but he ignored her for the moment. With shaking but quick hands he pulled the cartouche from around his neck, depositing it in the hidden drawer of his wardrobe with half a dozen other secret treasures. Shutting it soundly, he sighed and sat down on the floor, taking Banon into his arms as she bounded forward. "Hey, fach," he said softly as the dog licked at his chin. "We're alright."