Lost
I'm so sad, I can't really focus on anything else. Who knows how much I've cried today... this month... this year... It's so strange how the smallest things set me off lately. Where did that thick skin go? Have I really gotten so soft? I... I need to do something, decide on something, make the right move, but what IS the right move? I don't even know anymore. I am so tired of running around in the same damn circles, the same patterns over and over again. The only thing that changes is the players and the field, the game is always the same, fake smiles and scraps of pay for a place I hate. I've done this shit for 9 years now, and I still just keep getting caught in the same damn trap. Have a home, lose home, move in with Peg. Get job, get home, lose job, lose home, in with Peg. How many fucking times have I repeated this cycle? I am so sick of it, the retail work that never gets me anywhere but frustrated, the lousy pay that never lets me get ahead, living from paycheck to paycheck to the point if I miss a week of work or even an extra day or two, I worry about being able to pay my bills. How many times have I leaned on Vicky for support because somehow I'm just not strong enough to do anything on my own? What kind of fucking messed up parasite am I that I constantly have to mooch from my best friend just to scrape by when we make the same amount and get the same hours? But I barely have anything within a week of getting paid and she can somehow go out and buy things. Am I really so badly in debt? What the hell am I doing wrong? I don't go on spending sprees anymore, I don't indulge in huge or even small quantities of manga, or even subscribe to the reading sites I want to join! I try and spend my money on nothing but bills and essentials and it's still not enough! How am I going overboard? What am I doing wrong?! I already feel like I'm trying to work myself to death by the time I'm thirty, but a second job wouldn't be the answer, I really wouldn't have any time to study. I'm getting further away from my goal, further away from what I want, and I need to stop before it's out of reach again. Someone tell me how to get off this fucking merry-go-round before I lose everything! My mind, my sanity, my hopes and dreams...gods above, I just feel so lost...