(no subject)
It's 2:10 am I hate the early hours of the morning they seem so vast and desolate each minute like a slow drowning of the mind. Yet, my mind is restless, perhaps its finals maybe its something else. Again i question the direction of my life how many times in the past have I lost opportunities to apathy. I've begun to care about something and it is a strange feeling. When i say I've begun I mean it. I search in my soul for a speck of concern for my family and I only come back with disdain. My brother and my sister remotely concern me because I don't want them to be like me. I harbor an undying rage for the rest of my family. That's why I hate holiday's they only resurrect old pains. I can't say how many times I've lain awake at night listening to the whispers and sometimes to the yelling wanting to rise up and crush the life out of everyone associated with my bloodline. If only for a moments peace from the never ending scizophrenic weekly rotation that had become reality for my brother and I. Every week for years we had to go back and forth between our split parents and their new spouses and houses. Never feeling at home in either place never a rest from their arguments. I was the conduit for their mutual hatred all words came through me. All squabbles thrust upon my young mind making me the messenger one who they rushed to kill. Of course I would try to please everyone always re-wording, always excusing the unnacceptable. I lost myself in this struggle and only recently have I begun to think about who or what I might be. Why don't I know what I want out of life? I never had the freedom to think about it. I was told what was acceptable for me and what wasn't. Whom I should favor and why. Guilt became their weapon of choice. I am like an empathic sponge absorbing the emotions of others and wrestling with them. They are not my burden and yet why do I bear it? I must enjoy suffering. Some people see alternate personalities as a disorder but foe me it had become a survival technique. I had to become a new person every week to accomodate the opposing house holds I lived in. So if I ask myself, "just who is Cody?". I would smile at me and say " Cody is whoever he needs to be to survive."