So Whats next on this shit trail?
It seems like atleast twice every week id say, I have an emotional overload in my head, where most of the time It feels like I have jumped off a 100 story building and landed on a pit of spikes. The feelings of dying seem to always have over powered any of thoughts I might have of anything remotely good. Seriously my life is like a roller coaster that is going completely straight down......for years. I cant even tell you the last time I was really happy, atleast a year ago, and even that happiness was quickly fucking destroyed, which then was followed by deaths of loved ones, friends becomming enemies, preganacies, more deaths, heart break to full extents. You know really how can you get excited for life? you can say until hell freezes over that the future is bright, but the fact is, you just dont know that for sure. If my whole life has been a pile of shit, does anyone think that I feel it will change? That whole everything happens for a reason, imo is horse shit, absolutely horse shit. Why does thing have to impact a persons life so much, that they consider ending it? seriously what kind of test is being given here. If nothing ever changes, then are you really becomming a better person? Life will always have that one question surrounding it for me "Why?". If life pushes me to far down in this hole im in, I will never get out, and I will probably end up dying in it. Im looking for something to you know get me out, fuck ive been looking all my life, I dont know what it is, but something that can clear the shity feelings I have inside, take away the build up whatever is inside of me, which I can feel every second, of every day. Whenever I look forward in life, its never what could be good that I look at,its always whats gonna fuck it up even more. Its really just a time bomb, but since I havent gotten remotely happy in a while, I guess that means nothing bad is close. But I guess if something does cheer me up, that bad thing will just pop right out in the open, not like it would surprise me, it would be more like "Ahh Figures". I cant have good dreams anymore, those seem to be all taken away and replaced with nightmares, nightmares of being alone for ever, taken for granted, used, thrown away, never appreciated. Going through life on empty, really takes a toll on you, and I can feel it in me, A car cant drive with no gas, And I cant run on nothing either, being pushed up and down a hill is really not going last your whole life is it? Do you think its really the good option to live your life on pills, hoping that they might clear your mind so you dont end up killing yourself? I've been there and done it, pills, and councelling do not change the fact of whats a head in your life. I can be a great person, wont change the fact that people along the lines wont fuck with you. Its like the same about complements people give you, these mean nothing to me anymore. I hate it when people say good things about me, then end up fucking me over, Yes obviously im so great eh, so why not just fuck me over a bit, thanks for comming out, its well noted. Im so close to that point of no return its not even funny, if nothing good comes out of my life soon, I just dont know how much longer I can hold on. So yahh Its final, nothing will ever happen between me and Danielle. I know your all probably really happy about that one. There was my one real chance with someone, someone who I could talk to for hours about anything, and its all gone just like that. I know im never gonna find that person to fill my life with, because they will never want me to be a part of theirs, its lifes journey of going nowhere really quickly. Like is this another fucking test or something? This is something that could be good for you, but hey its just gonna get all fucked up for you, here yah go, enjoy. I hate it all, absolutely hate it all, all I have ever wanted, the one thing that I ask for any chance I get, is to just be happy. This doesnt have to involve money or fame, just the feeling that you know things are ok, and that you dont have to worry every 2 seconds about everything. You know people can say to me that I dont need relationships in my life, but for me its difference, because thats the aspect which I enjoy the most, and which makes me happy, and why I cant get to that point anymore, I dont even fucking know. Will I ever meet a normal girl? probably not, there will always be some kind of BS cover, something to just push me right back down again. Ugh I cant stand it at all, its finally gotten to a point where every little thing that is mixed up in my days, bothers me, even if its something small and stupid, it will literally fuck me over entirely. Do I even have trust left in me anymore, I have to say no to that one, I literally think its been destroyed, so many things left in me that will never be told or heard, they will die with me, when ever that day comes. But I have to get back to this gay ass fucking accounting, which isnt even working out right in these questions, and its due tommorow, To bad shit doesnt balance eh? Fuck, seriously im not joking you, this course is the most cum filled anal leakage sad excuse for anything, UGH!. Wow I did manage to write alot here, probably couldve put alot more about how I feel, but Im starting to not care about those feelings, and B im tired.