Seasonal livejournaling
So
Once again I return to this place, the holder of all the hopes and fears I've had for the past... 8 years now I've been keeping this thing? Through al lthe pain, all the fear, all my hopes, and all my dreams.
I never thought I'd ever leave this behind me, but I did for a while.
But once again I return.
Once again I am in need of it.
My live has changed little over the past year. I dropped out of college shortly after my last post, mostly due to my own problems. Nobody ever taught me how to live on my own. I know most people will say "Well nobody really knows how to live on their own. Nobody really knows how to make it, but they learn."
Well that's my problem. Everytime I'm faced with that cold, dark, future... I lock up and my fear kicks in.
You'd think the number of times I've failed I'd of figured out a way to succed. However every time I have failed, I have had a place to fall back to. To try and figure out where I am in life, to figure out what went wrong.
And I know, I know exactally what went wrong. However the problem is not so easily overcome by me.
I've figured out that I'm a cripplingly co-dependent person. I need someone's approval, I need someone to tell me if I'm doing things right. If I'm making the right choices.
I've been subservant and an eager learner for most of my life. I've loved my life, and I still do.
There are so many friendships I have let fade over the years. Some due to shame on my part. I know I've done a lot of things to make people angry at me, hell they might even hate me.
And that is entirely my fault.
I've spent a lot of my life trying to figure out what I want to do. Trying to figure out different things that interested me, things that sounded like a rewarding career. However every time I try to start something, I quit very soon into the project. I've never completed anything in my life. Every webcomic, every novel, every short story I've ever started. None of them have found fruition.
To some extent I am a product of my own environment. My most of my life was spent with a Mother who didn't know where her life went wrong. Nobody I ever had in my life up untill I was 14 was a good influence. Well, aside from Mr. Rodgers.
My entire life, I've only seen failure at it's core. Since I never had anyone to teach me how to not fail, I fail.
To alter one's entire way of life, their ingraned habits and teachings, is a wholy monumental task.
I cannot undertake this alone. Nostalgia is the worst feeling in the world to me. When I stop to think of all the failed opportunities, to think of all the friendships gone wrong, to think of all the things that could have gone better. It's enough to make a grown man weep.
However, I think I'm starting to reach the other side. I'm getting better at managing my brain's own fucked up chemistry. I'm beginning to work past my crushing fears, my horrible lack of self-esteem.
I'm thinking of getting some help, professional help.
I have so many things I don't know how to do right, but hopefully the future is still open.
I have a friend, who is going to give me a place to stay, a place away from my comfort zone. Somewhere I can break away from my rut.
So anaway.
This entry came about this morning due to my searching for an artist on Deviantart. I started looking at all my friends on there, everyone I've known over the years. I looked at them, and saw where they were in life, saw them advancing.
I've always had a knack for knowin g what to say to someone, to help them through what they're going through.
I have been that stepladder to the top, and I don't mind helping people. I've come to accept that I am a martyr by nature, I live to sacrifice myself so others may succede. However I've noticed a trend.
When I help someone, and they are able to stand on their own and do their own thing. I get left behind, in that spot I've always been in.
I guess, I just wish someone with my kind of skills would have helped me out. However I seem to be a rare breed, there is noone out there short of a professional that can help me I suppose.
Ah but I revert to my previous statements. I think I'm starting to fade, I need some sleep.
I'll try to keep in touch, the easiest way to reach me is by email if you wish to contact me.
I'll try and keep up with the journal as well, hopefully I won't fall back into my old habits of posting when I need it and then ignoring it when I don't.
Sleep now.
"The Integrity of a man is measured by his ability to fight the war between his concious mind and his subconcious mind. The best way to win is to deny it battle."
-Codi
Once again I return to this place, the holder of all the hopes and fears I've had for the past... 8 years now I've been keeping this thing? Through al lthe pain, all the fear, all my hopes, and all my dreams.
I never thought I'd ever leave this behind me, but I did for a while.
But once again I return.
Once again I am in need of it.
My live has changed little over the past year. I dropped out of college shortly after my last post, mostly due to my own problems. Nobody ever taught me how to live on my own. I know most people will say "Well nobody really knows how to live on their own. Nobody really knows how to make it, but they learn."
Well that's my problem. Everytime I'm faced with that cold, dark, future... I lock up and my fear kicks in.
You'd think the number of times I've failed I'd of figured out a way to succed. However every time I have failed, I have had a place to fall back to. To try and figure out where I am in life, to figure out what went wrong.
And I know, I know exactally what went wrong. However the problem is not so easily overcome by me.
I've figured out that I'm a cripplingly co-dependent person. I need someone's approval, I need someone to tell me if I'm doing things right. If I'm making the right choices.
I've been subservant and an eager learner for most of my life. I've loved my life, and I still do.
There are so many friendships I have let fade over the years. Some due to shame on my part. I know I've done a lot of things to make people angry at me, hell they might even hate me.
And that is entirely my fault.
I've spent a lot of my life trying to figure out what I want to do. Trying to figure out different things that interested me, things that sounded like a rewarding career. However every time I try to start something, I quit very soon into the project. I've never completed anything in my life. Every webcomic, every novel, every short story I've ever started. None of them have found fruition.
To some extent I am a product of my own environment. My most of my life was spent with a Mother who didn't know where her life went wrong. Nobody I ever had in my life up untill I was 14 was a good influence. Well, aside from Mr. Rodgers.
My entire life, I've only seen failure at it's core. Since I never had anyone to teach me how to not fail, I fail.
To alter one's entire way of life, their ingraned habits and teachings, is a wholy monumental task.
I cannot undertake this alone. Nostalgia is the worst feeling in the world to me. When I stop to think of all the failed opportunities, to think of all the friendships gone wrong, to think of all the things that could have gone better. It's enough to make a grown man weep.
However, I think I'm starting to reach the other side. I'm getting better at managing my brain's own fucked up chemistry. I'm beginning to work past my crushing fears, my horrible lack of self-esteem.
I'm thinking of getting some help, professional help.
I have so many things I don't know how to do right, but hopefully the future is still open.
I have a friend, who is going to give me a place to stay, a place away from my comfort zone. Somewhere I can break away from my rut.
So anaway.
This entry came about this morning due to my searching for an artist on Deviantart. I started looking at all my friends on there, everyone I've known over the years. I looked at them, and saw where they were in life, saw them advancing.
I've always had a knack for knowin g what to say to someone, to help them through what they're going through.
I have been that stepladder to the top, and I don't mind helping people. I've come to accept that I am a martyr by nature, I live to sacrifice myself so others may succede. However I've noticed a trend.
When I help someone, and they are able to stand on their own and do their own thing. I get left behind, in that spot I've always been in.
I guess, I just wish someone with my kind of skills would have helped me out. However I seem to be a rare breed, there is noone out there short of a professional that can help me I suppose.
Ah but I revert to my previous statements. I think I'm starting to fade, I need some sleep.
I'll try to keep in touch, the easiest way to reach me is by email if you wish to contact me.
I'll try and keep up with the journal as well, hopefully I won't fall back into my old habits of posting when I need it and then ignoring it when I don't.
Sleep now.
"The Integrity of a man is measured by his ability to fight the war between his concious mind and his subconcious mind. The best way to win is to deny it battle."
-Codi