BEWARE-i NEED TO VENT
Ok......Im taking a deep breath right now, im ready to talk.
I haven't written in my journal in a long time and to tell you the truth i dont know why im writing now. I guess it's because lately i feel like i have nobody to talk to.....nobody to listen to the important events that are going on in my life. Ofcourse i have the best friends in the world and they have always been there for me, but sometimes i feel like my problems are a burden on other people.
Last week i went to the doctor, It was something that i felt i had to do. Ive been stressing about STD's and AIDs since i became sexually active and i decided it was finally time to get tested. I haven't herd anything back yet, but every time the answering machine blinks i get scared. Everytime the phone rings i pray that its not bad news on the other end of the line. I know it sounds silly, but thats how i feel.
My grandfather passed away last week, I wasn't close to him, but my dads a mess. I told all my friends that i had never seen him cry, it really disturbed me, now its become an everyday event. I know that he needs somebody to be there for him, a friend to talk to, but im going through so much right now i seem to be distancing myself from my family. Everday i wake up and the first thing that pops into my mind is leaving. It really hurts realizing that i dont know how to be close to my dad. Weve never really been close. anyways thats another story.....
Ive been really bad lately. Drinking tons, smoking pot, and experimenting with drugs i said I'd never touch again. Im finally starting to realize after my three week bender that it's not the best idea to climb inside of a botttle when things get bad, glass is fragile. It has to break sometime.
so here goes.....my most important anouncement.....
Last night something amazing happened to me. I went to Jacquilan's house to drink a few beers and hang out with her and Amanda. Ive hung out with Amanda a few times before, and she burned me a mix that i must have listened to over a thousand times.....and thats no exageration. I didn't know much about her, but always viewed her as a person i could be very good friends with. Well anyways last night Cracker jack ended up crashing out early, and it was just her and i for the remainder of the night. I didn't expect anything to happen, but as we started talking I became more and more interested in what she had to say. We had some amazing conversations. And then it happened. Im not sure exactly how it happened or why, but we connected. On a level that i haven't felt with anyone for a long time. Now keep in mind the fact that ive had some extreme struggles with my sexuality not to mention the fact that ive had several encounters that made me question it. but all that is besides the point when it comes to this. this just happened. We talked for hours. about 7 to be exact. We layed in bed until almost five in the morning. We were about to fall asleep when i finally got up the courage to put my arm around her. It felt so good. It felt natural, like it was suppose to happen. No its not what you think....nothing to serious happened. we just ended up cuddling all night, we kissed, and fell asleep. so confusing, it made me realize that the idea i have of who i am, is so totally twisted I dont know which way is up. I have alot, and i mean alot on my mind tonight. Im spending alone time in my room.....listening to music, and trying to decide whether i should ask Amanda to hang out sometime soon.
I think that everything happens for a reason, but im not going to let this be another learning experience, where i get hurt and thats the lesson. There's been to many of those, im not sure i want to see where this is going to lead, but my heart tells me i should so ill probably end up calling her. anyways those are my thoughts for tonight. Im tired....time for sleep
good night
I wrote this really fast so please excuse my spelling/grammar
I haven't written in my journal in a long time and to tell you the truth i dont know why im writing now. I guess it's because lately i feel like i have nobody to talk to.....nobody to listen to the important events that are going on in my life. Ofcourse i have the best friends in the world and they have always been there for me, but sometimes i feel like my problems are a burden on other people.
Last week i went to the doctor, It was something that i felt i had to do. Ive been stressing about STD's and AIDs since i became sexually active and i decided it was finally time to get tested. I haven't herd anything back yet, but every time the answering machine blinks i get scared. Everytime the phone rings i pray that its not bad news on the other end of the line. I know it sounds silly, but thats how i feel.
My grandfather passed away last week, I wasn't close to him, but my dads a mess. I told all my friends that i had never seen him cry, it really disturbed me, now its become an everyday event. I know that he needs somebody to be there for him, a friend to talk to, but im going through so much right now i seem to be distancing myself from my family. Everday i wake up and the first thing that pops into my mind is leaving. It really hurts realizing that i dont know how to be close to my dad. Weve never really been close. anyways thats another story.....
Ive been really bad lately. Drinking tons, smoking pot, and experimenting with drugs i said I'd never touch again. Im finally starting to realize after my three week bender that it's not the best idea to climb inside of a botttle when things get bad, glass is fragile. It has to break sometime.
so here goes.....my most important anouncement.....
Last night something amazing happened to me. I went to Jacquilan's house to drink a few beers and hang out with her and Amanda. Ive hung out with Amanda a few times before, and she burned me a mix that i must have listened to over a thousand times.....and thats no exageration. I didn't know much about her, but always viewed her as a person i could be very good friends with. Well anyways last night Cracker jack ended up crashing out early, and it was just her and i for the remainder of the night. I didn't expect anything to happen, but as we started talking I became more and more interested in what she had to say. We had some amazing conversations. And then it happened. Im not sure exactly how it happened or why, but we connected. On a level that i haven't felt with anyone for a long time. Now keep in mind the fact that ive had some extreme struggles with my sexuality not to mention the fact that ive had several encounters that made me question it. but all that is besides the point when it comes to this. this just happened. We talked for hours. about 7 to be exact. We layed in bed until almost five in the morning. We were about to fall asleep when i finally got up the courage to put my arm around her. It felt so good. It felt natural, like it was suppose to happen. No its not what you think....nothing to serious happened. we just ended up cuddling all night, we kissed, and fell asleep. so confusing, it made me realize that the idea i have of who i am, is so totally twisted I dont know which way is up. I have alot, and i mean alot on my mind tonight. Im spending alone time in my room.....listening to music, and trying to decide whether i should ask Amanda to hang out sometime soon.
I think that everything happens for a reason, but im not going to let this be another learning experience, where i get hurt and thats the lesson. There's been to many of those, im not sure i want to see where this is going to lead, but my heart tells me i should so ill probably end up calling her. anyways those are my thoughts for tonight. Im tired....time for sleep
good night
I wrote this really fast so please excuse my spelling/grammar