The last 3 months of struggle
This is basically what's happened in the last 3 months.
I was very deeply in love with my girlfriend when it all ended for what I think the dumbest of reasons. I tried to kill myself that day. I came back home a week later, and my ex decided I was stalking her and was dangerous to be around. She decided this because I popped by without notice, as I was planning on dumping all my Valentine's stuff she gave me at her doorstep. But she ended up being there. So I basically pleaded that we get back together, and she wanted me to leave. But I didn't leave immediately, and I talked outside through her doorway until she closed the door on me. I asked her if I could stay outside and smoke and she said I could do whatever I wanted. So I did, hoping she'd come back out because I'd made things worse between us.
The next day she said I was stalking her and was dangerous to her. This didn't really make me feel any better. I decided me reading her livejournal was making me more depressed, and though I kept reading it, I tried to not read it as much by taking her off my friends list. She removed me as well, posting she was relieved I was "deleting her out of my life". This hurt me gravely, so I posted a comment in her livejournal trying to explain why I had done this. I called and left her a message, but she just ignored me. I went to a Cepheid meeting she normally went to so I could try to talk to her and explain things. She wasn't there, so I talked to one of our good mutual friends Travis. I cried for like 15 minutes in the men's restroom and I told him everything going on between me and her and my roomate. He told me that things would get better and that for now Linda just needed to do her own thing. I went home and felt like shit.
I did my best to leave her alone, and with lots of little side blows which would take to long to explain here, I didn't see her until about a month later when one of our mutual friends got married. I got drunk at the reception and got really depressed. I tried avoiding her, but also wanted to talk to her. She came outside and talked to me though. I started crying for a baby for like an hour, just uncontrollable crying. I started burning myself with a cigarette, and started following her around everywhere. She started dancing with guys, but she said she didn't want to dance with me because I was acting "weird". I gave up trying to convince her after a while, stormed out of the reception building, walked home 3 miles.
No one had called me even though a friend there had given me a ride up there. Incidentally, he had been doing drugs with my ex which had also made me feel very suicidal. He was my roomate at the time.
When no one had called to show they cared, I decided to kill myself. I took 64 sleeping pills, but ended up waking up. I became afraid because I thought I was starting to die. I felt really ill and could barely pick up the phone. After calling my sister I decided to call my ex. I wanted her to take me to the ER, because I didn't want to make a scene with all the ambulances and their sirens. She said she was too drunk to help, and went back to sleep after I talked to her. So I called 911 by myself and went to the ER. I then spent a few days in a mental ward. I've felt a lot of guilt for what I put my family through. I've never seen my parents reduced to such worrying and sadness. I saw both my mom and dad cry uncontrollably like babies over me. It only made me feel worse.
There they told me she was manipulating me. When I got out I called her and told her what I was going through and I felt like she had hurt me gravely. She didn't really seem to care, and the only thing I could remember her telling me was that I was losing it and should withdraw from the university.
In anger I posted a hateful post about her exposing a lot of her secrets and twisting them somewhat in angry bias. This only created a greater rift between me and her, and I got a lot of angry emails for the next few days, telling me to grow up and whatnot. People also were accusing me of emotional blackmail.
In the meantime I was kicked out of Cepheid for my actions at the wedding reception. I felt backstabbed there too as well, and felt very ostracized.
I saw her a few weeks later at a bar and her friends held me back from talking to her because they said she was petrified of me.
A few weeks later I called her place because I had found some old Christmas stuff of hers I thought she might want. She picked up the phone after I started leaving a message, and we had a good friendly talk. Her sudden change in attitude bewildered me. She asked me out to dinner, so we had Chinese. She made light of everything that happened, and never apologized to me. I can somewhat understand her reaction, but I know I never wanted to hurt her. She joked around about answering her cell phone when it rang and freaking her friends out by asking them how to get blood out of clothes. I didn't really think this was funny.
I was really confused. She said we could be friends, but I wasn't really supposed to call her often unless something bad had happened. She said she wouldn't add me back to her friends list on livejournal because she had some things on there she didn't want me to know about. I was really wondering why she was suddenly being nice to me, so I remembered I had her lj password. I couldn't take it eating away at me anymore, so I read her livejournal and she said she was basically being nice to me for my own well-being and so I wouldn't post more stuff about her in my livejournal. She said she planned on keeping me at arms distance until she graduated and moved back to Houston.
I drove over to her house out of impulse as I was out about to pick up a friend. I confronted her about her dishonesty, and I said I really just wanted to be her friend. I said I wanted to hang out with her sometimes in Houston, and that I didn't want to just never be able to see her again. She said we could, but I really distrusted her, and felt like she was placating me. But she also told me her friends didn't want her to hang out with me after all I put her through.
I had to leave to pick up my friend. I called her later because I realized I had fucked things up even more and didn't know what to do. Her ex boyfriend called me up and told me to stop popping up without notice or they'd call the cops. I almost committed suicide that night. I bought 150 sleeping pills and almost took them, but a friend's words over IM saved me.
Since then I vowed never to talk to her again. I still think of her a lot, and I struggle with suicide every single day. I loved her so much I can't get her out of my mind. She's the closest thing I've ever found to the perfect woman for me. We had such a good thing going. I think eventually I would want to have married her.
But since my second suicide attempt my roomate avoided me and moved out, never paying me for 2 months rent. I through a fit over livejournal because my roomate was avoiding me and hadn't paid me rent and I was getting impatient. This only led to more conflict and having random people that don't even know me like Anne Jermain commenting in my livejournal and telling me what an asshole I was.
I've lost a lot of friends for my actions. Lately I've been feeling like an immature child and have really been questioning what's wrong with me. I feel like I've caused all of these problems myself. But every now and then I realize that it was her actions as well that made me act the way I did.
I'm trying to recover but every day seems to be a downhill struggle. I've been thinking of suicide a lot, and daily. I'm smoking a lot of weed when I'm awake so I won't be fully conscious. I'm failing pretty much my classes or doing very poorly in them. I'm really questioning my safety and am fearing I might try suicide again, but I don't really want to go back to the ward. I'm trying to get beyond my past and move on, but everyday haunting memories are in my mind the entire day. I'm constantly alternating between wanting to die and wanting to live, and it seems like few people even really care. I really am not sure if I'm ever going to get over this.
I've said bad things about friends before and we got over it and are good friends again. I can't understand. I just feel that maybe with a little strength and forgiveness, we could still be good friends. But sometimes there's too much shit in our past I guess to make that possible. I'm still wondering how things could've gone from heaven to hell so fast. I would've thought love would bring better things-committment, caring, support. My support fell out the window after I became a stalker in her mind, an emotionally unstable individual, someone dangerous, a suicide freak.
I just want to say one final I'm sorry to Linda. You won't have to deal with me anymore. I'm going to continue leaving you alone. I'm just not sure what I'm going to do to myself.
My good friend Leslie gave me a good explanation of my character. I take things too seriously. It's like I'm sucking in everything around me without ever breathing any of it back out. That's how I'm stuck in the past.
Love is the most powerful emotion I've ever felt.
I was very deeply in love with my girlfriend when it all ended for what I think the dumbest of reasons. I tried to kill myself that day. I came back home a week later, and my ex decided I was stalking her and was dangerous to be around. She decided this because I popped by without notice, as I was planning on dumping all my Valentine's stuff she gave me at her doorstep. But she ended up being there. So I basically pleaded that we get back together, and she wanted me to leave. But I didn't leave immediately, and I talked outside through her doorway until she closed the door on me. I asked her if I could stay outside and smoke and she said I could do whatever I wanted. So I did, hoping she'd come back out because I'd made things worse between us.
The next day she said I was stalking her and was dangerous to her. This didn't really make me feel any better. I decided me reading her livejournal was making me more depressed, and though I kept reading it, I tried to not read it as much by taking her off my friends list. She removed me as well, posting she was relieved I was "deleting her out of my life". This hurt me gravely, so I posted a comment in her livejournal trying to explain why I had done this. I called and left her a message, but she just ignored me. I went to a Cepheid meeting she normally went to so I could try to talk to her and explain things. She wasn't there, so I talked to one of our good mutual friends Travis. I cried for like 15 minutes in the men's restroom and I told him everything going on between me and her and my roomate. He told me that things would get better and that for now Linda just needed to do her own thing. I went home and felt like shit.
I did my best to leave her alone, and with lots of little side blows which would take to long to explain here, I didn't see her until about a month later when one of our mutual friends got married. I got drunk at the reception and got really depressed. I tried avoiding her, but also wanted to talk to her. She came outside and talked to me though. I started crying for a baby for like an hour, just uncontrollable crying. I started burning myself with a cigarette, and started following her around everywhere. She started dancing with guys, but she said she didn't want to dance with me because I was acting "weird". I gave up trying to convince her after a while, stormed out of the reception building, walked home 3 miles.
No one had called me even though a friend there had given me a ride up there. Incidentally, he had been doing drugs with my ex which had also made me feel very suicidal. He was my roomate at the time.
When no one had called to show they cared, I decided to kill myself. I took 64 sleeping pills, but ended up waking up. I became afraid because I thought I was starting to die. I felt really ill and could barely pick up the phone. After calling my sister I decided to call my ex. I wanted her to take me to the ER, because I didn't want to make a scene with all the ambulances and their sirens. She said she was too drunk to help, and went back to sleep after I talked to her. So I called 911 by myself and went to the ER. I then spent a few days in a mental ward. I've felt a lot of guilt for what I put my family through. I've never seen my parents reduced to such worrying and sadness. I saw both my mom and dad cry uncontrollably like babies over me. It only made me feel worse.
There they told me she was manipulating me. When I got out I called her and told her what I was going through and I felt like she had hurt me gravely. She didn't really seem to care, and the only thing I could remember her telling me was that I was losing it and should withdraw from the university.
In anger I posted a hateful post about her exposing a lot of her secrets and twisting them somewhat in angry bias. This only created a greater rift between me and her, and I got a lot of angry emails for the next few days, telling me to grow up and whatnot. People also were accusing me of emotional blackmail.
In the meantime I was kicked out of Cepheid for my actions at the wedding reception. I felt backstabbed there too as well, and felt very ostracized.
I saw her a few weeks later at a bar and her friends held me back from talking to her because they said she was petrified of me.
A few weeks later I called her place because I had found some old Christmas stuff of hers I thought she might want. She picked up the phone after I started leaving a message, and we had a good friendly talk. Her sudden change in attitude bewildered me. She asked me out to dinner, so we had Chinese. She made light of everything that happened, and never apologized to me. I can somewhat understand her reaction, but I know I never wanted to hurt her. She joked around about answering her cell phone when it rang and freaking her friends out by asking them how to get blood out of clothes. I didn't really think this was funny.
I was really confused. She said we could be friends, but I wasn't really supposed to call her often unless something bad had happened. She said she wouldn't add me back to her friends list on livejournal because she had some things on there she didn't want me to know about. I was really wondering why she was suddenly being nice to me, so I remembered I had her lj password. I couldn't take it eating away at me anymore, so I read her livejournal and she said she was basically being nice to me for my own well-being and so I wouldn't post more stuff about her in my livejournal. She said she planned on keeping me at arms distance until she graduated and moved back to Houston.
I drove over to her house out of impulse as I was out about to pick up a friend. I confronted her about her dishonesty, and I said I really just wanted to be her friend. I said I wanted to hang out with her sometimes in Houston, and that I didn't want to just never be able to see her again. She said we could, but I really distrusted her, and felt like she was placating me. But she also told me her friends didn't want her to hang out with me after all I put her through.
I had to leave to pick up my friend. I called her later because I realized I had fucked things up even more and didn't know what to do. Her ex boyfriend called me up and told me to stop popping up without notice or they'd call the cops. I almost committed suicide that night. I bought 150 sleeping pills and almost took them, but a friend's words over IM saved me.
Since then I vowed never to talk to her again. I still think of her a lot, and I struggle with suicide every single day. I loved her so much I can't get her out of my mind. She's the closest thing I've ever found to the perfect woman for me. We had such a good thing going. I think eventually I would want to have married her.
But since my second suicide attempt my roomate avoided me and moved out, never paying me for 2 months rent. I through a fit over livejournal because my roomate was avoiding me and hadn't paid me rent and I was getting impatient. This only led to more conflict and having random people that don't even know me like Anne Jermain commenting in my livejournal and telling me what an asshole I was.
I've lost a lot of friends for my actions. Lately I've been feeling like an immature child and have really been questioning what's wrong with me. I feel like I've caused all of these problems myself. But every now and then I realize that it was her actions as well that made me act the way I did.
I'm trying to recover but every day seems to be a downhill struggle. I've been thinking of suicide a lot, and daily. I'm smoking a lot of weed when I'm awake so I won't be fully conscious. I'm failing pretty much my classes or doing very poorly in them. I'm really questioning my safety and am fearing I might try suicide again, but I don't really want to go back to the ward. I'm trying to get beyond my past and move on, but everyday haunting memories are in my mind the entire day. I'm constantly alternating between wanting to die and wanting to live, and it seems like few people even really care. I really am not sure if I'm ever going to get over this.
I've said bad things about friends before and we got over it and are good friends again. I can't understand. I just feel that maybe with a little strength and forgiveness, we could still be good friends. But sometimes there's too much shit in our past I guess to make that possible. I'm still wondering how things could've gone from heaven to hell so fast. I would've thought love would bring better things-committment, caring, support. My support fell out the window after I became a stalker in her mind, an emotionally unstable individual, someone dangerous, a suicide freak.
I just want to say one final I'm sorry to Linda. You won't have to deal with me anymore. I'm going to continue leaving you alone. I'm just not sure what I'm going to do to myself.
My good friend Leslie gave me a good explanation of my character. I take things too seriously. It's like I'm sucking in everything around me without ever breathing any of it back out. That's how I'm stuck in the past.
Love is the most powerful emotion I've ever felt.