it makes me sick
why do i do this? put myself in situations i know will not end well. fall for the wrong person and scare them away all without actually ever having them.
i shouldn't have done it, i know i can't be that girl. it makes me sick to think i could. it makes me sick to think i am just fucking about waiting for the right one... if there is one.
I'm almost convinced there isn't. I'm too much to deal with. Bipolar almost. One minute its all good, we can joke and play and be light hearted, and the next? The next i turn into a crazy girl screaming your name for hours wondering why you love her and not me. I sure as hell don't love you so why do i care?! Because i feel guilty, like i have taken something precious of hers without asking used it and returned it all without being caught.
i just want you to hold me and talk to me and be there. I just want the stupid simple things without the effort or drama. i want the things i cannot have without putting forth some kind of effort. but right now effort is just too much. time is something i cannot spare and there is no love in my heart to give. just pain and confusion. just that empty feeling i try to fill up with small pieces of what i think the whole looks like. I seem to keep getting the wrong piece, or multiple copies of the same one...
I don't know how to do this. i don't really know how to be happy alone anymore. i don't know how to just be a friend and not something more. i don't know how to stop your jerrs from influencing my thoughts. i don't know a lot...
i know i miss the feeling of arms around me when i am cold. I know i miss being able to sit around in dingy pjs and watch a movie and not worry about you looking at me like i'm disgusting. i know i miss not seeing every other girl you have loved or been with and wanting to die because i am nothing like them. They are so much more beautiful and perfect. and me? i'm not. I know i miss being able to sit in silence with you and be comfortable. i miss having those all night conversations about where our lives will take us. i miss thinking it would be italy, next to the water. I miss knowing my kids names and what they would be like. i miss thinking i want kids.
so much has changed in my life and i don't really know how to deal with it or who to turn to or anything. i know i feel empty right now and i need something to fill up that space or i will sink back to the dark place and feel emptier and emptier. The hollow fake smile will return and i won't be me. I don't want that, i want you.
Where are you and why can't i find you?
i shouldn't have done it, i know i can't be that girl. it makes me sick to think i could. it makes me sick to think i am just fucking about waiting for the right one... if there is one.
I'm almost convinced there isn't. I'm too much to deal with. Bipolar almost. One minute its all good, we can joke and play and be light hearted, and the next? The next i turn into a crazy girl screaming your name for hours wondering why you love her and not me. I sure as hell don't love you so why do i care?! Because i feel guilty, like i have taken something precious of hers without asking used it and returned it all without being caught.
i just want you to hold me and talk to me and be there. I just want the stupid simple things without the effort or drama. i want the things i cannot have without putting forth some kind of effort. but right now effort is just too much. time is something i cannot spare and there is no love in my heart to give. just pain and confusion. just that empty feeling i try to fill up with small pieces of what i think the whole looks like. I seem to keep getting the wrong piece, or multiple copies of the same one...
I don't know how to do this. i don't really know how to be happy alone anymore. i don't know how to just be a friend and not something more. i don't know how to stop your jerrs from influencing my thoughts. i don't know a lot...
i know i miss the feeling of arms around me when i am cold. I know i miss being able to sit around in dingy pjs and watch a movie and not worry about you looking at me like i'm disgusting. i know i miss not seeing every other girl you have loved or been with and wanting to die because i am nothing like them. They are so much more beautiful and perfect. and me? i'm not. I know i miss being able to sit in silence with you and be comfortable. i miss having those all night conversations about where our lives will take us. i miss thinking it would be italy, next to the water. I miss knowing my kids names and what they would be like. i miss thinking i want kids.
so much has changed in my life and i don't really know how to deal with it or who to turn to or anything. i know i feel empty right now and i need something to fill up that space or i will sink back to the dark place and feel emptier and emptier. The hollow fake smile will return and i won't be me. I don't want that, i want you.
Where are you and why can't i find you?