"everyone fails you at some point..."
I sit here and wonder what i did to make my life so singular. so alone. so harmed.
i know that a lot of people have contributed to this; old boyfriends, bad friends, my abandonment, my abusive mother, my incognito father, my siblings that join together but still all spell "half"
it feels like im destined to being only.
only child, with multitudes of half siblings.
only girl who is unsure constantly if everything is going right or success is coming or staying on the other side of the line.
etc.
the definition for only is....
without others or anything further; alone; solely; exclusively
no more than; merely; just
being the single one or the relatively few of the kind
unfortunately; very:
Synonyms 5. solitary, lone. 7. peerless; exclusive.
The definition stating that only means " few of a kind" makes you feel a little bit better for a second... it makes you feel special, like theres no one else in the world thats the exact same as you. but then you delve deeper. and as you delve, you realize that you are more alone then you'll ever be.
i have one true friend, and that is katelyn. i love her with all my heart and soul, shes so smart and i admire her.
shes the only person who doesn't make me feel like an only.
looking at everyone else in the world though makes you feel alone again though.
i still haven't found my other
i thought that i did for a year and a few months i thought that i was whole.
but as i look back i see that there was a part of me the whole time that was doubting the boy i was with.
i doubted his honesty towards me, and i doubted especially the fact that he loved me.
to think that some one could love me is hard for me to understand, but of course, i contradict myself, because, i want to love and be loved.
when i think of how the other may see me, hope ( in the back of their and my mind) that they see me as the most beautiful thing they've laid eyes on.
but of course the other part of my brain that encloses that shining hope, is shadowed but the doubt that they wont. that they like me, and think i'm pretty, funny, maybe smart, a little weird, hey, maybe even different.
but no matter how much anyone has told me that i am beautiful or smart or worth while, most of me says " chya, right"
apart of me, very small part, lingers with the thought of "maybe.... no you are" and begs me to convince the rest of my brain.
i never do though.
last night after a trip to the city with friends, i spent time with a boy.
he tickled me and made me laugh till i cried, made me jump and laid with me, lulling me with the strokes of his fingers on my jaw line, to sleep.
then after a throw of desire,lust, and flinging myself into hope that he is falling for me the same way i am for him
he punches me right through my torso and chest. like a cannon ball, i felt everything, every organ and intestine, and vessel, vital to my survival in life, i felt it all move, trying to dodge the cannon ball. of course since tissue and vines held them in place, i felt them burst into my back, push trough my spine and go out of me, i felt my intestines ( all almost 20 ft of them) and my reproductive center sink low into my pelvis, and push through like a force into my thighs, making my calves and feet twinge.
my throat choked, as my heart and trechea and lungs tried to escape my shattering rib cage through my mouth.
i wanted him to be with me.
i wanted him to fall in love with me.
he told me he never could love anyone at this point in his life though. because "everyone will fail you at some point and i think being scared of people is foolish, and i never want to let all of a person see all of me, i never want to feel vulnerable."
he told me that school would take him 10 years. and he couldn't be 10 hours away for 10 years and go by seeing me sparingly and maybe developing suspicions about what im doing here.
he said he really did like me though.
he said i was the kindest person he's ever known and that if he wasn't going away he'd be with me.
the thing that hurt the most was that he told me he felt the most comfortable in his life, when he was around me.
and he told me everything was going to be ok. that line. " every things going to be ok" means more to me then anything anyone could say. thats all i wanted to hear. thats what made him even more desirable and perfect to me.
so im faced with the decision of dating him for the month, and trying not to let myself go any deeper then i have....
or stopping it all
im not afraid. i just wish i could be with him and it would work
its like having a piece of kobe beef and dangling it in a dogs face, and then taking it away.
something so perfect, everything that ive ever wanted, taken away.
and i cant know why this has been placed for me.
all i want, is for someone to come and make me believe and SEE that they are washing the built up dirt off my hands, and then telling me that there was none to begin with. that i'm fine, and i did nothing wrong, im perfect, im human and im saine.
thats all i want.
i know that a lot of people have contributed to this; old boyfriends, bad friends, my abandonment, my abusive mother, my incognito father, my siblings that join together but still all spell "half"
it feels like im destined to being only.
only child, with multitudes of half siblings.
only girl who is unsure constantly if everything is going right or success is coming or staying on the other side of the line.
etc.
the definition for only is....
without others or anything further; alone; solely; exclusively
no more than; merely; just
being the single one or the relatively few of the kind
unfortunately; very:
Synonyms 5. solitary, lone. 7. peerless; exclusive.
The definition stating that only means " few of a kind" makes you feel a little bit better for a second... it makes you feel special, like theres no one else in the world thats the exact same as you. but then you delve deeper. and as you delve, you realize that you are more alone then you'll ever be.
i have one true friend, and that is katelyn. i love her with all my heart and soul, shes so smart and i admire her.
shes the only person who doesn't make me feel like an only.
looking at everyone else in the world though makes you feel alone again though.
i still haven't found my other
i thought that i did for a year and a few months i thought that i was whole.
but as i look back i see that there was a part of me the whole time that was doubting the boy i was with.
i doubted his honesty towards me, and i doubted especially the fact that he loved me.
to think that some one could love me is hard for me to understand, but of course, i contradict myself, because, i want to love and be loved.
when i think of how the other may see me, hope ( in the back of their and my mind) that they see me as the most beautiful thing they've laid eyes on.
but of course the other part of my brain that encloses that shining hope, is shadowed but the doubt that they wont. that they like me, and think i'm pretty, funny, maybe smart, a little weird, hey, maybe even different.
but no matter how much anyone has told me that i am beautiful or smart or worth while, most of me says " chya, right"
apart of me, very small part, lingers with the thought of "maybe.... no you are" and begs me to convince the rest of my brain.
i never do though.
last night after a trip to the city with friends, i spent time with a boy.
he tickled me and made me laugh till i cried, made me jump and laid with me, lulling me with the strokes of his fingers on my jaw line, to sleep.
then after a throw of desire,lust, and flinging myself into hope that he is falling for me the same way i am for him
he punches me right through my torso and chest. like a cannon ball, i felt everything, every organ and intestine, and vessel, vital to my survival in life, i felt it all move, trying to dodge the cannon ball. of course since tissue and vines held them in place, i felt them burst into my back, push trough my spine and go out of me, i felt my intestines ( all almost 20 ft of them) and my reproductive center sink low into my pelvis, and push through like a force into my thighs, making my calves and feet twinge.
my throat choked, as my heart and trechea and lungs tried to escape my shattering rib cage through my mouth.
i wanted him to be with me.
i wanted him to fall in love with me.
he told me he never could love anyone at this point in his life though. because "everyone will fail you at some point and i think being scared of people is foolish, and i never want to let all of a person see all of me, i never want to feel vulnerable."
he told me that school would take him 10 years. and he couldn't be 10 hours away for 10 years and go by seeing me sparingly and maybe developing suspicions about what im doing here.
he said he really did like me though.
he said i was the kindest person he's ever known and that if he wasn't going away he'd be with me.
the thing that hurt the most was that he told me he felt the most comfortable in his life, when he was around me.
and he told me everything was going to be ok. that line. " every things going to be ok" means more to me then anything anyone could say. thats all i wanted to hear. thats what made him even more desirable and perfect to me.
so im faced with the decision of dating him for the month, and trying not to let myself go any deeper then i have....
or stopping it all
im not afraid. i just wish i could be with him and it would work
its like having a piece of kobe beef and dangling it in a dogs face, and then taking it away.
something so perfect, everything that ive ever wanted, taken away.
and i cant know why this has been placed for me.
all i want, is for someone to come and make me believe and SEE that they are washing the built up dirt off my hands, and then telling me that there was none to begin with. that i'm fine, and i did nothing wrong, im perfect, im human and im saine.
thats all i want.