scars.
i am reposting a journal entry i made in september, spurred on by a certain ex of my current love...
[9/25/2002 9:28:29 am]
today is a good day. so far at least. i think that i look good, and that always makes a person feel great. i don't feel fluffy. my hair looks good. woo hoo!
on another note, on my way to work today, i thought about scars. emotional scars. everyone's got them. scars have been inflicted on people i care about, scars that go deep enough to also affect me. i am angry with people who do this. how dare they hurt wonderful people that i love? i have seen friends not able to trust me, to know that i am there for them, because they've had friends dump them in times of need. i've had boyfriends, not able to give all of themselves emotionally, because of past wounds inflicted. some of the scars i've received have been a result of this. it angers me terribly that walls are put up between people because of the hurtful people in their past.
as i rode the train, i thought about my own scars. although i may have a reputation as a 'heartbreaker', my heart has been broken many more times than i can count. i realized that i am still touchy about any comments about my weight. all from a certain french man who suggested i lose 5 pounds. 5 pounds. this was ages ago. and yet it haunts me. i'm also amazed when someone wants to hold my hand, especially in public. this is from broggie, who loves me still to this day, yet could never be attatched to me in front of others. he needed his 'space'. it hurts my heart now, just thinking of it. so now i feel like 'what? you want to hold my hand? you want to kiss me in public? how did i get so lucky?' also, i don't like it when someone says my tattoos are 'okay'. this is also from broggie. now why should i give a damn about what other people think about art that i want to put on my body? yet any negative remarks about them, and i get defensive! grrr.
i don't want to dwell on things like this that get me upset. but i feel like looking them over helps me realize how to make the scars fade. and i want to help others with their wounds. i've been told that i'm good at taking care of people. i need to do that. i want to be good at something. i want to help my loved ones be happy. to be able to love. to trust. to take chances. to live life to the fullest.
so make someone happy today. i will try my darndest.
[9/25/2002 9:28:29 am]
today is a good day. so far at least. i think that i look good, and that always makes a person feel great. i don't feel fluffy. my hair looks good. woo hoo!
on another note, on my way to work today, i thought about scars. emotional scars. everyone's got them. scars have been inflicted on people i care about, scars that go deep enough to also affect me. i am angry with people who do this. how dare they hurt wonderful people that i love? i have seen friends not able to trust me, to know that i am there for them, because they've had friends dump them in times of need. i've had boyfriends, not able to give all of themselves emotionally, because of past wounds inflicted. some of the scars i've received have been a result of this. it angers me terribly that walls are put up between people because of the hurtful people in their past.
as i rode the train, i thought about my own scars. although i may have a reputation as a 'heartbreaker', my heart has been broken many more times than i can count. i realized that i am still touchy about any comments about my weight. all from a certain french man who suggested i lose 5 pounds. 5 pounds. this was ages ago. and yet it haunts me. i'm also amazed when someone wants to hold my hand, especially in public. this is from broggie, who loves me still to this day, yet could never be attatched to me in front of others. he needed his 'space'. it hurts my heart now, just thinking of it. so now i feel like 'what? you want to hold my hand? you want to kiss me in public? how did i get so lucky?' also, i don't like it when someone says my tattoos are 'okay'. this is also from broggie. now why should i give a damn about what other people think about art that i want to put on my body? yet any negative remarks about them, and i get defensive! grrr.
i don't want to dwell on things like this that get me upset. but i feel like looking them over helps me realize how to make the scars fade. and i want to help others with their wounds. i've been told that i'm good at taking care of people. i need to do that. i want to be good at something. i want to help my loved ones be happy. to be able to love. to trust. to take chances. to live life to the fullest.
so make someone happy today. i will try my darndest.