(no subject)
i'm going to have to do several entries today. a couple of them will be for my own viewing pleasure since the stories are crazy. i'm feeling drained. i've been going hard for about 3 months now. december thru the end of january was spent going to the gym almost everyday and trying to make sense of how to make a dance career in los angeles happen running around trying to get pictures, looking up classes, doing random work to just get used to performing, rehearsing. patrick and lee's coming out to nyc for the weekend really helped with getting me to feel a little more motivated and then february, i was pretty much in bdc or at whatver random dance workshop the entire time or prepping for some serious auditions. clear was draining. tte wasn't serious. blake's class was helpful, gil's class was cool.
so it's three months later and nothing is wrong. in fact, things are looking good. 2xs is on the come up. things have improved so much with the group. our talent is growing and so is the confidence. cool thing is now a lot more of us are hungry for this so it's bringing an amazing energy to the group. however, there is something funky is smell when i'm at rehearsals. i'm smelling subtle hate and its gross. like i don't understand why everyone wouldn't be happy about the group's progressing.
love is love is love... that needs help, though i wonder if help would be doing me a disservice. i want to be happy with it 100 percent of the time and right now, i'm at about 60 percent. i feel like i try and from his end, i don't know what to expect. sometimes its amazing and other times he puts me in a place i made promises to myself to never go back to when i thought i was recovering from depression. i don't understand him and i'm starting to not want to understand. i'm lying, i obsess because i want to understand and i get frustrated that i don't and then drained because its just too much to take in (or rather not take in) and sometimes just too much to stomach. a couple of weeks ago, i went numb in a way that kind of scared me after we spent some time. i finally came out of it last week after taking a two day break from 'outside life' to just enjoy some me time in my apt. but i don't know what this love thing is doing to me. if i were a little more self centered maybe i would stop caring. i've always loved that i can feel a connect to a person through their energy that i can feed off of it and relate to that same person as a result in a way thats more intimate than anything tangible, but i'm hating myself right now for this quality. i'm soaking up everything like a sponge. the good the bad the crazy the unstable the passion the sadness the anger the deviant. i never pretend to be super woman. i know i am not strong enough for all of this shit. hence my feeling so bla lately, though i have a ton of things to be happy about.
god listens to me. (s)he may not be able to answer everything quickly, but in due time i feel his/her energy and i feel the love and i know (s)he is guiding me to what will allow me to build and to learn. even in the midst of love's chaos, there's a sense of bliss i feel knowing that there is a reason i'm going through this right now. i can't act like i don't enjoy it and him. well, not the pain, but the knowing that there is a make up in store.
what a way to live... i'm finding myself quite disturbing right now.
now off to my journal entries that only i will ever get to read
;-)