Meme no. 2 (Of Limited Interest to Serious People)
This is a meme about a Japanese boy band named Arashi, and I expect only two or three of you will even know what I'm talking about, much less care. But just in case you are trying to follow along, I suppose a primer is in order.
For context's sake, let me explain that apparently creating new boy bands is as essential a part of Japan's domestic economy as creating new fast-food chicken sandwiches is to our own. (An aside: One of my colleagues used to work on the Wendy's Hamburgers account, and he reports that a significant portion of their advertising creative process is deciding whether the emphasis of the campaign should be on the sauce or the cheese topping each new sandwich. Another aside: I would love that job.) At the present time, the most popular of these boy bands would be Arashi.
I of course heard of them because of my beloved font, who somehow was inextricably drawn to them after extended flirtations with KAT-TUN and, before that, *NSYNC. Arashi is noteworthy because I do actually enjoy their music in limited doses. (I will never forget the evening that font, who is a clear-eyed realist in these matters, called me to announce that, after weeks of listening, she had finally found a single *NSYNC song that was quantifiably good.) Also because they are adorable and dance on rainbows.
For reference:
Jun: Possesses the worst singing voice of the five but is an amazingly interesting actor. Dresses impeccably. Seems to be rather persnickety, also pretty gay. He is--well, he is the Gay One.
Aiba: Slim-hipped and slithery, a distinctively nasal but not terrible voice. Sweet, considerate, loves adorable baby animals. He is the Adorable One.
Ohno: The best singer, the best dancer, and thus far a ridiculously compelling actor, though I suspect that he works from a more limited emotional range than Jun. Also not so secretly weird, like if he weren't in a boy band, he'd be Japan's answer to David Lynch. He is the Quiet One.
Nino: He was in Letters from Iwo Jima (he played the endearingly whiny soldier). A good actor, a good singer, a good musician. He is the prickliest member of Arashi, also reportedly cheap, also cannot tear himself away from videogames. He is my favorite, though so boyish-looking that I tend to fantasize about buying him new sneakers or taking him to the carnival. He is the Mean One.
Sho: The rapper! (Every Japanese boy band has a rapper.) He also works part-time as a newscaster on Japanese television, has a degree in economics from a good university (which he earned while working full-time as a boy band member) and is smart and personable and reads the newspaper. He is the Smart One.
And now, an Arashi quiz of the sort that would interest a 13-year old girl.
1. Who would you get caught in bed with?
I feel that a major part of fannish friendship is that you cannot like the same one as your close friend does, which is why in sixth grade I decided that John Lennon was my favorite Beatle when my friend Patty Ann got eyes for Paul McCartney. For a long time, font liked Sho, the Smart One, best. And then she fell in love with Ohno. But it has been made pretty clear that Sho is meant to sit quietly in the corner and wait for her until she gets over it.
My point is that if I got caught in bed with Sho, there would be hell to pay. So my answer is, first of all, definitely not Sho. Okay, and also? I'm about a dozen years older than the oldest of them, so this is creepy and wrong. I think Aiba probably holds his liquor least well, though, and if we were both in a strange house, he might take a wrong turn on the way back from the bathroom and I might be too soundly asleep to notice. So Aiba. Definitely not Sho.
2. Who would you most likely get into a fight with?
I'm not really the fighting type. That said, Jun seems moody and Nino seems aggressive. So maybe one of them.
3. Who do you think is hot?
Definitely not Sho.
4. Who will you most likely marry?
Definitely not Sho.
5. Who would you go on a date with?
Definitely not Sho.
But listen. They are twentysomething idols and I am dumpy and middle-aged, and I think being on a date with someone that professionally adorable would make me miserably self-conscious. And of all of them, I think Aiba is probably best at sensing when others are uncomfortable and bending over backwards (literally if necessary) to put them at ease. And that is what I would need. I pick Aiba.
6. Who is most like you?
Jun, the prickly, judgmental, caterwauling gay one.
7. Who could you be enemies with?
I think Nino would openly judge me.
8. Who would be your hang out/shopping buddy?
Jun. We could sit around judging people, and then I could watch him try on clothes.
9. Who will you have a one night stand with?
Definitely not Sho. Probably Jun. We would wake up the next morning and both think, "Yep. I'm gay."
10. Who will get along with your parents/family?
Which one speaks the most English? That one.
11. Who would you fall in love with?
Definitely not Sho! But Jun is getting more lovable with every question I answer.
12. Who would you want to be your brother?
I think Sho. Because, you know, that is how I think of him? Like a brother? We could talk about John Maynard Keynes (Sho could talk economics, and I could catalog the gay lovers).
13. How would you confess your love for them?
I would say, "You belong with font."
14. Who do you think has the sexiest body?
Ohno. I know it to be true! His last TV series has two gratuitous shower scenes.
15. Who do you think will give the best sex ever?
I agree with font: Ohno. Listen, it's empirical. Ohno had a sex scandal last summer which was a pretty big deal by Japanese standards. Apparently he got high and had a threesome with two incredibly hot chicks? Who gave interviews afterwards in which they explained that he definitely knows how to please a woman?
Not that I would ever want to find out.
16. Situation: you saw the most gorgeous dress that you want to buy for a function but the price explodes right out of your budget, so you go up to one of the boys and ask to borrow some of his money. His reaction would be...
I don't imagine it matters which one I asked, I think his reaction would be, "Um, no."
17. What nicknames would you call the boys?
You are really asking too much of me, quiz.
18. Who is most likely to settle in a quiet town beside the beach and find pleasure sitting and watching the sunrise and set?
I am told that the answer to this is Ohno.
19. Who is most likely to be spotted at the buffet table?
Huh? Though I think Jun would find eating at a buffet a little common for his tastes.
20. Who would you like to go on an exotic vacation in Italy with?
Definitely not Sho! Probably Jun, actually.
21. Who do you want to be the godfather of your kids (with any of the boys)?
I pick Sho for this one. I am sure he would be a good influence.
...I don't tag anyone for this quiz, though if you feel like changing it to Fall Out Boy or the cast of MST3K, be my guest.
For context's sake, let me explain that apparently creating new boy bands is as essential a part of Japan's domestic economy as creating new fast-food chicken sandwiches is to our own. (An aside: One of my colleagues used to work on the Wendy's Hamburgers account, and he reports that a significant portion of their advertising creative process is deciding whether the emphasis of the campaign should be on the sauce or the cheese topping each new sandwich. Another aside: I would love that job.) At the present time, the most popular of these boy bands would be Arashi.
I of course heard of them because of my beloved font, who somehow was inextricably drawn to them after extended flirtations with KAT-TUN and, before that, *NSYNC. Arashi is noteworthy because I do actually enjoy their music in limited doses. (I will never forget the evening that font, who is a clear-eyed realist in these matters, called me to announce that, after weeks of listening, she had finally found a single *NSYNC song that was quantifiably good.) Also because they are adorable and dance on rainbows.
For reference:
Jun: Possesses the worst singing voice of the five but is an amazingly interesting actor. Dresses impeccably. Seems to be rather persnickety, also pretty gay. He is--well, he is the Gay One.
Aiba: Slim-hipped and slithery, a distinctively nasal but not terrible voice. Sweet, considerate, loves adorable baby animals. He is the Adorable One.
Ohno: The best singer, the best dancer, and thus far a ridiculously compelling actor, though I suspect that he works from a more limited emotional range than Jun. Also not so secretly weird, like if he weren't in a boy band, he'd be Japan's answer to David Lynch. He is the Quiet One.
Nino: He was in Letters from Iwo Jima (he played the endearingly whiny soldier). A good actor, a good singer, a good musician. He is the prickliest member of Arashi, also reportedly cheap, also cannot tear himself away from videogames. He is my favorite, though so boyish-looking that I tend to fantasize about buying him new sneakers or taking him to the carnival. He is the Mean One.
Sho: The rapper! (Every Japanese boy band has a rapper.) He also works part-time as a newscaster on Japanese television, has a degree in economics from a good university (which he earned while working full-time as a boy band member) and is smart and personable and reads the newspaper. He is the Smart One.
And now, an Arashi quiz of the sort that would interest a 13-year old girl.
1. Who would you get caught in bed with?
I feel that a major part of fannish friendship is that you cannot like the same one as your close friend does, which is why in sixth grade I decided that John Lennon was my favorite Beatle when my friend Patty Ann got eyes for Paul McCartney. For a long time, font liked Sho, the Smart One, best. And then she fell in love with Ohno. But it has been made pretty clear that Sho is meant to sit quietly in the corner and wait for her until she gets over it.
My point is that if I got caught in bed with Sho, there would be hell to pay. So my answer is, first of all, definitely not Sho. Okay, and also? I'm about a dozen years older than the oldest of them, so this is creepy and wrong. I think Aiba probably holds his liquor least well, though, and if we were both in a strange house, he might take a wrong turn on the way back from the bathroom and I might be too soundly asleep to notice. So Aiba. Definitely not Sho.
2. Who would you most likely get into a fight with?
I'm not really the fighting type. That said, Jun seems moody and Nino seems aggressive. So maybe one of them.
3. Who do you think is hot?
Definitely not Sho.
4. Who will you most likely marry?
Definitely not Sho.
5. Who would you go on a date with?
Definitely not Sho.
But listen. They are twentysomething idols and I am dumpy and middle-aged, and I think being on a date with someone that professionally adorable would make me miserably self-conscious. And of all of them, I think Aiba is probably best at sensing when others are uncomfortable and bending over backwards (literally if necessary) to put them at ease. And that is what I would need. I pick Aiba.
6. Who is most like you?
Jun, the prickly, judgmental, caterwauling gay one.
7. Who could you be enemies with?
I think Nino would openly judge me.
8. Who would be your hang out/shopping buddy?
Jun. We could sit around judging people, and then I could watch him try on clothes.
9. Who will you have a one night stand with?
Definitely not Sho. Probably Jun. We would wake up the next morning and both think, "Yep. I'm gay."
10. Who will get along with your parents/family?
Which one speaks the most English? That one.
11. Who would you fall in love with?
Definitely not Sho! But Jun is getting more lovable with every question I answer.
12. Who would you want to be your brother?
I think Sho. Because, you know, that is how I think of him? Like a brother? We could talk about John Maynard Keynes (Sho could talk economics, and I could catalog the gay lovers).
13. How would you confess your love for them?
I would say, "You belong with font."
14. Who do you think has the sexiest body?
Ohno. I know it to be true! His last TV series has two gratuitous shower scenes.
15. Who do you think will give the best sex ever?
I agree with font: Ohno. Listen, it's empirical. Ohno had a sex scandal last summer which was a pretty big deal by Japanese standards. Apparently he got high and had a threesome with two incredibly hot chicks? Who gave interviews afterwards in which they explained that he definitely knows how to please a woman?
Not that I would ever want to find out.
16. Situation: you saw the most gorgeous dress that you want to buy for a function but the price explodes right out of your budget, so you go up to one of the boys and ask to borrow some of his money. His reaction would be...
I don't imagine it matters which one I asked, I think his reaction would be, "Um, no."
17. What nicknames would you call the boys?
You are really asking too much of me, quiz.
18. Who is most likely to settle in a quiet town beside the beach and find pleasure sitting and watching the sunrise and set?
I am told that the answer to this is Ohno.
19. Who is most likely to be spotted at the buffet table?
Huh? Though I think Jun would find eating at a buffet a little common for his tastes.
20. Who would you like to go on an exotic vacation in Italy with?
Definitely not Sho! Probably Jun, actually.
21. Who do you want to be the godfather of your kids (with any of the boys)?
I pick Sho for this one. I am sure he would be a good influence.
...I don't tag anyone for this quiz, though if you feel like changing it to Fall Out Boy or the cast of MST3K, be my guest.