Whose the biggest asshole in the entire world? THIS GIRL!
So yesterday I wasn't clear in my last post. I knew what I meant and what I was saying but anyone who reads this is not me and doesn't know what I mean or what I intended to say. So lets just say that b/c i'm so insecure with every aspect of my life that I sometimes subconsciously destroy anything that I have going for me so that I don't have to face the fact that its going to end. So rather than get super attached and happy I destroy it before hand....yeah i know its stupid but thats usually how my life goes something starts off good then something bad happens so I do these things to keep from getting hurt worse later.
SO last nite when i said I sit and wonder if I really love the person and i said i put that question to end I didn't mean to sound like an asshole and after reading it I confer I do sound like an ass. I'm neortic and I always question my own and everyones motives b/c I'm so used to getting shit on. I honestly have only asked that question to myself twice with BHJ. unlike the 90x with Marcus and mr x. If I didn't like that man I would not have done any of the things I've done w/him or for him. I"m sorry that I made him feel so badly after reading that.
AND the thing w/the connection btw Derrick and I. I meant in a good way but no one knows exactly what I meant. Derrick and I have this killer friendship that relates mostly to basketball. Besides that we really don't have all that much in common. Since basketball was my life thats why it was soo great.
"Granted we don't have that same connection like Derrick and I but its strong but on a different level than that."
If Derrick were around now we'd never make it. I know this he knows this and thats why we are still just friends we could never really make it work and I know that. I know BHJ thought of it as hes not as good or I"m comparing but we don't have that basketball connection. We connect on many other areas that are more important than that. I meant that our connection was strong and on a different level was a GREAT thing but obviously I was not clear enough. So as long as i'm comparing them, I'm going to do it. Derrick has never met my parents or even been really talked about TO my parents. BHJ has been the center of most of my conversations with them and anyone else. He has met my parents and my grandparents AND my bro and fiance. He has come to my home twice. Derrick has not nor will he ever. Derrick and I fight all the time, BHJ and I don't well at least i'm not aware of it.... BHJ has seen in my worst, D has not. I can trust my life w/BHJ, D I can not. SO if I was really comparing the 2 the better deal is BHJ and I know that and I know some of the things I have said about D b4 has made it seem like he'd win but really he wouldn't.
BHJ means the world to me if he didn't I wouldn't have cried last nite when he left or today when I read how horrible I sounded and how bad I made him feel and as I'm writing this. I am just so scared that he is going to leave me. cuz everything I know has always turned out bad and he deserves soooo much.
I hope that that cleared somethings up
SO last nite when i said I sit and wonder if I really love the person and i said i put that question to end I didn't mean to sound like an asshole and after reading it I confer I do sound like an ass. I'm neortic and I always question my own and everyones motives b/c I'm so used to getting shit on. I honestly have only asked that question to myself twice with BHJ. unlike the 90x with Marcus and mr x. If I didn't like that man I would not have done any of the things I've done w/him or for him. I"m sorry that I made him feel so badly after reading that.
AND the thing w/the connection btw Derrick and I. I meant in a good way but no one knows exactly what I meant. Derrick and I have this killer friendship that relates mostly to basketball. Besides that we really don't have all that much in common. Since basketball was my life thats why it was soo great.
"Granted we don't have that same connection like Derrick and I but its strong but on a different level than that."
If Derrick were around now we'd never make it. I know this he knows this and thats why we are still just friends we could never really make it work and I know that. I know BHJ thought of it as hes not as good or I"m comparing but we don't have that basketball connection. We connect on many other areas that are more important than that. I meant that our connection was strong and on a different level was a GREAT thing but obviously I was not clear enough. So as long as i'm comparing them, I'm going to do it. Derrick has never met my parents or even been really talked about TO my parents. BHJ has been the center of most of my conversations with them and anyone else. He has met my parents and my grandparents AND my bro and fiance. He has come to my home twice. Derrick has not nor will he ever. Derrick and I fight all the time, BHJ and I don't well at least i'm not aware of it.... BHJ has seen in my worst, D has not. I can trust my life w/BHJ, D I can not. SO if I was really comparing the 2 the better deal is BHJ and I know that and I know some of the things I have said about D b4 has made it seem like he'd win but really he wouldn't.
BHJ means the world to me if he didn't I wouldn't have cried last nite when he left or today when I read how horrible I sounded and how bad I made him feel and as I'm writing this. I am just so scared that he is going to leave me. cuz everything I know has always turned out bad and he deserves soooo much.
I hope that that cleared somethings up