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May 05, 2009 15:18

I’m taking a hiatus from the internet.

My exams - my A-levels - they’re coming up in June. If I fuck these up, that’s my life for a good while down the toilet. I need As, both because my parents will kill me if I don’t get them and because I’ll hate myself if I don’t. I know I have the capability, I know I do - I wouldn’t have them as expected achievment grades if I didn’t - but I have to put the work in and I am very much not doing that right now.

I worked it out, you see. It’s not just that the internet and AIM and that are distracting. They are, but it’s more than that. It’s an avoidance technique. I’ve developed a very bad habit of suppressing and avoiding negative feelings, and I’ve only just really realised I’m doing it. I go detached and it makes me more susceptible to distraction - like when I got rejected from my unis, and mum told me I obviously didn’t care because she caught me humming going upstairs, and I couldn’t explain why I’m always doing stuff like that. My mind doesn’t want to deal with the stress of revision or school, so it pushes it away. I end up bumming around in chat or on the internet and then I’ll lie back in bed and think shit. That's probably why I've been so fucked up these past weeks, these past couple of months - Freud did say supression and repression cause mental issues. Freud is something is a dickwad, but he may have a point, it's not exactly healthy :'D. It’s ingrained behaviour, now, but I can at least make the attempt and try to stick to it this time.

So, yeah. I'm out. I'll be checking my email (ucas lol @_@) so if you need me, you can reach me there. But I'm freezing my Plurk karma and shutting all my tabbed Lj windows and signing off AIM for a month. Maybe more, since while this month'll be revision next month is the actual exams.

If I actually keep up with this? See you guys in late June. Stay classy. <3

and now watch as I can't handle it and come back in a week or two, sob

being an adult sucks, sayonara minna, real life, oh god i hate exams

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