(no subject)
Once again, it boils down to the lack of neurotic urgency. I mean, I haven't been reading much, and school keeps settling as a day-in day-out affair. I could sputter on about how Oh God where is the excitement and where is this, right now, but it still ends up being sort of off. Doesn't have umph. That crap. Granted, I miss the days on LIVEJOURNAL where I would sputter on and how it had something to it, or at the very least, felt like it did. I don't know how well chronicling the last three or four years would turn out. It would be something I'd like to see, sure, but I don't know if I could put myself through it. Not because of anguish, because that is not the case, but more so I would stop myself and think of it as just a simple chronicle, nothing else. Just, laying things out there. You could say I don't like being direct. I mean, Jesus, I couldn't/didn't/haven't brought up Kate in any of this e-mess of a journal (and I think that might be the first time I hit (shift+)k-a-t-e in sequence here) And yeah, that was a big thing as far as teenage life was concerned, but if I can't derive anything else besides, Oh yes that was great and then it was bad and then it was great and then it was frustrating and dumb and painful, well, what's the point? I don't feel at the level of faithfully recreating my fleeting thoughts or gut-twists.
I can't read much of my stuff, sometimes. I don't like it, unless I'm in the mood.
Zebra Break:
I feel a bit more stable in communicating through this and I do not like it. I am not sure of all of my past hectic moments were due to lack of sleep or just overall nervousness, but, uh, I've been off of the medication for some time and things aren't back to ruerehrhehHRUGGUHGHGH but I suppose in the past, it was all situational. The situations here are different, though. For example:
Friday I worked in studio for a bit, in my god damned corner, came home and decided it had been a while since I've had a decent drunk. Arrangements were made but somehow more people than expected came into play. At the end of the night (after ruining my streak for the 08 school year of not vomiting due to alcohol intake) I had come to a clear conclusion (I was telling myself otherwise, just to get it out of the way) that I am fine when I drink around people I like and have fun and THINGS, but drinking to manage being in situations, not so much. I should have said, "No, no we are not watching skate videos and as much as I like Sammy sometimes, I would not like to have him over at my house this time and besides you already invited Joey who I don't talk to very often." But, even as I go out with people I like, the setting is not always favorable. Uh. I digress. Ok, so, Saturday I woke up with veins a'poundin' and declared it Break Day and my roommate said HEY I am going to see the new Coen Brothers movie! And I invited myself along because HELL I wanted to see that movie
(No Country For Old Men, very good! Really, I'd talk about it more, but now isn't the time)
and so I did. This group is not the group I hang out with any if at all blah blah, and they wanted to be cute and make sounds or something or inside jokes while the movie was playing and the roommate said WELL I didn't like the ending, I didn't understand it. About ten minutes after he had seen it. I said to let it sink in and then WELL did YOU get it Alex? and Well, not completely but I liked it and I think I'm... And then I am cut off by something and it doesn't matter!
BOTTOM LINE: It is difficult to find people I truly enjoy being around, as Bird gets too out of hand (naked on my front lawn) and Andy. Well, I really like hanging out with Andy. It's just that we're busy men and he has a Californian girlfriend in Kansas City he swept away from some poor Californian all the way out in California. God, poor guy.
Tim and Ben have been gone and God knows how many times I've broken down just because they haven't been around. In the back of cars, 4 AM dew, corner of my studio working on the walls, you get it. Small places. Though, Ben is coming back next semester. Those are the only two people I've close to 100% connected with in Kansas City.
It is still hard to reveal things, I guess. Something I need to work on. Doesn't help that one here is a person who sort of knows how things go in KC (Hi Claire. It's sort of strange how you can read about me (to a degree) before we knew eachother, hah hah). It would come across as too plain and, "Hello folk guess what I'VE BEEN DOING/I HAVE DONE."
I mean, you know, I hate to be too forward.
I can't read much of my stuff, sometimes. I don't like it, unless I'm in the mood.
Zebra Break:
I feel a bit more stable in communicating through this and I do not like it. I am not sure of all of my past hectic moments were due to lack of sleep or just overall nervousness, but, uh, I've been off of the medication for some time and things aren't back to ruerehrhehHRUGGUHGHGH but I suppose in the past, it was all situational. The situations here are different, though. For example:
Friday I worked in studio for a bit, in my god damned corner, came home and decided it had been a while since I've had a decent drunk. Arrangements were made but somehow more people than expected came into play. At the end of the night (after ruining my streak for the 08 school year of not vomiting due to alcohol intake) I had come to a clear conclusion (I was telling myself otherwise, just to get it out of the way) that I am fine when I drink around people I like and have fun and THINGS, but drinking to manage being in situations, not so much. I should have said, "No, no we are not watching skate videos and as much as I like Sammy sometimes, I would not like to have him over at my house this time and besides you already invited Joey who I don't talk to very often." But, even as I go out with people I like, the setting is not always favorable. Uh. I digress. Ok, so, Saturday I woke up with veins a'poundin' and declared it Break Day and my roommate said HEY I am going to see the new Coen Brothers movie! And I invited myself along because HELL I wanted to see that movie
(No Country For Old Men, very good! Really, I'd talk about it more, but now isn't the time)
and so I did. This group is not the group I hang out with any if at all blah blah, and they wanted to be cute and make sounds or something or inside jokes while the movie was playing and the roommate said WELL I didn't like the ending, I didn't understand it. About ten minutes after he had seen it. I said to let it sink in and then WELL did YOU get it Alex? and Well, not completely but I liked it and I think I'm... And then I am cut off by something and it doesn't matter!
BOTTOM LINE: It is difficult to find people I truly enjoy being around, as Bird gets too out of hand (naked on my front lawn) and Andy. Well, I really like hanging out with Andy. It's just that we're busy men and he has a Californian girlfriend in Kansas City he swept away from some poor Californian all the way out in California. God, poor guy.
Tim and Ben have been gone and God knows how many times I've broken down just because they haven't been around. In the back of cars, 4 AM dew, corner of my studio working on the walls, you get it. Small places. Though, Ben is coming back next semester. Those are the only two people I've close to 100% connected with in Kansas City.
It is still hard to reveal things, I guess. Something I need to work on. Doesn't help that one here is a person who sort of knows how things go in KC (Hi Claire. It's sort of strange how you can read about me (to a degree) before we knew eachother, hah hah). It would come across as too plain and, "Hello folk guess what I'VE BEEN DOING/I HAVE DONE."
I mean, you know, I hate to be too forward.