(no subject)
Saturday night was the same as Friday, except for worse. I was incredibly belligerent and everyone there was concerned/trying to take care of me and keepme in control. I had a long talk about it with Paul. I have recently become noticibly more popular, and all of it is so new to me. All throughout my years in school, right up until I finished highschool, i was pretty much an outcast. I had one or two friends, who meant the world to me, but i eventually lost them, and that was that. I nevcer went to a party, drank, was very social, etc. It's not that I've changed now, i'm still the same. Of course I have grown more as a person and formed into a better individual, so if you cinsider that somewhat of a change, then yes. But, I am still basically the same person I was back then. So what is the difference now? I used to sit home alone on weekends and not have anyone to call, nothing to do. I'd be so depressed to think of all the people out with their friends, having a good time, and me, with nothing. Since I have been back from Michigan, whenn things didn't work out up there, it when it started. Gradually and slowly, but now it is apparent that I have ganined many new aquaintances. I definitly won't refer to all of these people my "freinds". That term is loosly used and had lost it's real meaning. As have many other words. There are only a select very few people I would consider to be real friends. And I mean a very few. The thing i've been contemplating most is, sure, I am somewhat popular now. I've been going to parties, hanging out with various people, meeting friends, through friends, or just being seen places. I've met people from myspace, who have brought their friends and acually said, "Omg you're the holly lynn we know. you're so pretty and skinny, etc" "We love your hair" "You're so gorgeous" etc, etc. Now of course this is flattering, naturally as I have had very low self esteem for a long period of time. It's nice to hear that you are wanted. It's nice to have the assurance of knowing people want you. Want to see you, be in your company. To have them say, "it won't be the same until you are here with us" type of deal. I like it. Because i've never had any of that. But at the same time, I feel what I am liked for from the majority of the people isfor the drunken holly. As someone said, you don't just want to be liked/known for that-one-hot-skinny girl-from the party. Because that is NOT me. That is a flase look into who I am. That is me changed by the effects of alcohol in my body. It's becoming so redundant, all of it. After a while, it gets old. You grow up. I'm just having my fun now, while i'm still changing and going through so much. I'm still the same, i'mm still constantly thinking, my mind working and analyzing the world around me. But my life is just beginning to take a new path. I don't wan to fall into a corrupt lifestyle and fuck up my life. I don't even really have any particular goal in mind right now, I just know i don't want to be a fuck up. I love all of the people in my life right now, I am happy I have met them. New and old. And I konw I can trust my real friends, to set me back on the right track, if they see I am straying from it.
I love you.
I love you.