(no subject)
For around the eleventh time today, various car alarms in the street have been going off. I spent most of today in bed. I feel without purpose because I don't have work today. The weather is warmer today, I can even tell without looking out the window because I just feel much better. When I came to VIS I recall that I had no idea where I would be in the current year, or in the next. I think things have changed for better, and also, the worse. I am not talking about personality changes here, I'm talking about things surrounding me. Back when I was in L.A. I couldn't really remember if I was as happy as I was now. I think I was, but I wasn't satisfied. Now I'm neither. There's so much I feel I'm missing out on, there's so much I cannot take in and so little I can keep up with. But how the fuck am I meant to keep things going, keep things alive when I have to deal with it everyday? There's comfort in little things; throwing Skittles at my co-workers, laughing with my friends and reading books - there's a lot of good and positive things, but they can't even begin to make up for the days where I'm left blank. Everybody says, "Ignore it!" but how can I? I wish I could just stop. It is impossible to ignore being ignored. I think hatred would suit me better than the cold shoulder. I'm not saying this is the worst I have ever felt in my life, but it is the most alone I have ever felt, definitley. I ache, there is a feeling of unease in the pit of my stomach and I think nothing would suit me better than just quitting - which I am not going to do, and which I would not be able to anyway. Clearly I am going insane. I have to sleep, this is the longest I've been without it.