Mar 12, 2007 00:48
Being home is good. But weird.
Everywhere I go is saturated with memories. There's thawing snow slowly melting to reveal the place where I did the canned food drive, the place I worked, a theater where I've seen a thousand movies, this or that secret parking lot, a forest filled with walks and talks, lakes for swimming, a university of classes and sled rides and brain-climbing. There's a downtown with a million sunny summers, sultry nights of driving and yelling and water balloons and stores and restaurants I've been in a thousand times. There's the ephemeral water of that green river, where I've walked and smoked and stood, perched, admiring polluted tumults over the graffiti-covered concrete. There are countless back roads, where I'd drive and drive and drive, with a cigarette or your hand or a DQ Misty (excuse me, Arctic Rush!) held in mine, with loud music mostly or sometimes silence or dialogue. There are oh-so-many houses where I've hung out, played video games, eaten food, made plans, made music, stayed up late or drooled on a borrowed pillow. There are people everywhere, some familiar, some not. Most of the people tied to these memories are gone, but their ghosts hang around my periphery, reenacting what we did here or there.
I go between happy nostalgia, sad nostalgia and get-me-the-fuck-out-of-here Sehnsucht.
But allerdings mir geht's gut. I think this Tuesday I'm road tripping to DC and Wednesday I'll likely be in Cleveland. Friday I'm going to Pittsburgh con mi madre to see the G-rents and that'll be cool. At some point Sammi and I are smoking. Maybe Saturday I'll have/go to a party. At some point I need to do my taxes and apply for a Job.
I dunno. It's good to be back but on other levels it makes me appreciate Mac and my adopted cities. This year's blown a dick so far regardless. Winter break began its descent pretty much as soon as that ball dropped and stuff sped rapidly downhill when I got back to Kent (confusion, pot, lack of friends, utter boredom). At school I felt okay but then this and that and I was feeling pretty bummed out until I took out a couple of my free therapy sessions at Winton. Then, when I felt a little better, I jumped on the hedonism wagon and eventually Tom's room got busted (for which I took the blame, which is cool, and that situation looks better with every day I don't get an e-mail from Peg Olson). Last week sucked at first but Thursday and Friday were really good; I got out into Saint Paul and just felt happy (with a thaw seems to come a thaw in my mood).
And now I'm here. I dunno. I still have some interesting nagging doubts and Kent, as described at length above, is making me think about a lot of things, but I think I'm going to be okay when all is said and done. I just need something sweet to happen back in the MN, like a good room draw number or a really good day. Or a lady.
I'm getting better at not looking so far into the future but there are still cracks in my resolve and then I start to think that I've made some pretty interesting decisions regarding the direction of my life with college and whatnot. I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing or who I'm going there with. But, nonetheless, I think I'm learning to take these things as they come, to go out into the city, to be happy internally more and not just as a façade and to be at least a little bit uncaring beyond my next class or dinner.
College is a weird time of life.
There's a lot more I could say but I shouldn't. Time for bed. Hopefully this entry isn't too ridiculous. It is a good summary of how I'm feeling regardless of how it sounds.
'Night.