When words fail
I find myself unable to express my feelings to those around me clearly, so I turn here, again, a place of final thought.
My strength and resolve are waning. I've been able to face the many challenges over the last few months with a determination that all will be well. I laughed when it snowed, I busily searched for a lost phone. I got my ass down to the hospital so that the nausea would go away. I nursed my back to health (mostly). I took my car in to be restored to it's former beauty. I had sinus surgery again in the hopes that the second time would be the last. The last few days I've been fighting fever and cough and yet another hospital visit. Up until this afternoon I was doing so well.
I was enjoying the afternoon, finally feeling significantly better so I reached out for human contact. Instead I embarrassed one friend, crossed a line with a second, and got fed up with a third. Then I go to the doctor and the stupid PA says there's nothing wrong with me and I need to go spend more money (in addition to the co-pay) to get some clairitin.
Somehow that broke my spirit a little. I changed doctors on the drive home. It's too far away and I have to bend so much in scheduling that I always end up with the PA. So I chose a lady doctor closer.
Maybe this one won't get all weird when I start to tell the real reason I want a hepatitis vaccination.
But i'm so tired tonight. I am usually able to help sustain my friends. To let hostility slide, to do the right thing. But I'm just trying to get through another day and another huge list of things that need to get done but aren't. I want affection, not avoidance. I want depth, not indulgence. I want love, not hostility.
I'm catching myself start to daydream again. To imagine not being here and now and being elsewhere in another time. This is triage for my soul.
I'm hoping that things will start going my way just a little bit. That just a few moments will seem perfect and that my goals won't seem worlds away.
For now, I think ill just cry a little. It helps.
My strength and resolve are waning. I've been able to face the many challenges over the last few months with a determination that all will be well. I laughed when it snowed, I busily searched for a lost phone. I got my ass down to the hospital so that the nausea would go away. I nursed my back to health (mostly). I took my car in to be restored to it's former beauty. I had sinus surgery again in the hopes that the second time would be the last. The last few days I've been fighting fever and cough and yet another hospital visit. Up until this afternoon I was doing so well.
I was enjoying the afternoon, finally feeling significantly better so I reached out for human contact. Instead I embarrassed one friend, crossed a line with a second, and got fed up with a third. Then I go to the doctor and the stupid PA says there's nothing wrong with me and I need to go spend more money (in addition to the co-pay) to get some clairitin.
Somehow that broke my spirit a little. I changed doctors on the drive home. It's too far away and I have to bend so much in scheduling that I always end up with the PA. So I chose a lady doctor closer.
Maybe this one won't get all weird when I start to tell the real reason I want a hepatitis vaccination.
But i'm so tired tonight. I am usually able to help sustain my friends. To let hostility slide, to do the right thing. But I'm just trying to get through another day and another huge list of things that need to get done but aren't. I want affection, not avoidance. I want depth, not indulgence. I want love, not hostility.
I'm catching myself start to daydream again. To imagine not being here and now and being elsewhere in another time. This is triage for my soul.
I'm hoping that things will start going my way just a little bit. That just a few moments will seem perfect and that my goals won't seem worlds away.
For now, I think ill just cry a little. It helps.