(no subject)
i dont know what i'm doing with my life lately. happy mothers day all. yeah, i'm hanging by a thread with simon-all of his affection, i have no clue where its gone, and hes short with me lately
so i'm moving out. a decision we both came to.
i'm so confused because i thought i really loved simon and now i ask if it is an excuse to hold his hand even tighter my heart just wants to implode by now, and god i'm so frustrated with being so passionate and loving with someone and not getting it back. i think its me. i think he knows that i put myself into love full force, i think its backfiring in my face. he says he doesnt even like ollie anymore and if we break up, the only good thing is that i might get ollie , other than that i'll be a wreck because for the first time in infinity, i felt like there WAS someone to love me again. i felt like aleex isnt the only person i might ever feel that way about. and i hardly ever thought about him anymore. simon was not just another guy looking for pussy.
i am begginging to fucking hate his family and his whole mindset that his way is the only good way to live, that his family is less fucked up than mine is because me and my mom fight, when i would NEVER bad mouth my sister behind her back, or get a sibling into smoking pot. and i hate myself for saying that because his mom HAS been really nice to me, but i disagree with her having simon in charge of the house, he has 2 brothers who live with him, so hes responsible for them during the week. HE IS NOT THEIR FATHER. furthermore, i just want to go home. not watertown. i want to go home home. as far away from this hell hole called northern new york. i just wanna book it back to the people that made me feel... alive.
i'm on the brink of breaking it off, i cant handle falling asleep next to him, waking up from a nightmare and asking him to hold me and have him swat at me because i'm trying to hold him too close. the way he calls me a dumbass all the time and makes me feel braindead for misinterpreting things by accident. snapping on me for absolutely nothing like ollie peeing on the floor, like its my fault. i love him and i miss the boy who i fell in love with. i want my simon back. i just want him to make me feel like how i try to make him feeel. wanted, appreciated, LOVED. even if he plays bass wayy too much and had shorter hair, i miss the simon from 3 months ago. isnt it weird how easily i fell for him? even now, i dont want to break up with him because i know theres another simon in there, the first simon, the one who stayed up talking all night and kissed me like i was the only girl he ever loved. we dont kiss anymore. i wish i could make him feel an iota of what i feel for him.
i fucking hate being "in love", nothing ever comes out good.either the guy sleeps with someone whos your friend, or begins to want nothing to do with you. what the fuck is "in love" anyway?its just an easy way to say i like you alot and your good in bed. no one knonws what theyre saying when they say it and no one takes it seriously. i swear right now, the next man i tell i love will be my husband.
efforts are futile.
so i'm moving out. a decision we both came to.
i'm so confused because i thought i really loved simon and now i ask if it is an excuse to hold his hand even tighter my heart just wants to implode by now, and god i'm so frustrated with being so passionate and loving with someone and not getting it back. i think its me. i think he knows that i put myself into love full force, i think its backfiring in my face. he says he doesnt even like ollie anymore and if we break up, the only good thing is that i might get ollie , other than that i'll be a wreck because for the first time in infinity, i felt like there WAS someone to love me again. i felt like aleex isnt the only person i might ever feel that way about. and i hardly ever thought about him anymore. simon was not just another guy looking for pussy.
i am begginging to fucking hate his family and his whole mindset that his way is the only good way to live, that his family is less fucked up than mine is because me and my mom fight, when i would NEVER bad mouth my sister behind her back, or get a sibling into smoking pot. and i hate myself for saying that because his mom HAS been really nice to me, but i disagree with her having simon in charge of the house, he has 2 brothers who live with him, so hes responsible for them during the week. HE IS NOT THEIR FATHER. furthermore, i just want to go home. not watertown. i want to go home home. as far away from this hell hole called northern new york. i just wanna book it back to the people that made me feel... alive.
i'm on the brink of breaking it off, i cant handle falling asleep next to him, waking up from a nightmare and asking him to hold me and have him swat at me because i'm trying to hold him too close. the way he calls me a dumbass all the time and makes me feel braindead for misinterpreting things by accident. snapping on me for absolutely nothing like ollie peeing on the floor, like its my fault. i love him and i miss the boy who i fell in love with. i want my simon back. i just want him to make me feel like how i try to make him feeel. wanted, appreciated, LOVED. even if he plays bass wayy too much and had shorter hair, i miss the simon from 3 months ago. isnt it weird how easily i fell for him? even now, i dont want to break up with him because i know theres another simon in there, the first simon, the one who stayed up talking all night and kissed me like i was the only girl he ever loved. we dont kiss anymore. i wish i could make him feel an iota of what i feel for him.
i fucking hate being "in love", nothing ever comes out good.either the guy sleeps with someone whos your friend, or begins to want nothing to do with you. what the fuck is "in love" anyway?its just an easy way to say i like you alot and your good in bed. no one knonws what theyre saying when they say it and no one takes it seriously. i swear right now, the next man i tell i love will be my husband.
efforts are futile.